Distrust in a long distance military marriage

Other questions about dating in the military: 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

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Dear Guys,

My husband and I have been married for close to a year. We are both in the military and we are stationed at separate bases. For a long time we handled the long distance relationship well and we were very happy with each other even though we could only get together every couple of months.

My husband is a good man but I have been noticing lately that it doesn’t seem like he trusts me. It started a little bit before we got married and has gotten worse now that we have been apart for so long. My husband is nearly ten years my senior and was raised in a religious background that he doesn’t hold firmly to but that does influence his thought and ideals which I am beginning to notice are a bit different than my own.

I am very independent and with wild inclinations but not to the point where I would be unfaithful. My life has become quite solitary with our relationship and more so since I have began to notice his trust issues which started with him playing mind games to see if he could catch me in some kind of a lie. To add insult to injury he came and visited for the holidays and I introduced him to my best girlfriend with whom I spend a great deal of time as I can be very inclined not to go out and be social. And one morning at about 2am, he got up and drove to her house and started interrogating her about my activities in his absence. My friend confessed this to me after he had left and I have not brought it up with him as he has not mentioned it to me. My friend mentioned that he had asked her many questions about me and what we did together and that he would ask the same questions to her over and over in a different way trying to see if he could catch her lying.

With all of his prodding in the last year it have been very hard for me to communicate with him because I have concerns that my ideals will not be up to his standards and I feel that in some ways I am already failing to be a good wife because I am feeling less and less inclined to share myself with him. He frequently consults other people regarding our relationship but never in my presence and when I have heard him discussing it over the phone his tone is unsettling in a way that is difficult to describe.

He says that he loves me but I am beginning to wonder if this is possible with how little he trusts me. I am beginning to believe that I have made a mistake in marrying him and that perhaps we rushed it out of fear. Any guidance would be deeply appreciated on the matter as I do not know how to proceed with this and I don’t think I will be able to keep it up for too much longer.

Aura

Dear Aura,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re having some trust issues in your marriage. But we’re just wondering how did it get to this point? You say the two of you were happy for quite a while so when did it all change? Was there a specific incident that triggered his insecurities and now has caused him to distrust you? Please leave us a comment and fill us in.

What we can’t understand is why the two of you aren’t talking about all of this? He should be speaking directly with you about how he’s feeling—not speaking with your friend, or playing mind games with you—and you should be addressing your concerns directly with him. Relationships are built on trust, but trust is built on solid communication. Right now you have neither. And if you really want to make this work the two of you need to at least agree that you’re going to talk about all the issues the next time you see each other.

As far as you doubting his love for you… This does not sound like a man who’s fallen out of love. On the contrary it sounds like a man who’s very much in love, but insecure about where he stands with his wife. Sure, he may have a proclivity for distrust and those are issues he needs to work on himself, but you need to ask yourself if there’s anything you’re doing to fuel his worry. We’re not saying you’re to blame—you’re not— but if you truly love him and want this marriage to work, it’s worth taking a hard look at your own actions to see if you can help ease his mind.

Successful marriages require work. And they are not always easy. And the fact that you have the added stress of being away from each other, especially as newlyweds, makes this situation even more overwhelming. But before you make any big decisions about your marriage we believe you need to both start working towards understanding how the other person is feeling. You need to start talking to one another because that’s what people who care about each other do. Don’t you want to know why he’s feeling the way he is? And he should absolutely want to know how you’re feeling and why.

Your man is struggling. His mind is swirling out of control with wild thoughts of what you might be doing and he probably has no one to talk about how he’s feeling. And the thing is, he’s not different from most guys. Typically men don’t discuss their relationships with other men, because they don’t like to admit that things aren’t working for them. So imagine him, alone, sitting in his room, making up scenarios in his head about everything you’re doing, and then spinning them for hours and hours. Not a pretty scene. (It might help him a lot to talk to someone—a professional counselor perhaps—about all his insecurities, worries and fears.)

But you could certainly help allay some of his fears by reassuring him that you love him and that you’re being a faithful wife with both your actions and intentions. Why don’t you try and be that person for him? He really needs you right now. And then, after you try to do everything you can to make this work, you’ll be able to make a more informed decision about whether you actually made a mistake to get married. It is possible the two of you are not a great match, but it’s too early to make that decision. See if you can get to the bottom of what’s going on first.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up question and/or comment. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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