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Dating after divorce: Is he interested or not?

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Dear Guys,

I met this guy and we hit it off right away. We have both been through divorces this past year and both have one son with full custody. Our values, morals,and future wants are all in line with each other. On our first date there was also alot of physical attraction. After the first date he texts me and says he really likes me and definitely wants to go out again. So everything seems perfect. The major problem is he has a super crazy ex-wife(not an exaggeration). Now every time we have made plans she causes some uproar and he ends up not being able to go out with me. I know he talks to her way more than he should (even though he says he is done with her) and he has kinda backed off talking to me so much. Needless to say I told him I couldn’t do this(basically risk getting myself hurt right now) and when things calm down on his end with the ex he can feel free to call me.

Two days later he texts and says he can’t stop thinking about me and wants to make sure I am okay. Then says when all the court dates he has to go through are done he wants to see me again. I can understand and have some patience with this but usually if a guy really likes you wouldn’t he do anything to keep it going or be with you? Or does the fact that he has backed off mean he really doesn’t want to date me and with his words he is just trying not to hurt me? It confuses me.

What do you guys think? I don’t want to get my hopes up or hold onto something that isn’t going to happen.

Courtney

Dear Courtney,

Thanks for writing to us.

We think he’s into you, but he’s got a lot on his plate, and not all of it is conducive to starting a new relationship. Typically a guy will do anything to keep something new going, but in his case he’s dealing with larger issues than a stressful job, or travel commitments, etc. We think you should have some patience with him, but still proceed with caution.

You don’t say why he has court dates. We thought he was divorced with full custody of his son? So we can only assume he is working out some alimony situation, or his ex is fighting the custody arrangement. Getting divorced, as you know, can be a messy and sometimes hurtful affair, and in his case it sounds ultra messy. So why he is resolving some of these issues, you need to lay low and give him some time.

Our next thought is why does he talk to his ex so much? If it’s to work out schedules, and talk about issues with their child, that’s one thing. But if they’re talking about their relationship, or any other issues that don’t involve their son, then you need to stay far away from this guy. Because if he’s still talking to her, then he’s still connected to her emotionally, which means he’s left the door open. This doesn’t mean he wants to get back with her—although it could—but it does mean she has a presence in his psyche which will impact every other relationship he tries to have now, and in the future. So it’s up to you Courtney, to determine how connected he is to his ex. Once you surmise where he stands, then you’ll know what to do.

Having said all that, we do think he’s interested in you, and telling you the truth when he says he misses you and wants to see you after the court dates are all over. But you need to be clear with him what you need. Don’t pretend the situation is okay when it isn’t. Both of you come to the table with a lot of “stuff,” so you’re going to have to communicate clearly and openly with each other or it won’t work.

One last note: We do believe that divorced couples should do everything in their power to be amicable, or at least pretend to be amicable. Having a civil, or even a friendly relationship with an ex, is much better for the emotional stability of the children. However, it should be all about the children, not about working through issues, or walking down memory lane. Presumably when couples get divorced they’ve already tried to work through problems. So if this is still going on with your guy, we’d say don’t touch it.

You’re going to have to probe a little here Courtney. Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a note if you have any follow up comments or questions. Please let your friends know about us.

 

 

 

3 Comments on Dating after divorce: Is he interested or not?

  1. Guys, your advice is spot on yet again. If he is still emotionally attached to his ex, then I think she needs to run, not walk, to the next bus stop, hop on that bus and keep going until she is far, far away. But, if he is just trying to finalize divorce or custody issues etc., that is a whole other show.

    I wish you luck, Courtney. I hope you are able to get all the info you need to make a good decision.

  2. Courtney // May 20, 2011 at 6:25 am //

    Thanks for replying to my question guys. Your advice is very appreciated. His court dates are to finalize custody of his son and another related to some misdeeds of his ex and her new boyfriend. From what I am gathering she contacts or harasses him often. I have taken the advice and let him know what I need and again he says he really likes me and wants to try to date after the court dates and his lack of communication/contact lately have been from exhaustion from all this stress. He is also having to deal with some “mixed feelings” and is trying to sort through them and get rid of them. Having had been emotionally where he is now I can understand( he firmly states he will never get back together with her). I guess I will ‘lay low’ and let him contact me when he is ready.

  3. @Courtney…….Thanks for your follow up comment. What are these mixed feelings? Definitely best to let him sort these out on his own.

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