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Friends with benefits

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Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:

Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”

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TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

Last week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

We smile; does he like me?

Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

This week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Dear Guys,

I have feelings for this guy I’ve known for several months now. We started out with smiles and hellos, it then grew into name exchanges, then to chit-chatting, then FINALLY he gave me his number to call him.  So since then we’ve gone out on several dates and had phone conversations etc.

When I first met him he told me he had a friend who lives in another city, but made it clear to me that they were not exclusive, and told me he was not looking for a relationship.  Of course he wants to be intimate with me, and has tried several times to no avail, because I expressed to him that exclusiveness was part of the intimate package with me. So I’ve stood my ground, and refused to be moved on it. I did tell him we could just be friends without benefits. I did this because I really enjoy our time together, and like him as a person.  We still talk, text, and see each other frequently because we work for the same company and attend the same gym.

I’m not pressuring him to accept my terms, and will not allow him to pressure me to accept his. Am I making the right decision to still have him in my life as my friend, or should I just cut him out completly before I develop stronger feelings for him?

Brandi

Dear Brandi,

Thanks for your question.

We like your conviction and fortitude. Good for you. We think you’re doing the right thing by not complicating matters and having sex with him, especially since it’s clear you aren’t the only one he’s intimate with. And who knows if this other person he’s sleeping with is exclusive only to him. For a variety of health and emotional reasons you’re better off not going down that path with him, at least for now. But Brandi, it seems you’ve already developed feelings towards him. Otherwise you probably wouldn’t even be asking us if you should cut him out of your life.

You seem like a very introspective person, and that’s very helpful when navigating the complex dating world. But don’t think too much. We say why not be friends with him? You enjoy his company. He enjoys yours. Just continue to be clear with him about your status as only friends. The arrangement seems okay for now as long as you feel you’re deriving some sort of benefit from hanging out with him.

However, one cautionary note: We appreciate this guy being honest with you, but he seems like a player to us. First of all, he should be getting your number and calling you, not the other way around. And, if he really was into you, he wouldn’t need some other woman on standby. To us it sounds like he’s not ready to be in a committed relationship, and waiting for him to change might cause your hair to turn gray.

So be careful. If you decide to keep on being friends with him be sure to keep it completely platonic, which means only do things with him that you would do with friends. Don’t go over his house late at night to “talk.” Don’t drink a bottle of wine with him as you watch a movie on his flat screen. Don’t go to some romantic restaurant to hang out. And definitely don’t have sex with him. Keep it light, have fun, but detach yourself, and keep your options open with other guys. And please monitor how you’re feeling. If you realize you’re really pining for him, and hoping he’s going to change, we suggest you move on and look for someone who is ready to be exclusive.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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10 Comments on Friends with benefits

  1. Dear guys, im not sure if this is where u wanted me to put my question, just let me know.

    THE BACKGROUND STORY

    I have known this guy since I was 5 years old and were good freinds up until senior year of high school. We began dating at age 18 and things got serious over time. Not to fast but eventually, since our relationship lasted 2 years. In that two years we conquered a long distance relationship, we meet each others families, experienced a pregnancy and a misscarriage, he bought me a diamond ring to propose, he was my first everything too including sex, and he admits i was his first love,but eventually he ended up breaking up with me. Even though he wanted to get back together 5 days later but at the time i was mad and said no.

    The situation now
    It has been a year and a half now since we broke up and we have been FWB’s since the day we broke up. I moved away 4 hours from him, but once a month he drives 4 hours to come see me. and asks that i come see him at times. I know all of his freinds and he still talks to his family about me. He’s been hitting me up alot more now almost everyday. Even though we have sex still, we still go out for dinner, movies or playing games. like we used to do when we were together. here is where it gets confusing: in our conversations we joke around about him hookin up with my freinds. I know he’s not serious cuz he says he’s not. He says he really is ready for a girlfriend now, but even though there are sexy girls around him and even girls that want him he turns them down or gives an excuse of y he doenst want to start anything with them. The scarry part is he has jus recently confessed that he is ready to settle down with a wife and kids even tho he’s only 20. (he’s has 18 ex’s so he’s had his share of playing the field at an early age)

    THE QUESTION
    I have made up in my mind that i have fallen for him again, but I don’t know if he wants a new girl or if he wants me?
    I don’t know if he wants me to make a move first or if he’s just having his fun with our FWB’s until he finds what he wants?

  2. @Ty……Thanks for your note/question. Have you watched our video about “Friends with Benefits?” You might want to. First of all, he should be the one making the first move to try and take this to the next level. (Committed relationship/etc.) He should be the one taking the initiative, not you. However, you certainly can let him know that you might be open to “trying again” if he were to pursue you; but you shouldn’t be the one doing all the work. If you are really serious about this guy we think you should stop the monthly hook ups and see if you can figure out together how to rekindle what you had. Our suggestion: Talk to him about how you feel. Yes, that’s putting yourself on the line, but if you really love this guy you sure aren’t going to want to remain a monthly booty call. Eventually you’ll start feeling resentful. We always say it’s better to know than to not know. And this way you’ll have no regrets. If he says he’s not ready, or not sure, well then you’ll have your answer. Finally: Are you sure there’s nothing going on with all these other girls?

  3. @one of the guys…. thank you for your advice I did get a chance to watch the video. The thing is he nvr asked to be fwb’s, neither one of us did. Just spountansly happened. and back when i lived near him we didn’t have sex every time we saw each other. We wanted to avoid the whole booty call label. but You are right about how i need to jus own up and talk to him, but im jus afraid of loosing what we do have. I used to try to stop the fwb’s when we first started because i knew the dangerous of it, but over time i realized i was more happier in the fwb’s and since he’s been in my life for 15 years it wasnt easy just moving on.( cuz trust me i’ve tried running away lol) and although i used to go on dates with other guys after we broke up. It just pushed me more towards him cuz i realized what a good catch he actually was. And i know theres nothing going on with the other girls cuz he talks to them about me, introduces me to them and everything he tells me always adds up. so no worries there. i guess what im really trying to figure out is if this situation is a special fwb’s or should i treat it like any other and just continue to try and squash it.

    —- thanks again Ty

  4. @Ty…..Your situation does sound a little different, but it’s hard for us to say. The question is: Is there any reason for him to try and change what he has now? From an outsider’s perspective it doesn’t seem so. He has a friend to talk to. He has someone to fulfill some of his physical needs. And he has someone to go out with. So is the problem the label that’s on your relationship? What if he were to say that he’d be happy saying you were his girlfriend, but then nothing else changed? Would you be okay with that? It just seems like you need to dive in all the way—by being honest with him and tell him what you want—or try your best to move on. Because you’re in a holding pattern right now. And it seems like it could go on indefinitely.

  5. @the guys …. that is verryy true. nvr thought of it that way… thank you very much for the epiphany! =)
    -Ty

  6. @Ty……You’re welcome. Glad we could help. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  7. Hi Guys, I received an email to copy and paste my question as a comment so here it is:

    Hi Guys,

    I really need a guy’s opinion on this. i’ve been in a FWB for more than a year now with the guy I dated in the past. so to be clear, here’s our history:

    I met this really great guy at work,we hit it up right away. after couple of weeks, we hooked up. it was supposed to be a one night stand for me cos its been only four months since i got out of a 5 year relationship. After the hook up, we were inseperable.

    he confessed he has fallen inlove with me after a month of seeing each other. i told him we cnt put any label yet cos im still not ready to commit. after a couple of months, we both know we are dating exclusively and everone at work knows. after 3 months, its official we are a couple. then after two weeks, he broke it off and told me he has other priorities. i was hurt. im in love with him..

    a month had passed since the break up yet we still talk occassionally. after that we hooked up again. thats when it became a FWB thing.

    after a couple of months, he gt a girlfriend and he told me. i was getting attached to him but i know i can do nothing about it. being serious wasnt part of the deal. i know where i stand. we stopped sleeping together. we would sometime txt but thats just it.

    after four months, they broke up. we started hooking up again, this time once or twice a month. dont get me wrong, im dating other guys and slept with some.

    the thing is, i still get attached after the hook up. but i get over it after a week. i dnt knw where this us going.

    when we are together, we are a perfect match, we laught, we talk rather than sleep, sex is great and intimate, we kiss, if not then we cuddle more. we tell each other our problems in life. we do all this things everytime we spend a night together. if u ask me what if he confesses he wants to be wth me officially again, i dnt even knw if i’ll say yes yet part of me dnt want to let him go. and he seems like he doesnt want me to go either. but we dnt hangout and talk when we are not hooking up. we only talk when the urge hit us and its time to spend d night together.

    thanks!

  8. @Amber……….So your question is? We’re assuming just the general: What should you do? We think you probably know the answer we’re going to give but just want an objective opinion. Have you watched our “Friends with Benefits” video yet? It might help. Basically this arrangement is not good for your emotional well-being. We doubt this is going to transition into something more serious, especially since you already were serious and he broke it off. Right now he’s getting exactly what he wants. It’s like he’s renting you a few times a month. You have sex and then you give him an emotional boost. It’s perfect for him. But not for you. All you get is confusion and uncertainty. We think you should start giving some of these other guys a chance. And we think you should also stop sleeping with him or hanging out with him. Your thoughts? ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy some of the female guest writers. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  9. hi guys,

    thank you so much for your prompt response. yeah, it maybe a harsh and sad truth. guess i wasnt really over him and im just in denial state because i dont want to lose what little is left for me. but its not good for me. i needed a guys opinion and i got what i wanted. im not really expecting us to be ok or jump into the next level again, more of, i still want him to be part of my life, becase i knw once i stop sleeping with him, he wont talk to me anymore. im after the friendship really but his after the benefits.

    wow, yeah i should do something about it. thanks!

  10. @Amber…..Good luck and take care.

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