Distance is too much for him

Read our E-Report on Long Distance Relationships. 

Hi Guys,

I got chatting to a friend of a friend on Facebook and really hit it off with him. Things got very intense between us very quickly. A month later we met up for a date. (He is in the army and is based around 150 miles away from me at the moment.) The date went so well and we were excited to see each other again.

A few weeks later he came up to stay at my house and we had a wonderful weekend together. A few more wonderful weekends followed, full of passion and fun and no pressure. It all felt so right. We talked about everything. I completely understood and knew that he could be posted anywhere in the army. I told him that I was prepared to move and free myself up. I did not tell him that I was falling in love with him as I did not want to come across as too much.

Just this weekend when I was traveling to see him he phoned and said he could not wait to see me and would be so proud to be with me at the army ball. He said I was the only woman he had ever invited onto the camp and into his house too. I felt this was such a good sign. But I also caught sight of his phone when a text popped up from a woman from Plenty of Fish. I asked him casually about it and he said he had a profile still but he did not really use it anymore.

When I got home yesterday, still glowing from the weekend, I sent him a text asking if we were exclusive and he said he had feelings for me but the distance between where we live really bothered him and that it would not work. I was stunned after the way we have been so close. I said that I would not let it get in the way and that we should not stop dating just because of that and especially when we felt so much for each other. He said that I was so lovely and if it wasn’t for the distance it would work but that he was so sorry but the distance was too much of a problem. I am devastated.

What should I do now?

Kbee

Dear Kbee,

Sometimes the most difficult aspect of a breakup is not understanding why it happened. His distance excuse seems a bit convenient, a little too easy and clean. We don’t know him, but we do know guys. If he was totally in love with you, the distance would only be a minor deterrent.

So why did he break things off?

We suspect a combination of reasons. 1. Sounds like he was interested in seeing other women. (If he didn’t currently use Plenty of Fish that woman wouldn’t have contacted him.) 2. When you told him that you’d move for him, he realized that you were more into him than he was into you. 3. He knows he could be stationed somewhere far away and he didn’t want to get involved in something he had to untangle himself from.

However, those are all excuses, masking the truth, which is, he wasn’t into you enough to put the extra effort into the relationship. We’re really sorry to have to say that, but that’s how we see it.

You ask what you can do?

The truth is, nothing. The ball is in his court. If he has a change of heart he’ll contact you. However, if he does, make sure you have a talk with him about all the questions you have. Sometimes hormones will cause a guy to believe he made a mistake. We’d hate for you to reconcile just to hookup with him, only to have to start the healing process once again when he breaks it off for a second time.

We are truly sorry. Please let us know if you have any follow-up questions or comments. Please leave in the comments section below. (You must be Logged In to do so.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us.

Read More Relationship Advice and Dating Advice on dating military men.

 

16 Comments on Distance is too much for him

  1. Thanks for replying. I wish I didn’t feel so terrible. I have never felt this low. I keep playing round in my head how close we were. He also said to me that if he stayed with me he would have had to resign himself to the fact that he would never have children. (He is 34 and I am 43). I told him that I would be happy to have more children but he didn’t really reply.

  2. @Kbee…..If he sees children in his future, it’s possible this also had something to do with his decision, even though you said you’d be willing. We are truly very sorry. You take care of yourself.

  3. Hi guys, I’m a 25 year old lady, an Indian doctor who’s finished basic training, living in India. I met a 27 year old Indian engineer online who is doing his masters in Europe. This was a month ago and he was on a break and free to talk a lot. We really clicked and had crazy good chats and Skype. He’s back to work now and gone a bit quiet. He doesn’t see us together any time soon and he doesn’t want to get frustrated/ disappointed by expecting much or labelling our thing as a relationship. I may get to see him for the first time in person after a year but we’re already growing quiet within a month. It’s really fizzling! I’ve never met anyone like him and I can’t help but be a bit clingy and to hope for the best. We are a long distance flirtationship. I’m clearly the one more interested. I’m a die hard romantic willing to be patient and sweet but maybe I’m too available for him too. Are LDRs too hard for some guys? Also I don’t really know him as a person based on 1 month of chatting. I’m on an emotional roller coaster, please advise!

  4. Ok.. so this was our honest convo about 10 days ago.. but he grew pretty quiet again after that.
    Me: Hey.. I know we are just friends with benefits at best right now.. with a tiny hope of eventually becoming something more. But honestly, I sometimes feel like I’m speaking into a sound proof room where no sound comes back. I know I’m the more interested partner in this relationship but without sufficient feedback and replies my interest is declining too.. I know you’re busy, but I tell you.. you can’t always hope for a two way convo with us both online. Maybe you are naturally taciturn and don’t like texting in general. But with our time lag leaving eachother texts is the best way to go. I’d honestly love it even if u read my msgs only at the end of ur day n replied then.. even if I only see them when I wake up it still builds our connection. One year is a loooong time. I know we have potential and there’s definitely something good here, but I’m not mature enough to patiently wait for occasional messages and hold on. So please, try to communicate more or please be frank if you’re not that interested any more. Don’t just tell me what I want to hear. There’s the risk of ghosting online but I’m taking a risk here by being honest. I know your parents make time to talk but you have a 27 year long solid foundation. It’s a sturdy tree that doesn’t need too much tending. Our friendship is a delicate newly sprouted plant.. it needs a lot of TLC in the beginning! We’re both busy people.. Our mutual time window could easily be screwed by anything.. mostly you being caught up at work or me being exhausted and sleeping early.. slowing down our pace or taking a break and hitting each other up close to your visit next year may be options but I don’t like either.. One requires more maturity and the other seems shallow 😐
    Anyway.. let me know what you’re thinking.. whether we should break this off coz of practical difficulties or keep trying.. I’d miss u like hell and still text you all heart broken some nights if we did have to end this though.. Really wish we were physically near.. there would be so much less of this drama! However, if we do make it through this year somehow, we’d make a great couple 😘 This is me trying to be rational and unemotional, standing back and waiting for a ‘0’ or ‘1’. Your call..Neither of us has done this online relationship thingy before.. I don’t know any better than u but we need to communicate more in my opinion..

    Him: Wow! You’re probably the most mature person I’ve ever met. You’re right. My replies have been very slow. I’m having a tough time at work, and this being a new and sudden thing for me is not helping either.
    Factors like work, project duration, finances and family keep my mind racing all the time. And to be honest I’m not sure what the outcome of this relation would be. Had I been in India and able to meet you, this would have been much easier. But that’s not the case. And since I don’t know how this will end (or begin when we meet) I don’t like calling us a couple.
    When we say we are in a relation, it makes me want to reply to all your messages no matter what my situation. Don’t get me wrong. Me not replying is a phase. Sometimes I’ll be so free that the tables may turn and you’ll be at the receiving end of all my messages. But i don’t know when’s that.
    What scares me a bit is that, say we do happen and end up a couple. But our paths will be different for some years and all i see is long distance.
    I don’t know where I’m going with this much. To be honest may be coz I don’t know how to proceed. I’ll try replying in time to you. But for now lets not think of us a couple. Lets be friends open to other people for dating. If we click in the end well and good :) but it adds to my worry not knowing what our outcome may be.

    Thoughts guys?

  5. @Minu…..We understand you’re a romantic. And we get it. Solid connections are hard to find. So we understand that you want to hold on tight to someone you feel a strong connection with. However, your plan doesn’t seem realistic to us. Not, that this LDR can’t work or lead to something great, but the way you’re going about it is going to strangle it dead before it gets off the ground. He’s being more pragmatic. What he’s saying is this: “I see potential as well but the reality is, we don’t really know one another even if we’ve talked a ton. And if we try to label us a couple without ever having time together in person the relationship will never get off the ground. It’s too much pressure. So in order to actually give this a shot, let’s just be friends for now and get to know one another organically. And if things change where we can actually see one another, then we’ll see.” That makes sense to us. Not because we’re guys but because we think you’re putting too much pressure on getting some sort of guarantee from him, and he’s not ready to give it.

  6. Lol.. unfortunately even I can see this, quoting you “but the way you’re going about it is going to strangle it dead before it gets off the ground”. It’s so exciting to find a match even if it’s just online! Walking on air with butterflies in the tummy and the works. I’ve been too preoccupied with this for the last month doing almost nothing but work and text him (very unhealthy, I know). I’ve pretty much run myself dry and so I can maybe slow down now. I’m surprised he’s not blocked me though! 11 months atleast to go before he visits, if all goes well till then. Hopefully I can hold back and maintain this friendship. Thanks guys :)

  7. @Minu…….Good luck. We hope it works out for you. Keep us posted. ps. And please share our site with friends. Thanks.

  8. Well.. u did ask me to keep u posted.. here goes.. I just realized how unhealthily obsessed I was last month and so I sent him a thank you for tolerating it all.. you guys could have a read if you’re interested..
    Yo S.. I’d prefer to talk to u and hear ur voice live to say this.. but you’ll be in ur lab ryt nw.. so a message has to suffice for now.. and my sis is coming up to sleep over tonight so.. there goes my privacy too 😐 we have family visiting, so every1 are squashed n rearranged..
    So… what I wanted to say.. is Thank you.
    (This is a grateful and happy message, don’t freak out seeing its length n get tense in anticipation of some conflict 😉 chill babes..)

    I’ve been an absolute nut case this last month. And I thank you for putting up with it somehow and not blocking me. I got so clingy and co-dependant that it truly disgusts me now. Heck, I would have blocked me 😅.. you either have the patience of a saint (maybe you were slowly losing it though) or maybe I’m an interesting enough and horny friend that you thought is worth keeping around a while, or maybe you just didn’t care. I don’t know your motives for sticking around. Whatever. I’m just realizing how stupid I’ve been behaving this last month.. I focussed on u way too much n fell head over heels with u too prematurely. My work was a 100% well done at the hospital but besides that I did nothing but text you, to the point of ignoring and not caring about pretty much everything else. I had an idle mind from doing nothing and the Devil worked his magic making me fixate on u as the be-all and end-all of my young adulthood. I was fine when we were texting in the beginning but then somewhere along the way I lost it and I became a co dependant crazy obsessed woman. I’m sorry I did that to you 😓 it must have been so uncomfortable!
    I’m gonna re focus on other important things again.. getting in shape, studying, my dogs, my roses, baking, etc. I ignored EVERYTHING last month. I was absolutely BONKERS.
    So.. in conclusion.. The tl;dr version.. I dunno why you tolerated me n stuck around this last month, but thank you.. I appreciate it 😁😘
    – Affectionate regards,
    your hopefully- not- gonna- get- too -emotionally- attached- to- you- again and- freak -you- out -again- any- time -too- soon- friend.. Minu 😁😘
    P.s. I liberate you from any obligation to reply to this.. it would have been a convo on the phone.. now it’s just a long thank u note.. Ok.. ttyl 😉
    S: (immediately) Lol, I read this. Relax (he has his read status off on privacy ie. No blue ticks so I’d never really know if he read smthn unless he tells me)
    M: 😊👍 Glad u survived
    S: Lol

  9. @Minu…….So did he say anything more than LOL and Relax? How did he respond to your lengthy note?

  10. Unfortunately, no. He didn’t. But I’m gonna try not to read too much into that. He usually doesn’t text much except when he’s very free and not stressed.. or he’s horny :l That long one I posted from him earlier was his sole opus. This thank you note is more of closure for me. If he doesn’t come back, so be it.

  11. @Minu…..Ok. At least you said what you wanted to say. And, remember, a non-answer is not so dissimilar to an answer. You seem like you have a better handle on how invested he is or isn’t. Please continue to keep us posted if you’d like. Or if we can help in the future.

  12.  “At least you said what you wanted to say.” Yup.. his level of investment is a grey area to me too but I’d rather shove it under the rug and not deal with it for now.. or I may overanalyze and get sucked into another emotional hurricane. I don’t have much of a handle on the situation either. But thank u guys so much for listening! :)

  13. @Minu…..You’re welcome. Take care of yourself.

  14. @All the Women out THere…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  15. Hey guys.. I can’t believe that month actually happened! Kinda embarassing to see how obsessed n emotional I was! He texts like once in 2 weeks.. things are pretty much dead and I’m ok with that. Plenty of other fish in the sea :) and perhaps meeting him after a year isn’t a sane idea either! Thanks again for being a sounding board when I couldn’t have told anyone else! :)

  16. @Minu…..Well, we like your positive attitude! Glad you felt we were helpful. Ask a question anytime, or visit us and comment on other people’s questions. Your insights will be appreciated. And keep us posted about your dating/relationship life.

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