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Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

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Hey Guys,

So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)

I left after sophomore year  when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught  up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.

Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)

Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!

Brittany

Dear Brittany,

Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.

It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)

Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.

These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this. 

Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.

But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.

Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.

Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.

Enough on that topic. Moving on.

Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.

Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.

Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

12 Comments on Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

  1. Hi guys…I met this guy online over two years ago. We hit off and started chatting almost daily and then this went on voice chats, emails and eventually phone calls. The thing is he lives in the States and I’m in south east Asia. About 6 months we knew each other he went traveling near to the country I live in but he said he was traveling with family so couldn’t arrange time out to meet me, which I thought it was kind of strange but I didn’t push on and then while on the last day when he was in the country, he asked me out but I wasn’t able to make it. So this daily chat and talk thing went on till around end of 2011 which the phone calls are getting shorter and only left to mainly emails only. One or two months later he got himself a roommate to live with, a girl. So basically I thought it was over and I’ve like given up and move on. Then around two months back, he started texting and emailing me before he was going to be relocated for work to Germany. And since then we are back to the daily chat thing again and like frequent video chat. I’m pretty confused and not sure if he is into me or he’s only playing around…needs some advice from you guys..~”~

  2. @Ann…..Honestly, it sounds like he enjoys talking with you, and when it’s convenient for him he reaches out to you to try to get together; but to us he’s not really working that hard at it. Also, it’s likely he disappeared for a time with some other woman. (Could have been his roommate or someone else.) And then he reappeared when that ended, and when he found out he was moving and might be lonely. So no, we don’t think this is going anywhere. He’s really not putting enough effort into it, because if he was way into you he’d be doing everything he could to see you, and he wouldn’t have dated some other woman after meeting you. Your thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  3. @guys…while he was on close terms with me, we talked about everything and lotsa hours on regular phone calls. Everything kind of took a twist after a year or so…and then he has this roommate..he claimed that they were only friends..Right before he got this roommate, he had even sent me gifts from the states. Deep down I think he wasn’t really serious of having this going on but from time to time the things he do would like trigger some hopes that made me think we might actually able to make this work. He did tell me that he does like me…but it looks like he not making an effort or anything to make this further..I’m not sure should I wait and see how it goes or just move on and forget about him.

  4. @Ann……You’re going to have to make that call. (You know the situation better than us) However, we stand by our original advice. We don’t see this going anywhere really. So if you want to see him and have fun, then by all means see him. But if you’re eager to move on and find someone who’s got some long-term potential, then cut ties now. Thoughts?

  5. @guys…things have taken a turn. He is going to buy a ticket to fly here to see me. I was planning on a trip to go Europe, not cause of that I wanna meet him actually then he said he’s going to fly over here instead..

  6. @Ann……Okay, thanks for letting us know. Good luck and have fun. Remind us again where you live? We just hope he’s serious about this trip. We’re pulling for you. Take care.

  7. I’m currently living in Singapore..is that relevant?

  8. @Ann….Not necessarily, but just trying to get a sense of the distance. The distance is relevant.

  9. @guys…thanks for the advice..we are talking on daily basis now…cam chat almost weekly. He’s going to fly over here, planned to be in sometime early next year…what do you think, guys?

  10. @Ann……Sounds positive to us. But you’ll know more when he visits. Keep us posted and have fun.

  11. Hi,

    So I am in high school and I did a summer program at a college last summer, and this guy and I became good friends, and we talk every day about sports, how our days went, etc. But he lives 15 hours from me driving. I really like him, but I do not even know if he likes me to be able to pursue a possible long distance relationship. We both went to a football game at the college we had our summer program at and he made an effort to see me and we hung out all afternoon. I met his family and he met mine. We are comfortable with each other. Is he too shy to actually tell me how he feels? I dont know what to do.

    Susie

  12. Hey – I met this guy through a friend who is getting his jd and lives about 3-5 hrs away driving. We hit it off and still have amazing chemistry whenever I visit. He definitely treats me like he cares but said recently that he has done the long distance relationship before and it didnt end well… But continues to give all the signs of being interested. Any thoughts? Think he will change his mind?

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