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Friends with the opposite sex: Am I just jealous?

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Hi guys!

My boyfriend has a friend of the opposite sex that I don’t particularly care for. She is the ex of one of his friends. He says they never hang out alone and that he sees her as a tomboy. When I finally met her she snubbed me. We all went out to eat and she sat right across from me and didn’t say a word to me. After that I didn’t bother to try to get to know her. I told my boyfriend how I felt and he just said I was overreacting. He’s upfront about her and tells me everything.  It’s just so annoying that she texts him all the time and tries to do stuff with him—without me of course. She is now pregnant and texts him everything about her pregnancy even when her water broke. It just seems too much and I don’t get why she tries to always get my boyfriend’s attention, especially when she has a boyfriend of her own.

When I confront my boyfriend he says I’m crazy and he always defends her instead of understanding where I am coming from. It’s not like they were friends before we started dating. They started hanging out because they hang out in the same crowd and she got his number from someone and they have bee texting ever since. I know of this girl and she’s not the most faithful in relationships, so it makes me even more skeptical.

Am I just jealous of this girl? Should I confront her? I don’t know what to do.

Dri

Dri,

Thanks for your question.

No you should not confront her. But you should sit down with your boyfriend and have a heart-to-heart with him. You may, or may not be overreacting, but that’s not for him to decide. The two of you need to talk this through.

Clearly she has some kind of interest in him, but still that has nothing to do with you. You have no control over her, and nor should you waste your energy trying to exert control over her. This has more to do with your own relationship. Your boyfriend should be trying to reassure you that all is well, rather than making light of it. (Although, if jealousy is a pattern with you, that’s a different story. We’re assuming no, as we answer your question.)

We believe people in relationships can have friends of the opposite sex, and in fact we encourage it. The world is too interesting a place to restrict yourself to 50% of the population. However there are a few rules that apply, and your boyfriend may be crossing the line.

We’re speaking to all the boyfriends and girlfriends out there:

1. Never put your friend in front of your boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. Doing activities that are typically reserved for your boyfriend/girlfriend are a no, no. (Dinner, Movies) Unless it’s been discussed ahead of time and everyone is on the same page and okay with it.

3. There should never be any type of hidden conversation going on, or other secrets. And constant texting seems a bit much.

4. If your friend is actually hoping a romantic relationship might develop, then it’s time to pull the plug on the friendship, or at discuss the boundaries.

5. You need to reassure your partner that nothing funny is going on.

6. Your friendship has to feel comfortable for everyone involved.

(Of course some partners will be jealous no matter what is going on. If that’s the case, it could be the partner’s issues.)

One last thought: We also wonder what her boyfriend thinks about her texting some other guy constantly, since she is pregnant with their child? She is definitely crossing the line as well. But once again, that’s something she and her boyfriend have to figure out. You should focus on your relationship.

We hope this puts things in perspective for you Dria.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Join us on Facebook. Check out our video: Trust your Gut (Might help)

 

 

4 Comments on Friends with the opposite sex: Am I just jealous?

  1. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year. He has a best friend who is a woman. They have been best friends for 15 years. She is 40 and single and doesn’t date. He swears they are just friends, and actually I believe that is how he sees it, and I don’t think he is interested in dating her. They have lived together as roommates, they have dinner and drinks alone (he pays), she watches his dog, her father to give him a kitchen full of appliances almost for free, they travelled together frequently over the years including as a date to weddings, they “hooked up” a couple of times a while back (it just “happened” when they were spending lots of time together). She is best friends with his brother and sister-in-law. She is close friends with his whole family. She has dinner with his parents. Every time there is an interaction or phone call with his parents or family members, they talk at length about how she is doing. She is on the family birthday calendar in the place of where my boyfriend’s partner or spouse should be. She used to text him and call him constantly when we first met. I broke up with him last summer when he said he was going to her birthday party but I wasn’t invited because it would make her upset if she saw he was happy with me and she was still single. He apologized, the party was cancelled anyway, and he begged to stay together. We negotiated for boundaries, I said he had to stop calling her and hanging out alone until I felt comfortable with her and knew I came first. He did that but he pushed me further and further when she had a personal crisis. I had dinner with them and she does things like called him sweety and kissed him goodbye in front of me. It felt like we were both being territorial, and I was very uncomfortable. I feel like there are no boundaries between them. He thinks I am reading too much into things. I actually believe they are just friends, but at least on a couple of occasions when we had a problem or I didn’t give him enough of my time, he avoided the issue and just went to her. He says he shouldn’t have to give up his best friend of 15 years for me. He says he can’t just stop calling her or tell his family to not be close to her. Basically, he says there is nothing he can or should do, and has done nothing wrong. He said I am upset with him for having a friend before he even met me. I have never had a jealousy problem like this but I have never been with a man who was so tied to another woman. I said I can’t be with him anymore if she is going to be such a big fixture in his life with no boundaries. He see’s how much this hurts me but won’t take any steps at this point to make me feel better. He is upset with me because he says I am telling him who he can be friends with. He says there is nothing wrong with them getting dinner and drinks or her watching his dog when he travels and he would not be upset if I had the same relationship with a man. I love him but this situation is beyond what I can handle while staying a sane, loving partner. What do you think is going on here?

  2. @Wendy…….Have you read the post, “My fiance does what he wants and then says it’s my problem.” It’s somewhat similar to your situation. We agree with you, and we agree with him. First of all he should be allowed to keep any friends he had before he met you. (And it sounds like you don’t have any issue with that really.) But we don’t agree with anything else he’s saying. Of course he needs to modify his behavior with this woman. Sure she can be friends with his family, and sure he can still see her, but regular dinners and drinks should be a thing of the past. Because what does he expect? His woman should sit by while he has an intimate emotional connection with another woman?!! We don’t think so. And if he can’t see that, you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands than this woman. The thing is, people need to be respectful of their partner’s feelings and needs. Like we said in the post we mentioned to you, people should be thinking when they’re out in the world, “How would I feel with this decision I’m making?” And frankly, how would he feel if you were buddying around with some guy, especially if you had hooked up with him a few times? And how would he feel if you told him it was his problem? We doubt he’d stick around too long.
    So what do we think is going on? We don’t suspect he’s cheating on you if that’s what you’re wondering. At least not physically. But he definitely has an inappropriate emotional connection going on. And if he wants to keep this connection going, he needs to find some pushover who will let him do whatever he wants. It doesn’t sound like that’s you.
    Now we’re not saying dump him, but we do think you need to explain to him in a different way how this makes you feel. Maybe try reversing things on him and see what he says. Reassure him that you’re not telling him to dump her. He shouldn’t have to. But maybe dinners can transition into lunches, and drinks into coffee. And instead of calling her when he has a problem or has some exciting news to share, he can turn to you. Keep us posted on how things progress. And good luck. We hope it works out for you. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime.

  3. Thank you so much for your response. I know he is not physically cheating, it is the emotional side of this that is bizarre. He never told me that they hooked up until recently. I did turn it on him and asked him several times how he would feel in the same situation. He said he would have no problem with it at all if it was the same kind of friendship. Lol, I don’t believe him, he is actually pretty jealous. I was open to the fact that he had a female friend when we first met, however, the more details I learned, especially his family’s involvement with her sort of acting like they are the couple, I just don’t see how this will work unless in fact, he finds a pushover who will let him do whatever he wants. I told him it hurt my feelings when at Christmas dinner, his family pulled out a calendar with her in his “wife’s” spot. He didn’t think it was weird and he got upset when I suggested he say something to his family about how it made me uncomfortable. If I am going to get serious with this guy and be close to his family, I don’t see how it will happen, plus his sister in law is best friends with this girl. Do you really think at this point he can simply have lunch with her instead of dinner and this mess will resolve itself? That she will take her proper seat behind me and his family will view us as the couple? Don’t you think he needs to do something where his family is concerned? And how about the way she acts around me? Do I have to sit there and watch her call him sweety and kiss him? At this point I feel she has no respect for our relationship, especially when asks him to do large favors a boyfriend should do for her. I have never encountered anything like this. He just jumps for her and cares so deeply for her, and is standing up for her like his life depends on it, it makes me feel like I am just not as important to him and I really don’t know what is going on between them. She is not a physically attractive woman, but that doesn’t make me feel better. This is bringing out the worst person in me. I’ve said way too much about the situation and I think he deeply resents me for expecting him to not be close to her. I told him what I need and to think about things for a few days but I think he is really just angry at me and hurt. Thank you so much, you have really helped.

  4. @Wendy……..It’s possible that he’s just not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. Or we hate to say it, but it’s possible he isn’t willing to change anything for you. His family certainly isn’t. They are clearly sending a message that they want her to be THE ONE. And he seems to be buying into it somewhat.

    But you’re right. We suggested lunch because in our minds it shows some sort of movement on his part. However, if his attitude is the same then no it doesn’t matter when he gets together with her. Another thought. Maybe because he knows he’s not attracted to her physically he thinks this shouldn’t be a problem, but of course that line of thinking really doesn’t hold up here.

    She doesn’t have respect for your relationship because he’s giving her that power. Obviously she wants to be with him romantically and he doesn’t want that. But she’s going to hang around hoping for as long as he’ll allow it. Maybe he loves her. Maybe he feels guilty. But whatever it is, it’s not great for whomever he is with. Currently it’s you.

    Finally: Be assured that you’re not the problem. You seem more understanding than a lot of people would be. And it’s laughable when he says it wouldn’t bother him if you had an intimate guy friend. Guys are very territorial when it comes to their women even if they try to pretend they’re not. Good luck.

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