Dating my ex’s brother; bad idea?

Dear Guys,

This guy and I text often, but I’ve only spoken to him on the phone once and seen him once. He says he doesn’t really like talking on the phone when his kids are around and he has invited me over to his house on numerous occasions after his kids have gone to bed. With us working opposite schedules and both having kids—we don’t want them involved—it has never worked out for us to get together. I also feel kind of strange about the fact that he is inviting me over after 9pm, but I also realize that there isn’t any other choice at this point because his kids live with him. He asked me to meet him at a local bar when he was out for his brother’s birthday. (His brother, my ex, also invited me.) But I was unable to attend because I had my children that evening and no sitter.

Another thing I am unable to wrap my head around is that he got upset when I told him I mentioned to his brother, my ex, that he friended me on Facebook and messaged me a few times. His response was, “Damn, what did he say?” (He tells me he just doesn’t want anyone knowing his business and thinks his brother would be mad if he knew we were talking.) I told him his brother didn’t say much. But the truth is his brother said, “He’s still an A-hole you know? What’s he gotta message you for anyway?”

Then there was one whole week where he totally disappeared and ignored my texts, and didn’t respond until a week later. His explanation was, “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t myself this week. Please forgive me.” I asked what happened but he didn’t give me an answer other than he had very personal things to deal with. I wonder if it had to do with his ex but that’s just a guess. We have not known each other that long that I felt I could push for a better answer.

I’m 30 and he’s 28, so he’s not that much younger than me that he should be relying on texting so much. That’s just my opinion. On a few recent occasions we have exchanged sexy photos and had some sexy conversations about things we like and the such. Since then it seems like our conversations always head in that direction after we get through the the basics of how the day is going. I don’t mind actually. I just am unsure if this means that he’s just after sex or if he is just being a man and wanting to see some photos and talk dirty. (What I sent wasn’t anything X rated though, just sexy.)

I guess my question to you guys is: Is this guy into me or is he just keeping himself busy and want someone to talk to? The thing that complicates it for me is when I think he likes me I feel myself pulling back because I don’t want anything serious at this time (I’m not even divorced yet) but when I feel like he isn’t interested in me, it hurts my feelings.  Please give me your read on my situation.

Name Withheld

Dear NW,

Thanks for your question.

The thing that jumps out at us, is that you’re talking about dating your ex’s brother! And you don’t seem to be focusing on that fact, which strikes us as imprudent. (Maybe this is a guy thing.) However, the most likely reason this new guy—the brother—is giving you mixed signals, is because he knows that it’s not a great idea to date his brother’s ex-wife, or rather, wife, since you’re not yet divorced. There may be tension in their relationship now, but something like this could push that tension to the next level, and create a rift that’s unlikely to mend.

We think it’s important for you to know the facts. Guys have an unwritten code. We tend not to date our friends’ ex-girlfriends, or ex-wives. And we especially don’t date our brothers’ exes. Yes, it does happen, but only under special circumstances, and often after some time has passed. We don’t see any sort of special circumstance applying here, and in addition, it’s WAY too soon.

That said, we do think he’s into you, although he’s very conflicted, as he should be. That’s why his behavior is inconsistent and confusing. Our advice: Figure out if you’re truly going to get divorced, and then, if/when you do, try dating a guy outside your inner-circle. At least for a while, until everyone is able to be civil to one another again. Overall, we just don’t think you’ll be happy being in the middle of the conflict that will likely ensue, especially since you’re conflicted yourself.

Good luck,


ps. Please tell your friends about us. Thanks!


6 Comments on Dating my ex’s brother; bad idea?

  1. Okay 7 billion people in the world which would mean roughly 3.5 billion men out there that aren’t your exes’ brother. Now this is just my opinion, but I think you should choose from one of the other 3.5 billion and avoid your exes brother entirely because honestly it’s doomed to fail and you’re doing way more harm than you think. I mean like just think of family gatherings, don’t need to meet the parents already met them. It’s just wrong especially if you ended it with him, if that’s the case he’s going to think you’re trying to ruin his life. I guess if he ended it with you or if he cheated on you constantly then it’s not as bad but at the same time why would you still want that in your life? Idk just saying if my brother dated my ex and I still loved her I’d put him in the hospital and would never speak a word to him again.

  2. @Nathan P……..Thanks for your input. (It got a chuckle from us.)

  3. Honestly im in this situation an i think its a little uncomfortable but i never met the parents an friends untill the brother an he treats me like a queen maybee things happen for a reason we look at situations as more of a moral persepective but really in reality who are we hurting no one but your ego an pride honestly o do keep in mind he cheated on me the whole time so really i wasnt his women just convience i guess the brother was a better man for me an we are happy im just saying 😇

  4. @PJ……Every situation is different. So in your case it might work just fine. Thanks for sharing. Good luck.

  5. Ok, I had been in love with this guy since we were kids and it was reciprocated but things never worked out, I moved away to another country but then after 13 years I came back home and we reconnected again as grow ups had a few dates slept together and I left again, he got married and move also and is closed to me, I got divorced and looked him up had a couple of flings and broke it off again. Now his brother and I found each other on FB and started a phone affair, I really enjoy talking with his brother he is funny and sweet and romantic and makes me so hot when we have phone sex, I haven’t felt like that since my ex husband who was a great f, not even with his brother did I feel what I feel with him when we talk on the phone. What the F is wrong with me.

  6. @Les……What do you mean, what is wrong with you? What are you asking specifically? Question: Do you believe in some ways you’re trying to get back at his brother by having phone sex with him? Is that what you mean? Please be more specific. But…..also, try not to beat yourself up over this. You’re human. And it’s not like you’re cheating on anyone, even if it feels that way in some ways. What does his brother think? (The guy you’re currently having phone relations with?)

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