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Some recent questions:
A few years ago, this guy and I started dating. The relationship was great. We never argued or fought; we just got along great together. We were very affectionate, caring, and had fun together. We loved each other a lot, but we broke up when he decided to move out of state to live with his other parent. I didn’t want to have a long distance relationship and neither did he.
He ended up moving back and after a few months I decided to give him another shot even though I was still hurting. But I ended it after a while because it just wasn’t the same and I was still hurting.
Now, we have been talking again for a couple months and he came and spent Thanksgiving with my family. We stayed the night together and some things happened physically but not sex. It was really nice. But over the course of these months that we’ve been talking he hooked up with one girl and kissed another. He blames it on being in a fraternity. Is he just playing with my emotions or does he really care?
Because of us living in different cities we do not want a relationship. But it is possible that I might be able to transfer to the same college. Which he even said he wished I went there so that we could hang out more. He has quite a few friends that are girls and I’m worried that he has been lying to me about not doing anything with them.
My family loves him and was glad to hear that he was coming to spend the week of Thanksgiving with me. He was always playing with my hair, holding my hand, kissing my forehead, rubbing my shoulders and feet. Every night we would fall asleep in each other’s arms. Is he just doing all this for the physical stuff or does he care or love me still? Please help me to understand what is going on because I don’t want him to hurt me again. I feel like I know him but I’m not so sure.
Thanks for your question.
It seems as if he still has feelings for you. But guys are all over the place at that age. We’re assuming you’re both around 19 or 20 and in college, which means he’s surrounded by temptation everywhere he goes. It takes a strong and very focused “boy” to be able to commit to a long distance relationship while living in the type of environment he’s living in. (We know that wasn’t specifically your question, but we’re getting there.)
The singular goal of most fraternities is to get as many girls coming through the door as they can. Which makes the temptation element even more heightened. We’re not saying this an excuse for a guy in a committed relationship to cheat. It’s absolutely not. But it certainly gives fraternity guys incentive to NOT be in a committed relationship.
As far as you transferring schools. We don’t recommend transferring because of this guy. If you truly think the school is a better match for your academic pursuits then by all means transfer. But if you’re changing schools because of this guy we don’t think that’s the greatest idea. Why? Because it means you’re the one putting the effort into trying to make this relationship work. He gets to stay at his college, be a fraternity boy, and have you come to “hang out.” And even if you do transfer there are no guarantees of anything working out. But of course, you have to make your own decision on that.
But having said that, we do think there is hope for this relationship. You’ve been close for a long time, and it’s obvious you care about one another. Even after you’ve broken up you’ve stayed in touch in one way or another. So we think this is a timing issue. Right now you’re both in college, exploring new opportunities and new experiences, as you should be. We think if you stay in touch, see each other when you can, maybe in a few years the two of you will reunite. We’ve seen this happen many times before.
However, we’re not saying you should pining away for him. In order for any type of reunion to happen—getting back together—you need to be open to meeting new people. You need to be out there dating and enjoying the single life. You need to be open to meeting someone else new. And who knows, maybe you’ll be surprised and meet someone else who is amazing?
But either way, if you’re not out doing these things, and he is, you’ll only feel resentful if the two of you do decide to give your relationship another shot.
We hope this gives you some insight into what’s going on. Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. Or a follow up question if you’d like.
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