Friends with Benefits or more; I’m afraid to ask

Would you like to ask THE GUYS a question? Book your one on one conversation with THE GUYS via email. Click the Ask a Private Question button to get started. Not sure? (Read testimonials on our Relationship Coaching/Advice page.)

___________________

Hi Guys,

I’ve been involved in e a FWB for about four months now. We talk or text daily. He has stayed the night a few times. Until recently it has been sexual but the last few times he’s come over we’ve just watched a movie or talked. We don’t see each other very often maybe, twice a month. We both have kids from previous marriages so we are very busy.

I’m confused. Do you think he wants more or less? To be honest I’m a little afraid to ask because I’m not sure I will like either answer.

Help,

Jen

Dear Jen,

We understand. However, before you ask him what he wants maybe you need to clarify what it is you want. Do you want the relationship to progress into something more serious? Or do you just want to see him more often?

Since we don’t have a lot of information about your relationship and since we can’t read his mind we’ll give you a general overview of what he’s likely thinking and feeling. We’re going to break it down for you and give you the reasons he may want a relationship or he may not.

These are generalizations and do not hold true for all guys. 

Pro Relationship:

-He’s a bit younger. Late 20s- early 30s. Or older. Mid-50s and up.

-He’s been divorced for a long time. Over 5 years. (Sometimes over 3 years.)

-His wife dumped him or cheated on him.

-His kids are younger and he’s looking for someone to co-parent with him.

-He’s hinted about moving the relationship forward. (Actually talked about it with you.)

Not looking for a Relationship, just a FWB:

-Recently divorced. (In the last 3 years or so)

-He left his wife. Now wants his freedom.

-He’s in his late 30s t0 early 50s. (Looking to be sleep around, wants to keep his independence.)

-Doesn’t see you that often and doesn’t ask to see you more.

-Doesn’t talk about what he does when he’s not with you.

So here’s the thing Jen. Friends with Benefits aren’t always just about sex. Sure that’s usually the incentive, but basically the arrangement is about fulfilling needs without commitment. Needs could be physical, but could also be emotional. He may need sex, but he may also just need to feel connected to a woman. The fact that he’s coming over to talk or hang out doesn’t mean he wants more. (We’re not saying he doesn’t, but those are not necessarily signs that he does.)

So what is a sign?

Well, him talking about it. If he hasn’t brought it up it probably means he’s happy with how things are.

So what’s your plan? (Leave us a comment or a follow-up question below.)

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

_________________________

To read more relationship advice and dating advice about Friends with Benefits visit our site. Check out our e-report on the topic.

 

 

4 Comments on Friends with Benefits or more; I’m afraid to ask

  1. Peaches chatmon // October 25, 2018 at 5:22 pm //

    Hi
    Been talking to this guy for 6 months he’s 2 hours away so I take the ride due to our work schedules and I have children at home. So when we started our sexual relationship I knew that’s all it would be because I was moving more than a1000 miles away but that quickly changed and he was made aware. But I continue to take that ride to see him either weekly or every other week. We don’t talk much on the phone and our text messages can be daily or sometimes it’s a few days before we chat. We haven’t gone on any dates nor have smwe set any rules. We started out with unprotected sex and that continues I stay the night we greet each other with a kiss and hug watch tv play pool or talk for hours before we head to bed. Our work schedule and the distance I think is making it hard to figure out what this is and if I want something serious. I just need help with making the decision to talk about this with him.

  2. @Peaches…..How did your sexual relationship start? Did he ask for this type of arrangement? Also, do you know if he’s seeing anyone else?

  3. Peaches chatmon // October 25, 2018 at 10:22 pm //

    It started with a pic of his male part that I asked to see then a few days later he asked me if I wanted to come over and I agreed. We talked for 2-3 hours before heading up to bed. We never discussed anything it just happened.

  4. @Peaches…..Thanks for filling us in. Well, if it’s never been discussed and he hasn’t brought it up, then it’s likely that he’s happy with the arrangement. That doesn’t mean he won’t be happy taking the relationship to a more formal level, but in our experience, if the guy hasn’t initiated it probably means he doesn’t want something more. Which means you have two choices. 1. Leave things as they are and slowly become frustrated and possibly resentful. 2. Bring up the topic. Of course, if you bring it up, you do risk losing him, so you have to think that out. What do you think? (If you do decide to go for it, we’d do it AFTER sex, maybe the next day when his hormones are NOT raging and he can think clearly. Not immediately after though.) Make sense? ps. For more details about the way a guy’s mind works, please check out our book on Amazon, Inside Your Guy’s Mind. And a positive review would be fabulous. Thanks!

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.


Maximum comment length is 1500 characters.

*