Friends with benefits?

Read our e-report on Friends with Benefits.

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Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 


Dear Guys,

So I recently started hooking up with this guy. I liked him a little, and told him I wanted to keep things casual before we both start college in the fall. We hooked up one time, and ended up going “all the way.” I was originally not going to text him, but he began texting me and we’ve been talking non-stop. I’ve hung out with his friends, but he will never touch me in front of them. However, once we get into the car, he’ll begin talking to me and he’ll kiss me good night. We’ve gone “all the way” a few times now, and we both know each other really well. I am worried because he stopped texting me, even though he told me how eager he is to see me again in a non-sexual setting. I’m trying to figure out if this means he wants to be more than “friends with benefits,” or are we still only in the “hook up” stage? Keep in mind, we’ve hung out together and not done anything, and we both still have fun. I’m really confused about the state of this relationship


Dear Hilary,

Thanks for your question.

Part of the confusion stems from your initial desire to keep things casual before you leave for college. But when you couple that with “hooking up,” which for some someone your age isn’t typically casual, now we’re even a bit confused.

What we’re gathering from your note is that now you’ve decided you like this guy beyond a “friends with benefits” arrangement. And this is the problem with casual “hook ups.” Someone—and often the woman because men still seem to more easily separate the physical from the emotional—starts to get connected emotionally, which leads to a potentially confusing and frustrating situation.

It might be nice to sort this out before you leave for college in a few weeks, but this could be the type of situation where things are up in the air even as you leave for school. A lot is going to happen for both of you in the next 9 months. And since things are already unclear between the two of you, maybe you should revert back to a platonic relationship with him so you can keep yourself open to new possibilities as you enter school. There ARE couples that stay together all throughout college, but those couples are rare, and usually have a solid foundation in place before they do the long distance dance. More typically, couples split up and explore on their own, and then sometimes reconnect a few years later. We think if people are meant to be together, somehow they’ll end up finding each other again.

If this answer doesn’t help you, then your best bet is to talk to him and try to find out where his head is at. And of course tell him how you’re feeling as well. But since he’s been giving you mixed signals you may not get the answer you’re hoping for.

Good luck on all fronts,


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5 Comments on Friends with benefits?

  1. cowabonga // May 21, 2013 at 11:02 am //

    Hi guys, over 2 months ago I met this guy and we had a one night stand, days after that he texted me and we met again. Over the next weeks we’ve gone out over 5 times, I’ve met his friends/roommate, we’ve gone to dinner and we’ve hang out before having sex (and I always stay at his house). The problem is the last times we’ve seen each other I’ve been the one who’ve initiated contact. He does answer me quickly and he always have time to see me (he’s never said no) but he never texts/calls to set up – and weeks can go by. I don’t want a relationship but I guess this FWB thing should have a 50/50 effort (you set up some dates, I set up some). We’ve never had an arrangement (there’s no f*ck buddy, FWB, booty call label) but I did told him that I was not ready for a relationship because I just broke up w my ex. Should I move on? Has he lost interest in me or do you think he’s still interest but is used to me making the first move?

  2. @Cowabonga……Why don’t you let him initiate the next time. See how long it takes him. Then you can determine what you want to do. But this is the nature of FWB. It’s always a bit blurry. Good luck.

  3. I’m not sure if you would define it as FWB? Or if this falls into more of the Booty call category….?
    Long story short, like many others I hooked up with a Fella a few years back. We are more of associates I would say,simply because I don’t know many details about him. He was nice to be around and easy to talk to prior to our little indiscretion the first time it happened. There was/is chemistry, I can say that much. We seem to be drawn to each other. Non the less I took it for what it was-Great sex!
    Fast forwarding about 2 years later here I am. Said fella and I hooked up again a few months back. He only seems to contact me when he wants some. I didn’t mind so much at first because that was what I was looking for at the time. But it get’s a little redundant after text upon text, upon text. I blew him off intentionally a few days back. He got kind of upset about it(understandably). I made a comment out of annoyance that-“I’m sorry, I suppose I’m not a very reliable booty call”. To my surprise he responded by saying-“It’s not just a booty call. We have chemistry. Lots of it.”. Since then I’ve been tossing it around relentlessly in my head-What does THAT mean?! Am I reading into this too much? Do I let bygone’s be bygone’s and ignore this pulling chemistry? He has a reputation at 32 for getting around quite a bit. The only thing he’s said about relationships is he has just had some bad luck in that department.I’m very doubtful of…Anything at this point!
    It was allll fine and great until he pulled the chemistry card on me!
    Any comments or advice are welcomed. Thank you at least for your time.

  4. @Jess…..You’ve described it accurately. You’re a booty call, no matter how he wants to define it. Just because he says you’re more than that doesn’t mean much. Actions not words are the most telling. How often does he contact you? Does he want to take you out? Introduce you to everyone he knows? No. He contacts you when he wants some. This is going nowhere. Sorry. If you’re okay with that, continue on. But we think this is just going to get more confusing and frustrating. Take care.

  5. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

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