Confused about this man’s thinking?

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The guy I was dating got divorced 2-3 yrs ago after his wife cheated on him. We started hanging out last summer with mutual friends. It was obvious there was a connection but it was acknowledged that we were on two different pages (He didn’t want a relationship and I did. I’m a relationship girl). We went on like this for four months, enjoying hanging out as friends and having a blast.

Then all of a sudden he started texting and wanting to hang out without the mutual friends. I was wary at first because I did really like him and wanted to hang out, but didn’t want him to get the impression that I was fine with a casual relationship because I wasn’t. We hung out on our own for a couple of weeks and then he asked me what I wanted and I said, “A relationship.” And he then said he wanted the same. So we became a couple.

The whole time we were dating he would say things like he thought we were made for each other and that we were soul mates. We are so freakishly alike even down to the weird way we eat certain foods. He even admitted that he was building his house and barn for me. We became super close. I actually thought he was the one. I never used to believe it when people would say ‘you know when you know,’ but it instantly hit me. I actually could see a life together with him. No hesitation whatsoever. Since he went through the divorce he now has some trust issues but not really with me; but it was obvious they were there.

After several months of dating, we had a little fight at a bar and I left without him as he said he wasn’t ready to leave. The next day he showed up at my house wanting to talk and confessed that he had his old Booty Call take him home. But he swears nothing happened; she just dropped him off. I said I needed some time to digest it all and the next day we talked and he said that maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Yet he continued to call and text me as he did when we were dating. Every other weekend when he didn’t have his daughter we spent together even during the week.

It was like nothing changed but our titles. I know what you are going to say, he was just hanging around for the sex. Well, here’s the kicker: we never had sex the whole time we were dating. His excuse started out as he was too drunk then it turned into that sex complicates relationships and takes relationships to another level. Duh! That’s what relationships do; they progress forward. I ended up walking away as I could not continue to put myself through the emotional turmoil. Now he is trying to put some of the blame for the end of the relationship on me when I feel he should take full blame for dicking me over. He changed the rules in the middle of the game. I was honest about what I wanted from the beginning and I feel like he broke his word. I feel like he never intended for this to really go all the way. I’m not naive enough to know that if he wanted to be with me he would. I just want to know what was going through his mind to do this. And I’ll point out that we aren’t young—20 somethings. We are in our mid-30s. This whole ordeal has sent me for a loop and I can’t stop obsessing over it.

So Guys give me the low down please!


Dear Casey,

Thanks for your question.

We can see the two of you had a real nice connection. And maybe if circumstances were different—he hadn’t been cheated on by his ex—things would have played out differently. But the first true test of any relationship is that initial argument or fight. That’s when you find out how committed each person is. In your case your guy realized he didn’t want to deal with anything other than smooth sailing and good times. We’re not saying it’s right or wrong, just that it is.

But as you know, conflict is part of every relationship, and we think it’s not a bad thing at all. It often helps bring people closer together, because fights are honest; they expose true feelings, and they help couples get down to the nitty gritty. Your guy has been wounded, and it seems like now he doesn’t want to deal with anything other than fun. Here’s our take: He initially didn’t want to be in a relationship as he stated to you. But then once he got to know you and the two of you connected well on so many levels he thought to himself, “Maybe I can be in a relationship with this woman. She’s totally cool and totally different.” However, as soon as you had your first fight, he was reminded again that relationships, no matter whom you’re with, take work. And he wasn’t ready to do the work required to move forward.

We can understand his position, but we can also understand why you’re upset and confused. He took you for a little emotional ride and it doesn’t feel good. Yes, he should have been clearer with you AND with himself, but our sense is, he truly thought he could give it a go, and then realized he couldn’t. Our biggest issue with him, and a huge red flag for you, is the fact that he went home with his former Booty Call as soon as he had the least bit of conflict with you. That should tell you his state of mind, and should tell you he’s far from ready to commit to someone. We’re not saying he cheated on you, we’re saying she’s his default woman because his relationship with her is clear and uncomplicated.

No, he shouldn’t be putting the blame on you, but at the same time you need to stop obsessing over who’s to blame here. The most important thing you can do is chalk this up to experience, as hard as that may be, and move on. Assigning blame is only going to hinder your healing and keep you closed to the next person you meet.

Our advice? If you truly want to put this behind you, we would suggest not hanging out with him, talking to him, or having any sort of communication with him. Hang in there Casey.


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3 Comments on Confused about this man’s thinking?

  1. The last time I spoke to him was about 5 weeks ago and he basically said he’s loosed/confused/ frustrated on what he wants. So, I told him that he needs space to clear his head and figure things out because me being in the picture is not gonna make things better. he didnt want to do thy at first but then at the end of our convo he agreed that that was best.

    I’m always sad cause of how I feel about him; I go out sometimes and try to distract myself, but I’m still down at the end of the day. I really know he needs this time to himself and I’ve always knew that because we both had relationships before we met each other. But my question is (coming from a guys perspective), how long do you think I should wait for him to clear his head? I’m planning to text him to meet up in about 3 weeks, which would make 2 months and a week.

  2. @Steph…..There’s no right amount of time. Of course the best case scenario is that he should contact you, not the other way around. Otherwise it’s just you doing all the work.

  3. Me and my hook up had the chat and decided to go our separate ways as he was confused about how he felt and asked me what I wanted and how I felt but didn’t let me answer it.
    A few days after we bumped into each other as we have the same circle of friends. It was very awkward. We both were civil to each and asked each other the normal greeting questions. But he tries to carry on with the conversation by going into details but I wasn’t interested. I just smiled and carried on with what I was doing.
    I saw him a week later and again he wanted to go into a conversation where as I’m just being polite but I don’t want to know why he is tired and why his friend let him down cuz he wanted to go to the gym.
    I was sitting down and walked over and was talking about something but I couldn’t hear him as we were at a bar. He came over and tickled me knowing I’m very ticklish. I told him to stop and laughed and walked away. After a few minutes he came over again and caressed the back off my neck. He knows that it’s a hot spot for me.
    At the end of the night we were all walking back to our cars and he was parked next to me. He started play fighting with me. I said you’d punch me and he said laughingly yes so I went to my car and stuck a finger up and smiled.
    I’m Confused by him. Why does he feel the need to touch me when he called it a day? His flirting with me like nothing’s happen. Where as I’m being civil to him and don’t wanna play games. He never explained why he we had the talk as I never questioned what we were doing as I knew what it was. His behaving like nothing’s happen. Is it wrong for me to feel his over stepping the mark?

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