I’m turning to you since I need some insight into the male mind when it comes to romance
I met my love interest almost three years ago (early 2013) through a hobby and it was clearly love at first sight for the both of us. It tooks us weeks before we were actually able to just say “hi” to each other but very slowly it became clear that we really had a strong connection and lots of things in common.
He started asking for my number, inviting me to his concerts—he’s a part time musician—and we were seeing each other 2-3 times a week. Nothing romantic, just two people who clearly liked each other A LOT. Eight months into knowing him (August 2013) he hits me with the news that he already has a girlfriend. Finding out completely broke my heart, as you can understand. His explanation at the time: “He’s not happy with her, they are having so many problems, he already cheated on her and than I came along…” A bunch of crap, I know…
Dealing with this was very hard for me and I even tried to stay friends for a couple of months after that but soon realized I couldn’t and decided I didn’t want to see him anymore. I even gave up on my hobby just to make sure I didn’t have to see him anymore. For over a year, we were completely out of contact, except for four times when I ran into him by accident. Every time I saw him, it was clear we were missing each other. So one night I decided to try the friendship-thing again and went to one of his concerts. (Don’t ask me what I was thinking.) What happened that night, was the best and worst thing ever. After the show, out of the blue, he declared his love for me but also said he didn’t want to hurt his girlfriend.
For months nothing happened until around February of this year. I just couldn’t take it anymore and sent him a text to see how he was doing. Despite him being on holiday at the time, he replied within 15 minutes and made it very clear he wanted to see me again and soon. So a couple of weeks later I agreed to meet him in the park. Our connection was still there and it was as if I had never left. We stayed in touch after that and slowly got back to seeing each other 2-3 times a week again, just as friends. Two months later something happens that I never expected: he broke up with his girlfriend. Even now I still can’t believe it… I knew he was unhappy with her but I never imagined them actually breaking up. A couple of weeks after they broke up (July of this year), I asked him out for a drink one night and he replied, “I’m not ready for a new relationship yet.” I was a bit taken aback.
Shortly after that (September of this year) I started a new job for which I needed to travel from time to time. I wasn’t seeing him 2-3 times a week anymore partly from my job and partly because I couldn’t handle it. Though, I kept in touch with him on a casual basis via text and within the month he was sending me texts that he missed me, that I needed to come back, that I couldn’t leave.
Since I’m crazy in love with the man, my heart crumbled and I tried to arrange my new job so I could still see him on a more regular basis. I went to one of his shows and afterwards he just grabbed my face and kissed me – for the first time! – in front of all his friends and family. And again, he declared how much he cared about me and made it clear that he wanted to take things further. For two weeks after that, everything was perfect. We met up, went on walks, had long talks – life was good Until two weeks ago, when I asked if he wanted to come over one night. I didn’t hear from him for three days! Until I finally sent a text saying, “Just let me know if you’re ok, because I’m getting worried.” He replied: “I’m fine just not available… Understand it, please.” Of course that hurt my feelings but I didn’t know what to do next. As I’m not willing to meet him right now, a friend of mine talked to him at the beginning of the week explaining that he really needs to talk to me and explain what is going on. He told her he’s not ready for a relationship but doesn’t want to tell me since he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings because he likes me too much.
So guys, I need some advice here: What the hell is up with this man? The fact that he still comes to the place where we always used to meet, that he’s not blowing me off and talking to my friends about me, feels to me that he still wants me in his life but just doesn’t know quite “how” right now, just friends or girlfriend? I’m so in love with him and if he needs more time, I’m more than willing to give it to him but I just don’t know if that is the way to go. Do you think he genuinley has feelings for me (which I like to believe) and is still confused as hell after his past relationship or is he just playing me and waiting for something better to come along? I just really need to know if his feelings are for real or not… And I know that I need to talk to him face-to-face about this, I’m just first trying to make up my mind for myself and therefore seeking some advice.
Confused Apple Pie x
Dear Confused Apple Pie,
We don’t get the sense he’s playing you, but we do get the sense he’s conflicted.
He may feel guilty for breaking up with his girl, and subconsciously blames you for it, or at least associates you with the breakup. It’s possible he’s still talking to her and trying to help her understand what happened, even if that’s not the best idea for him, and for her. Or he may now be scared to get into another relationship and hurt someone else. It’s possible he no longer trusts himself.
That said, fear/conflict is often caused by uncertainty. If a guy feels completely sure about a woman, it’s doubtful that he would be scared to at least get to know the woman better. We’re honestly surprised by his stance based on what you’ve told us about your “relationship.” The fact that he wants to talk to you, be with you, hang out with you, have you come to his shows, kiss you, all point to his strong feelings for you. But the fact that he’s balking at anything more than friendship does raise some questions in our mind. It’s possible, now that he’s a free man, that he sees your relationship clearly for the first time, and he’s evaluating accordingly. Consider that when he met you, he was embroiled in a difficult relationship. You were the new and fresh and different girl and that was very appealing to him. Now that he’s free, it’s possible he’s seeing you with a different perspective and he’s unsure.
But look Apple Pie, this is all speculation. What you need to do is sit him down and get the truth from him. Maybe make a list of questions, like the ones above, or your own, to use as talking points. Frankly, it’s unfair of him to give you such mixed-signals. You need answers and he should be ready to deliver those to you. We don’t think he’s playing with you intentionally, but he’s not considering your feelings, which is something for you to consider when evaluating him and the relationship.
Keep us posted. Leave us a comment in the comments section below with update/follow-up questions.
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