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Friends with Benefits: Why Me?

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Dear Guys,

Okay, so I have this guy friend, and we’ve been friends for about 5 years now. Over the course of the 5 years I’ve always had a little crush on him. He’s always been flirty with me but I never thought anything of it because I was unsure if he was just a flirty guy, or if he liked me. I just assumed he was a flirty guy to spare my feelings.

Well, up until now we’ve never been single at the same time. He sent me a text the other day basically asking if I wanted to add sex into our friendship. While I am all for having “no strings attached sex” I am a little confused as to why he would ask ME for that. He knows other women, so why bother asking me? We have conflicting schedules with work so the likelihood of us really having sex often is slim.

Is this his way of trying to get closer to me? Thanks for the advice!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

Your friend asked you for sex because feels comfortable with you, and he knows you well enough to know it will be an easy arrangement with no drama. However, this does not mean we (THE GUYS) think this is a good idea. In fact the first thing that came to our minds when we read your question was: be careful and proceed with caution.

His proposal almost sounds like a business proposal to us; except that a physical relationship with someone, especially a long time friend, is ripe for disaster. And since it sounds like you have actual romantic feelings for him, this could get confusing pretty quickly. Let’s be clear Sarah: He isn’t trying to begin an actual relationship with you that might progress towards something serious; he’s asking you for sex. The two couldn’t be more different. Sure, this does mean he’s attracted to you—although guys will have sex when they can get sex— but it also says something else is missing for him, otherwise he might actually be asking you out on a date.

Only you will know if you feel comfortable and strong enough to go forward with this arrangement. It’s your decision obviously. But please think long and hard before you embark on a path that you’ll never be able to reverse.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

49 Comments on Friends with Benefits: Why Me?

  1. @Tiny……Yes, he has all the power. You’re not an idiot by any means but you enabled him to gain control and now you’re kind of stuck with the present dynamic, which we doubt will change considering the circumstances of your arrangement. It happens. Sometimes unexpectedly like in your case so don’t beat yourself up over this. Our take: This arrangement has run its course. Move on if you can. This is only going to be more detrimental to your emotional well-being.

  2. Thanks for this.
    Funny thing is I said that exact phrase to him recently – ‘it’s run it’s course’ and he disputed this and said he disagreed and enjoyed what we had and didn’t want to end it. I think it’s clear why huh?!
    Thanks again for making it absolutely clear and Wish me luck in breaking the cycle!!

  3. So, i also have a question…about a year ago my little brother moved here with a few of his best friends. Well one of them, it turns out, is exactly my age, same day and year. I thought he was sexy as soon as i saw him. We’ve had some bonding moments, he broke his arm and had to have surgery and all his friends went to go skate an what not so i stayed over night with him so he wouldnt have to be alone. Well we ended up sharing a lot about ourselves. We’ve done that kind of thing a few times. Hes had two gfs come live with him, but they didnt work out. Well he spent christmas here by himself, so he hung out with my family amd we ended up getting into a texting convo about being fwbs…and i agreed. even though i had a little crush on him, i still that he was dead sexy! turns out hes also amazing in bed and im hooked. we’ve had some times where we’ve hung out together since then and he always flirts with me, gives me a hard time when we do stuff but hes always smiling. We’ve even had some texts after hooking up where we talked about our fears and what we want out of life and stuff…well now im kinda developing more real feelings for him, and im not sure if he is developing any for me or not. He mentioned before any of this ever got started that hes just awful with relationships. But i have a son and this guy loves him, has bought him toys and what not…idk what to do!! HELP!

  4. @Jo……..You better have a conversation with this guy ASAP, especially since your son is involved. Transitioning from a FWB arrangement to a committed relationship isn’t easy to do. So we urge you to start talking about all of this. (Your feelings, what you want, what he wants) In the future: You might not want to involve your son with guys you’re dating until you know for sure the guy is here to stay. Good luck.

  5. Hey guys…

    So I have been sleeping with a co-worker for a little over a year now although our hook-ups are random and irregular (it has never really been an every week kinda deal). I’m 21 and he’s 28 and since we work together, we hang with a lot of the same friends.

    We’ve never established ground rules at any time for our ‘relationship’ and it seemed as if we were both fine with the way things were going… I am in no place to commit to a full-fledged relationship anytime soon.

    I realize now (far too late) the importance of setting ground rules in FWB types of relationships and I am struggling to establish what this relationship means to him a year later. I am still in no position to commit to anything, and I don’t feel that he is/wants to either, but he literally does not speak every time I ask him his thoughts/feelings on what’s going on. I have told him (without knowing what his thoughts/feelings are) that I do not want a relationship, I am not asking him to be exclusive to me only and that I wouldn’t mind seeing him more often…strictly to have some fun. His response? To make a joke out of it by saying that he’s seen a movie called friends with benefits and it seems kinda confusing. What does this imply?

    NOW to add to the situation…I’ve slept at his house twice this past week (once on Valentine’s day although I’m not implying anything by stating this) and we didn’t have sex either day (just didn’t happen… is that weird on its own??… is this not supposed to be a FWB relationship where the purpose is to have sex?!) Instead, I laid in his arms and said again…. “I just want to know how you feel about everything” and he laid there quietly for a few minutes, finally saying “I don’t know,” pulled me closer, and kissed me quite passionately until we fell asleep. Still, the question remains unanswered…

    There are a few more things to add… One of our mutual friends is down-right in love with me and he knows this… We hooked up one night with this mutual friend kinda knowing about it (weird situation)… Do you think this has anything to do with my FWB not wanting to talk about feelings?

    AND, he’s also slept with another co-worker we obviously both know…in the last month… which only bothers me because I know about it and I kinda feel foolish just for knowing this and yet, not minding and still wanting to message him.

    As far as feelings for him goes, I honestly don’t think I have fallen for him unless its my own way of protecting myself for the time being. I do not want a relationship and I actually, at this time, can’t even picture having a real one with him… I just want sex and he’s making it 1000 times harder than it needs to be.

    Lastly, I’ve made it very clear that he can be honest and no feelings will be hurt. If you don’t want to, just say…if you do, then say that too. But he is saying NOTHING….

  6. @Confused….Are you being honest with yourself? Are you sure you don’t want more with this guy? It just seems like you’re investing a lot of thought and energy into figuring this out. If you didn’t really care, and it was just about sex, you’d either move on and find someone else, or you’d accept it as it is. You’re not doing that. So what’s the story? As per this guy. Even if you do decide you want a relationship he may not be the guy. We’re not really seeing this transition into anything more serious. But stranger things have happened.

  7. I guess I ask myself that, too… Why do I want these answers if it really is just about sex? And if I don’t get the answers or care what the answer actually is, why am I frustrated with this?

    I guess it really comes down to not knowing where I stand with him… No, there doesn’t have to be a label on what this is but I want to know if I am bothering him or just his general thoughts about the arrangement. I just want more communication, really…

    In regards to whether or not I’m being honest to myself, there’s a chance I’m not…but like I said, even if I did want a relationship, it probably wouldn’t be with him. I guess I must have some level of care for him as its been a whole year and we’ve had extremely intimate nights together… but do I actually want more? I don’t think I can say that I do at this time.

    His lack of communication is what confuses me… Why can’t he just speak instead of avoiding or ignoring just so I know what he wants, too as its not just about me and what I want.

  8. @Confused…….As you describe this we can’t help thinking that an actual relationship with this guy would be a nightmare for you. If the lack of communication bothers you now, imagine how it would feel if you were really involved? Yikes. We just don’t think you’re going to get the answers you seek.

  9. Hi. So I met this guy at my job a year ago. We started talking but i wasnt 100% single and later I found out neither was he. But we went on many dates when we first met and tried to have sex a few months after but he backed out and it was because he wasnt single. We stopped talking for 2 months then he emailed me back and said he was single now and wanted to meet. Within the past 6 months when weve met it was just sex at his place and we dont hang out at all anymore. I was wondering what is going through his head and why its only fwb now and what he thinks of me.

    Angela

  10. @Angela…….What’s going on is exactly what’s going on. He enjoys your company but doesn’t want more than a sexual relationship. Are you okay with this?

  11. Suzanne // March 6, 2013 at 2:44 am //

    I have this freind for over 17 years, the early statges of our meeting he wanted more and i refused for i was too young then.. and after more than 10 years we meet again his 6months single and i one year single and we have gone out to numerous dates outings alone together with his and my friend and yet we still call eachother simply friends we have already had sex together and do everything else together he calls everyday to check up on my happenings AM Confused is this becoming to be more than just friends with benefit or am i fooloing myself into believing that.i am interested in a real relationship

  12. @Suzanne….When you say he’s six months single is that from a relationship or a divorce?

  13. Hi,
    I too could do with advice on this fwb scenario never tried b4 and after reading many of the post it would seem my situation is different as we we’re not friends to start with.
    After being single for over a year, I decided I wanted to start dating again but being a single mum found it hard meeting someone so I tried the dating sites.
    I quickly met a guy who seemed everything I was looking for, though he made it very clear he wasn’t wanting a full blown relationship, at first I felt the same and so agreed to become involved in a fwb with him.
    When we’re together he’s very attentive, smelling my scent, caresses me with touch, we slept together and he’d sleep over, cuddling me through the nite.
    I found myself becoming fond of him and told him maybe we should stop as I knew he didn’t want this!
    I did stop it but he chased me asking that we continue.
    Talked of being exclusive to each other asking to be tested to remove protection when we sleep together, I told him this meant serious things for.me.personally and we shouldn’t rush but he said with me this could be quick and he kept saying he wanted.
    After we’d sleep together each time he’d go quiet for a.while, not completely he would reply to messages but with no feeling, until he next wanted sex when again all messages would be full of thought and meaning.
    I tried to stop seeing him again, this time we didn’t speak for over a month, then out of the blue he messages me asking how I was, telling me he’d wished we could continue as we had, that he enjoys my company but can’t put feelings into it.
    Because I do like him I foolishly agreed again and started seeing him again.
    I tried to be less attentive myself, though when we last slept together after he wanted my touch, I kept at a distance though he’d pull me closer wanting my contact.
    We have many hobbies in common and recently he wanted us to enjoy one together.
    I don’t no what to do, I am having feelings for him, but I’m very aware of his comment that he wants to avoid feelings !! Then I remember the comment of when he’s ready to date we’d have to stop!! To me this said I wasn’t ever going to be the girl he’d want more from??
    But his actions say different, he admitted he’s very contradicting in many areas of his life!!
    I will just say last time I was at his house he openly left his email page on his computer, I didn’t look lol not that type, but this is something most people in situations like this wouldn’t do isn’t it??
    Anyway am I being a typical woman wanting to believe this will change when really it won’t?
    Your advice greatly appreciated.

  14. @Mac……We’re sorry, but this is very unlikely going to change. The pattern you’re seeing is very common in this type of situation. When the guy wants sex he’s all attentive and loving, but right after he grows distant and seems to change. You also need to listen to his words. He’s being very clear about what he wants and doesn’t want. One thing you need to understand is that he’s not going to put an end to this unless he finds himself with another woman, and even then he might not. It’s going to be up to you to move on. And that’s what we would suggest. But it’s up to you. Good luck.

  15. Christienna // April 4, 2013 at 5:36 pm //

    Hi! I guess my question is why was I put into the friends with benefits category? Is it because there is something wrong with me? I was friends with benefits with a guy for over 5 months. The 6th month I decided to cut off the sex and just be friends. We stayed friends, he contacted me daily, but never initiated seeing me. I was expecting because we texted everyday even though the sex has stopped that maybe he had feelings for me, and would ask me to see a movie or something. But he didn’t. We just continued to text everyday to no avail. He took me out once, months ago and we linked arms. We never went out again. He tells me everything, he asks my opinion on things, and it seems he likes me, but I know he doesn’t because otherwise he would make plans to see me. My friend called him pretending to be a girl from his class and asked him if he wanted to grab lunch and he accepted. At first I thought maybe he was socially shy but no I see he can go out if he really wanted to. So why is it so hard for him to ask me for simple coffee or a drink? It really depresses me, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I think I am pretty, dress well, smart, funny. I feel that I am his back pocket girl. Like I will never be his girlfriend or anything serious. It shouldn’t take 6 months for us to progress. I feel like if it hasn’t happend at this point, it won’t ever happen. Why doesn’t he like me if he wants to hear from me everyday? why am I still in the friends with benefits zone? I don’t understand it.

  16. @Christienna…….Okay, slow down. Don’t fret. We’re sure you’re all those things: Smart, funny, interesting, beautiful. But this guy doesn’t see it. And this arrangement has not been good for your self-esteem. That’s why you need to move on. This is going nowhere. You need to find a guy who loves and respects you the way you love and respect him. You deserve more than this. And for future consideration: Stay away from FWB. They only lead to confusion and heartache. (At least for most women.) Hang in there.

  17. Ok, so I have been sleeping with this guy for a few weeks and all of the sudden we just stopped having sex and all he does is text me. He first told me the day after the first time that he doesn’t want a relationship, which confused me because he was talking to this girl that lives across the hall from me. But lately he has been telling me the reason he isn’t wanting to have sex is because he is going through a lot right now. The only time he says he wants sex is when he is either to drunk to come get me or when he is out of town. Never when he is sober or in town. But he text me everyday and if I don’t respond he’ll text me something else. But recently I told him I figured he was done with me and I was going to someone else and he told me he is not done with me that he is going throw so much. And to be honest I don’t care about what is going on in his life I just want to sleep with him. Is he getting feelings after the few times we’ve had sex or is he no longer interested in having sex and just wants to be friends?

  18. @Megan…..The question is: What do you want? If it’s a relationship with this guy it’s probably not going to happen. If it’s occasional sex with a drunk guy, then yes, proceed forward. You deserve better than this.

  19. Kathleen // April 30, 2013 at 2:26 am //

    Ok, I do have a question. You see, I have a problem (at least I think I do), because I have a real good tendency to become “one of the guys” in a way, but I get asked by most to be friends with benefits. I think part of the problem is that I mesh well in the group (very much into comic-books and video games), but I never thought it would be a problem. So many of my friends will ask me separately to be friends with benefits, but if I ever like a guy… Nothing happens or it’s the same. I “make a great friend”.
    I thought that maybe I should be more “girly”, but I don’t necessarily want to change myself, and lie about my interests just to get a guy.
    I don’t know:( advice?

  20. @Kathleen……Just keep being yourself. Don’t change. There’s no need. The only thing you need to change is the guys you’re meeting. Try meeting some people outside your group. Join some other club, a dating site, or take a class, join a book club, whatever. Good luck.

  21. Okay I’m friends with benefits with this guy and now he’s ignorning me out of nowhere he still follows me on Instagram and likes my pictures but he took his kik off his bio and changed his kik photo to no photo at all and all my messages to him say s(sent) what does that mean ?

  22. @Elle…It means that friends with benefits is a bad idea. There are no rules. It’s like the wild wild west.

  23. Hey guys,
    So my current..flame(?) and I started talking when he messaged me on facebook. We were both starting our sophomore years in college and we haven’t talked since high school. We also actually hated each other in high school, so it was the first time we were actually getting to know each other. He was also just getting out of a 2 year relationship. Anyway, we were facebook chatting for hours at a time until Winter break. Right after New Years, we exchanged numbers and saw a movie together…with his best friend. I instantly thought he just wanted to be friends but after the movie he texted me to make plans to have a Netflix night. So two days later I went to his house and we “watched a movie” aka we had sex the first night we were alone together. That continued until he asked me to go on a date with him so I thought like maybe he wanted more than just sex. We went on two “official dates” over Winter break but then I went back to school and he stayed home because he was going to BMT for the Air Force. He visited me at school twice before he left for Texas (one of the visits was for Valentines day) and the only thing that we said about him leaving was that he’d text me when he had his phone. I was too afraid to ask any questions about what he wanted after all of his training was done. While he was gone, we wrote each other letters and he called me a few times, it was disgustingly adorable. Anyway, now he is at technical school in Mississippi, we are from PA, and we’re talking regularly again and he always refer to things we’ll do together when he comes home. He was also super adorable and sent me a birthday package. However, lately he hasn’t seemed as interested. I hate myself for this part but he often “likes” other girls pictures on instagram and facebook. I hate being jealous, but I feel like its just because he’s away and I’m feeling really insecure. I feel like I need to ask him exactly what he wants to happen with us when he comes home from technical school and I need to express how I feel as well. I’m the worst communicator, but I don’t want to be stuck in the friends with benefits cycle that I am constantly allowing myself to be in. I was wondering if you guys could help me figure out a way to bring up the hard topic of “what do you want to come out of this”? Sorry this comment is kind of all over the place, I usually type the way I talk hahaha I’d really appreciate advice from a male perspective, my girl friends advice is usually “he looooves you, omg you’re crazy!” and that clearly isn’t real advice. Thank you!

  24. @J$$$…….You’re right, your friends are being supportive, but they’re not giving you the whole picture. That said, he sounds like he’s into you. But since the two of you have never officially become a couple he doesn’t feel the need to communicate all of the time, and doesn’t feel guilty about flirting with other girls. (If that’s all he’s doing.) Our advice: You definitely need to talk with him. If for no other reason than to get it off your chest. How do you bring it up? We can’t give you the words but we can say it’s best to bring it up OUTSIDE of the bedroom, or removed from any sort of sexual situation. That way everyone’s head is straight. Basically, don’t use sex to get the answer you’re hoping for. If he’s really horny, he’ll do or say anything to get sex. (Yes, even good guys do this) So, maybe get that part out of the way when you see him. And then talk to him the next day. Have lunch. Or go for a walk. And just bring it up. Tell him you care about him and would like to be committed to him. Don’t put pressure on him. Just tell him how you feel and see what he says. And if he doesn’t say much ask him where he stands and what he wants. If he starts making excuses, you’ll have a pretty good idea where he stands. Excuses range from: I’m just not ready. I need more time. I’m really busy. Just wait until i finish training. Etc. Etc. Etc. And if he doesn’t make excuses, all the better. Questions?

  25. Here is the story:
    I was in graduate school and he was working on a law degree. I met him for the first time last November and a week later, I found myself in bed with him. After a few more sessions, we agreed to be open and tell one another if we were going to be sleeping with anyone else. However, we both stated that we had no plans of being with anyone other than each other. Going to a small school meant I saw him all the time in the hallways, common rooms, and library. Being in law school meant he was constantly studying. When he was not studying, he was with me. He went out with my friends and me a few times, and my friends were under the impression he genuinely liked me, as was I.

    During this time, I was unclear of where I would be after my graduation. Would I go back home across the country, stay, or travel? When I asked him after 4 months of dating where he saw us going, he said he had not thought about it. I told him I couldn’t keep sleeping with him if we were just going to fade away after I graduated. I was looking out for my future self. He said he cared about me, but did not have any feelings (What?!). He went into depth about how he had no feelings about anything in life. He has national exams coming up in the next few months, and for some reason I believe that once that stress is gone, he will begin to see “us” more clearly. We agreed to try and stay friends. Where was my self-esteem?

    So, we stopped hanging out. One of his friends told me he didn’t eat for two days after we “broke up.” Everything came so easy between us. It bothered me that he said he had no feelings for me. If he didn’t have feelings, he would not have woken me up in the middle of the night to tell me he missed him during winter break or spend every minute with me.
    Two weeks before I went home, we started hanging out again-sleeping together and all. Now that I am back home, he calls me once a week and sends me text messages. I send messages also, but avoid calling him. Last week, I went back to school for a week for a test prep course, and spent time with him hanging out, watching movies, sleeping together, and cuddling. Mid-week, I saw a message from his roommate, asking if we were together. He responded, “just friends.” Yes, we were friends with benefits to the max. After watching a movie with us, his roommate asked us if we would come visit him in a new city he was moving to several times. I don’t think he fully believed we were “just friends” after seeing how we interacted.

    How did I put myself into this situation? His roommates and my friends have asked if we were back together. Problem is, I still like the guy. Pitiful, I know-liking someone who does not like you back. Before I left, he offered numerous times to take me to the airport at 3 am, although I had already worked out the arrangement with someone else. I hate how I have led myself on. He has already clearly stated his feelings; however, his actions speak so much more loudly. I have to constantly remind myself that he has no feelings even though I don’t believe it. I will be moving back to the same area in a few months to take a job. Any advice?

  26. @Jen……It’s possible he’s not very in touch with himself, and he actually does have feelings for you. However, you still need to listen to his words. His actions could just mean he’s horny and lonely. (Calling and texting. It’s like extended foreplay.) You can learn real truth AFTER the two of you have had sex. That’s when his brain is the “Clearest.” So unless he says otherwise we think you need to proceed as if he has “no feelings” for you, except the sexual kind. Good luck.

  27. Hey guys, I have a question. I emailed you last year about a guy I had a long term FWB situation with that moved away. We hadn’t spoken really since he left, as I was using the distance to let go/get over him. Out of the blue, he contacts me on Facebook and asked me to come visit him. I told him maybe, but I told him it depended on when. He said sometime this summer, and I told him I probably couldn’t. I suggested the fall or even Christmas, but he said he didn’t want to commit to anything too far out, on the off chance of either one of us meeting someone else. I’m not interested in being a backup plan, so why ask me to even visit?

    Thanks in advance.

  28. About 7 years ago, I began a friendship with a co-worker that was 9 years older than me. We began talking and spending time together, and it developed into something more, the problem was that he had a girlfriend at the time. We got closer and as he became serious with her, he cut me out of his life. Fast forward to 2009, he now has a daughter and is engaged to be married. Then, his Fiancee cheats on him, and they break off the relationship. He hunts me down and we hanging out again. After, a month or two, we have sex for the first time. He tells me that he knew that at some point we would be together. Then, as we start getting closer, he pulls. I stop texting and communicating with him, and it takes him a month to ask me to do something with him again. At that point, I got the vibe since he just got out of a relationship he wanted to date around, so I just stopped talking to him altogether. Like 3 months later, I meet someone and we start dating. 3 months later, we move in together. 3 months later, he contacts me again and I let him know that I am in a relationship with someone. He is upset and jealous. He tries to convince me that he is the better choice and that he would do everything for me that my current bf is not. This goes on for about 3 months. Unfriends me on Facebook and we stop talking again for 10 months and he contacts me around my birthday. He sends me all these texts around my birthday that are personal and sweet and that he cares about me and misses me. We start talking through online messages only, he seems upset that I still haven’t reached out to him or want to see him. He tells me I have a special place in his life and that he is bound to me and couldn’t give up on me even if he wanted to. 50 messages later, he friend requests me on Facebook on March of 2013. It’s June, and we hung out last week for the first time in like 3 years. We watched a movie, and it kinda seemed like a date. We fell right into the same groove, still flirty and touchy. I am in a relationship that isn’t going too well. He is dating someone that he said, “Is just dating, and is definitely not serious.” But, he still has a picture of her on his phone. He says he doesn’t want a relationship, because his life is good right now and he is trying to finish his degree and get a place of his own. He wants us to be more than friends and have sex and do “relationship” type things without a relationship. I told him that was insane, because you can’t control someone’s feelings just because you don’t want a relationship. He respects my decision but disagrees. I actually loved him at one point and I have really liked him forever. What does he want from me? Should I remain friends with him?

  29. @L……That’s a good question. Probably one you need to think about before you visit. If we were guessing guys we’d say he’s lonely and horny.

  30. @Jess……Don’t you think you owe it to your boyfriend to figure out that relationship first before you start in with this other guy? After you resolve that, then you can give this some consideration. What does this guy want? He wants a FWB arrangement. Not the best situation for you. Our advice: This is going nowhere. If you want some hurt, confusion, and anger in your life, then he’s perfect for you. Otherwise we’d pass.

  31. Okay here’s the thing. My neighbor for 3 years got a new roommate, the roommate and I hit it off greatly the first few days, same likes, dislikes, interests, we have great conversations. But I was dating a guy, broke up with him and the roommate swooped in. He had asked all sorts of questions about my bf, wondered how serious we were..ect. When I broke it off with my bf, the roommate was quick to swoop in with nice things to say, smiles, flirting blah blah blah. I had told him no, too much on my plate and we stayed friends. A few days later, we got drunk and he ended up telling me how much he liked me blah blah blah and I fell for it and we hooked up. The next day he said all sorts of things like how amazing it was being next to me and never felt this blah blah blah. I shrugged it off because my neighbor had warned me he was a player. Over the next few days we didn’t talk about it but kept hanging out without any more physical contact. He came up and

  32. Okay here’s the thing. My new neighbor and I hit it off greatly the first few days, same likes, dislikes, interests, we have great conversations. But I was dating a guy, broke up with him and the neighbor swooped in. He had asked all sorts of questions about my exbf, wondered how serious we were, talking him down haha..ect. When I broke it off with my bf, the neighbor was quick to swoop in with nice things to say, smiles, flirting blah blah blah. I had told him no, too much on my plate and we stayed friends. A few days later, we got drunk and he ended up telling me how much he liked me blah blah blah and I fell for it and we hooked up. The next day he said all sorts of things like how amazing it was being next to me and never felt this and it was kinda weird but cute. I shrugged it off because my neighbor had warned me he was a player. Over the next few days we didn’t talk about it but kept hanging out without any more physical contact. He came up one day and asked if something was wrong and I laughed n said no, I just had lots of stuff going on in my life. And he said he was worried I was upset about him and me not talking about our “thing”. I assured him nothing was wrong which it wasn’t, he took that and our conversation got interrupted. The next day I texted him and told him “it’s okay if you just want to be friends, I think that was what you were leading up to yesterday haha”, he came up to my apartment sat down and told me straightforward that that wasn’t it, he wants to be with me he just has to sort his shit out cause he just moved to the state before he dates. That was about a month ago, nothing has happened since then, no conversations about it again or anything, but he still flirts with me all the time, makes a point to make plans to hang out, tells me nice things, offers back rubs. Here’s the kicker. Due to financial situations (don’t judge me), he moved into my apartment with his best friend and now we all live together. He still acts exactly the same, flirts with me and hangs out and says nice things, and we all get a long great. It’s sickeningly ridiculous how much he and I have in common. We’ve talked about going and taking a dance class together and just other crap like that. Last night he asked me to hop in the shower with him, I laughed and he said “hey, were both adults, we have needs. At least we know we’ll still be friends afterwards”. I laughed and declined again. He’s made jokes like this before lightly, but last night he made sure to let me know he was serious haha. What the eff? I’m so confused.

  33. @Hmm…..He’s a player.

  34. Okay so my situation starts like this. I have been roommates with two males for the last 2 years. One of which has frequent late night visitors, and was a complete turn-off, he was a very big douche. Over time, I found that it was all a front, it’s his way of protecting himself from getting hurt. It was not until last November, I had a brief but very intense make-out session with him. Even though it was just kissing, I have never been so turned on in my life. We talked about it a few days later and he called it the perfect storm, he said was very turned on an that night and there will be a time when consequences don’t matter. Then three weeks later we had sex. After that we established some ground rules….the normal FWB rules. No kissing and telling, no sex if we’re in a relationship, and it ends if one of us gets feelings. He used to be excited to have sex with me, he would tell me how excited he was, he would pursue me from that point on until Feb. We were having sex at least once every one to two weeks. Over the last 3 months him and I have become very close, we are in fact best friends, and roommates. We spend a lot of time together, on a friend level, and occasionally we have sex. In February, he started dating this girl exclusively, and one of our rules was if either of us started dating someone exclusive we would stop our late night rendezvous. Which we did. That relationship didn’t last but 2 months. Then things started up again. In that time frame, I started talking to another FWB prospect. It fizzled out before anything happened. And since things have started back up he hasn’t been pursuing me, not like before. In fact, he has turned town my requests for sex a few times….He tells me that the sex is great, if it wasn’t he wouldn’t have ‘repeats’ with me and also, I have done things for him that few women have done. Also, we have not kissed since the first make-out session. So this brings me to my questions….
    1. Is he just not interested in FWB anymore? or is it because I make it too easy for him? Should I ask him….or is that too risky?
    2. Because the sex is so amazing, I want to have sex with him much more frequently, how can I approach this topic without coming across desperate?
    3. Why won’t he kiss me? It is a huge turn on for me.
    4. Are these all questions that are fair to have with a FWB? Or does it seem as if I am getting feelings? I can’t tell if I like him or I lust after the amazing sex!

  35. @T…..Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. We’re glad you’re finally looking at this more closely. Of course you have feelings for him. That’s why we discourage any sort of FWB arrangement, especially for women. It’s too easy to get pulled in emotionally. And that’s what’s happened. Sure the sex is great, but after a time that will sour too when it becomes clearer and clearer that that’s all he wants. To us it’s clear. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. If he did, you’d be in it now. Think about this: He’s on the prowl, looking for a woman he can be in a relationship with. But in the meantime he gets all his physical needs met with you. Pretty great for him. Not so much for you. And ask yourself this simple question: If he asked me to be his girlfriend would I? (Be honest please.) Because to us it’s an obvious YES. But then ask yourself this question: If I asked him to be my boyfriend would he say yes? (Doubtful. He’d make up a bunch of lame excuses.) So why isn’t he pursuing you as much? A bunch of reasons. 1. He knows you’re into him so it no longer feels free and fun. 2. He may be searching for other FWB so he’s not into the sex as much. 3. It’s too complicated. 4. He’s ready for a serious relationship and this thing with you impeding this goal. Bottom line: This is going nowhere. We highly suggest you move on for your own sake. You’re actually stuck in an emotional holding pattern and don’t realize it. Take care and good luck.

  36. Thanks for such a quick response. At first I was looking for the same thing, just a FWB. But as we’ve gotten closer physically and emotionally, maybe I do like him more than I can admit. However, I do know that we would NEVER be in a relationship, I don’t have that expectation. Besides, I know far too much to ever take a relationship seriously with him. So to answer your questions honestly, I don’t think I would be his girlfriend if he asked. But then again, maybe I would…. So is it possible for the sex to sour with the only expectation being that we have amazing sex?? I want it just as much as he does, and if he is not pursuing it with me but I am and most of the time he excepts, then we’re in it for the same reasons, correct? I am using him as he is using me….Like a business deal. You can’t get hurt without having an expectation of something I clearly see isn’t there. We have great chemistry, but we also have a great friendship. That definitely comes first. But the sex is so amazing! So is it possible to just go with the flow, enjoy the amazing sex, and not get hurt with no expectations of anything but sex/friendship?

  37. @T…….Not really. With sex comes feelings, emotions, complications. (Even if you say otherwise.) Example: Let’s say you do indeed think of this as a business transaction. But he is now interested in pursuing someone else. He’s inevitably going to feel guilty, or at least troubled, by the fact that he’s sleeping with you while pursuing someone else. That alone could complicate matters. But let’s back up. You don’t picture yourself dating this man because the topic has never come up and your relationship began as a friendship or just sex. But, let’s say he got his shit together, and approached you and said something like, “T, I know we’ve been having great sex and this has been totally casual, but I’m really falling in love with you. I’d really like you to be my girlfriend and try to build a real relationship.” Or whatever. We have a hard time believing you’d turn him down. We imagine you’d at least give him a chance. So if that’s the case, where you’re at right now is not a good place for you. We stick with our initial response. FWB arrangements inevitably get complicated and fail. We suggest you move on. But that’s just us. Your call of course.

  38. Hi guys.
    I have this situation that i need a little help.
    I met this woman about 2 months ago, I was instantly attracted to her on the first date, she called me regularly afterwards and we went out a few times but she just wanted to be friends, I had asked her if thats all she wanted and she said thats all she could do right now so i agreed, and now we have become literlly the best of friends, , she constantly calls me , and we see each other alot,.. about 2 weeks agao it developoed into more, we had sex , and it was great! i then went away to mexico for 9 days and when i came back we picked up right where we left off! its been amazing. her kids love me (they are older) and ive been staying at her house for the past 4 nights.
    then last night i went home and she was spending time with her kids. everything was fine, then i get a text saying that she’s preturbed at me! i didnt understand so i called her, apparently her kids told her not to hurt me and to be nice to me because they really really like me. and that if we stopped talking they would still talk to me. this somehow changed her, she joked about it that she couldnt believe it that they liked me so much and so fast, i asked her if this bothered here and her reply was , “this just feels so serious now and its not supposed to be” and she doesnt want to feel pressured and “this is a whirlwind” im so confused, yes i am in love with her, but i told her im not pressuring her into anything, i iike what we have and im ok with it, I asked her if she wanted to back off and she said no. but now instead of seeing her every day , shes making excuses not to see me.. is this the end? she does still call and text me and even video chats at night and teases me with nudity, but i cant help but feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest!! any thoughts would be much apprecaited guys.

  39. Hi guys well straight to the point, my guy friend and I have been friends for 5 yrs. and last year we admitted our feelings for one another. I asked him if he wanted to make us “official” and he told me that wouldn’t be a good idea since he leaving to the Air Force soon but yet it seems like lately were acting like friends with benefits and am confused if he ever really had feelings for me at all. We have a lot in common and had a blast playing video games with one another he would visit and stay the night every weekend. He was even the first to say “I love you” and that was weird since usually I’m the one always saying it and we would even talk about having kids someday. I’m so confused I can’t tell if he means anything he said or if he just using me

  40. First off let me say that I’m normally the female that avoids relationships. I’m completely fine not being someone’s girlfriend. With that being said I ended up in one and I ended the relationship earlier this year, after 6 months. After I ended the relationship I began hooking up with a guy I’ve known for almost 2 years now. Everything was great until recently I’ve been feeling this empty, unfulfilled feeling after I leave him. When we are together or in our moments every thing is great. So I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to be in a relationship, but I’m not really for sure if it necessarily has to be with him.
    I’m straight forward with what I want but this is out of my element. All of my friends say I should give it a go with him but I don’t think that’s what he wants. Hell I’m not even sure if it’s what I want.
    Should I put myself out there and see what happens with us? Should I just stop hooking up with him altogether and move on to someone new? Should I talk to him about all of this?

  41. Woodchuck1968 // November 11, 2013 at 9:15 pm //

    (Donated under woodchuch1968@y….com – Hi guys- different variety on the fwb issue. I’m guessing I will know the answer but maybe a different perspective or way to look at it will help. Known a woman for about 4 months. She told me after a couple dates she knew where we were going, she was attracted to me, but did not want to lead me on due to her being soooo anti-relationship due to being recently divorced and crushed by her ex. First guy she opened her heart to etc and he ended up being a liar and likely cheater. I’m separated and had similar feelings going on but I was willing to risk my heart for her. We remained friends seeing each other usually 2x per week (we live within walking distance) of course I have become more and more fond of her. I was ok with the slow pace,I have time and it’s for my protection as much as hers. Nothing sexual has happened btw. Hugs when we meet and depart. Two weeks ago she announces that she thinks it best if she move cross country, form east coast to west, to get away form all the bad memories and claims it will be years if ever that she gets emotionally attached to another man. I don’t buy the ever part but the long time I buy. I sat her down to make use she know I cared for he greatly and thought we would be good together etc. she fell back on the sorry, I have no interest in a relationship with anyone which again I believe 100%. It was about an hour convo and near the end she mentioned that the only thing she might do is a fwb thing. After saying that she realized what she said and then, not to lead me on, said she was not suggesting this for us. I really do like hanging with her and have hung with other women over the years who I liked but that was not reciprocated.

    So…..my questions are should I just cut bait or try to be legit friends with her, hang out etc. she said it was up to me. She’d like us to remain friends. So that is question 1. Should I stay friends with her. Issue 2 is the fwb issue. In thinking about it at first I thought yea, I can stay friends with her, it will be fine now that I know there is no hope of anything more. But…I then thought about the fwb. How could I handle it if she starts a fwb with some other guy and I find out or will I be worried about it all the time. My gut tells me I will worry about it and that I will be sick to my stomach if I were to find out she start sped one. She’s thinking about moving in under a year and I’m not sure how likely it would be that she actually start a fwb. It seems unlikely but you never know. I thought about being honest with her about this fwb concern to see how likely she thinks it would be but I’m guessing my hesitation here will sink the friendship as soon as I mention it. She won’t want to feel like she is hurting me and that my feelings are riveting her for enjoying her fwb.

  42. @Woodchuck1986………Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it! So quick question for you: Are you sure there’s no chance she’d do a FWB with you? Not that we’re suggesting it, since, if you’ve read some of our advice you’ll see we’re against it as a general rule. But if she were willing to do a FWB with you, would you be interested? We’re just wondering. To answer your questions: It’s clear that you’re into this woman, and that you really want much more than a friendship with her. (Or you’d like to explore that possibility) So yes, we think it would be torture for you if she started having sex with someone else. That would not be good for your emotional well-being. And really, what’s the point of being friends with her? If you thought she’d come around at some point then we could see how you might want to bite the bullet for a bit just to see what might happen. But besides the remote possibility of a FWB, it seems she’s been pretty clear that she’s not interested in you. Sorry. We know that isn’t the best thing to hear, but we’re just trying to be honest. Fill us in some more and we’ll give you some more feedback. Take care.

  43. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  44. Hi,
    I met this guy 4 years ago in dating site. I am from Indonesia he live in Australia. At beginning he said clearly he want a wife and after months chatting he said he really like me and want to meet. But then i have some problem with my son we cancel it. He sent money to help me even we never met. At that time we become just friends because all the problem i have. After three years my problem solved and we decide to try to meet. He has autism kids he cannot leave for long so we meet in Australia. It was very nice meeting, talking, walking, enjoying each other company but no sex happen even though we sleep together, kissing, and petting etc. After first meeting we decide to meet again. The second one we decide to have sex and we both agreed thats the best we had ever in our life. So we are very close as friend and now attracted sexually. The problem is he is still in court fighting for kids etc. He is in divorce process. It seems gonna be long road. He said he like me but cannot commit to me. And its unfair to me if he strong me along. But he said he like me and enjoy sex with me. But he has no time for anything serious and no money for meeting often. I really like him. I feel very sad. He is the only person who supported me in my worst moment in my life, talk to me everyday, sent money, etc. I trust him and so comfortable with him. He said there is no other woman but we need to be realistic. He said it might take two years for divorce process, he just got separation letter this month. What should i do ??? I try to talk with other men but i still like him a lot. We talked everyday through cam, chat or wa for 4 years. Please give advice

  45. i met a guy on ok cupid we talked for two years then i gave in after he begged me to give him a second change the idiot was loaded when he showed up for me and he and i talked in the car and we made out turned into third base kinda quick. I had no problems he took me home to his house i spent the night now he says i want to take things slow. I was like ok. I kinda did not like him he was arrogant anyways rude and making bias remarks about women and his ex wife like what?? common and i noticed he smokes drugs alot like 24-7 and drinks like a fish. I said how about we be FWB instead i would like Monogamous ok he said i said what about open he thought i meant openess i was like no open relationships so i could see others and you can two but every two weeks we meet up for fun that is it. I can’t stand the tool. but i can not be with out anyone he can do what he wants and i can do what i want i gotten off the site to focus on this FWB and he is still on i seen him when i was cropping some pictures to put in my messenger for numbers i did not care. i mean he is a combo of a ex hippie and a poet with some Bob dylan in it like he is the next Bob dylan is how he dresses like back in the day.

    My thing is this everyone i made no attempt to presue him he lead me on. I took it like a preditor and i feel freaking guilty he tells me not to feel guilty i do. He claims i should not feel this way and then gets stoner emotional on me i am not his girl friend but i also need some ya know attention. I also told him no jealousy he told me the same in said no attachments he said okay and wants that for me i sent the ground rules for every two weeks one or two days other wise i will crack him upside the head and leave. What irradiates me the most is the drug smoking and the boozing not so much the ciggies. It is the drugs that pisses me off am i wrong for what i want i do like him he is not commitment material i found a guy for that but i want the other as my FWB when the other does not want nothing. this new relationship the male i am seeing is not a drunk or a druggie he is a plain guy works daily and has change in his pocket the other dude is broke as a joke with no clue. it is not his money i have a problem with it is his drug using that me i watched him with in a 24 hour period smoke 7-26 bowls of dope. screw that he sounds like a stoner and smells like one and his breathe smells like Burbon. he is like so clue less i feel so bad he smiles at me i give a fake grin i will not stay period this man wanted a second chance and i find this out. I found someone else and replacig him soon.

  46. @Dewi……..This sounds hard. Long distance is never easy. That said, if he’s recently separated and not even divorced the last thing he’s thinking about is getting serious with another woman. He may really like you, and love having sex with you, but he’s not on the same page as you. (He may have thought he was and then realized he wasn’t.) So you can either hang in there, support him, and wait to see if he is ready in a few years, or you can try to move on. Have you talked to him about it? Does he say he wants to be with and that you should wait for him? Or does he say you should move on? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. THanks.

  47. @Kris….Thanks for sharing your situation. Did you have a question?

  48. Thankyou guys for your serious and fast response. Really appreciate it. After long talk we realised we are on different page. I am already divorced for 7 years and i want to settle down soon. He said he dont have any money and time for anything serious now. All he can over just casual relationship. And even though he like me he cannot jump into instant wife soon after he get divorced which is expected will be 2 years from now. He said he does not want me to wait because he cannot guarantee the result. He does not want to give any promises he might cannot keep that will hurt me more. It will be unfair if i wait for another years then something unpredictable happen. Now he is in debt for paying lawyer. He might loose all asset. I really want to support him. But each time i talk with him i feel very sad because i like him a lot. The easier way to move on is stop communicating with him but but i feel cruel that i didnt support him while he need it. He supported me when i was in trouble for years. He said we both pulling back is the best solution to avoid pain. But he keep saying he like me. I am now opening my self to chat with other guys even though i am not so excited, i just feel i need to do it. Do you think i do the right things ? Thankyou

  49. @Dewi…..Yes, you’re doing the right thing. It’s not like you didn’t talk about it with him. Both of you agreed that you’re not on the same page, and probably won’t be, at least any time soon. (If he’s like other recently separated/divorced guys, the last thing he’s looking for is a serious relationship. And this feeling will likely last for a long time/years, if not longer/lifetime.) Don’t feel guilty about not supporting him. He understands and he’s given you his blessing to move on. (Remember: He may have helped you but it made him feel good to do it. That’s something in and of itself.)

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