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Does this older guy like me?

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Dear Guys,

Ok, so I’m 15 year old and I like this guy that just graduated from my highschool. He is a freshman in college now. We both are interested in volleyball and I guess whenever he isn’t in school, at work, or doing volleyball, he comes to help out our varsity team. I see him like 2-3 times a week. I can sort of tell he is into me but I’m not sure. He helps me out a lot when I’m stuck on something and is very supportive. (More supportive than he is to the other girls)

For example: We recently had a home game and it was an important one, too. It was towards the end of the game and the coach called a timeout. And during the timeout this guy got me a cup of water and said, “You’re tired but don’t worry about that. Just push through it.” But I didn’t really catch on to what he did until after the game and then that’s when it hit me. LOL!

He smiles or laughs sometimes whenever I trip or make a corny joke. Or he just says “stop” but in a jokingly way. He watches me a lot too and tells me what I’m doing wrong so I can fix it.

Should I try talking to him? Because everytime we DO talk it’s abut volleyball. But I also don’t want to distract him from his college stuff. UGHHH! I don’t know if he is just being friendly or what, but I need to have something to go off of here!

Sooo, does he like me?

Tay

Dear Tay,

Thanks for your question.

So being 15 years old makes you either a freshman or sophomore in high school, right? And this guy is a freshman in college so he’s likely 18 going on 19, right? We’re just trying to get the facts straight. Because in addition to your question, we also feel we need to address the age disparity.

From what you describe we would say that yes, he likes you, or at least that he’s attracted to you. But he’s in a funny position. Not only is he the “assistant coach” to your volleyball team, but he’s an older, and legal guy, who’s possibly interested in a younger girl, who’s underage. We’re not saying you should feel weird about this, or that he’s creepy. In a few years, a three to four year age difference won’t even be a consideration. But right now it’s kind of a big deal, and honestly there’s no way he can really pursue you beyond a friendship. And he shouldn’t really.

Have you watched our video on dating older guys? It’s a little snarky but it’s all true. You should check it out. And have your friends check it out as well.

We also don’t think it’s a good idea for you to pursue him at this point. We think you should just keep doing what you’re doing. Be friendly, or be friends with him. Enjoy each other’s company when you see him and maybe keep the lines of communication open with him. If he’s still in the picture in a few years(when you’re 18 or so), maybe you can explore something then. Relationships are as much about love and attraction as they are about timing. The timing isn’t quite right here Tay.

We hope this wasn’t too discouraging for you. We try to be as positive and supportive as we can, but it’s even more important for us to be honest and straightforward.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

 

7 Comments on Does this older guy like me?

  1. AnaDana // May 17, 2013 at 8:10 am //

    I’d appreciate your perspective on my issue. A colleague going through a bad divorce, and I have been lunching weekly for a year sometimes alone but mostly with other colleagues. He’s attentive (pulls out my chair, sometimes pays, brings me favorites from the buffet, and always sit near me),and we’re going away on business and he’s arranged for some nice dinners…I’ve developed feelings for him. (although I felt something when we met 8 yrs ago) His best friend recently called him (unbeknownst to me) and said everyone’s noticed the chemistry between us and asked if he was going to act on it. It caught him off guard and he said no. When I found out I emailed saying I didn’t know he didn’t see me like that. He graciously explained that after such a long marriage (31 yrs) he’s nowhere near being interested in a relationship and it could be years. Then he listed how he enjoys my company, appreciates my perspective on things, my advice, finds me terrific, smart, funny etc. and considers me a best friend. He is 65 and I’m 50 and he did tell his friend that the age is an issue because it’s the same as his wife, along with the fact that my son won’t be 18 for 3 more years. I’ll say that we have the same morals and neither of us would consider dating while separated and I did say I understood because it took me three years after my divorce to consider a date. Now that romance is off the table he’s relieved and interested in companionship for things like attending art gallery functions, going for drives etc (not sex) with me. But I find that I want to pull back from the friendship as that’s not the zone I want to be in. But I also know that I truly need to see him. He is the finest gentleman I’ve ever met and I’d like to be his “choice ” when he is ready. Do you think I got a kind blowoff? Do you think that if I pull back that he may see me as someone he’d date later? Or do you think it’s crystal clear that there’s no room for romance down the road? We are comfortable with and kind to each other, and his best friend told him we’re perfect together and that I should hang in here. Sigh…

  2. @AnaDana…….Thank you for your donation. We do appreciate it! So just to be clear. You don’t want a friendship with this guy because you actually want more and it might be too difficult to be in the friend zone? Is that right? At least he’s being honest with you. It might take him a few years to be interested in a relationship again. Or he might want to be free, and be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to do it. That’s pretty typical for a guy who’s been married for as long as he has. The question is: Does he see you as having potential down the road? Or is his divorce just an excuse to let you down easy? We’ll be blunt. Much of it has to do with how attracted physically he is to you. And is that kind of thing important to him. Because if he’s not really attracted to you, but really likes the person you are, he’ll be very happy to have you as a close friend, but we don’t think it will go further than that. But if he is attracted to you, and still is interested in sex, then it’s likely he’ll come around at some point if you’re in the picture. (And if he’s really into you, you could not be in the picture and he’s search you out.) This might not answer your question, but it’s the best we can do here without being mind readers. What do you think?

  3. AnaDana // May 17, 2013 at 5:56 pm //

    Hi Guys, Yes, he finds me physically attractive. The way his friend told me he’s been in such a tough marriage for so long, and he’s in a hurry to do all the things he never did before… I am going to stay in the friend zone because frankly, I need to see him, and he considers me a best friend. It’s a good place to be at our age. I will add that he’s introduced me his grown son, and I’m meeting his daughter next week. She even emailed me and said she was looking forward to it. I believe he truly needs the time to heal and realizes that jumping into a rebound won’t move his life forward. Thank you so much for your perspective and I’ll keep you posted and ask more questions.

  4. @AnaDana….Well, good luck. And yes, keep us posted.

  5. AnaDana // June 4, 2013 at 7:18 pm //

    Hi Guys: Wrote about a colleague I have feelings for and want to update you. Went on our business trip and it was wonderful:took me out every day – lunch, dinner, walks, kayaking, live music…and paid for all. I offered many times and he proclaimed (even in front of a colleague) no way. Met his adult daughter and we got along great. Dressed up for a formal dinner at the event and I got a “wow” when he saw me. Our last night he suprised me with dinner at a waterfront restaurant, knowing in advance the cab fare was $80… All great fun, easy-going, and happy. When I commented perhaps we’d stayed at the conference one day too long, he said “then we wouldn’t have this night.” I’ve never seen him be affectionate outside his family and I asked if he hugged friends, to which he said no. I said “too bad” and hugged him, and he followed suit several times. I have to repeat that at no time was there kissing or romance as his divorce wont be final till next month, and he said he wont be ready for a relationship for years after a 31 yr marriage. Turns out he has no issue with my my age and finds us very compatible. He okayed our pics to go on his FB page for all to see and several colleagues assume we’re a couple. We’re lunching Thursday. One thing I forgot to ask (and do I?)- if he were emotionally available now, or when he is…would he even want a relationship with me? But I dont want to be another layer of stress for him, along with this acrimonious divorce. I did tell him I’m crazy about him – think I continued to talk, not allowing for an answer. We don’t text or email much, and our regular time together is lunch weekly. I know if a man wants you they act it so I’m just looking for your feedback on things. How do you perceive his behavior and if it sounds positive. Again, he’s an older man (65 yrs old to my 50) of fine character and I know he’s not pulling anything. I am in the Friend Zone and think staying in the picture may be good long term, although hard on my heart. Advice?

  6. @AnaDana……A lot depends on how patient you want to be. Thirty one years is a long time to be with someone. It takes time to sort out feelings, let go of any anger, and then be open and ready for someone new. And the last thing most guys want to do after a divorce is jump right back into a relationship. (He’s basically said this to you.) That said, he’s 65. Which means it’s likely he’ll be ready sooner than someone who was 35. The question is, how long will it take him? It sounds from what you describe that he’s attracted to you physically which is important. It also sounds like he enjoys your company and respects you. Our advice would be to continue seeing him in whatever capacity he wants, but don’t limit yourself. See other people. Put yourself out there. We wouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket. Who knows, he may decide that he wants to stay single. It’s just way too early to tell. We know you’re looking for some sort of guarantee but there is none. Hang in there and take care. And thanks for your donation.

  7. AnaDana // June 5, 2013 at 9:06 am //

    Thank you for the feedback. I think you’re right and I appreciate the perspective.

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