Dating an older guy: What are we?

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Dear Guys,

I’m 26, and I’ve been seeing an older man (31) for the past 3 months. On our first date we had sex. (We went to dinner, had a great time, lots of conversation, watched a game, was not planning on going back to his place but it just happened). After that, we have been going out to dinners, having a great time, and still hooking up. (But no late night calls to come over like a booty call.) I know I am not a booty call; he treats me very respectfully and opens the car door for me every time, and pays for dinner even when I try to.

We talk at least once every day. I haven’t met any of his friends, but he does talk about them. Also he has a very busy schedule between work and sports, but he has invited me to come watch one of his games. I am starting to have strong feelings for him and I am not sure how to handle it.

Do I bring it up, or wait for him to say something? I don’t want him to feel like I am rushing him into a relationship and don’t want to scare him away. Help!


Dear Lynne,

Thanks for your question. Your age difference of five years is not that great, so while he is an older guy, you’re both around the same age. (Some questions we get are from women dating guys who are 15-20 years older, which does add another layer to the question.)

We don’t want to sound like a broken record, but once you sleep with a guy, you’ve begun an intimate relationship with him, meaning you’re not overstepping your bounds by asking him to more clearly define your relationship. Of course this does not guarantee you’re going to hear the answer you’re hoping to hear, but it does mean it’s not too soon for you to inquire.

What do we think?

From what you describe it sounds like you’re in a bona fide relationship that has more going for it than just sex. We think you should talk to him. If you don’t want to scare him why don’t you ask him what he thinks of your relationship and maybe how he defines it, instead of telling him how you feel. Once you hear what he has to say, then you can decide how much you want to reveal to him.

But we’ll be honest with you Lynne. It’s our experience that if a guy gets “scared” it’s because he really wasn’t into the woman in the first place. Sure, you don’t want to go telling a guy you’ve just met that you’re in love with him, but in your case, three months is a good amount of time to truly develop strong feelings for someone. Eventually you’ll have to come clean anyway. And why not? He should know how you feel at some point soon. If he says he’s too busy, or not interested in a serious commitment, you should move on. Waiting for someone unwilling to make a commitment is like waiting for winter to end at the North Pole.

However, we’re hoping it’s going to all work out for you.

Good luck,


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