So I just recently got out of a year-long relationship with a guy who was completely emotionally unavailable. I wasn’t happy, he wasn’t happy, so it was a smooth break. My sister then suggested online dating. I made a profile and within the first hour started talking to a really great guy! We met a few days later, then a day after that he introduced me to his friends! We’ve been “dating” for the past three weeks. We’ve seen each other about 2-3 times a week. I’ve met his parents, and things are going great!
A few days ago we had sex, then again last night. We’ve discussed potentially dating in the future, and he disclosed that prior to all of his relationships he and his previous girlfriends had sex before he committed to a relationship. Sex is big to me, I attach instantly after giving my body to someone. I’ve been noticing myself getting needy, checking his social media constantly and getting jealous. I’m working on my insecurities but how will I know if/when he wants to really commit to a relationship with me? Now that we’ve had sex does he even want to? How do I know if he’s talking to/having sex with other females? And how do I ensure this relationship does not just turn into a booty call/friends with benefits?
Thanks for your question.
We understand your dilemma. It’s an issue that arises at the beginning of many relationships. Should I have sex with him before I know where we stand? How will things change if/when I do? Will this make us a couple? If not, when can we have the talk about defining the relationship?
Some men, like to have sex before they commit. (Clearly, your man is one of these.) It’s a way to gauge compatibility in the bedroom—does she have a similar sex drive and interests? We’re not saying that women have to go along with this, but it is the way some men operate. Of course, we believe that most couples can be compatible if both parties are open and engaged and willing to work at it. (If you can call it work!)
Important note: Yes, there are some men who talk the talk just so they can have sex, but never plan on committing. We thought this worth mentioning, even though it may not pertain to you.
The reason you’re feeling more insecure now is because the balance of power has shifted in his favor. Even in the best relationships, one person is usually a bit more dominant than the other. This can happen in any social setting. Work. School. Home. As long as the dominant person doesn’t take advantage of his/her position, and the less dominant person, is able to stand up for themselves if need be, it works out just fine. In general, it’s about mutual respect and consideration.
We understand that there’s a lot of pressure these days to have sex quickly, but it’s our recommendation that having sex and defining the relationship should happen somewhat concurrently. Both parties should know what they’re getting into. A casual fling, a FWB, or something more serious. It’s the not knowing that’s so difficult and unnerving.
That said, you’ve only been dating three weeks, and it’s too soon to tell how this is going to play out. But now that you’ve had sex, it’s not too soon to get the conversation started about the future. We’re not saying direct questions and heavy pressure, but you can drop hints here and there. Ask basic questions: Where do you see yourself in a year? Do you have plans to stay in the area? Maybe, even try to see if he wants a family someday. Try to keep it casual and see if he’ll open up to you. And observe him as much as possible. With his family. Friends. How does he treat other people? Waitstaff. Cashiers. What you’re doing is gathering info, which might help you figure out how you want to proceed.
Our advice to you would be to have a definite timeline in your head. If you’re having fun with him, then see how it goes, and enjoy getting to know him. But keep in mind that this should not go on indefinitely. However, we think it’s only fair to you, that he tell you whether or not he’s sleeping with other people. Waiting on a commitment is one thing, but putting yourself at risk—physically, and yes, emotionally— is quite another. He owes you at least that much. And if he gets edgy or irritated about you asking, well, that’s information in and of itself.
Let us know if you have any other questions. (You might need to use the form on our site again until our relaunch when comments will be working.)
Check out some of these other dating questions: Relationship Advice/Dating Advice