Relationship and Dating Advice: Chance meeting; now what?

Hey Guys,

I recently met a guy very randomly when out with my friends when visiting back home. (I work and live abroad). My guy friends said he was so ‘into me.’ He stayed with us all night, then stayed at the hotel with me. Stuff happened but no sex. In the morning he pretty much begged me not to forget him, and asked when I’d be back next; he suggested he visit me in November.

Okay, so it’s been  a few weeks and we have been messaging each other on Facebook and some messages are kind of nonchalant and others cute. I invited him in November which he thought was great then but then he didn’t mention it again and asked if I was home for Xmas. (Which I am).

Anyway, he does the whole thing where I message him and sometimes he waits over a day to respond. Now I’m a tough cookie and if he doesn’t message me I won’t message him, but I don’t want to play games. Surely if a guy is into you he shows it, right?

Now my guy friends are confused. They said it could be that I have a very high-powered job and a high standard of living, and he feels a little intimidated. They say, perhaps he can’t afford to travel over. They also said maybe he is playing it cool as he is divorced with two kids.

I’ve met a lot of materialistic men and it’s nice to finally meet someone who’s down to earth. I’ve had a very rough few years and I don’t want to be too hopeful.

Could it be that he lost interest already?

Emily

Emily,

Thanks for your question.

There’s something you may not be considering. (Or your guy friends.) You don’t mention how old his kids are, but we’re assuming in grade school, or middle school. If that’s the case, traveling to see you in November may be difficult. Yes, he got a little bit excited, and maybe he was more excited about the “idea” of you and love, rather than the reality, but having kids can definitely impact a person’s flexibility and freedom. And sure, money is likely tight as well. (Kids are really expensive!)

We doubt he’s intimidated by your high-powered job. But we also don’t doubt he’s unsure of how to proceed, or how accepting you’ll be of his “situation.” Maybe that’s what’s tempered his enthusiasm? Whatever it is, don’t stress over it. And don’t give him a hard time about coming or not coming in November. Just go with the flow, do your thing, and see him in December. You need more information here, and the best time to get that is when you’re with him face-to-face.

Finally, keep in touch with him, but let him do most of the initiating. We don’t love his inconsistent communication honestly, but that’s not necessarily a red-flag. (But it’s something to consider.) What it does mean is that he doesn’t get it; he doesn’t understand that communication is very important in any stage of a relationship. (Hopefully it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.)

So stop worrying, and just see where this goes. It could be that he got excited initially and now he isn’t sure, but more likely this is one of those nebulous chapters in a relationship where everything is up in the air. December is right around the corner and we imagine you’ll get plenty more answers then.

We hope this helps. Do you have any more questions? Feel free to ask away. And do us a favor? Please share our site with friends. (Your guy and gal friends.) We appreciate it. Thanks.

THE GUYS

 

18 Comments on Relationship and Dating Advice: Chance meeting; now what?

  1. CommunicationProblems // November 3, 2012 at 4:46 pm //

    Dear Guys,

    I’ve been dating a guy long-distance for a couple of months. We txt or send emails most days. And I know his bday is next month but am not sure when so I sent him an email asking when it was but have yet to hear from him. He usually responds within a couple of hours but now it’s been more than two days. Did he suddenly drop me? I thought I was being sweet asking when it was so I could wish him happy bday. Do I wait it out and see if he responds? Or can I txt him in a couple of days w/ something else if I still dont hear from him?

  2. @Communication Problems…….How many times have you actually seen each other? We’re not sure what’s going on. We might need some more info. But our first reaction is wait a few days and contact him again casually. Don’t mention his birthday. And then see what he does. But give us a little more info and we can offer some more opinions.

  3. CommunicationProblems // November 3, 2012 at 6:32 pm //

    Dear Guys,

    We’ve seen each other three times. Though it’s been a few weeks since we last saw each other. We both said we want to see each other soon but nothing has been set in stone. He had txtd me earlier in the week asking how an event in my life went. We had even txtd earlier in the day that I sent the email And since he’s mentioned things doing future things together, I assumed it was ok to ask when his bday was.

  4. @CommunicationProblems…..We can’t see how this would be a problem. If he freaks out over you inquiring about his birthday then he’s probably not the guy you thought he was. But overall, this is all still very new. The two of you are working out the communication. Frequency? Time? Mode? Etc. Are you happy in general with how he communicates with you, especially the delay in some of his responses?

  5. tara white // November 5, 2012 at 10:38 pm //

    I have a crush on this guy at school.. We’ve been noticing each other and flirting few few weeks. He tried to talk/ask me out once by walking up towards me but I didn’t know he was coming to me and I just kept on walking and left him there (I didn’t find out till later). Another time, we accidentally left building at the same time and he tries to keep it very professional so mumbling he said that we should go out tonight and I said we should even tho I already had plans and I couldn’t. He started mumbling something and some other people came around the corner as we reached a fork and like an idiot, instead of walking with him some more, I thanked him for the help that day and took off. I was nervous and I didn’t wanna say I couldn’t do it. But next day, we were still on good terms and he was chatting up a storm with me in the lab, and as the day ended, I tried to leave with him again so maybe we could go out but he decided to stay at school longer and I left alone. The next week we didn’t get much a chance to talk but he came around my office few times and I tried to talk to him briefly tho but friendly. Too many people around and he just keeps quiet when that happens but he was so excited to come around he was posing funny and trying to make me laugh. Well, so I decided to invite him to drink that night since I screwed up the last time for us, I sent him a fb message to invite him to drinks at scpecific time and he never showed. this was last thursday and today I saw him and we got eye contacts couple of times but very briefly. don’t know if he’ll ask me out or not. the break is coming up at the end of this week and will before 2-3 weeks. I’d like to go out with him during that time, it would be best with no one else around. What should I do. I’m worried if I ask him again, he’ll think I’m desperate or if he didn’t show up to drinks on purpose maybe he just decided he wasn’t interested after all. I am usually a direct person but it has been difficult to say much to him with so many people around. we both try to keep it very professional.

  6. @Tara…..We’re confused. Are you in school together or do you work together? How old are you both? Let us know and we’ll give you our opinion.

  7. CommunicationProblems // November 21, 2012 at 10:35 am //

    Dear Guys, Update. He ended up txting me about something else and I asked if he gotten my email. He apologized and told me when he his bday was. His bday was a few days ago and so I called him and left him a voicemail. I also sent an email (which I guess was overkill). He responded to my email told me he got my call and was in a work meeting and thanked me. I haven’t responded to the email. We never talk on the phone and I thought this would be a good excuse to start talking on the phone hence my call. I’m upset that he didn’t call back and know there could be other reasons like he was busy at work, had dinner plans, etc. I’m wondering if the not calling back is a bad sign? Or do I need to express to him that I want us to talk on the phone? He’s old enough that I feel like he should know to pick up the phone and call though.

  8. @CommunicationProblems…..You see what’s happening? You’re second guessing everything and spending a lot of time wondering and worrying. You’ve got to stop. He’s old enough to know how to call. He’s got to start doing some work here or we think it’s not worth your time and energy. If he keeps behaving this way he’s either not interested or not mature enough to understand what a relationship is all about. Keep us posted and good luck. ps. Thanks for sharing our site with your friends. Have a nice Thanksgiving.

  9. CommunicationProblems // November 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm //

    Dear Guys, Thanks. I realize he needs to put in more effort or I need to move on but I’m wondering if I should a) just leave it in his ball court or b) tell him that it’s upsetting that he didn’t pick up the phone and call me back.

  10. @CommunicationProblems…….We go with A. Leave the ball in his court. ps. Take the time to help a fellow reader and VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Take care.

  11. Hi!
    So this is probably a really stupid scenario for you guys, but I’m still going to ask. Prepare for the laments of an insecure freshman.
    I was at a club event for my program, and everyone was super wasted, dancing away. Being the heavyweight I am, I was not as drunk as most, and wasn’t really into the whole grinding thing.
    So I’m wandering around on my own when, right in the middle of the crowded dance floor, I see this really cute guy from my residence! I’m not usually forward, but I decided I would go strike up a conversation.
    I said “Hey’ you’re in my residence!” and his reply seemed to show that he had never seen me before, which I find difficult to believe considering I’m one of 10 black girls. Anyways, we introduced ourselves, and went over programs, and then talked about stupid stuff. Two things I noticed: 1. He was leaning in towards me (our faces were almost touching) even though we could hear each other decently well) and 2. He kept on coming up with really random topics. After talking for not more than 3 minutes, I told him I had to go find my friends, and that I would say hey next time I saw him. And then I gave him a hug (I have no clue why). His night proceeded quite interestingly, as I saw him hooking up with at least two other girls. I feel like he might have been more drunk than I thought he was…
    Anyways, a week later,I finally saw him again. He was with his friends. I’m REALLY insecure, and my philosophy is that guys probably think I’m ugly so there’s no point in going for it. So that’s why I didn’t say hi. BUT, I did give him a classy smile, closed mouth crinkled eyes, you know. And we both made eye contact for like 10 seconds as we walked past each other? I’m pretty sure he remembers last week.
    To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what my question is. I think I just want to know what my course of action should be,if anything?

  12. @michelle…..Your course of action is try to be “visible” to him but let him initiate some sort of contact. If he’s interested he’ll approach. Good luck. ps. Your actions don’t seem to be the actions of someone who is insecure. What’s up with that?

  13. @One of the Guys Okayy, but how do I go about being “visible” as you suggest? Lol, I like to challenge myself, but at heart I’m not as comfortable with myself as others may think I am.

  14. @Michelle…….Just see if you can bump into him by accident from time to time, or show up at the same parties, etc. The rest is up to him. FYI: Lots of people feel the way you do—insecure and not as confident as they project. That’s normal. The great thing is that you understand yourself but still are able to project confidence. Good luck and keep us posted.

  15. @One of the Guys Okay, I will do that, and I’ll let you know how it goes! And that’s good to know, makes me feel a little bit better about myself.

  16. Camilla // May 24, 2013 at 6:35 pm //

    Hi I’ve got a good guy friend but i’m a noob at the dating game and i would to get your view.When we are both free we hang out alot together. He brought me to places, and likewise for me.There was a girl whom I knew was possibly interested in him. I brought him to eat duck rice and he probably told her about it. When she asked him to eat supper, he thought it was a group outing and asked if I wanted to go. Then he realised she’s just asking him so he told me that he told her she had something on. Then he also told me about another girl at work who confessed to him and he rejected. I thought he’s telling me this because we are close friends but I was wondering if he could be a player?

    I have a car but I’m not confident to drive to the city due to heavy traffic. He spared an hour to sit with me to test drive the route. We then chatted at mac for 2-3 hours. I offered to treat him to the thank him but he refused. He helped to wax and taught me to wash my car the other day and offered to pay for the stuff.

    When he knew I was not going to drive to attend the event in city, he offered to drive there to pick me up straight after his work. It will take him 1-1.5 hour for the return trip.

    I do feel attracted to him so I don’t want to over interpret his gestures. Today he forgot about a possible lunch appointment ( we talked about it but say we’ll confirm but he forgot and made other plans) with me but yet he kept asking where is the theatre i’m going to tonight so that he can fetch me home.So gentlemen, is this something that a decent guy would usually do? What is he up to?

    He has a long time gf overseas. Is he playing around?

  17. Camilla // May 27, 2013 at 5:45 am //

    Hi guys, it’s been 6 years since I last dated. Could I be reading too much into his gestures? I know I shouldn’t be hanging out with a guy who already has a gf. But he offered to help me so much, and I’ve slowly begin to like him.

    I don’t want to ruin a friendship though.

  18. @Camilla…..So is he currently with this woman overseas? If so, then yes, he’s playing around. If not, you’ll just have to wait and see what happens. He seems interested, but it’s still too early to tell.

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