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Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

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Confused by my marine

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Soon to be mom

How to start a long distance relationship?

Is this boy playing me?

He’s back, but is he into me?

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Long distance relationship: conflicted

Prom

Deleting Friendship on Facebook

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Dear Guys,

I was involved with a guy for one year and a month. We are both 19 years old. I broke up with him a few days ago because I love him deeply but he doesn’t love me that way. I wanted a commitment but he doesn’t.

The last few months he kept saying that he is having doubts about “us.” Then he started saying he was too busy with school and work, and that his feelings weren’t there and they would never change.

This all hit me very hard because I gave everything to this guy; I loved him deeply with my all. I just couldn’t take it. We were best friends and could talk about everything. He was saying things like how much of an angel I was to him, etc. So I thought that we were heading somewhere, but apparently he didn’t wanted that at all in the first place I guess.

He started saying he couldn’t promise me anything, and that we’ll see where it goes.

So I broke up with him because I couldn’t live with the insecurity anymore. And also because I deserve someone who wants to fully commit to me and fight for me just as hard as I’m willing to fight. So I left and he agreed with it. I just had enough of the hurt and sadness.

It now has been a few days after breaking up and I miss him really badly. But I deleted him everywhere, so I now have no contact. However I’m really longing to see him or hear from him, but since I was the one who put an end to it I won’t contact him.
All off my friends are telling me that he will now realize what he lost and contact me. And that it is his loss.  But how will he realize what he lost if he didn’t realize what he had in the first place? Is there something I can do to make that happen?

Will he ever see and realize what he lost? I still love this guy so much. I just wish that he allowed me to let me in to his heart, to just love him and love me back. It hurt because I did nothing wrong, I just feel not good enough .. I’m very sad. It is SO hard.

What can I do to trigger him in some kind of way to make him realize, to make him miss me even when he probably won’t. I’m just so scared that he will move on as well if I don’t contact him and that he will forget about me totally. He is so stubborn. It is really hard, and this situation seems impossible to turn out right.

Hope you guys will help

Nery

Dear Nery,

Thanks for writing to us.

First of all we’re really sorry you’re in so much pain. Breaking up is very difficult, and we can see how hard this has been on you.

The good news is you didn’t do the wrong thing by breaking up with him. Unrequited love is not the kind of love you’re looking for. Just like you said, you want someone who will give you as much as you’re giving them. You want someone to love you with everything they have, not put up barriers, and place restrictions on the relationship.

So if you know what you want out a relationship then ask yourself what you were getting from this guy. We know that love is difficult to define, and often people don’t have any idea why they love someone; they just do. But let’s move from the heart to the head for a moment and take a hard look at this. What were you getting from the relationship?

How about: mixed signals, excuses, inconsistent behavior on his end. And: insecurity and self-doubt on your end. Not the greatest foundation for a trusting and loving relationship.

So let’s go back to the heart now. You’re in pain and you want to try and make him see how great you are. You want to make him see what he’s missing. And your friends are supporting this. (Good for them. They should have your back.) But you know deep down this isn’t going to work. He hasn’t to come to that realization himself, and based on what you say about him, he doesn’t seem reflective enough to realize it now that you’re broken up. And the other possibility is that he just isn’t into you the way you want him to be. Yes, he may have said those sweet things to you, but without consistent action to back them up, those words are hollow, or even worse could have been used to get what he needed from you.

We don’t like delivering bad news, and this is just our opinion, but we think you have to accept that this is over. It’s natural to be in a lot of pain, and we think it’s okay to let yourself grieve over this. Surround yourself with people who care about you—your friends seem like great candidates–and talk about it as much as you can.

We promise in time the hurt will lessen. And when it does, you’ll have a much better sense of what you want out of a relationship, and what to look for in the next guy.

Until then, take care.

THE GUYS

ps. Be sure to let your friends know about us.

 

19 Comments on Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

  1. The Guys are right. You can’t make a guy think the way you want him to think. And you were right not to accept a “partial” relationship.

    Who knows, maybe the best way for him to see you in another light is for him to see you out there having fun without him. Like I often say, “living well is the best revenge.”

    Good luck!

  2. Yupp. I agree with The Guys. It hurts like hell right now, but it will hurt less and less as time goes by. It’s going to hurt a lot more to get entangled with him again when you know how it’s going to end up: With another broken heart. He clearly isn’t as into you as you are into him, he showed that by agreeing with you when you broke up with him. Let it go. It’s hard to do (I know, I’ve so been there) but in the end, you’ll be happier for it.

  3. carabucott // June 11, 2012 at 5:55 pm //

    Hey guys ! Just wanted to share my experience and get your input because I have been feeling really down lately.

    Dated a girl for 2 years. Things were great between us at first, we moved in together and had plans to make a life together.

    But I guess all the arguments ended up taking a toll on our relationship. At first, we used to argue so much, it was crazy. A year in our relationship, we separated and got back together after 3 weeks. She was the one to initiate the break, but she later said she realized I am the one for her, she was miserable without me and all. So, we got back together. For the following months, we barely fought ( we use to fight so much that arguing once in a while felt like not fighting at all!). Yet, I was already feeling that something was missing. Nonetheless, we kept doing our thing. I was hoping my doubts would ease with time.

    Few months later, we got into an argument, and in the heat of the moment I broke up with her. I was very stressed out by school ( grad school) and I guess It weighted on my decision. That night she refused to tell anyone it was over and kept talking me into getting back together. After giving it some thoughts, I decided not to go through with the breakup.

    I later found out that when she was trying to convince me that we were both just under stress and we should not breakup, she also signed up on dating sites. When I asked her about it, she broke into tears and told me that she just felt worthless as we were talking about the breakup and wanted to see if she was still attractive. She wanted to see if anyone would wink at her, but she was not thinking of doing anything. However, this reinforced my feelings that she was also trying to stay with me because she was just afraid of not finding someone after. I had the feeling she was not really in love with me, but just with the idea of companionship.

    She knew that my feelings were not what they used to be, but said we could work on that and take it slow.

    A month later, I was studying my butt off for my finals, when she came to me. She wanted to talk about my feelings. SO I told her how I felt, and how things were not getting back to what they used to be. She was understandably upset and decided that she wanted to go somewhere else for a little while to give me some room to think. I wanted to stop her from leaving, but never found the strength to do so. She left, and we kept in contact. I felt like I could not make up my mind and decided few days after, it would probably be best to let her go. When we talked, she said she understood, and said she appreciated the fact I was honest about my feelings.

    A week later, I found out she was back on dating sites, seeing people and was already being intimate with someone. Needless to say, it crushed me. I understand that we were not together anymore and she was free to do as she pleased. However, I felt like our time together truly never meant anything to her.

    The sad thing is, I was starting to miss her a lot and was going to talk to her. I was determined to discuss things with her, and was thinking about taking things to the next level, had we decided to get back together for good.

    Even though I was the one to break up with her, I still did care about her. I wasn’t even thinking about dating someone else or having no strings attached sex.

    I still miss her a lot and have been feeling quite down lately. She was like my best friend. She asked me once if there was a chance we could get back together. However,I feel like getting back together wouldn’t do us any good, given what I know.

    I’m so down right now. I wanted to get your input on the situation. What does it all mean ?was this her way of exact revenge ? why does she ask me if there is a chance to get back together, even though she knows I know about what she did?

  4. @Carabucott…….Thanks for sharing your experience. We’re sorry you’re feeling down. Hopefully we can help a little. We actually see this very differently. The fact that she immediately got on some dating sites was her reaction to you breaking up. Or we should say, her way of making herself feel better because she was so sad and down about the breakup. It’s similar to eating chocolate or binging on sweets when you’re feeling down. It’s a temporary relief. But that’s all it is. In fact, once she stops dating this person—or people—and realizes what she’s done she’s going to feel worse, which is the problem with binging in general. You may be onto something when you say she was in love with companionship. We don’t know her personally, but immediately turning to other men for affirmation shows a possible self-esteem issue. And that’s what you may be feeling but not articulating. This does not mean she’s someone you should forget about, but it’s something she needs to work on herself, if she in fact realizes it. What do you think? Is it possible? This relationship of yours is not over. The two of you are connected, and it’s obvious you both care about each other even though you both made mistakes or have hurt each other. You may feel betrayed, but she didn’t cheat on you. Remember that. Your ego is hurting and we understand that, but keep the big picture in mind when you speak with her again. And what is that? That you still have feelings for her. The two of you need to talk to one another and get some real honest dialogue going here. We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. And feel free to ask us a follow up question. Also, you might enjoy our Relationship Memoirs page, especially the Introduction and first two chapters of Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” (For more insights about women.) Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  5. carabucott // June 12, 2012 at 11:20 am //

    Thank you for your input. I think you are right about the self esteem issue, and that is probably the reason why I felt like she kept clinging to our relationship not because she was truly in love with me, but because she was scarred of losing the companionship and not finding anyone else.

    Having said that, I wonder if getting back together would do us any good. I feel like I can’t trust her anymore. I understand that everyone deals with pain in his/her own way. However, I do not think I would be able to put up with someone who might seek affirmation somewhere else every time the going gets tough for the rest of my life!A relationship is hard work ! things go south quite often. How can we make a life together when the trust is gone, when you can’t say for sure that your significant other truly loves you and will be there for you during bad times?
    That is probably the main reason I haven’t talked to her about getting back together.

    I feel like my judgment might be clouded at the moment because I was so used to living with her, that I feel like I need her in my life. There are days when I feel like I don’t really need her , I will be fine without her. But then again, there are days when I just feel lonely. Maybe it is normal to feel this way. It’s just been a month since we split up.

    It would suck to get back with her, only to realize this would not work. Like you said, we have both made some mistakes and hurt each other, and I worry that we may start resenting each other if we get back together. I am just so confused right now. Should I wait few more months to sort through my feelings before doing anything I could later regret ?

    she also says she wants to hear from me, but when I text her she takes forever to reply, or just use short sentences, like she doesn’t want to talk. But then again, there are days when she seems like she wants to know about how I am doing. I’m so confused. Should I just go no contact for a while ?

  6. @Carabucott……The fact that you’re processing all of your feelings and thoughts is the first step to figuring this out. But we think time will tell. Yes, it’s too soon for you to decide whether you should get back together with her, or at least try to get back with her. On the other hand, it might be too soon to give up entirely BECAUSE you’re conflicted. Why don’t you lie low for awhile and see if she takes some initiative? And then see how you feel. Who knows what she’s up to anyway. You’re assuming she’s waiting around for you too. Maybe she’s moving on, in which case, your answer will be easy. And this is how big decisions work. When they’re really difficult sometimes the timing isn’t right. When everything falls into place it’s much easier to make these types of calls. Hang in there and give it some time. ps. It’s very normal to feel lonely. That doesn’t mean you should get back together with her. Loneliness is just loneliness. You lost your best friend and companion. That’s always hard.

  7. carabucott // June 12, 2012 at 2:53 pm //

    I guess you’re right, i will have to wait. You previously suggested that she and I were still connected. How could that be since she was already intimate with people just a week after the breakup ? and does that mean she moved on?

  8. @Carabucott…..You still have an emotional connection even if she’s behaving the way she is. We still think this is her way of coping. Give it some time. She may end up contacting you again, but if she doesn’t, give it a month and then check in with her. Or if you can’t wait that long, then at least 2 more weeks.

  9. carabucott // June 15, 2012 at 1:16 pm //

    I guess I just have to wait and sort out my thoughts and feelings. I will keep you posted. Thank you ! you guys rock!

  10. @Carabucott……..You’re welcome. Good luck. And yes, keep us posted.

  11. I am just so confused and really need someone other than my own head. Me and my best friend who was my ex-boyfriend he also tuck my virginity end up sleeping with each other after 7-8 years of friendship. We have been in and out of our friendship boyfriend/girlfriend issues either someone he’s dating or I date don’t like us hanging out being friends so we lose connection to each other every so often so you can say we are friends but, there is a lot we don’t know about each other anymore.
    Before we ended up doing something so natural and loving we were in the truck and I was venting like I always do going on talking about my new ex-boyfriend and how his brake up with me was so weird…. Then somehow he asked me why we never worked? He has asked me this question a lot in our friendship…… long as I can recall…. I tell him the same thing “I was young and dumb a childhood sweet heart came back to town and I had conflicting emotions so I left” I never told him that I cried a LOT after I left him. We were young just 16….. I was so young to even know the concept of love.
    After I told him the same story for the 100 time…. I was like you ask me this all the time and he was like I do? I just want to fix what I messed up. I told him it was me it was NEVER you it was all me. He was like I know and I was like why ask me then? Well I try and have relationships with other girls but they keep telling me that I’m not the dating TYPE whatever that means. I was like they just want to sleep with you then we put on a movie.
    Nothing harmful but he kept touching my HOT spots… driving me crazy I had not been with someone for 2 years in a sexual way and something came over me and I kissed him….. I was so afraid after I kissed him and all he said was “Well then” I was so sorry… and I told him over again and he was like I was not expecting that and all I could say was sorry..
    We end up driving to his house since, I had to use the restroom (my thing before sex) he got me so hot that I had to pee. He and I went to his room got on his bed as we finish the movie we had on in the truck. As we are snuggled in the bed him holding me and I laying on him not getting that kiss out of my head and I was like I want to sleep with you so bad (he was touching my hot spots even more) told me he did not notice…. And I was like this is not fair… and then we end up sleeping together he wanted me to stay the night and I felt so confused and I said no I need to go home.
    That night I was unable to get him out of my head and still can’t……….. NEVER had this issue with him, he my friend and yes he is my ex-boyfriend but he’s my best friend. The next day I was like Hey we need to talk about what happened…. He was like ok babe (calls all girls babe) we talked about it and I was like what happened he was like I don’t know but I was confused about how it happened last night and I was like me toooooooo. So what do we do about this I just got out of a 4 year relationship(it’s been 4 mouths now no I’m not hurt ) and his thing is he’s not financially stable for a relationship he wants to get his stuff together. I don’t want to be in a relationship due to I’m sick of being the one slept on and not getting slept with. So we have become friends with benefits due to us not being ready or wanting a relationship.
    We have now slept together twice now but I can’t get this gut feeling like we are meant to do this like I feel like one or both of us want to explore the option of seeing if it can work? I have tried to confront him about his motive in this and he was like I don’t know and I KNOW ITS LOAD OF BS! I want to feel something and not feel alone but, also now I think I want to explore it again we are not 16 anymore… he feels we are soo different but I have changed a lot… I don’t cry as much as I did when I was 16 that’s for dang sure I have loved and lost as he has death has taken people in our life’s his happened before we dated and mine after we dated.
    (WE did say if someone starts loving the person that we need to be truthful about our feelings and if we want to explore a relationship it might happen or our sexual friendship will just end and stay friends. Both of us have had shit luck with relationships after I left him.)
    My question is… is he trying to hide that he has more feelings for me then he’s leading on? Or does he want to feel not alone anymore knowing I care about him but don’t “Love him” I did love him in the past but I just care about him now I know somewhere down this path I will love him again.

  12. @Qi…..We’re confused a bit. We’ll lay it out the way we understand it. Please correct us if we’re wrong……The two of your were best friends back when you were younger Then you slept with him and lost your virginity. After that both of you dated and had relationships for a while. But you still stayed friends throughout that time. Now you’re back to hanging out and also sleeping together, but with no talk of an actual relationship. You’re in a Friends with Benefits arrangement. Is that right? A few questions: How old are both of you now? Do you want something more with him, like a committed relationship? Why exactly did you agree to a Friends with Benefits situation? Were you hoping it might lead to more? (Did you watch our video on the topic? It might help you understand a few things. Go to our Video Advice page.) Does he ever talk about being in a relationship with you? Please fill us in and we’ll respond with some more thoughts. Thanks. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  13. @one of the guys, Yes we were best friends before we dated when we started to date I lost my virginity to him but I was dating him when I lost it and I left him due to conflicting feelings. We both have now dated/slept with other people the people we’d date they did not like him and I hanging out so we lose contact a lot in our friendship but he is my best friend. We have had talk about FWB we talked about if someone gets feelings we end it or try a relationship but, even he was like we might not even work as a relationship due to we are too different. His example of too different “don’t play the same music and music is a big part of his life” but he don’t know what I play as music we been so disconnected for 4 years of that 7-8 years of friendship I have changed a lot. I feel like there is more and he just don’t want to tell me he was like if you EVER need me I will always be there for you so his words feel so conflicted to me like there is more to it then dumb ass music. We both are 23 when we dated I was 16 left him around this time of the year to makes this that much weirder. I don’t know if I am ready for a relationship yeah if it comes down the road I will jump on that bus and go with the ride.
    The FWB ahh man I was the one to bring it up I said we can’t just forget we slept together and I was like do we walk away from a 7-8 year friendship? He was like I don’t know babe or should we be FWB he seemed ok with it I think we both are lonely but deep down I feel like it’s something more with him since he ALWAYS asked me why we break up so is he hung up on me?
    I have read other stuff on the FWB subject just don’t feel it fits in our situation since, there is more to our relationship then just friendship we been bf/gf before so I feel it makes this more complex than it needs to be All I want to know is he wanting more I don’t want to hurt him again I do care about him and love him but don’t love him in as a boyfriend.

  14. @Qi…..If what you say is true—that you don’t love him as a boyfriend—then the two of you are actually on the same page. Because his excuse about your musical tastes is just an excuse. A lame one in fact. Because if you have nothing in common than how can you be such good friends? That doesn’t really make sense does it? So are you really such great friends as you think, or are you both filling a void for the other? (Something to think about.) Sure, he cares about you a lot, but we don’t get the sense he sees you as his future girlfriend. And if this is true, then we think this FWB arrangement you’ve got going is not helping either of you. It’s keeping you both in a holding pattern. Your thoughts?

  15. Have I made a mistake? I’ve been hanging out with this guy, let’s call him Eddie, for the last year or so as friends, so no hand holding, or sexual contact whatsoever. I’m 42 and he’s 58. I look young for my age and he looks about his or younger. He is also very active, healthy and young at heart. He pursued me heavily but I was reluctant to advance to anything more than just friends because of the age difference. ie. What would people think? When I looked at him I thought of him more as grandfatherly. I just couldn’t get passed it. But, we share core values, religious beliefs, interests, and humor. He’s one of the best dad’s I’ve ever met, and he can take charge of a situation when I needed him to. I could never see him being unfaithful and he loved me, unconditionally, with all my flaws.

    One day he wrote me an email about us and about how the time we spend together has been phenomenal and about how I make him want to be a better person when he is with me. I feel the same with him about wanting to be a better person when I am with him. He also wrote, however that he’s wanting more in his life. He didn’t say it out-write but I could tell that if things didn’t progress that he was considering moving on.

    So, I decided I should try to date him so I wouldn’t have any regrets should he decide to move on. I hadn’t dated anyone that whole year prior to dating him because I didn’t want to hurt him and quite frankly, no one else measured up.

    We dated for 2 weeks. The first week my feelings were growing, but I was still hesitant. One night we made out, came close but didn’t have sex. After that my feelings started to decline again back to the friendship stage. I’m not sure why other than I felt as though he was too old for me and I kept thinking everyone else probably thought so too. One night at a party one guy came up and asked if I were his daughter. That was the last straw and I told him I wanted to be just friends again. He told me that he could tell I wasn’t feeling it and that he didn’t want a roller-coaster of emotions with breaking up getting back together, etc. I told him I was sure I wanted to be friends. That I wasn’t feeling what he was feeling and that I wasn’t thinking about him/missing him when he wasn’t around. I was not wanting to be in situations where I’d be alone with him because I knew he would want to be together physically (not just sex) and I wasn’t feeling it.

    He told me that if that’s what I wanted then he needed space from me to heal and to meet someone new.

    It’s been 4 days and I have been miserable. I want my friend back. I want him back. A couple of friends told me that they didn’t think we looked odd together because of our ages and I wished they’d said so earlier, because it’s changed how I think of him. I want to give him another chance but I don’t want to hurt him again if I change my mind again. I’m not sure what to do… Please help because this has been torture for me not having him in my life and thinking I’ve made the worst decision of my life.

  16. Have I made a mistake? I’ve been hanging out with this guy, let’s call him Eddie, for the last year or so as friends, so no hand holding, or sexual contact whatsoever. I’m 42 and he’s 58. I look young for my age and he looks about his or younger. He is also very active, healthy and young at heart. He pursued me heavily but I was reluctant to advance to anything more than just friends because of the age difference. ie. What would people think? When I looked at him I thought of him more as grandfatherly. I just couldn’t get passed it. But, we share core values, religious beliefs, interests, and humor. He’s one of the best dad’s I’ve ever met, and he can take charge of a situation when I needed him to. I could never see him being unfaithful and he loved me, unconditionally, with all my flaws. One day he wrote me an email about us and about how the time we spend together has been phenomenal and about how I make him want to be a better person when he is with me. I feel the same with him about wanting to be a better person when I am with him. He also wrote, however that he’s wanting more in his life. He didn’t say it out-write but I could tell that if things didn’t progress that he was considering moving on. So, I decided I should try to date him so I wouldn’t have any regrets should he decide to move on. I hadn’t dated anyone that whole year prior to dating him because I didn’t want to hurt him and quite frankly, no one else measured up. We dated for 2 weeks. The first week my feelings were growing, but I was still hesitant. One night we made out, came close but didn’t have sex. After that my feelings started to decline again back to the friendship stage. I’m not sure why other than I felt as though he was too old for me and I kept thinking everyone else probably thought so too. One night at a party one guy came up and asked if I were his daughter. That was the last straw and I told him I wanted to be just friends again. He told me that he could tell I wasn’t feeling it and that he didn’t want a roller-coaster of emotions with breaking up getting back together, etc. I told him I was sure I wanted to be friends. That I wasn’t feeling what he was feeling and that I wasn’t thinking about him/missing him when he wasn’t around. I was not wanting to be in situations where I’d be alone with him because I knew he would want to be together physically (not just sex) and I wasn’t feeling it. He told me that if that’s what I wanted then he needed space from me to heal and to meet someone new. It’s been 4 days and I have been miserable. I want my friend back. I want him back. A couple of friends told me that they didn’t think we looked odd together because of our ages and I wished they’d said so earlier, because it’s changed how I think of him. I want to give him another chance but I don’t want to hurt him again if I change my mind again. I’m not sure what to do… Please help because this has been torture for me not having him in my life and thinking I’ve made the worst decision of my life.

  17. @Sally…….We’re sorry. But remember, just because you’re feeling sad and lonely doesn’t mean you made a mistake. Most people feel that way in a break up. (Although some feel a sense of relief too.) You’re definitely fixating on the age piece of this. It’s just a number really, but you have to believe that. It’s one thing for your friends to say it it’s quite another to internalize it and be okay with it. You’re not, clearly. So is that the only thing or is that just an excuse for something else? Meaning, maybe you’re not physically attracted to him and you’re trying to force yourself to feel a certain way because he’s such a good guy and you have so much in common. But you know as well as we do that forcing anything usually ends in disaster. So those are the questions you need to ask yourself. And then answer honestly before you try again with this guy.

  18. Hi Guys. I would really want to hear your advice about my situation.
    I met my friend around a year ago, but we got very close since this January. We can talk about anything. We have this very weird connection between us. We are very similar, and have a lot of things in common, even the same pens and the same gum. We end up being in the same place without arranging or finish the sentence with the same words at the same time. I don’t know. Maybe those are just coincidences. I love him. Something in me says that he is my true love.

    At the beginning I thought he looks at me only as a friend. One day we were talking about our personal lives as friends. He told me that he has been single for around 5 years, he has concentrated on school, and he has been really hurt in his previous relationships, so his heart got hard and he stopped believing in love. I told him that I had never had a boyfriend (I have always been into school and books too much and never thought about being with anyone), and therefore, it’s obvious I have never even kissed anyone, and then I told him that I keep my virginity and I respect my body and will not let anyone close to me, the only person who I will let really close to me will be the one who I’ll really love and who will love and respect me. After this conversation a few days past, and he kind of changed, became closer to me, started telling about his life more, and then one day he said he wanted to kiss me. I asked him why he wanted to kiss me and whether knowing that nobody has ever touched me affected him and he sees it as a competition and would want to be the first one to kiss or touch me. He said he is attracted to me, therefore, he wants to kiss me, and that he doesn’t see it as a competition. He did kiss me. And I asked him what he wants from all this and from me. He said he doesn’t know yet, he just feels attracted to me, and he also said that he is not ready for relationship yet, however he would want to try and see what will happen (like a scientific experiment). We were going to be serious and not serious at the same time. We decided we will be very honest with each other and later if one of us decides to go back to being only friends, we will forget about everything and will be only friends. I agreed hoping that I might be able to help him forget the past and maybe he’d fall in love with me. Of course he knew I am going to keep my virginity, so he could not hope to have intercourse with me.

    We went out to the movies, and while we were talking he said that during the past 5 years he always thought he would not fall in love again, that he doesn’t need love, but then he met me, just like this, the way I was, he said then he thought what if he could love again, and he thought that I was an amazing person, and that it would be great to fall in love with me. He said he was not in love, but would really want to fall in love with me. At the end of that day we kissed again. Since I knew he was not really serious about me, I got scarred, I thought he would never become serious about me and when he gets tired of me, he will just say let’s go back to being friends. Since I love him, I knew it would hurt me a lot. The next time we went for a walk, he was trying to kiss me again, but I didn’t let him, and told him that even though I trust him a lot, I couldn’t keep thinking that it was just a game for him, and that I was scarred that I might fall in love with him and get hurt. By the way he doesn’t know I love him, I think he only thinks I am attracted to him. He said it’s not a game for him, and he totally understands how I feel because getting hurt is not a nice feeling, and he kept asking what he should do to make me believe it was not a game. I said I don’t know. At the end of the day he asked me to become his girlfriend. We decided to go with the flow and see what happens. We started talking more. We would still see each other almost everyday, but we also started texting all the time. We went to a concert together, where he hold me really close and kept kissing my cheeks (I didn’t let him kiss my lips). After the concert I told him I felt kind of weird and I think we should slow it down, because it was too fast for me, since around 15 days ago I was single and now it’s too much for me. He said he is sorry and that he got excited. After I told him that, he didn’t try to kiss me, though sometimes he touches my hand or the shoulders.
    But we kept texting a lot and seeing each other ever day (we go to the same school). During two of the text conversations he suggested that we should be really intimate (not have intercourse though)once the semester is over. At the beginning I thought he was kidding. Then I thought that he might be serious, so I said I wouldn’t let anyone see me without cloths or be that close to me if it was just for fun. I would need to make sure that the person loves and respects me and is very serious about me. And he said that guys are different. Whatever happens for them stays in the past unless they fall in love. After this conversation, he didn’t come to where we usually study. However, the next day he suggested over the phone to go to movies, but I was tired so I said another time. Then he didn’t text during the whole weekend. He works, but before he would always text, especially when he got home (well he is not a social person like me, so he might not have been in a good mood). I don’t know maybe those are just coincidences, but I got scarred that he just wanted to have fun with me, and after the text when he realized he might not get what he wanted, he decided he doesn’t need me. And I freaked out and got scarred, but at the same time I didn’t want to believe it, because he was my friend. So I decided to tell him to go back being only friends because of my fear of getting hurt. So on monday I asked him if he was ok if we went back to being only friends. He said ok, he said friendship is important, and maybe we can try in the future. However, I didn’t have the courage to explain at that moment why I made that kind of a decision. Once I got home I texted him that I got scarred that he might disappear once he got what he wanted from me because of the things he said to me, and that he will never become serious about me, and that also he might think I am an easy girl because he offered me to be so intimate with him that fast. But he said he never thought I was an easy girl, and he texted me that staff because I put my limits of keeping my virginity, and since he was my boyfriend and he liked me, he felt free to suggest it. And he said a few times he was really going serious with me and he already decided to forget his past and be happy, however, he thought that I made the decision of going back to being friends because of my family and he didn’t want to be an obstacle between me and my family (I’ll tell about my family in a moment). And he also said he wanted to really badly prove himself that he can satisfy and make a girl happy (it’s his fear, since he was single for so long and school stress has made him tired) (he told me about this before too, when we were only friends), he said so if I were to become his wife then he would know he could make me happy. That’s the reason he suggested me that.
    As far as my family, when I told my mom I wanted to date him, she was completely against it, she hasn’t met him and she doesn’t know him, her reason of being against it is because of our culture. She also thinks I might start ignoring school because of him. Me and him are from different countries, and the way my culture is we stick with our own nationality people. So this is the reason my mom is against and the rest of the family doesn’t now, though they would be against it too. However, I don’t care about the culture differences, I am really different from everyone else in my culture. Though my family is very important for me and I don’t want to hurt them, I could always date him behind my parents’ back, and when we got very serious and started maybe thinking about having a future together then I would make my family accept him.
    Well, now we are only friends, we see each other every day except the weekends, and instead of studying we talk and walk around in the evening, and I can feel that he wants to hug or kiss, but he doesn’t do it. He also stopped texting a lot once we went back to being friends.
    Now I don’t know if I did the right thing or not.
    All this huge story that I just wrote, from the first kiss until becoming friends happened in around a month. I am sorry for writing such a long story, I wanted to put down as much as possible so you get an idea about my whole situation. What would you advice me to do? What do you think his real intentions are? I know he is a very good guy, and he is my friend, but I fear of getting hurt, even though he says he wouldn’t want to hurt me, and he also says that he might fall in love or not fall in love with me. I understand that he doesn’t want me to expect too much from him just in case he doesn’t fall in love with me. Thanks for reading!

  19. @Ana…….What jumps out at us is the fact that he’s not sure how he feels about you. Meaning, he’s not in love with you. It’s true that love can take time to develop, but guys usually know right away what potential they see in a woman. We get the sense that he very much wants to be in love with you, but isn’t. It’s almost as if he’s trying to force it. You might wonder to yourself: Why does he want to kiss me then? Don’t confuse a guy’s physical advances with their emotional state. They are different. If a guy is somewhat attracted to a woman physically he’ll try to have sex with her even if he doesn’t want anything else. That’s what we think is going on. He sounds like a good guy, but even good guys have their needs. To answer your question: No, we don’t think you did the wrong thing. But just see how this goes. Stay friends and keep the communication open with him. And take care.

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