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Chivalry Gone Too Far?

Monday, June 29, 2009

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So here we go!!

Dear GUYS,

I’ve gone out on four dates with a very nice guy.
He’s so nice that he pays for everything all the time. He won’t even let me
reach for my money. I’m a pretty independent woman, so I’m not used to this. I
will admit that I like it to a certain degree, but it is making me feel a little uncomfortable. Is
he trying to control me?

Monica, NY

 

Dear Monica,

Have you ever had to ask a friend for a favor, say a ride to
the airport? And afterward you kind of felt like you owed them something in
return? You didn’t feel this way because they made you feel guilty; in fact
they were very happy to give you a ride and enjoyed doing it. However, your
brain made a note to self: treat them to lunch sometime.

So we assume this is how you’re feeling, but even more
intensely. Money has a way of coloring everything, so even a completely
altruistic and generous act can feel manipulative. Since we don’t really know
your nice guy, we assume he’s just really into you. That’s a good thing, right?
He’s probably so enamored with everything about you that he feels the urge to
pay for everything. It’s one way he can show you how much he’s into you.  Don’t worry, it’s likely to mellow when the
chemical flow wears off a bit. But until then, enjoy it.

Is he consistent?  The more you get to know him, the more you’ll see if this is just
an act. If he’s generous with his friends and family, it’s likely he’s
genuinely a nice guy and that’s his normal MO. If he acts very differently with
other people, be ready for the demands to start rolling in. And we know you can
figure out what those might be.

PS If you’re still feeling the urge to balance things out on the money front, why don’t YOU 
plan a fun evening and ask him out. Make it clear to him that he can
only accept if he’s willing to let you pay for the ENTIRE evening. You might
feel like some of your independence is being restored and he probably will
appreciate you even more. (Uh oh, you know where that got you in the first
place!)

THE GUYS

Tuesday: Back on the Scene, three kids later.

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