Dating across cultures; Should I wait for him?

Read more relationship advice and dating advice about dating across cultures: 

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 

Cultural Differences Part 1: Am I booty call? 

Cultural differences Part 2: Am I getting played? 

Different cultures; more than friends, less than lovers

Cross-cultural relationship; east meets west

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Dear Guys,

Well, there is this man that I fell in love with. I’ve known him for one-and-a-half years. His flirting was always obvious but somehow I was got the feeling he didn’t want a relationship with me.

Three months ago I took a risk and texted him that I wanted to come to his place. (I am 27 years old and still a virgin. So it was a big risk for my standards..:) ) When the big day arrived I went to his home and not surprisingly he told me that he didn’t want a relationship. Long story short, we had sex. Well actually we couldn’t because it was so painful that tears came out from my eyes. I couldn’t help it. When he saw me crying he stopped and said that  my first time shouldn’t be like this.

Then all of a sudden he told me that he was so happy that I was with him and he wouldn’t want anything else right now. As you can imagine I was just shocked.  (I was really drunk at that moment; I really don”t remember what I felt.) Then he told me that he loved me too much. I also told him that I loved him. But I didn’t open up about wanting a relationship during the night.

The rest of the night was so romantic. He was hugging me, kissing my hands; but we didn’t have sex that night. He was hugging me while we were sleeping. I remember that I was feeling so mixed up in the morning. I knew that I couldn’t keep seeing him like this without a relationship because you know this could kill me. By the way that morning I figured out that my period had just started—it wasn’t expected—and the cramps were so awful. So I decided to dress up while he was sleeping and give him a goodbye kiss.

He pulled me into the bed. I told him that I didn’t feel well because of the cramps. He started to kiss me and wanted to have sex with me again. It was so painful and the cramps were making it even worse. So I told him to stop. He stopped but he was so angry this time. I wanted him to calm down so I could talk with him. He said, “What is there to talk about?” He also said that it would be better for me to go since I was already going.

I told him it shouldn’t end like this. He said that it doesn’t mean that this is the end. But my heart was so broken that I told him I didn’t want to see him again because I hoped there could be something between me and him. He again told me that he didn’t want a relationship. I told him I understood. He said he already told me this yesterday and he added he didn’t do anything bad to me. I agreed with him that he didn’t do anything bad. (I was the one who came to his place and wanted to have sex with him.) In the end I kissed him on the cheeks and said goodbye. I also told him not to call me. (I don’t know why I said this; I think I was just so sad at that moment.)

It has been three months now before all this happened. I still love him and miss him. I know that I can’t do anything about this but do you think is it worth still waiting for him. (Thanks and sorry for the language mistakes.) And by the way he is 11 years older then me. He is an American and I am from Turkey. I thought it might be important to specify..:)

Sanam

Dear Sanam,

Thanks for your question. We admire that you took a risk and went for it. And although it didn’t work out the way you hoped, we still think it’s good to go for what you want in life.

Guys usually say what they mean, and mean what they say. He told you upfront  that he didn’t want a relationship and that hasn’t changed. Yes, he wanted to have sex with you, but he was pretty clear that he didn’t want anything else. Also, take a look at his reaction the second time you tried to have sex. It wasn’t very positive or supportive, which would indicate that sex was his primary goal.

We know you’re second-guessing yourself, and wishing you didn’t say some of the things you said, but honestly, we don’t think it would have changed anything. The two of you have different goals in mind. We don’t think he’s the guy for you even if you have strong feelings for him. We can’t say why he feels the way he feels, but once again, he was very clear with you throughout. You might say, “Well, then why was he hugging me, kissing me, and telling me he loved me?” Our reply: That’s all part of the “dance.” Remember, you hadn’t had sex yet, so he was still feeling very passionate, and very horny.

Our suggestion: Move on. This guy is not looking to be in a relationship with you. We’re truly sorry.

Do you have any other questions? Thoughts? (Leave them in the comments below)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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20 Comments on Dating across cultures; Should I wait for him?

  1. Dear Guys,

    I am looking for your advise on the events that took place in my life recently. Story seems long, and I hope you will go through it, thanks for your patience.
    I (48) met this guy (56) from a dating site. After about a month of chatting on the site and skype, he invited me out for coffee. And as I(an asian) saw, he fell in love at the first sight. After the date (about 1 h. 30 min) he (a scandinavian) called and said he has fallen in love with me. We started meeting on regular basis and I indicated that I am interested in a long term serious and meaningful relationship. He got the message and agreed for a possibility there. On second date he told me about his financial debt about a property loan and that he is separated from his ex-wife (10 yrs. relationship, fell apart due to sexual incompatibility) for 2 years now and they have agreed to file for a divorce should any of them need it. He invited me over dinner for the third date (I paid for myself) and at the end of this wonderful time together (I could feel he in love like a teenager) I told him that I will not be seeing him again as he is still legally married to his latest ex-wife and I will not be dating married men. Same night he printed the Divorce forms (a Thursday) and went to his ex-w next morning (A Friday), got the sinatures and filed for divorce before 1200 noon. It was supposed to take about 12 weeks of court’s time. I suggested we did not meet til his divorce got finalised, but he told he would be extremely sad if he did not see me during this period. So I gave in and agreed to keep meeting. I asked to see his ex-w in the meantime, but she refused. During this period I told that I will not be engaging into sex till I am sure that this is the relationship I want for the rest of my life. He agreed to respect that. We continued to have great platonic time together, outing, day trips, cooking together etc. He kept on telling me he has fallen in love again and again (with me, that is!). In about a month or so he told me ‘I love you’. And he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Well. During some conversations, whenever he mentioned his latest ex-w (total exes 4, D 31, with no. 1 and S 21, with !
    no. 2) I
    could see his continued involvement with her. He spoke fondly about her. I politely asked not to mention about her to me (as I felt uncomfortable seeing his continued affection for her). He agreed. Things were going great, he helped me with many practical things (finances separate). Great conversations, mostly fun, bantering, spending time together, sharing feelings etc. The divorce finally came through in about 4 weeks. Things did not change for him, but for me yes. I (divorced once, D 21, and S 14, took a long term break from dating to raise my children)felt more secure and ready to get involved. He was very nice, caring and affectionate. He wanted me to visit him, but I refused for the reason that his residence was at a remote place in interiors with the next-door neighbour at about 5 km away. I was not comfortable visiting him in such environment. Initially, he was ok with it, but later expressed his displeasure and said he does not feel accepted. If and when the topic of his latest ex-w came, it made me very sad seeing his ongoing affection and attachment, despite that he seemed in love with me (or infatuated). I had said to him that, in my view, his relationship with his ex was not over. He said that she will never be a threat to me or my relationship but agreed that she is his best friend and soul-mate. Knowing this made me even more sad. He could feel that I was very sad about this but said he had no solution for that and with time I might feel better. I agreed to give some time. Meanwhile when I asked, he told me that he still speds time together with his ex-w. He takes her to movies, music concerts and other places that one usually goes while dating. He is also her ‘handyman’. We got more close together, both emotionally and a bit physically, but no sex. Then again he asked me if ‘I will be his’. About 4 months had passed and he was very much wanted to make me his official ‘girlfriend’. He was also indicating that he wants to have sex with me as he has waited long enough. I told him that I wil!
    l need a
    few things from him to accept being his GF. When he asked me what they were, I said, he should be done with his debt, wanted to know about his alcohol intake and reduce it if it was excessive and that I was not really comfortable he spending one-on-one time (actually continuing dating) with his ex-w. He was very upset to hear all that and finally said, he can not or will not give me any of these. To this my response was to end the courtship as I will keep feeling sad whenever her ex-w will come into picture and his alcohol consumption was not known to me. He became very very sad and cried. (In scandinavia, men cry easily.)He said he loved me deeply and is not holding anything back in love. He took it as a rejection and became angry the next day. Removed me from the skype contacts and put up a profile on the dating site next evening.
    Now I am confused. Where I chose to keep my own boundaries firmly, I also broke his heart. Or didn’t I? Could there have been a better way to handle the situation?
    Dear good guys, I am not a dishonest or cruel woman. Somewhere I feel was it a bit unfare to him? But at the same time I feel, I could not have been comfortable if I chose to remain with him. Specially with his continued involvement with his ex-w. So I chose to break his heart, instead to accept a hurting situation for myself. I missed him after the break up. I felt sad for ending the things. Or is it just my emotional dilemma? There has been no contact for 5 weeks now. I still sometimes feel bad for him.
    I want your help in that, please analyse this situation from guys’ perspective and tell what is your take. If I made a mistake, I will not be hesitent to extend an apology. But above all, I would like to maintain my own selfrespect and dignity in this situation.
    And please let me know if I can do anything now to make things better. I will not be able to continue with him, if he continued dating his ex-w and did not work on his alcohol issues.
    Please advise.
    With best regards,
    Swedish

  2. @Swedish……..You absolutely did the right thing. We get the sense that this guy loves the idea of falling in love, but doesn’t necessarily know how to sustain it and follow through over a long period of time. We think you probably saved yourself a lot of heartache in that regard. As per his ex. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. We understand that he’s older and that he has established friendships that he doesn’t want to give up. If that’s the case he needs to find someone willing to put up with that. Some people think that relationships are all about acceptance. They say, “You have to accept me as I come.” That’s a load of crap. Yes, relationships are about acceptance, but they’re also about compromise. And more people need to take a look at their own behaviors and ask themselves, “What do I need to change in order for me to grow?” “What’s working?” “What isn’t?” People who remain static in their thinking are the people who have difficulties sustaining relationships. Your guy seems like one of those people. We know it’s hard and we’re sorry, but we think you should move on. And in the future, be wary of a guy who says he’s in love with you on the first date. Love is much different than lust. Thoughts?

  3. Dear Guys, Thanks for your advice. It has made my thoughts more clear and cleared me of my guilt of breaking his heart.
    Recent developments: He contacted me on the dating site on which we had first met. After a few formal pleasanteries, he accused me of making a bargain in love. He said I was most rude and abusive when I asked him to turn his back on his dear friend (referrs to I suggesting cutting down on one on one time with his ex-wife. He says love was not enough for me and I was raising my demands on him before giving myself to him. My take is that when we were thinking of spending the reast of our lives together, I wanted to make sure that I get what I want from a relationship. When I knew that he was not willing to work on any of the issues, I chose to break up and move on. I now know that he was not even ready to see things from my point of view. Yesterday on phone he told me in a rude tone ‘it was my problem and not his, so I was supposed to work on it myself alone’. Here I feel unheard, get no empathy and on top of it all the accusations. Is that how things are supposed to be? What in your openion should I do? Any suggestions? I am really feeling bad about myself.

  4. @Swedish…….Suggestions about what? Dealing with him? Or moving on? If you’ve moved on we don’t see any reason why you have to take his verbal reprimands. Do you?

  5. Thanks again. You are so right. When I have moved on, I really do not have to take any of his bad words. I feels bad though, to be seen that way by someone who ‘said’ he love you and whom you have invested your emotions into. But that is how life is, I guess. Or isn’t it?

  6. @Swedish…Yes it is. Unfortunately you have no control over his actions or words. You can only do what you need to do as nicely as you can. But you still have to be firm and sometimes that’s hard for people. Try to move on and not fret over all his words. Take care.

  7. Hi…Im so confused, I dont know what to do…I reaaaally need a guys perspectiuve on this…so here it goes

    My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years (almost 5) before that we were together like for 11 months and I broke up with him, he was torn apart but we got back together like 8 months later. I asked him if he had slept with someone (we were both virgin) and he said yes he had lost his virginity and slept with several other women (one including a far cousin). I got uncomfortable but I got over it (not easily) since we we’re not together and I was the one who broke up with him that time. BTW this cousin we see her and he sees her, he told me it was a one time thing and no feelings were involved (I believe him, he’s a good guy I think he had a hard time with the breakup) I get along with her fine (now)….

    Well last september (afeter being toegther for 4 years, and having an awesome relationship, very strong) he decided to break up, since he was having a lot of issues and wasnt feeling good (he was depressed, he wasnt diagnosed by a psych, I’m a doctor and he was depressed). I was really devastated and ended up doing things I shouldnt have, alcohol, mj, and the reason that im asking for your help is that I also slept with a mutual friend (he is my friend, my bf met him through me but they get along very well)….Well we got back together in the beginining of february (this month) cause he came back to me in december saying he made a mistake and we started talking until we got back together… I love him and I know he loves me, he’s living like 2 hours away from me because of work right now so trust is a big part of our relationship right now…

    I dont know if I should tell him I slept with our friend. Right now he’s not hanging out with us that much but I would feel weird if they started hanging out and stuff and my bf didnt know what went down. even though it was a one night stand (the only guy I’ve been with apart from my bf) and no feelings were involved on either part. I dont think my friend would tell him but I feel uncomfortable like not telling my bf since if he slept with a mutual friend (someone fro our circle) on anytime even if we were not together i would like to know…

  8. @Vil……..Hmm…….this has to be your call. A lot depends on how comfortable you are with keeping it a secret. It doesn’t sound like you’re comfortable keeping it from your boyfriend. If that’s the case and you feel compelled to tell him, start the conversation out by telling him how devastated you were with the breakup, and that in order to heal properly the two of you need to be completely honest with one another. Ask him what he’s been up to since. It’s likely he’s also been “exploring” a bit. Remember, you didn’t cheat on him. He broke up with you and you were hurt and sad and you sought comfort in someone else’s bed. It happens. Don’t let him make you feel shitty about it. It’s life and he did the same thing to you with his cousin. Vil, in order for this to work, both of you need to come clean and choose each other. Which means, he has to choose you with all of your flaws and you have to choose him. Every day. Not when you feel like it. Do you think a couple’s counselor would help to facilitate this conversation? And is this a cross cultural relationship? Please give us some details so we can understand what’s going on? How old are the two of you?

  9. Hey one of the guys, thank you for your reply.

    I am 23 years old and he is 24. It is not a cross cultural relationship. He lives two hours away and comes every weekend.I tried to be comfortable with not telling him since we were not together, I didnt cheat, he broke up with me, I was in a really bad place (before he broke up with me I was in mild depression and in treatment but when he broke up with me i stopped taking my pills and went through a really bad phase, thats when i slept with the other guy.

    I told myself I would not bring it up but if he asked me if I had been with someone else during the break I would tell him (he is not the kinda of guy to be digging around in my past if its not concerned with him). But I dont know it doesnt feel right. But im scared what would happen if I tell him, I dont know if he could get over it and not stop thinking about me being with some other guy even if it meant nothing.

  10. Also I know if I had slept with someone who was not a friend of mine that my bf got along with so well (in the past, he’s not hanging out tih us that much now)I would not be feeling this way. If it was just some random guy I slept with I would not feel like I should tell my bf anything because of everything i said in the comment before and what you guys told me….but Im uncomfartable about the idea if in the future my friend starts hanging out with us again and my bf and him have to socialize, I would feel kinda of bad leaving my bf out of the loop since I know if he knew what happened between me and my friend he probably wont treat him the same…so I dont know what to do…to tell him or not to tell

  11. I think I should try and get comfortable of the idea of not telling him. If he asks me I would tell him the truth I would not lie to him and in the scenario that they start hanging out again (my friend and my bf, though the probability of that happening are low) I would speak with my friend and tell him to please stop hanging out with my bf since it would not feel right…and telling my bf its probably just gonna hurt him a lot and anyway is not his business since we werent together and he has not asked… After we first slept together when we got back together now…I told him “wow i missed this so much” and he said “what having sex?” and i said “with you” it came out spontaneosly and he didnt say anything about it…maybe he got it that I had slept with someone else and prefers not to know (since he dropped the subject) or maybe he didnt think nothing of my comment ….sorry for all the comments im just so confused and need a guys input since women and men think so differently

  12. @Vil……This is your call of course. We imagine that you’ll know what’s right. Your gut will guide you. Good luck.

  13. Thank you for your answer. But I would like to know if my last stand of not saying anything if he doesn’t asks is alright and if they start hanging out tell my friend that either we tell him or they stop hanging out since it wouldn’t be fair to keep my bf in the dark?

  14. @Vil…..You were broken up right? (Sorry, if we spaced) If that’s the case you don’t technically have to tell him. Once again, it’s come down to what your gut tells you is right. If you tell him you risk him freaking out. If you don’t tell him now you risk him finding out and freaking out bigger later. Possibly. Or it’s possible the two of you will be on more solid ground down the road and the freak out will be less. This is all guess work. There’s not much else we can say on this. We wish we could. Good luck.

  15. Guys,

    I’m not quite sure what is going on with my best friend. We have known each other for quite a while, but we were both in relationships at the time so we never really had the chance to get to know each other and become best friends. Ever since we started talking though everything clicked. However we had both agreed that we didn’t want anything serious right now since we had recently gotten out of long dysfunctional relationship situations. We still texted flirtatiously everyday though. We don’t get to hangout too much due to distance, but when we do we always have a good time. The problem is the first time we hung out we almost had sex and probably would have if we didn’t have an issue with the alcohol. He was still all touchy feely after that though. Not perverted like or anything though. A few days after it happened we discussed it and he told me that it would probably never happen again because he felt kinda weird afterward and he didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Well a few days after that my dumbass told him I had feelings for him, but he had nothing to worry about. He was cool about it, he just told me that he thinks we are better off friends and he wants to “ho” around right now since he never got the chance to (he was with his ex for 8 years). Since then we haven’t texted nearly as much as we used to and it’s not anything like when we first started talking. He has a job now, but it feels like it might be more than that. I’m hoping he changes his mind about everything, but I feel like I might have ruined that by telling him that I liked him. Like I’m cool with being just his friend, but do you think I should just give it time or does he really think we are better off as friends?

  16. @Amber…..If he had romantic feelings for you he would have said something when the opportunity arose. Don’t you think? No worries though. He still thinks you’re cool. But we think you’re better off friends. We’re taking our cues from him. Maybe you should too.

  17. Dear Guys,

    My best friend moved across country a year ago. I’ve always had a HUGE crush on him, and we Skype every day. Before he moved he was dating a really mean, manipulative, lying girl, Kara. Because of that, I never got to tell him how I feel… I want to tell him, but I’m not sure how to, or how he will react… I don’t know how to handle this.

  18. @Cali…..Does he ever hint at liking you beyond friends? Was there ever a chance for him to ask you to be his girlfriend? If so, why didn’t he jump at the opportunity? And let’s say you tell him, what then? Do you have some sort of plan or do you just want to profess how you feel?

  19. Nice Girl // May 29, 2013 at 2:50 pm //

    Dear Guys

    I need help. I don’t know if this is fortunately or unfortunately I fell I love with a guy. I been with my guy for about 2 years. We have great chemistry and get along well, we barely fight and majority of our fights is over the phone or texts.
    I have to mention that I am a single mother and have a little girl. He absolutely adores her and at times refers her as his “own child” he brings up our future all the time we talk about marriage and our future family. Our fights are mostly about me wanting it to be taken to the next step. We have “broken” things off during this time only for him to come back and we resume our thing.
    Now we basically called it end actually he did and as being emotional I begged and pleaded. He told me he “loves me” and cares for me alot he has cried to me on a few occasions telling me how it hurts him that he can’t give me what I want. Well last week we ended things because we are not on the same page now. It’s been a week the longest we have gone without contact. He texted me saying how sorry he is and how he will always love me.
    I love this guy alot, and I can’t imagine my life without him. I want to know if he will continue playing this hot/cold game or will he man up or step up.

    Thanks
    Nice Girl

  20. @Nice Girl……It’s very tough for us to know exactly what he’s thinking. But if were to guess we’d say he’s made his decision. The fact that he’s hot and cold at all is a decision in itself if that makes sense. Meaning, he knows how you feel and still he ended things. We’re sorry. Hang in there.

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