Does he want a nanny with benefits?

Read More: Relationship Advice and Dating Advice on Dating Older Men

Dear Guys,

So I started seeing this guy about three months ago. It started off as just sex. Well I’m starting to catch feelings for him. He’s giving me mixed signals about the way he feels. After seeing him a few times, he started asking me if I loved him. And the other night he asked me to spend the night with him, and he told me that he loved me.

He just found out that he has a daughter from a previous relationship and asked me if I’d move in with him to help raise her. Do you think he’s being serious or is just looking for a nanny with benefits?

He’s 38, I’m 20.


Dear Sarah,

Usually when we get this type of question the woman already has an inkling of what we’re going to say, yet, hoping we might say something else. Too veiled? We’ll explain.

Your arrangement began as a purely physical one. He probably thought he hit the proverbial jackpot being with a woman half his age. Of course, you say he was giving you mixed signals until around the time he learned of his child. Then, soon after he asked you to move in with him. It’s certainly possible he could be in love with you but the timing does bring that point into question.

Keep in mind Sarah that you have some say in all of this. This is not just a matter of responding to what he wants, it’s very important for you to consider what you want. Not just here and now, but for the future, for your life. Moving in with this man is a big step, and becoming a step mom is an even bigger step. Before you decide anything we suggest you percolate on some questions.

Beyond his child, what kind of future do you see with this man? Do you have lots in common? Similar interests? Values? Views?

Are you okay moving in with him without talking about the future? Engagement, marriage.

You’re 20 years old. What else do you want to do with your life? Does raising his child deter you from the path you see for yourself? School/college? Job? Will you still be able to pursue your dreams?

And what about kids. Do you want your own someday? Does he want more kids?

We’re not telling you what to do, but we do think you need to think this out. Because really, what’s the rush? You’ve been going out for three months. Why not slow down and see how you feel as the weeks/months go by? It’s more than likely you’ll have a better sense of what you want to do three months from now, or six months from now, or a year or two from now. If he truly loves you, his invitation will stand in perpetuity.

Good luck,


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