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Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

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Hi guys!

I’ve been with my guy for three years now and we have a seventeen month old little boy. I have to admit our relationship has been rocky at times, and a lot of the time it’s because I have self esteem issues and never have felt good enough for him; and I’m worried he will find someone better. Anyway he is having to move away for a year soon to finish his degree. He will be going ten hours away from us. My son and I are staying back at home where I am studying and have support from family and friends. I am very anxious about us being away for that long even though he assures me all the time that he would never cheat on me. I just feel like he is going to meet a girl much better than me and realize he never wants to come back. I wish he didn’t have to go and I’m wondering if a guy really can survive without regular intimacy both physical and emotional for a long period of time. And since I won’t be there, maybe he will naturally and maybe unconsciously let me go.

Thanks guys xx

Nichola

Dear Nichola,

Thanks for your question.

Yes, a guy can survive without regular intimacy for a year. We are no different than women in this regard. In fact your situation has little to do with guys and girls, and much more to do with individuals. Guys who cheat, will cheat no matter what. Distance makes it easier, but for the cheater it doesn’t matter. On the contrary, someone who is going to be faithful will be faithful even if they have to wait for a year, because they have a clear moral compass that’s guiding them. Faithful guys are less narcissistic and are better able to put themselves in their partner’s shoes and say, “How would I feel if she cheated on me?”

Your boyfriend/partner will likely have to “take care” of himself—in that intimate way, if you know what we’re saying. And of course the two of you could always engage in various long distance intimacies—phone sex, text sex, flirtatious emails, etc.—to help connect the two of you in a semi-physical way, and make the time apart pass more quickly.

But there are bigger issues going on here. First of all, Nichola, you have to take him at his word. He says he would never cheat on you, so you have to believe him. Or not. It’s up to you. All of this worry is more about you than it is him, unless he’s given you some cause to be suspicious. You don’t mention that’s the case, so we assume these are your own insecurities playing with your head. And in general if you don’t get a handle on these thoughts and feelings, your relationship will continue to be rocky. He sounds like a patient sort of guy, but if he is constantly having to reassure you, that’s going to get old fast. It’s certainly not a big turn on. And if it continues for too long it might possibly drive him to do the very thing you’re most worried about: leave you.

We don’t know why you feel the way you do, but it’s something you should seek some professional help with. (That’s above our pay grade.) You need to get to the bottom of these feelings otherwise every relationship you have now, and in the future, will be affected, including the relationship you have with your son.

We have faith in you. Clearly you’re an introspective person, and that will serve you well as you look for some answers.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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1 Comment on Can a guy really commit to a long distance relationship?

  1. Hey Guys,

    This is a little bit of my story, I am confused to continue this relationship or stop it so I need your advice.

    I liked this guy for the longest time but we both had a relationship with someone else in the past when we both lived in the same city, now he lives in New York and I live in Austin (we met because we went to same school) and sometimes he visits town to see family, so I was able to see him around parties and bars.

    When we first found out we were single again we automatically started talking by email, phone and we finally decided to see each other. We went on a romantic trip together and we really enjoyed spending time together as lovers, then I visited him and he also visited me, somehow we keep in touch by texts messages,emails and we even send each other love letters.

    We recently had the conversation about the direction of our relationship and we both agreed we can´t be boyfriend and girlfriend right now because we just moving on from a long term relationship and that we probably need more time by our own. However, it made me feel special that he also mentioned he never traveled before to see someone and that he will really like to have something serious with me in the future… I do too but now I am little bit scared falling in love with someone wont ever commit to me or take me from granted.

    He wants to plan another trip together for next year but here is my concern and worry about the situation¨

    I like so much this guy that I really will love him to be my serious boyfriend in the future and I don’t know if I am doing the right thing by letting him in without any commitment or understanding that I do want something serious eventually, I just don’t want to feel that this is no going anywhere and I´m risking myself of getting hurt or pregnant! of someone that doesn’t have same interest. How can I know or how can I ask him what he wants without looking if I’m putting pressure between us?

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