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Did he ever care at all?

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Monday’s Question:

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

So long story short. After 9 months of being friends with a guy I finally got the nerve to tell him I liked him. I was tired of him staring at me and acting awkward, not knowing where we stood. We have hooked up but it wasn’t until after about 5 months and we still spoke after.

Any way I said that to him because I didn’t want to have any regrets. His answer was, “It’s okay. Listen, we did what we did. No one got hurt. It’s not  awkward at work. No one had to break up. And I’m moving to Canada next year(hockey).” I just said I understood. And like I said it was just something I wanted to say even though I knew what he was going to say.

I need to move on. But the whole time we were friends both of us had fun, got along, weren’t too clingy, and always gave ample space to have our own lives. So I just don’t fully get his answer. Did he care at all about me? I would rather be told “I don’t like you” vs having someone show me all signs pointing to caring about me but then saying that.

I know this is silly but it’s bugging me a little. I don’t know if this matters but last year he had a crappy breakup and was dumped.

Thanks for your help!

Blake

Dear Blake,

Thanks for writing to us. Your question is not silly. We totally understand how you might be feeling.

Let’s discuss the hooking up part first from a guy’s perspective.

Maybe this is true for women too, but a guy can separate sex and emotion pretty easily. Meaning, just because a guy wants to have sex with a woman, and is physically attracted enough to do that, doesn’t necessarily mean he wants anything more. He might want more, but having sex isn’t how he would show that. (He would show it by taking the woman out to dinner, giving her presents, and introducing her to all his friends and family.)

And we see this all the time. A man and woman are hanging out enjoying each others company over a course of months. They act like boyfriend and girlfriend, but nothing has actually been discussed about it. The woman starts to feel like something is developing beyond friendship and the man isn’t thinking that at all. (It could be reversed as well, but not as common because women express themselves more than guys do, so a guy would more likely know where he stood with a woman.) Anyway, once “hooking up” is added to the equation the waters get very murky, and now you have a situation like you’re facing.

It’s not that he’s blowing you off, or that he didn’t care about you, it’s just that the two of you never really talked about it. So it seems like all of a sudden the two of you are 180 degrees apart, when actually it may have been that way from the start.

If you truly don’t want to have any regrets you need to talk to him more. Don’t pretend this doesn’t bother you when it does. And don’t try to be cool. You won’t get what you want from life by being cool. You will get what you want by speaking up and going for it. It’s obvious you’re into this guy, so tell him what you really want. What’s the worst that could happen? He moves to Canada without you like he was going to do anyway.

We know this is hard Blake, but that’s what we think you should do. At least you’ll get the answer you’re looking for. And you know what? It’s possible after talking to him, something might develop. You won’t know until you go for it 100%.

Good luck. We wish you well.

Take care,

THE GUYS

6 Comments on Did he ever care at all?

  1. Dear Guys,

    I briefly dated this guy for about 8 months. But we instantly hit it off, and we’re pretty much dead-on on so many things. We can have serious debates on world affairs or can laugh about stupid stuff like Robin Sparkles or Barney Stinson. OUr families have always been friends so it made it easier and complicated all the same. Anyways, it was a LDR. And as much as the distance was a challenge, he indicated (MANY TIMES) that he loves me, he sees a future with me, I am his ideal girl etc etc. But out of the blue (right after attending his friend’s bachelor party), he was all suit up for war and broke up with me, four days before my bestfriend’s wedding, where I was the Maid-of-Honour, and he was my date. He said he thought he was ready, but he’s not. Barely a month, he’s already hooking up with a blonde babe at some get away. I don’t know what to think.

    Thanks,
    Betrayed and Fooled…

  2. @Rachel…….What to think? We’d say he’s not the guy for you. That seems pretty clear. And who knows what was going on the time you were together? Long distance relationships require a lot of trust. Based on his actions, we wonder how trustworthy he actually was. Because, the break up may have seemed sudden to you, but we can assure you that he was thinking about it for a long time. Which also means he was probably talking to “blonde babe” before the break up as well. (And who knows who else.) We’re really sorry, but consider yourself lucky to have gotten out now. We cringe to think what it might have been like if you were engaged, or married. In conclusion, the only thing you should think, is that it didn’t work out. Don’t let your ego, or insecurity color this. This happens to a lot of very smart and attractive people. Who knows what’s really going on in his mind? You need to focus on what’s going on in your mind. We understand you feel sad and angry, but think of this as an opportunity to be open to meeting someone new. Thoughts? ps. Please share our site with your friends. Share us on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, Pinterest, or wherever you frequent. Thanks. We’d appreciate it!

  3. Hey, I’ve been friends with this guy for 9 years, but I’ve loved him all those nine years. He knows that I like him, but I recently told him that I loved him. He moved away last year and I haven’t seen him since. I have written him a few letters, but he hasn’t responded to me. Before I wrote the letters tho, he wrote me a note saying that he has liked me for 8 years but he would never see me again.
    He used to always stare at me for longest times, and when I would wrestle with him(yes we wrestled) he was always careful not to hurt me, but put me in my place. He would tease me a lot, but when I was hurt he would comfort me and feel terrible. We used to talk all the time, and he would share many secrets with me.
    So what do you think? Are we over? Is there hope?

    Thanks,
    Tempest Green

  4. @Tempest….How old are you? Him? How far away did he move?

  5. Hi this will be a lot but here goes I’m afghan and this is about my first crush, so I used to have a crush on a guy in year 4 now I’m in year 12 and he just left my school. He was the same nationality as me and so I felt familiar and comfortable around him because we shared slightly similar yet still different identities as we grew up through primary and high school. I don’t know how to begin. Getting straight to the point. Nothing was official like I said earlier nothing more than a one way crush well that’s what I think at least, whom I liked in year four and obsessed over him in years 5,6 and off during high school but I guess I subconsciously still thought about him and mentioned him, so it was hard to get over it because he was there keep in mind he was the first I liked from my nationality, I thought Id never get through the hurt but we all learn the hard way. Year 2 I liked him a lot all my friends new and id tell them and I don’t know if he ever found out like I hoped he would. Anyways, I felt like we clashed a lot but I liked the whole drama of liking someone then. I feel stupid and angry now. We had usual conversations. But since I was shy than most of the flirty girls around him I had less of his attention, but I didn’t want to compete for his attention. I didn’t hate this one girl I was jealous of because they’d flirted a lot for a long time but I still got along with her. Anyways, I guess you can say these topics were less of my area of comfort, I was studious and a good girl which I still am very resilient. For me till this day I think I haven’t healed fully but I did enough to do burn outs to get through it. It would help if you can tell me how I can forget and reduce this if it was to occur again at least in my head, because I’m not sure about having the courage to ask them. I guess I feel Sad that I let someone have so much worth only to leave memories that make me feel cringe and feel hurt and cry only this rarely though. I can give memoirs but don’t know if its enough. How can you be sire he likes you? He initiated conversation like sometimes. And I would as well sometimes. But get butterflies every tome id see him. Aghhh this is pain. Anyways, In year 4 I spread a Chinese whisper that him and the girl I felt had most of his attention (he was the popular guy not as much of a jerk but annoying sometimes maybe I’m biased I guess I had him on a pedestal) that they were boyfriend and girlfriend makes me laugh and cringe to this day (I have my determined moments) well my intention was to share my feelings of hurt and curiousness but as humour. 🙁 this turned awkward soon as he found me by the end of lunch that day and confront me this happened that snack on that day. He made me understand that it wasn’t true there was nothing going on and for me to say sorry to the girl. My intention wasn’t that of course that would of been beyond my intelligence then but I just knew he wasn’t allowed to date I guess but wanted to know if there was anything I was so emotionally numb I just said sorry and was scared, embarrassed and ashamed I meant it as a joke didn’t think someone would go tell and it would end in an awkward confrontation. I told him I didn’t know why I said it. Its so confusing even now. Cringe. Except I found out that 4 years later apparently he asked her out but I never followed up on it I guess I’m in denial but it did happen from what I heard. I pretended to be cool. By this time which was in year 9 I was over my obsession but I was shy in front of him like I wanted src a leadership position but since we had to give a speech while his class was there to get in, I didn’t do it. I hated him for making me feel like that, and I feel like he hated me sometimes as well I don’t blame him. A year later like id wished in year 5 to be in his class one time and hopeful, to prove I’m like the best person ever that ego was hurt after all anyway, in year 7&8 I was in his class but I was very determined in my studies I didn’t really care that he was there. I was busy and I promised to study hard it would be the only way I can completely forget what happened with me feeling let down by him and build my confidence at school this time nothing would make me fell hopeless again. I was doing really well it was my year, I loved my self and life. One day in class I remember he got in an argument with a guy he teased him about his sexuality by calling him gay which he was t but he reacted to, but he only came out gay a year after, so he was offended anyways the guy was ready to punch him someone who I couldn’t see get hurt because I cared, okay so this offended guy was a bit violent recently he had a phase and it was a bad timing, so I reacted and told the guy I cared for to “don’t do it” I don’t even know what I meant. I guess to distract him from getting aggressive which would only worsen the situation that other guy was ready to punch. Nothing happened then but two weeks later I guess it was that boy who ended up getting into a fight with another boy I didn’t know neither well in that same class which he almost fought in, which me and this guy I knew made sudden eye contact, coincidence but it was a foreshadow. When I told my friend they were surprised I did something like that when I met them and told them but I denied that it was coz I liked him, I was concerned about the trouble the teacher would have to go, which was also true but also I didn’t want him to get hurt. We talked about it after school and I told him I did that because I knew that would of fought and that he was stupid for reacting but that it wasn’t his fault because I didn’t see a reason for him to get offended and raise the voice he could of done it a better way. But I said I just didn’t want to see a fight that’s all. I don’t know why I felt responsible to stand up for him. Okay so I did care maybe I dont know. I was just as confused about him and I didn’t want him to get hurt because that guy was towering over him and in his face. I don’t know how he took it but from what he told he was just confused. I should have stayed out I don’t know. Ive written so much hope you made it till the end. I don’t know why I feel like I’m never going get through this but I’m trying to forget him and heal. Please help me understand anything I don’t know it would help. I feel like every guy the same nationality as me I meet I just don’t do or say much to give away but I do feel greatly. I went through this recently during year 10 semester two with another afghan guy. It doesn’t make sense to me. Like I don’t actually know these people but I have strong feelings towards them for reasons I don’t know and I hurt myself by saying and seeing it affect my grades as I don’t understand what’s happening but I obsess about it and sometimes even make conclusions that may not be true. This is my first time opening up fully about this matter hope I’ve evaluated it right. Can you help me understand him through a guys perspective? Did I like him really?

  6. @Nelly……We’d like to help, but with the number of comments we get we can’t handle a question as long and as in-depth as yours here in the comments section. If you’d like our opinion, or want to have a conversation we recommend you choose the Ask a Private Question option on our site and follow the steps. (You can just copy/paste your question from here to there.) Yes, there’s a fee, so read the testimonials on our Relationship Coaching/Advice page to see what clients say about us. You take care.

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