Friends with Benefits; Is there a chance he could fall for me?

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Hi Guys,

What do you think are the chances of a FWB falling for you? I’ve had a FWB relationship for five years. We talk all the time, argue most of the time, have incredible orgasmic sex, have stood by each other through good and bad times. But we just can’t talk about our feelings. So crazy and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’m not the the kind to pour my heart out to get turned down. After five years if he wanted something more he would have asked hey?

He has said things like we should get married and live in a caravan and have 100 children. Weird and no thanks. But why joke like that? And he has said we argue like a married couple. He has said he loves me and then moments later I’m back to being his best friend ever.

I don’t get it. I can understand that he is not in a position to provide for my child (7) and me. But I’m not asking for that.

I’m 29 and he is 33 by the way. And I have had a relationship during this time and he has slept with other girls. We just always go back to each other.

So any ideas which direction I should take? I don’t want to waste time. But don’t want to lose one of the best things that has crossed my path.


Dear Cassidy,

Thanks for your question. Please watch our video on this topic. “Friends with Benefits”  This will answer most of your general questions about a “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) arrangement.

As far as your specific question, it does seem like if he wanted to take this relationship to the next level he would already have tried, or at least the two of you would be discussing it. But having a five year FWB arrangement has given him no reason to do much else. He’s getting regular good sex with someone he cares about a lot; he has no other responsibilities, no other demands on his time; he’s pretty much free to do whatever he wants and he knows you’ll still be there. We don’t see the incentive for him to do much else, at least from his perspective. Do you? (Note: We do think that having a committed relationship is enough incentive for many guys.)

Your daughter may be complicating matters a bit, but it’s not like he’s unaware of her. We know you said you’re not the kind of girl who pours their heart out to a guy, but we do think you need to talk to him about how you feel. You say you don’t want to lose one of the best things that has crossed your path, but what do you really have now? You don’t really have a relationship, you don’t really have this guy? You have semi-regular fun together and that’s it. If you truly want more with this man, then talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, and what you want, and ask him where his head’s at. If he says he’s unsure, or just doesn’t know, then it’s time to move on, because he’s had plenty of time to figure out what he wants. Believe us, he knows even if he doesn’t say it.

This may or may not turn out the way you hope, but at least you’ll have some answers and know you did everything in your power to make things work. And you’ll have no regrets, which is so important.

Good luck. We hope this works out for you. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question, or another question. Leave us a comment in the comments section below.

Also, you might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebeccas, a memoir.” Start from the beginning with the introduction and read Ch. 1  and Ch. 2. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!



Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB

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Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 


50 Comments on Friends with Benefits; Is there a chance he could fall for me?

  1. Cassidy // June 5, 2012 at 11:05 am //

    Great reply Guys, thanks so much! Not sure what I’m going to do.. Letting go of this guy is pretty hard. But thumbs up for a informative, well run site! 🙂 🙂

  2. @Cassidy….You’re welcome. Let us know if we can help in any other way. Or if you have follow up questions. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  3. Ok i was with my BF (now ex) for 4 years we were pretty serious and were to get married. However since we are from diff religious back grounds my family pressurized me to leave him.. i tries to comvince them but they didnt agree. He had promised me he will convert to my religion if needed but then he backed out. After that i broke off with him officially however we continued to be in touch and i never stopped doing stuff for him like taking care of him etc. I was in depression for last one year and my feelings had all dried up…i told him i didnt have any feelings for him. Early this year i started counselling and realised no matter waht i love him and will go against my family and religion to be with him. I went back to him on 15th April and he said he is with a new girl since Jan and thay had slept with each other. I was schoked as we were in constant touch and he had hidden this from me. He said he hid it coz i was already depressed, on further probing he said he doesnt love her but they are just having fun. I tried to convince him to leave her and take me back and we can get married.
    He says no matter how things are he loves me and needs me but he is with someone else so i shudnt have any expectations or hopes from him. I am fed up of chasing him for 1.5 months and told him today that he has to choose one and leave the other. If he wants her than i will cut complete contacts with him as i still love him .He said he needs time to think.

    I have been with him in thick and thin when he was jobless, in troubles etc. not that i did a favour on him but just FYI. and he shares his problems with me and not with this new girl.
    So guys my question is -what are the chances of him choosing me ?

  4. @nhs……We think the chances are good. Of course, the fact that you originally chose your family over him is factoring into his hesitation and uncertainty. It took you a while to realize what you really wanted, so why shouldn’t he have some time to think about this? We can understand why you gave him an ultimatum, but think long and hard about what you really want. If it’s him, you might be wise to not put yourself—and him—in a position to lose. Life isn’t black and white. It’s messy. If you truly love him, give him a chance to figure things out. What do you think? We’d like to hear your thoughts on this. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question anytime. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  5. Hi guys,

    So, I wanted to find the answer in question already asked above, but I just have a weird situation, and I read that posting a comment will get me a reply faster.

    In the end of 2011 this guy came to my school on an exchange program. When we met, we had several great conversations. I didn’t really look at him as a man at first, but then one night he got drunk, and when he saw me, he hit on me. I didn’t pay that much attention to that either, exactly because of the alcohol. However, he invited me to a party of his, where he hit on me again; I didn’t stay impartial this time, but we didn’t actually have sex that night.

    Then, he was friendly at first, but generally got more distant. I responded to that and didn’t really act with him differently than with any other acquaintance. Moreover, he was sleeping around with every girl that would agree to that. I figured, maybe he found me attractive, wanted some fun that one time and nothing more, and that was fine. His distance made me think, he might have gotten the idea that I was very interested, and he wanted to prevent my having wrong ideas, and that worked, cause I didn’t have any ideas about it anymore.

    Problem was, as much as he was distant, he was also not leaving me alone. He was n’t hitting on me, but he was provoking me, talking to me, stuff like that. It’s hard to explain, but he was paying attention to me, when I was distant and wasn’t, when I was friendly. I was friendly because I thought he might actually want to be friends. However, this hot and cold attitude annoyed me, and made me be the same way, I guess. I just don’t like games.

    A month and half went by with us basically being like a cat and a dog whenever we ended up in the same place. One night though, we ended up having sex. I admit, I was still attracted to him, but I didn’t want or expect anything from him, because I did learn he actually had a girl back home, despite the constant sleeping around with girls.

    The next day after having sex, we had a big fight, and from that moment on, I just didn’t wanna deal with him at all. All the games and drama weren’t for me. Of course, from that moment on, he started being nicer to me, but I wasn’t as nice anymore, except for maybe the last two weeks or so.

    Time came for him to leave, and I figured, I would never hear from him again, and I was relieved. Surprisingly, I did hear from him again. He kept writing me. We kept being hot and cold with each other over the internet. However, recently we had this conversation that confused me completely.

    You see, the first month, I thought that he liked me. Then, I realized he was just a player. Then, after he left, I figured he continued to write me just out of boredom, cause he is the type that would do that. He likes to do whatever makes him feel good.

    However, now during this last conversation, he said he gave up on our friendship a long time ago because of the way I acted, but he wanted to find a friend in me, so that’s why he kept on writing; stuff like that. The reason I am confused is that he used to avoid me. Before he left, I tried to be nice and open-minded. I tried to be his friend and let him get to know me, but he wouldn’t make the effort to learn stuff about me, even though he had started behaving better. So, now that we are not likely to ever see each other in real life again, he has these conversations, he wants to know more about me, and he wants to be my friend. I don’t see why. There is nothing out of this friendship that can benefit either of us. He’s a player, but he can’t even get sex. It’s not even a real friendship. Our conversations are arguments and jokes, a few nice conversations happen months apart. It’s not like I cared before that conversation, but now I am so confused that I am using resources other than my common sense to try and get what he is thinking, because I have no idea anymore, and I just wanna be done with this issue. I find it frustrating, and I know it might be simpler just to cut all ties with this guy, but I am not that type of person. He did have some influence on me or maybe I just like the attention, I don’t know. I know, I don’t want a relationship with him. I don’t know if I want a friendship. I did admire the way he was thinking before all the other stuff got in the way; I guess I still talk to him because of things like that. However, if I can understand him better, maybe I’ll figure it out as well. I just wanna know if he is playing games, if he actually wants a friend, or if there is something else there, so that I can figure out a way to deal with him.

    I am sorry for the long message. I’ll be glad to read any fresh perspective on the matter, especially by other guys. I don’t think my girlfriends are qualified to judge this one.


  6. @April……Well, he is a player, that’s pretty clear. So as far as having a relationship with this guy, we wouldn’t recommend it. (At least at this point in his life.) Guys do grow up and mature, although it takes a while. And yes, there are the few that never do. You can find them at hotel bars trying to pick up whoever happens to be in town that weekend. Anyway, on to your other questions. This whole “relationship” with this guy seems to require a lot of effort, and for what? We can’t see what you’re getting out of it. We understand about friendships and feeling like friendships are for life, etc. But honestly, the more you live, the more you’ll realize that most people you meet will only be in your life for a time, and that friendships are not always much different than boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. They come, they go, they fade away. Sure, there will be new friends that you’ll want to keep as you continue your journey, but we don’t see this guy as being one of them. He seems like someone who had a big impact on you for a short time. An interesting memory, or a lesson perhaps? As far as his advances, we don’t think he’s being conniving or anything, but he does seem a little socially challenged. Meaning, he’s all over the place. He doesn’t seem settled in his own life, and that’s why he’s so confusing to you. It’s almost like he has no filter, and he’s just one big stream of consciousness. We don’t like to tell people what to do, but we do think you should ask yourself what you’re getting from all of this. We know it’s sad to let someone go, but it’s better than being confused, annoyed, and resentful. What do you think? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. And feel free to ask us a follow up question. Or another question anytime. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  7. I agree with the stuff you said. I don’t want a relationship with him; I never did. Any crush that I might have had for him is long, long gone. I do not like him romantically.

    He is actually a lot older than me. I don’t wanna specify, but there is at least a decade difference. Still, I also think that for some stuff he is not mature enough.

    I do realize he is a “friend” I shouldn’t keep. As you said, yes, he did have an impact on me for many reasons, which aren’t worth discussing here. However, most of all, he’s been a constant presence and continues to be, which makes it hard to get rid of.

    I think, I got most of what you said. Not to sound dense or anything, but I’d be glad on a bit of an elaboration about “his advances” not being convincing. If you are not convinced that he wants me as a friend, what does he want from me, considering he is not settled into his own life? This is the part I didn’t fully get. Do you think, as observers, you can give me something specific? He says that he doesn’t have that type of dynamics in communicating with anybody else, just me, and I’ve seen that it is kind of true. Same goes for me. I am not used to dealing with that type of person, so it’s harder to understand some aspects of his behavior, and I am much less experienced than him, and I guess than you guys, so I can use a bit more info, in this case-elaboration.

    Thanks again!

  8. @April…..Of course we’ll elaborate, especially taking into consideration the new information you gave us about his age. This explains a lot. If he’s a decade older than you then he’s definitely immature, and a bit “lost” based on his actions. Sure, guys of any age will hit on women and try to get sex, but they typically focus on one person and not try to bed every person like he did. (At least not the way he did it.) Like we said, he just seems “all over the place.” Which also explains why he’s trying to be your friend. It’s likely he doesn’t have a lot of close friends. If he’s that unfocused, it’s likely he’s not focused enough to put the time and energy into a friendship. (Yes, friendships need feeding as well.) But maybe he’s trying to change. And maybe he sensed that you were different than some of the other people he’s met, more open—maybe based on your intellectual connection you mentioned. So he’s reaching out to you in the way he knows how—jokes, arguments, confrontation, more jokes, etc. He’s trying to connect but probably hasn’t had a lot of practice doing so. So the question comes to mind: Why? Why is he doing this? We actually don’t sense an ulterior motive here. He likes you on some level so he’s reaching out to you. You might not be getting much from the interaction but we bet he is. (Like we said before, our gut tells us he doesn’t have these kind of connections in his life.) So that’s our best take on the situation. Now it’s up to you to figure out what you want to do about it, if anything. Does this help at all? Or did we just confuse you more!?

  9. WOW! Well, it does help a lot. Truth is, after seeing him act like that with other girls and with me, I thought he was basically a heartless person, who just seeks attention or entertainment when talking to me. I thought that was his agenda. Respectively, I wasn’t being as nice as I am with the friends whom I trust. Naturally, when I bear such thoughts in mind, I am not allowing normal communication, and, considering how he is, it could never happen.

    I never allowed myself to look at the situation like you have. Therefore, in the future, I’ll try to communicate with him with your insight in mind; that will definitely change my attitude, I don’t know for his. If things remain the same, I’ll just end it. However, the truth is that if you are right, and he does get something out of this, something positive, it doesn’t hurt me that much to give a bit of my time to that person. I do like to make people feel good, and I think it will show if it’s actually helping or not.

    Thank you for the insight, and I’ll definitely come back, if I have a confusing guy situation again, which I am sure will happen. 🙂 I’ll definitely recommend you to friends!

  10. @April…….That’s just our take. Glad we could help. Keep us posted. We’re curious to hear how this turns out. And yes, come back if anything comes up again. And we appreciate you letting your friends know about us. If you didn’t get a chance to check out the “Relationship memoirs” page, we think you might enjoy reading some of the guest writers, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” Take care.

  11. Dear guys,
    I am in a similar situation but not exactly the same. I was drunk one night and hooked up with one of my friends. We were not very close at that time. After the night, he invited me over to his place to watch movies or have dinner together several times. Almost every time I slept over at his place and we had sex. He also called me or text me when he was drunk and asked if he could come over to my place. It was like this for about three weeks. I enjoyed our time together, but I didn’t want to have a FWB relationship with anyone. I like him but I didn’t want to sleep with him if FWB was what he was looking for. Therefore, one night I asked him if he was simply using me for sex or if he liked me. He told me that he likes me but he doesn’t want to date anyone right now. He has not been dating for 10 years. And there have always been girls around him. He told me that he was sleeping with a girl last year for about a year, but then she moved away. He claimed to be ‘single’ at all times but they slept together. He said he was sorry but he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. I told him that if this was the case, then I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. We didn’t have sex on that night. I thought everything was clear between us. However, after the night, he started to text me daily. We text and chatted everyday. He still asked me if I want to hang out. I went to his place many times. He knew I didn’t want to have sex (without being in a relationship), so we were just hugging and kissing. There were two nights that we were drunk, and we had sex. But out of all other times, we were just hanging out at his place, studying, watching movies, and having dinner together. Now I sleep over at his places at least 2-3 times a week, but we just kiss and we don’t have sex. It has been going on like this for about three weeks. I know he is not seeing anyone other than me. Our relationship right now is exactly same as a normal couple except no one around us knows that we are having this special relationship. People probably suspected, but I don’t think he told anyone about us. Is there a reason why guys like him don’t want to commit? Is there any way to make him want to be in a relationship with me? Thank you very much for your help!

  12. @Crystal……….Please be careful and stick to your guns. You said you didn’t want to have a FWB relationship, but what you’re describing sounds like it’s moving in and out of this kind of arrangement. Maybe he’s a good enough guy and won’t push you to do what you don’t want to do, but certainly he’s generous with the drink, which means he’s hoping you’ll be generous with your body. (And you have a few times.) As per your question: He’s been honest with you about what he wants or doesn’t want. There’s nothing you can do to “make” him want to commit. He has to come to that decision on his own. But it certainly won’t happen if he’s getting what he wants anyway. (Sex and companionship w/out commitment) Maybe it’s more of a guy thing to not want to commit, but it’s more a matter of where he’s at in his life. You have a better chance if you’re just friends with him and then see what happens. But our gut tells us this could be a long road for you.

  13. Hey Guys,

    A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with my best friend (a guy) and his roommate, who over the past year, has become a good friend of mine as well. Well we were all hanging out until my best friend had to leave to go to a family event, and since he had given me a ride I was preparing to leave as well until the roommate asked if I wanted to stay and hang out and he would give me a ride home. I said yes. So to make a long story slightly shorter, we ended up hooking up. It was an extremely awkward hook up because although I am not a virgin, I had never given head before that night. Afterwards he took me home and I texted him saying “sorry if I acted weird, I was just processing” and he said “its all good, it was a weird night, our secret?” and I said “yup”. A few days ago, I texted him asking if he wanted to hang out and he said no because it was getting late and he was tired. I’ve had drunk hookups before but usually me and whoever it was pretend it never happened. But this is different, or I would like it to be. I would be happy if it turned into some sort of friends with benefits situation but i don’t know how to proceed or if he would even be interested in that idea. So how do I find out if he would like something like that without making it potentially really awkward between us? How should I proceed? Thanks for your help!

  14. @Kelly……..Please, please do not get into a FWB arrangement with this guy. He’s already giving you mixed signals and it’s only been one night. (Please watch our video on that topic. It might help you.) Honestly, we think you should chalk this up to experience and move on. And what do you really want? A relationship with him or a FWB arrangement with him?

  15. I’ve been friends with a guy for about a year, 8 months of which we’ve been friends with benefits. At the beginning of the year, he convinced me to move in with him, to escape my mooch of a roommate. Lots of things happened and we moved to his hometown and in with his mother and brother. The benefits part is still there, I guess I’m just confused about why I’m slowly becoming a permanent fixture, if I’m just his friend. I’m not a booty call anymore, we share a bed while his room is being fixed up, he cooks for me and takes care of my dog when I’m at work. I know if he wanted something more from me, he would’ve asked. And i’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some feelings for him.  So have I gotten myself into something bad?

  16. @Guys I guess I keep thinking if he wanted something other than what’s going on now, he’d say something. We both have our own issues, so everythings been convenient so far, but I feel like im getting dependent on him to be there. Even though we live together, sleep together and hang out together, is it possible he isn’t becoming a little dependent on me too? And I think I do have something to lose: my living arrangement. Which, being a poor college kid, I can’t quickly change…

  17. @Kaelie…Well that sheds a new light on things. But even though your living situation could get interrupted, is that really worth staying in something that doesn’t make you happy? We’re not sure. That’s your call of course. Why don’t you keep things the way they are for a bit longer, and then see if he brings anything up this summer. If not, you definitely need to have a talk with him. Is that a good compromise? What do you think?

  18. I was told if I post this here, it might get answered quicker. Thanks!
    Hey, so I met this guy last summer, Andy, through a mutual best friend, Tim (Tim and Andy were best friends since kindergarten and Tim and I pretty much lived together in college because he was my ex-BFs roommate). I spend every summer with my family at our summer house, which coincidentally is where Andy and Tim grew up. So Tim introduced Andy and I, and we hit it off. We became very good friends and about 3 weeks into the summer we started hooking up. I had broken up with my boyfriend 4 months before that so I still wasn’t in the best shape to start a new relationship and Andy is in law school and did not want to be distracted with a girlfriend. We kind of discussed that we didn’t want more and decided to do the friends with benefit thing, and then it was never brought up again, but we kept hooking up for the summer.

    After summer ended I didn’t know what would happen. I still wasn’t over my ex, and I was all confused. Andy moved into NYC for school, and I lived in a suburb of NYC. He would Instant Message or text me on a VERY regular basis, like to the point where we were talking for hours a day every single day. We would talk about anything, from politics, to our thoughts on relationships, literally anything, and we would just talk for hours. Every so often I would visit him for the weekend, or he would visit me. We would hook up, cuddle, talk in bed, all the stuff that couples do, but we weren’t a couple, we were just very good friends. I didn’t really like him as more than that, but I did enjoy spending time with him and he made me feel happy. I also never thought he felt anything for me, because I figured he would have told me if he wanted anything more.

    Fast forward to December, I went on vacation, and met a boy named Jake. Jake and I started dating and have been dating ever since. Andy and I still talk, he calls me and we talk on the phone for extended periods of time (20 mins-an hour), almost everyday. He even got out of work a little early one day (he works till like 8 he has a very good job and works A LOT), and travelled about 30 minutes out of his way to have dinner with me. And the other night, I was with him at his house and everyone had left but he needed to drive me home and he drank earlier that night, but wasn’t really drunk anymore and we were just sitting in his backyard talking, and he kept very lightly touching my hand and not moving it, and running his hand up and down my thigh.

    So here is my question, do you think Andy has any feelings for me or is just a touchy person who enjoys talking to me? I think we are just very good friends, but am I being naive? Jake thinks Andy is ridiculous and doesn’t believe how a guy would treat a girl with a boyfriend the way he does. I don’t know though. My boyfriend isn’t jealous and he doesn’t have a problem with me seeing him, he just doesn’t think its innocent on his part.

    Sidenotes: I started law school a few weeks ago so one reason we talk so much is we talk a lot about it, he is an amazing student and is very helpful with me, but I almost never initiate the conversation. And during the whole past year I barely initiated. Also I am 22 and he is 24. Thanks!

  19. @Sam…Okay let’s get this straight. Jake is your current boyfriend. Andy is the guy you hooked up with for a time and were friends with, right? And Jake is not jealous of Andy, but thinks Andy is still trying to get you in the sack? Correct or not? First of all, what do you think Andy’s intentions are? And what are yours? Do you still secretly kind of like him, or not? Bottom line: No guy wants their girl talking to a guy they slept with previously, especially if they think the guy might still be interested. Jake is trying to be mature about it, but rest assured, it annoys him to no end. So good for Jake. Andy needs to respect the boundaries of your relationship. And you need to make sure he does if you’re at all serious about your relationship with Jake. We’re not saying you should never talk to Andy, but conversations should not creep into any emotional territory. Some guys might even consider it cheating. (We think that might be going a bit far, but still, think about how you might feel if the roles were reversed? THat’s a good indicator.) Does this help? Let us know if you’d like us to elaborate more, or if you have a different question.

  20. thanks for the help! And yes, you got it right. Andy is the guy I used to hook up with, and Jake is the current boyfriend. Whenever I talk to Andy it never really gets into emotional territory, we just talk a lot. I am just confused because I honestly don’t believe Andy likes me as more than a really good friend, however I do admit that it is a little weird that he likes to talk to me so much. Jake doesn’t love that I talk to him so much, but he isn’t jealous because he doesn’t need to be and I think he knows that. I just don’t know how to show Andy I don’t want to talk as much because I honestly never initiate and I don’t want to be rude and just stop answering his phone calls. I do sometimes say “I’ll call you back later, i’m with Jake”, and Andy fully knows about Jake, but he still doesn’t stop. I also think he does respect the boundaries. The other night that I mentioned in my last post was the first time he was a little too touchy for my liking, however it wasn’t anything too bad and he didn’t go any farther than light touches. It was similar to when a guy first becomes interested and is testing the waters a little bit, but he got the hint quickly and stopped. But, I also think he just was a little drunk, and wanted a little action, I didn’t take it to mean anything more than that. But am I completely wrong? The thing is I truly believe he sees me as close friend, and thats how I see him. We have a lot of fun together and we can just sit and talk for hours and hours. I won’t deny that we have a connection and probably would be great together in a relationship, but the timing was just very bad and once he told me he wanted to just be friends with benefits (like the first week we hooked up last summer) I never saw it as anything more than that and I know guys rarely change their minds. So is Jake crazy to say Andy likes me as more than a friend, or am I crazy to think that a guy would actually just want to be good friends with a girl he used to have sex with?

  21. @Sam……Well, Andy shouldn’t be touching you, especially with your history. He’s fishing for an opening. He may deny it, but he is. You need to be more clear about the boundaries. And the fact that he calls you more than you really want him to is another area where boundaries need to be clarified. Not calling him back would be a good place to start. Not to put rules into place, but if you’re talking to Andy anywhere near as much as you’re talking to Jake, something is seriously out of whack. You might not think it’s an emotional relationship, but Andy is leaning on you. Another question to ask yourself is: Would Andy really be that interested in talking with me if he had a serious girlfriend? We doubt it. And his girlfriend would not stand for it that’s for sure. Just to clarify: We think it’s great for girls to be friends with guys and vice versa. But if at anytime the friendship starts competing with the primary relationship, that’s when trouble starts. You’re already there.

  22. Okay, I get what you guys are saying. Thanks for the advice! I’m going to start toning it down with Andy. I definitely do value his friendship, but I need to start being clearer that friendship is all that it is. thanks again guys

  23. @Sam….You’re welcome. Keep us posted. Good luck.

  24. hayley-jane"janey" // July 14, 2012 at 3:47 pm //

    hi guys! I have a question that will sound so screwy but i’m going thru this crazy thing with my fwb and i really need your advice!
    i’ve been seeing a guy on and off for 6 yearz,strictly physical. the past 2 years he revealed to me that he had a girlfriend and i was the “side chick”. by this time i didnt care because our feelings for eachother bagan to deepen beyond just sex and she became less and less of an obstacle for the both of us. we have gotten closer and closer and wha-pam! Suddenly he broke up with her and revealed that he is in love with me AND he plans on us being together. we both have some financial/job/college things we have to get worked out before we can 100% put the bf/gf label on so we’ve just been enjoying eachother and the time we spend together. the frequency in which we see eachother has increased, kissing, cuddling, long conversations on phone and thru text. the whole 9! And then he drops a bomb on me: his ex-girl has a new boyfriend and she claims she has an s.t.d.(not a scary major rash/bug s.t.d. but an s.t.d. that there is no proof or way to tell who you contracted it from*h.p.v.*)so in light of news of exgirls potential s.t.d and her brand new shiny boyfriend, my guy is having inner conflict and is majorly confused. so much so that he was leaning toward going to exgirl and saying he wants to give her 100% commitment and try again with her. he and i sat in my house and had a FIVE HOUR discussion filled with tears and heartache and an undeniable air of confusion and dread over what is gonna happen next. we told eachother that we have deep feelings for eachother that are not just physical. we enjoy eachother as friends. we told eachother that we are in love with eachother and it’s beyond anything we could have imagined it to be when we first met. we left it at let’s give it a weekend and let’s process our feelings and he has to decide if he wants to try again with exgirl. i have to sit and process all we revealed to eachother and the magnitude of what’s about to happen. monday we have plans to speak again. IM IN A REAL-LIFE FRICKIN SOAP OPERA AND I NEED YOU GUYS TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO! how should i feel after all he revealed to me? What should i do with all this info? i’m a longtime lurker of this site and you guys give the best, most objective answers. thank you so much for being here as a place to go to when love has us so confused,Lol. so guys, please give me your thoughts!

  25. hayley-jane"janey" // July 14, 2012 at 3:57 pm //

    oh hey i left something out: exgirl told my guy that she got the s.t.d. from him. i think whatever my guy is feeling inside has to be fueled by some guilt because he believes he gave her a frickin disease! But hey what do i know? you guys are the experts so please helppppp!

  26. @Janey……Please clarify a few things. Does his ex-girlfriend think she got the S.T.D. from your FWB? And does that mean he possibly has something, but doesn’t know it? (You could be impacted.) Are there other girls that your FWB is involved with, or was involved with? We’re not sure who has what, and the timeline for all of it. Because if his ex’s new boyfriend gave it to her, we’re not sure why he should feel guilty? Something’s going on here. FYI: Sometimes guys can have HPV without knowing it, and it’s far less scary for them in general. (Not to scare you, but to make you aware.) And there is a vaccine as well.

  27. hayley-jane"janey" // July 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm //

    hi! im so happy you replyed! yep. when my guy came over his first sentence to me was “i’ve been told i have h.p.v.” he went on to say that ex-girl told him that she has it AND she got it from my guy. therefore, it’s possible he has it and dont know. he has known about this h.p.v. possibility for a little while but was terrified to tell me cuz he thought i’d go insane on him. he doesnt even know 100% if he has it! the h.p.v. cloud has been hanging over his head and he has been freaking himself out about it, but he kept his anguish to himself. he had not processed the feelings/emotions of the possibility of us all having h.p.v when he got hit with the news of his exgirl moving on to a new man. i get bloodwork done on my own for my own health at the beginning of every year. when i had my bloodwork done in january, nothing was off. him and i always use condoms for vaginal, we dont use condoms for oral. but back to this situation, his emotions are not like other guys. he had a childhood trauma, involving something VERY MAJOR, and because of that his emotions/feelings about anything,not just relationships, are delayed. he dumped exgirl 5months ago and just now his feelings are maybe he should go back.he grew up with her and so they have a bond. HOWEVER, when he met me we started to evolve. we were on&off for various reasons and only within the last 2 years it’s been obvious that we’re in love with eachother. trust me, we both are shocked as heck that we literally FELL in love. it just happened and now that it has….we don’t know what to do! It looked like he was so sad and pained at the thought of having passed her and i an incurable disease. but besides the guilt from that, he sees she’s with a new guy and part of him is feeling like “omg i gotta go back and really commit but wait! i’m in love with my new girl.” See? soap opera city! what are your thoughts?

  28. hayley-jane"janey" // July 14, 2012 at 5:35 pm //

    ALSO when he&i first started seeing eachother it was exgirl,me, and a few straglers (girls he slept with in passing with no commitment,one-night stand type girls)…..this is crazy the more i sit and think and think and think. Desperatly need you guys thoughts and input and advice!

  29. @Janey……We assume he contracted this from one of those “other” girls. Correct? Or at least that’s our assumption. And was he with his ex while he was sleeping with those other girls? We’re trying to figure out two things: Is he a guy you can really trust? And, where your head’s at? We’ll expand: We know you’ve been careful, so let’s say you haven’t contracted HPV from him. How do you feel about him possibly having it? And what if you have contracted it. Would that change how you feel about him? Some questions for you to consider. So……Here’s what we suggest. There are different issues going on here. One is the dark cloud in the room: the HPV, and his feelings about it: guilt, etc. And your feeling about it. The other is this guy’s state of mind. He seems confused, unsettled, and maybe not completely stable. He probably feels guilty about breaking up with his ex, but he also feels territorial since she has a new boyfriend. Both of those reasons could make him feel he wants to go back with her. And then there’s you. How does he really feel about you? His decisions about you and your relationship need to be separate from all else that’s going on. If that makes sense. Meaning, he’s got too much stuff swirling around in his head to make any sort of solid decision about your relationship. He doesn’t know which way is up. And he might feel this way for quite some time. Are you sure he’s the one for you? Even after all that’s going down?

  30. hayley-jane"janey" // July 14, 2012 at 7:43 pm //

    wow. you are right on the money about sooooo much. if what exgirl says about her having h.p.v. is true and he DID in fact give it to her….he got it before he and i started having sex. He took my virginity. As you read that, i can feel the “ohhhh janey nooooo”. And this entire time, i only have slept with him. So no im not patientX, ground zero. He grew up with exgirl so there is no telling when they started having sex.she grew up in the city my guy and i live in but she’s been away at college for longer than i’ve even known my guy! she couldve gave it to him,for all i know! you are dead-right about him feeling guilty,unsetteled and territorial all at the same time. If he has h.p.v. and i have it,or am at risk of getting it, that doesnt change my feelings for him. Hell, we can go online and research and go to the clinic together, no problem. He dropped all this info on me out of the clear-blue. there was no gradual buildup of changes in behavior. we were great just 6 days ago! Its like his mind and brain and emotions just erupted. As far as his feelings for me,i didnt know his feelings for me were/are as deep as they are. There has been a clear change,for the better, during the time we spend together. BUT there had been no declaratiions,from me or him, until this night he dropped this bomb on me. When he sat down to tell me all this stuff, i feel like he had a breakup speech prepared. he was gonna come in, say we can see eachother anymore, and that would be that. He’d go tell exgirl he wants to try again, she dumps her new boyfriend to take him back,i’d go find some other guy to be with. HOWEVER, our talk didnt go down that way. we wound up telling eachother that we have deep feelings for eachother, we are currently in love with eachother, and we care and feel for eachother past just physical. It got so emotional and passionate,tears and breathing hard and…. we almost had sex in the middle of this! It’s like ‘the notebook’ or something,it’s INSANE. we didnt have sex this night because he has things to think about and that would just confuse him more. So i pulled away {yay janey! right?} from sex that night and we parted ways, agreeing to speak again on Monday. i dont know what he has done in the meantime,like if he has called exgirl and told her he wants to try again or not. i’m a nervous wreck because i dont know what he’s gonna come to me on monday and say. bottomline is i love this man. i am in love with this man. to my surprise, this man told me he feels the exact same for me. And i want to be with him. I’d be lying if i said anything other than that. I guess now, i neead and want your suggestions/thoughts on what i should do while waiting to speak to him again on monday? And what should i say to him on monday? Knowing what you know, can you help guide me on how to preserve ME, my sanity and my heart? and if you agree, my relationship with him????????

  31. hayley-jane"janey" // July 14, 2012 at 7:51 pm //

    Just as further clarification, he DID NOT tellme he loves me to have sex or because it would lead to sex or anything like that. Looming sex had nothing to do with our declarations. we spoke for 5 hour fully clothed, not touching, not in a dark room. We sat and talked honestly,face-to-face, no music,no background tv noise. The only sound was us speaking,asking and answering questions,and telling how we feel. And we began to talk about love and how we are in love witheachother. goodgod, as i write this,still cant believe this isnt a dream,but guys help!

  32. @Janey….Well, it sounds like you truly love him, so you don’t need much guidance. Follow your heart. Your gut will tell you what to do. If Monday’s conversation doesn’t go well, then something isn’t right, even though it feels completely right to you. If he says he’s going back with his ex, then he is not the man you perceive him to be. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Hopefully, Monday’s conversation will just be a continuation of your previous conversation. Until then, give him some space—yes, we know this is extremely difficult to do—and let him come with his agenda. Then take it from there. Good luck to you. We hope this works out the way you want it to. Keep us posted and feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  33. I met a man 6 months ago while out to dinner with my family. Let’s call him Tom. Tom secretly gave me his number and we began talking. At the time I was seeing someone but we agreed to be friends. It of course quickly turned into a male tug of war where they both were fighting for me. I eventually broke it off with the person I was seeing and Tom and I started slow, really got to know each other. We didn’t even sleep together for the first 3 months, as I was not ready to jump into the physical aspect of the relationship until I knew this wasn’t going to be a fling or short lived. Once we started having sex, it of course brought us closer and about 5 months in we both said I love you.

    To preface the next phase of this, let me state I’m involved in a small theater group in my town. Everyone knows everyone there and I dated a coupled guys in there. They were short lived relationships and giving our working environment in the theater, we just went back to being friends. One of these friends and I used to do music together. Tom was very jealous of this and insisted he never wanted to see him. Well, that is hard for me, as all my friends hang out with each other. At the theater parties, my ex is likely to be there. I’m friends with his new girlfriend. He was playing bar one night and Tom came to the theater to meet me for a party. Everyone was going to hear my ex play. So I took Tom. He was rightly upset, I admitted what I did was wrong (I wasn’t sober for that decision). He broke up with me not long after. Said he couldn’t forgive me.

    Then 3 weeks later we meet up again. After he has contacted me constantly saying he still cares, doesn’t want me to move one, misses me. We meet up and we sleep together and have this long talk about how we aren’t happy with the situation, is basically felt like a new start. Then after a week, he starts picking fights with me about seeing my ex that night and breaks it off again. He says he can’t accept that kind of inconsideration from a partner. He made is sound final so I accepted things were not going to happen.

    A week goes by with no word and suddenly, he’s wanting to see me again. I’m aggravated. He won’t leave me alone and I can’t decipher if he’s really caring and missing me and just confused and hurt. The other option is he just wants sex. I deserve better than being treated like a toy he only wants to play with when the mood suits him. But he keeps saying he doesn’t want to share me. He could go to other women for sex or the internet would suffice, so why won’t he leave me alone and let me get on with my life?

  34. @Amy……No guy wants to see, or hang out with, a guy their girlfriend has had sex with. (It’s normal) But most guys try to be mature about it. (More mature than your boyfriend is being.) Two things we see. 1. He’s the jealous type. (Not necessarily bad. Shows passion if it’s not out of control.) 2. You might need to be more understanding of how a guy might feel, with you hanging out with your ex boyfriend. Sometimes people need to make choices. (Something for you to think about in the future.) Okay, moving on. His back and forth behavior is not okay. He can’t handle who you are, but he doesn’t want you to move on. He’s being territorial, partly because he’s confused. He’s trying to figure out if he can handle being with you. But frankly, his behavior is unacceptable. And you’ve done nothing wrong. He shouldn’t be accusing you of being inconsiderate. And then break up with you? That seems a bit extreme don’t you think? Is this a guy you can really trust? (Trust with your emotional well-being?) And finally to your last question: He won’t leave you alone because he still cares about you, but he doesn’t know how to be with you. He also wants sex, and it’s easier to get that from an ex, than someone random. Do you have any other questions pertaining to this topic? Feel free to ask away. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  35. I have been dating this guy one week have incredible chemistry spent nine hours with him & his 17 yr old son. He has freinds with benefits but I won’t do that I told him I am looking for a serious relationship.He says he does not want to hurt me but he has a wall up and he is going to take his time getting to know me. He has been hurt three women cheating on him. I have not slept with him, if I hold out do I have a good chance of him giving up his friends with benefits and him making me his girlfriend. Please help me

  36. @Pattie……Best advice we can give you is, slow down. It’s only been a week. See how things go. Don’t rush into a physical relationship, and let him do the initiating. And have fun! Keep us posted as this progresses.

  37. Thank you for your advice. He is the one and I know it. I am so afraid I am going to fall for him and he isn’t going to give up his friends with benefits because he has to have sex and I won’t give it to him until he gives the freinds with benefits up. I will probably wait a month and see what happens. After that I am more apt to think he just wants my body not me. But I will keep you posted. I really want to catch him.

  38. @Pattie….Okay, well good luck. Keep us posted.

  39. Hi guys,
    I have a question about FWB. For the past three months I have been have been sleeping with my best friends cousin. He is eight years younger than me (I’m 31) and have know him his whole life. We have always been flirty and stuff with each other but nothing ever came from it. However, 4 months ago we were out at a club and he told my friend that he wanted to sleep with me. I never knew this until my frind told me this at a later stage. So one night while out drinking I decide to ring him to ask him if he wanted to come over to stay, he didnt quiet believe it and so in the end he did. I thought that this was going to be just a one night thing but he text me everyday and it has now been going on close to 4 months. I said that I didnt want other people knowing because of the age difference. My problem is this, about a month in he starting sending me weird messages asking why it was that I sleeping with him and i was like because I can and that we’re having fun, to cut a long story short he started questioning everything so I decided to end it. That was fine until 3 days later he started texting me again, and lo and behold we were back on after that. I should point out that we hang out as well as sleeping together. So now last Friday evening he came over, I was badly sunburnt and I asked him to apply suncream he replied thats what people in relationships do but he ended up doing it anyway, it was agreed between the two of us the this set-up was just a bit of fun. I think am developing feelings for him but I dont think im entirely on my own here, he texts me everyday, always making sure Im ok and stuff. Surely if it was just sex with him he wouldnt be calling over every weekend ( should point out he works all over the area so is never here during the week),or texting me everyday? I know I am starting to fall for him what do you think I should do or say??Thanks

  40. @Anne…..So how does he feel about your age difference? Does it bother him? Have you talked about it? Are there kids involved?

  41. Latest update, this is about the guy I am crazy about who has FWB with other girls I have been seeing him two weeks and I am crazy for him. He says he thinks I will hold sex off for three months because I want a relationship with him. He says he is just not ready to settle down yet but he likes me the best and he said he hasn’t gone anywhere yet.He has just been hurt so bad from other women and he can’t handle that again. I don’t know if I can hold out that long. How long do you think I need to hold out to get him to have enough feelings for me to make him his girlfriend? I really think I love him.

  42. Hi, yeah we have talked about it at length, he doesn’t have a problem with the age difference at all and no there are no kids involved. I may of made him feel there would be an issue with the age thing ages ago when I mentioned that if friends found out they would be judgmental (more so towards me)but I have told him that it really doesn’t bother me.

  43. @Anne….We reread your original note to us and it just seems like he’s very hesitant and unsure about whatever is going on between the two of you. We’re not saying you should stop, we’re just saying proceed with caution. He seems skittish. Our advice: Hold off for a little while longer about your feelings. Just see how things progress and after a few more months talk to him about how you’re feeling and where things are going. Remember, he’s also pretty young. 23, right? That’s pretty young for a guy. His mind and your mind are in very different places from a developmental standpoint. Guys don’t start getting serious about much until late 20s. Of course that’s a generalization. Keep us posted and good luck. Ask another question anytime.

  44. Hi guys, thanks very much for the sound advice . Will keep you posted.

  45. @Anne….You’re welcome. Take care Anne.

  46. I met this guy last october, we played around a little and finally had sex. He made it clear that he did not want to be in a relationship because he had been in a relationship for 15 years and that he was not ready for a girlfriend. I can respect that. I thought were doing the friends with benefits, so I did not want to get feelings for someone who wasn’t interested. I met some one else about 4 months later so I broke things off. A month later he starts calling me again saying he wants to see me. I did not want to see him because I knew he did not want anything out of the relationship. I stared back seeing him because things did not work out with the other person. He says the same thing he just want a friend not a relationship, so I so OK, then it is what it is. When I meet someone else he history again. However I’m starting to notice that when he feels me pulling away he does not want to let me go. He says lets stop meeting up and having sex because he knows that people start having feelings for each other and I agreed with it. I don’t call him, he always calling me and then I return his call. I told him if that’s how he feels then he needs to be the one to leave me alone because when I tried to break things off with him he kept calling me wanting to see me. So I put the ball in his court. Now I’m starting to get some feeling for him but at the same time it is what it is. If I meet someone hes gone. How should I handle this person. If I didn’t know any better I’m almost thinking he has feelings for me. I don’t want to hurt him but at the same time. I want to protect myself.

  47. @Brett……..You should protect yourself. You see guys are territorial, even when they are the ones that don’t want a relationship. So every time you try to leave he tries to keep you put. This pattern is going to continue until you finally move on. He’s not going to be the one to end things definitively. So you need to ask yourself what you really want? Do you want to remain in limbo with a guy who is pretty much emotionally unavailable and not interested in a serious relationship, or do you want to move on and keep yourself open to new possibilities. We understand it’s easier said than done but you need to be strong and stand your ground. What do you think?

  48. sasha mahabir // August 19, 2012 at 10:15 pm //

    Hey Guys,

    So I’ve been in love With One of My Best guy friends for 5 years. It All started in 10th grade I had a huge crush on him but at the time he was in love with his girlfriend of a couple years and told that he didn’t want to mislead me and would rather become like best friends. So All 10th grade Went by & We were Closer than Ever. At the end of 10th grade I found out my mom Was sending me back to new York So we had a huge get together. Later that night I spent the night at his house and he kissed me for the first time in our whole friendship.He ended up Making Passionate love to Me that night. We Stayed awake he cooked me breakfast then we knocked out n went to dinner. On my last day there we ditched school and he took me to the movies & grabbed some Smoothies. That was our first time ever being intimate. As I went off to new York it hit me like a ton of bricks I had fell in love with my best friend. Without any control.

    About 5 months later I moved back to California and we hung out & made passionate love for 4 hours straight I was madly in love with him but all this time before and now he was still with his girl who hated me btw. Through out that year we remained intimate and thus I believe our FWB relationship formed. I learned to suppress my strong emotions for him bcuz I knew he had a girl. So I just came accustomed to our relationship and put my feelings to the backboard. I Again moved back to new York and I did this flip flop about 4 times since I met him every year I would have to move back because of me and my mother relationship.

    We lost Contact for About a Year or So between my 12 grade year and college When I met him back in 10th grade he was a senior. Currently im 21 & he’s 23. But one day in my first week of college I was at the crash boards in front of campus and he recognized me. We instantly grabbed eachother and just were so happy to have randomly found one another after all this lapsed time. We’ve always been those two who çant stop smiling around each other. We weren’t intimate actually when we ran into eachother at college that was the last time I’d see him for another year or so.

    We kept in contact through out the year or so we didn’t see eavhother, we became mutual friends on Facebook and would chat every now and then. Once he thought I was engaged and asked me if I got hitched but I didn’t. He had been In a new relationship with a girl for about 2yrs or so who really knows n seemed happy. All this time and I was still in love with him but he didn’t know.

    Last year in 2011 I came back to cali for 3 months and we finally reconnected after that long elapsed time. That night we were intimate after two years if no physical intimacy. But life went on and things stayed the same. I went back to new York and dreamt about him as I had for years. We chatted a lot and he’d give me a drunk dial every now ans then as he always did. He told me things through out my year in new York like he knows I love him in a different way but dint worry bcuz the feeling is mutual. He told me about how has life is great as far as career but he just can’t seem to get comfortable with life. He said to me you’ve always held a special place in my heart and as corny as this sounds you got this. He told me about how this relationship with his girl of the past few yrs wasn’t working out n that shes moving to la in September n that he’s pretty much accepted it. Things like that to make my mind wonder does he have feelings for me.

    So in June of This year 2012 as he told me all those things stated above he invited me to our mutual bestfriends bday in vegas. Two days later I booked my flight and hotel. He was ecstatic! But as life throws us curve balls he got a second dui and couldn’t go. I became upfront and told him I was bumbed because he was the real reasin I was visiting. Things in new York weren’t going so well in my life so I canceled my trip packed my bags stuffed them in my car and drove 3000 miles to California. I made a final decision I was moving back to cali and this time was for good.

    My first day back he was the first person I saw we went to the movies but not alone. Me him and his friend ivan went. Things were cool but no intimacy involved not even a kiss.I’ve been back for a month and a half now and we just saw eachother for the second time this past Friday. As I’ve been in love with him for sooo long without telling him to the point where all my friends just know I love him no questions asked I told myself that this is my make it or break it moment. I’m here to stay in cali for good I’m not leaving at all not what so ever. I found a good job and am moving in with my best girlfriend who lives up my street. Things r coming into place and I come to realize I can no longer continue with these feelings I need to tell him how I feel so either we can build together or I can move on with life and disregard my emotions.

    So this Friday Me and My Girl were having a get tiheger at her apartment just a group of 7 of us & he calls me so I invite him over. He came with his friend and we all were having a blast drinks and other things. The night was awesome with tons of great convo. But sure enough later that night I’m inthe restroom and he starts pushing up on me and we began to make out it stated to get intense so I told him no OK sorry because I can no longer have sex with u. He persisted to ask why. & as the pressure built I blerted out its because I love you I’m in love with you. He instantly reacted with r you serious stop playing with me and I said no I’m serious ive had strong feelings for you for years and I love the person I know u to be and I want to love the person your becoming. I’m telling you this because your my friend and I can’t keep complicsting things with sex it. I’m telling you this not to scare u but because I need to know whether I should move forward with these feelings or move on. He then told me that he didn’t know what to say that he’s never had a woman tell him anything like that but he likes it he really likes it. I left the bathroom and went into my friends bathroom a little freaked out about finally telling him. He came in and laid down ans asked me to lay on his chest. He then told me he just doesn’t understand how. I didn’t know what to say to that. As we laid there we help eachother and kissed passionately. He persisted to be intimate with me and we had a level of intimacy. He stopped and said u know what I could finish this but I’m going to wait. I’m going to get a hotel later today and I ope that you’ll be there. I’m going to get it in the early evening and we can continue this. I said OK as I would. We went out to the front of the house he said he’ll contact me later we kissed goodbye and went on with our days. He texted me around 4pm and asked me what was up. He told me he woke up depressed. I asked him if he was okay and why what was wrong. He just said he was having trouble waking up t! oo much coke we did the night before. I related and told him I know how u feel I just started feeling better. After that I didn’t hear from him the whole day. I know he went out that night cuz our mutual friend posted a few pictures of them at a party.

    Today is Sunday and I haven’t heard a word from him I know he knows and I know he remembers but I dont know what he’s thinking feeling or if he even cares. All that keeps replaying in my head is him saying I just don’t understand how? And maybe I shouldn’t have blerted it out to him and maybe I shouldn’t have been intimate. I’m so confused and I dint know how to judge this or what to do. Please help me get some clarity.

    Thank you,


  49. @Sasha……..Wow, that’s a story. Okay, if he doesn’t step up to the plate soon you’ll have your answer. Meaning, your confession deserves some sort of response, and sooner rather than later. He’s had plenty of time to truly know how he feels about you, so if he doesn’t tell you soon that he feels the same way, it’s probably not going to happen. But let’s digress for a moment: What you need to do is remove the sex from the equation. Him wanting to have sex with you has NOTHING to do with whether or not he wants a relationship with you. They are separate, and FWB doesn’t typically lead to something serious. The other thing that bothers us in this story is the other girl, his girlfriend. Once again, he was being intimate with you but still going out with her. Isn’t that called cheating? That seems to us to be a serious red-flag. Maybe it didn’t bother you because you were in love, but it certainly doesn’t reflect well on his character. (We cut him a little slack because he was young, but only a little) So that’s our take. It may not have been what you wanted to hear, but it’s better to get an honest opinion wouldn’t you say? So what do you think? And what is your gut telling you to do? And finally, what do your friends say? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. We honestly hope the best for you.

  50. sasha mahabir // August 20, 2012 at 5:52 pm //

    Hey Guys!

    Thank you so much your advice and input I deeply appreciate it! Yes I know what a story, the chapters of my love life lol. But yes I agree it is better to hear the truth rather then a sugar coated version of reality. I agree with you guys 100% when it comes to his response I believe that telling someone you love them isn’t something u should just over look its to be taken seriously and handled respectfully especially when your friends with someone. I’m thinking of giving him his space to really contemplate on things without pressure as im trying to be iderate to him as my friend as well. I’d say if I haven’t heard from him in two weeks like not even a text to see how I’m doing or anything then I’m going to call him and ask him if what I said meant nothing to him and how does he feel about what I said and us…do you think that’s a good idea or should I give him more time? Secondly my next concern is what if he didn’t believe me we were all drinking it was my first time doing coke everyone else was on it too, my confession was a 200% honest and real I had planned to tell him the next time we hung out which happened to be then but he did state that he just didn’t understand how? Which makes me wonder if all those factors plus that non understanding could cause him to just not really believe me. What do you think? I have no problem reassuring him that what I say and feel is real.
    You are
    As well i do agree that he has had a lot of time to know how he truly feels about me and at this point the truth is what truly shall set me free. I just want to know if he has any feelings for me in such a way and if he’d like to explore them and see if we can build something great and as well if he does not feel anything in that direction towards me. I just want to move forward or move on with these emotions because they’re breaking me down and hurting me inside. If he doesn’t feel anything I will be hurt no doubt about it and I will have to sepetate myself from our friendship for a while but it’ll be what I need to move on.

    You are absolutely correct when it comes to the sex aspect that has nothing to do with whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with me it just hurts to think maybe that’s all he sees with me. My friends think that it was good to finally get it off but as u guys say I just gotta give it a little time to know what’s real. Its very true tho the girlfriend thing didn’t bother me before because I was so young and in love hut now at this point in our lives he doesn’t have girlfriend or commitment And we no longer gave a distance that’ll remain between us because I’m here for good so this is why I felt like u know what 5 years is way too long n overdue secondly I’m here now and the only thing thats holding me back is holding it in now its time to see where he takes his stance.

    I’m scared right now full with anxiety but my guts telling me that maybe this isn’t going to be the per say ‘rags to riches’ story im dreaming of. He’s a ladies man and he probably won’t want me idk I have so much thoughts hope and doubt so idk where this will go but I’m hoping I can take the right steps to get the answers I need whether they’re good or bad. So o have a few questions scattered in this message and I hope u guys can give me a little input and direction on how to go about them.

    Thank you guys you are truly amazing!! I appreciate you!

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