I have a question about a guy I have been seeing. I am a single, college educated, never been married, financially independent woman. I do not have any children or any real issues. I met a guy who was working as a bartender at a local restaurant/bar that my friends and I hang out at times. I did not take him seriously for about 2 year, but I was seeing someone. But I will admit, I was being a bit elitist in thinking he was only a bartender, etc.
Well, over the past 4 years, we have been going back and forth, on and off. He, at some point, met a girl and she became his girlfriend. It sounds like she hurt him a lot, and when they broke up from time to time, he would contact me. I finally started liking him, but we kept getting interrupted by the timing–he would get back with his ex or I would meet someone. Now since February, 2011, we have been kind of seeing each other. I asked him if he was over his ex and at least open to seeing what might happen between us. He said yes. We had not slept together until after this conversation.
He just graduated from art school and I left him alone to finish his final projects. Last Friday, I was out with my girlfriends celebrating some birthdays. My guy, let’s call him Steve, and I had gotten together on Tuesday and had a great time. We made plans for Sunday, but I kinda wanted to see him Friday night when he got home from work. I kind of pushed it a bit. I was a bit tipsy, and I got a bit wild. I guess I said somethings like, “Do you believe people can stay this attracted to each other over time?” and “Steve you need to get tested.” (We had discussed this before because I am very adamant about this and he agreed!.)
We also decided to go on a little trip— my treat for his graduation. So I asked him when he thought it would work for him. I might have said some other things, but honestly, nothing like, “I want to marry you.” or “I love you.” So Saturday morning, in my gut, I got this weird feeling he was freaked out. I went running and thought about it. I sent him a text saying, “Hey Steve, I was kinda drunk last night and I went running and just got back. While I ran, I thought about my behavior last night and I am sorry if I was over the top. It was not my intention.” He did not respond to the text. Later, around ten at night, I texted him to just say, “Hey,how is work going?” No reply from Steve. So now I am really feeling like he is totally wigged out and I was right. Sunday comes and no call about our plans. So around noon I get back from the gym and call and say, “Hey are we still on for today?” He calls back around 3pm to say that he needs to distance himself from me and that I am getting too attached and he doesn’t want to send me mixed signals. So I call back then hang up and text and say, “I was drunk, that is why I texted you this morning, can we talk?” He says yes, I will call you later. We had a really good conversation. I listened and he said he didn’t know why he was so freaked. I asked him if he wanted to take some time to be alone because he has had a lot of transitions lately with graduation, getting over the ex, trying to decide about work, etc. I get that! He said no he liked me, liked being with me, and didn’t need to take time. So then our conversation ended and I thought it was resolved.
I didn’t contact him all week and I didn’t hear from him. Friday afternoon I text him, “Hi, Steve, how are you?” No reply. We are friends on Facebook, so I looked on his page, and he posted at about 11 pm on Friday, “I am heading to the backwoods this weekend on my Harley, etc..” And I never heard from him. So I went on with my Memorial Day weekend. But I am still really hurt and confused by this. I said to him on Monday night that to me, talk is cheap, and a person reveals his/herself by actions. He agreed. So now I feel like he is blowing me off—and I really don’t want that to be the case. I will not call or text him but I don’t know if I will hear from him again.
What is your advice or insight to this situation? Am I just dreaming to think that this could be any kind of relationship? I wish I had listened to him on Friday and skipped going over to his house, but I was out and really wanted to see him. I guess I totally screwed this one up. Thanks for your reply.
Thanks for your question.
It is possible for people to move too fast, or move too slowly, or say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But generally, if that’s all it takes to mess up the possibility of a relationship, we tend to think it was probably not going to happen anyway.
It feels like you’re having to force this relationship on “Steve” and that shouldn’t be the way it is. We still don’t think you’ve done anything we’d consider a “deal breaker.” If he was really into you, or really wanted a relationship, he would welcome your tipsy advances, unless you were way over the top, or completely embarrassing, which doesn’t sound the case. And even if you were, you apologized and tried to make it right, which shows your reflective, self-aware side. In our minds those are great qualities to have.
“Steve” is in a transitional phase of his life as you know. It doesn’t matter that he’s older than some guys in this stage. The fact is everyone’s timeline is different and he’s gotten a late start on his career path. He needs time to figure out where he’s going and what he wants. He also sounds like he’s still torn emotionally over his ex. He needs time to do his thing, on his own terms. And isn’t that the way life is? It’s all about timing. And in your case, it feels like the timing just isn’t there.
So our advice is, let things play out on his terms. He has to be the one who initiates with you, not the other way around, which has been the case up until this point. Let him contact you via texting or calling. Let him ask you out. Let him be the one to plan any weekend getaways. And see how it goes. If nothing happens then you’ll know it’s not the right time for him. As far as having physical relations with him: please be careful. It’s likely if he calls you out of the blue, he’s seeing other women besides you. You’ve got to be safe out there.
We also think you need to put yourself back out on the dating scene when you’re ready. We know you’re still into this guy, but if you can keep a little of yourself open to meeting someone new, this might be a really nice thing for you.
Please leave us a follow up comment, and keep us posted. (Feel free to ask another question anytime.)
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