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Getting over him still

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Dear Guys,

My ex and I broke up a while ago. I’ve only been in love one other time besides him and that was 7 years ago. We weren’t even together that long to begin with, but I’ve had a very hard time getting over him. Now enter a new boy. He is great. He embodies everything I like in a guy and all the qualities my ex didn’t have. (Note: My ex was never a bad guy the qualities I’m talking about are a sense of adventure and others along those lines.) We have gone on a few really good dates. Last night we had our first kiss and it was surprisingly nice, although it made me a little uncomfortable. Then I went home and proceeded to dream about my ex and woke up crying. What is wrong with me? I mean this is a great guy I have now and I can’t stop thinking about my ex. Am I still not ready to date? If I’m not then what do I do, because I don’t want to lose this great guy I’m seeing. We are a very good match for each other. The more I try not to think about my ex the more I do think about my ex.

What should I do? I’m so confused and upset right now.

Lee

Dear Lee,

Thanks for your question. We can understand your confusion, but what you’re experiencing is fairly typical.

Up until meeting this new guy, your relationship with your ex may have been over, but the vault was not entirely sealed. Enter new guy, and now, if things progress in a positive way, your relationship with your ex will finally be put to rest. The sadness of the finality of your previous relationship is what you’re feeling.

You don’t say why you broke up with your ex. You also don’t mention who broke up with whom. But obviously something wasn’t right because the two of you split up. Don’t all of a sudden put “rose colored glasses” on when looking back on your relationship with him. That doesn’t mean you have to think negatively, but it’s so easy to remember only the good things. This can even get to the point where people say, “Now, why did we break up again?” And those people often try to reunite, only to realize soon enough the reasons they broke up in the first place.

It could be that you’re not ready for a new relationship, but forge ahead and keep tabs on how you feel. The transition is always filled with complex emotions, especially when sex is factored into the equation. Try to enjoy it too. New love is wonderful!

If your feelings for your ex continue, maybe you will need a new dose of “gamma rays” to remind yourself of why you left in the first place.

Good Luck,

THE GUYS

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6 Comments on Getting over him still

  1. Natalie // May 16, 2012 at 8:40 pm //

    Dear guys,just posting.. semi on this issue. its about getting over someone but a friend

    Back in highschool, a guy friend and I grew quite close but I was a year older than him and we hung out with different people. Im christian and hes not and we have quite different personalities. I still really liked him and I felt ditto (he constantly checked me out and we txtd heaps for about 3 months?). When I felt he was going to ask me out, I realised/thought it wouldnt work and also freaked out. This other guy, who stereotypically seemed like one I would go for, txted me and I went out with him to get over my friend. (I know, so bad)

    I eventually said sorry to my friend but didnt explain the whole ‘why’ i freaked out and went out with someone else. about 5 years has gone by and we talk briefly every 4 months or so. We started university together 3 years ago.

    My friend sometimes txts me out of the blue, flirts with me quite a bit,then he suddenly cuts it off.

    While this seems so ‘highschool’, I think about what happened now and then and how it was never fully resolved (doesnt seem resolved to me)

    I just want to know an honest guys perspective, about what I should do and also why he would flirt with me then cut it off. Also if I should actually one day talk to him about this. I dont want to be ‘that crazy girl who made it way more than it needed to be’ but I do want to deal with it somehow. Would he appreciate me actually bringing it up and explaining myself? If not should I just get over it

  2. @Natalie…..So why did you freak out? It might help us give you a better answer. The bottom line: If he’s really interested in you then any sort of revelation coming from you would likely be well-received. And to answer your question, why would he flirt with you and then cut it off? Well, it could be because he doesn’t want the same thing to happen again. It’s his way of testing the waters a bit and being in control. You’re probably going to have to take the initiative in this situation, since you were the one that freaked out the first time around. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask us a follow up question, and if you’d like, give us more details. Also, please let your friends know about us. And finally, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. There are some really good female writers on there. Thanks!

  3. Rosalie // July 2, 2012 at 9:46 pm //

    so my ex is 2 years younger than me. we dated for 2years. We broke up over a stupid fight because we have been having pointless fights on and off. I was his first girlfriend. we broke up 2 months ago he blocked and deleted me off fb & twitter. Recently he added me 2 weeks ago back to fb & twitter when he was on a trip with his dad. I figured he was going to talk to me & try and work things out. he still hasn’t said one word to me but has admitted to his guy best friend he misses me..this has gotten back to me.i suggested the break for a week but he took it to the next level. (maybe out of anger & he said he didn’t love me anymore too..again i feel this is all out of anger) Then the other day his guy friend talks to me out of nowhere about relationships. I feel this is his way of checking up on me to see if i am with another guy and he is deciding if he should contact me? Or is he just keeping tabs on me online? I have decided that for my own sake i need him to call or text me first…but i am unsure of his intentions at this point if i should just assume he just wants to keep tabs on me on facebook… thanks!

  4. @Rosalie….Sounds like he’s trying to figure out where you’re at in terms of other guys. Basically, the two of you need to talk about all of this. There’s some miscommunication going on. Normally we say the guy should initiate but if there’s been some misunderstandings etc. it’s okay to reach out to him and try to figure things out. Yes, you’ll be taking a risk, and yes, there are no guarantees that he’ll be ready to try again, but at least you’ll have a better sense of what’s going on. Good luck.

  5. First, sorry this is such an old thread. It just fit my situation the best…Long story short, about a year ago I started dating this guy and I was head over heels in love with him. We had been friends for 3 years prior, but I never had any feelings. He was always just one of my good friends, but apparently he had loved me since day one but never thought I would have given him the time of day. Well anyways, we dated for a while and then all of a sudden our relationship changed. He moved out of his parents house, dropped out of school, almost lost his job, and broke up with me. He didn’t give me a reason. Just ended it. I had no closure. I didn’t know if he felt that I had done something wrong or if he just stopped caring.
    So a couple months went by and it was really rough for me but one night I randomly ran into the guy that both my ex and I would occasionally hangout with and I told him about everything. We talked for a few weeks and now we are dating and he’s great. We always have a good time together and right now, we make each other very happy.
    My ex started texting me though. At first he just wanted to confirm that the rumor was true and I said it was. That’s when I found out that he broke up with me because he wanted to protect me and he didn’t want his bad decisions to mess up my life. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Never once did it cross my mind that he had broken up with me because he cared that much. Had I known that from the beginning, we would still be together. He’s been working really hard to get his life back together after his brief period of mayhem. Finding out that I was dating someone else hit him really hard too though. His friends have told me that he hasn’t been the same since I told him that it was true.
    I care about both of these guys. If I’m being completely honest, I know that my current boyfriend and I aren’t going to be together forever and I do see myself getting back together with my ex, but I’m not ready right now. I’m don’t want to give up what I’ve got going with my current boyfriend, but at the same time I want my ex to wait for me. When I told my ex that I was with someone else, he said he would, and I know that he’s crazy about me. I just can’t go back to that yet. I’m firmly against “breaks” and as a girl that was his friend before, I’ve seen him date girls off and on and that’s not me. My current boyfriend does make me very happy and I don’t want to leave him.
    Even if I were single, I wouldn’t get back with my ex yet. He needs more time to get his life together.
    So basically after all of that, my problem is that I feel so guilty. My ex has been doing so well with not pressuring me to get back together, but a few days ago, he texted me and basically asked if we ever would be together again and if he still needed to wait or if I was sooo happy in my current relationship that he should just find a way to move on and give up. When I replied, without thinking of how cruel it is for me to put him in that position, I just told him that I never stopped loving him and that I wouldn’t for a very long time.
    He never responded. I ended up texting him again and apologizing for saying that because I know that he is hurting so much thinking about me ad someone else.
    My current boyfriend knows I still love my ex. He knows that we’ve texted back and fourth, but he isn’t jealous. He recognizes that enough time hasn’t passed for me to be completely over him and he knows that him and I haven’t been dating long enough for either of us to claim that we are in love with each other.
    I just don’t know what to do. I know that in a way I’m leading my ex on but I can’t find it in myself to give him a definite answer even if I already know what it is. This may sound dumb but I know that some day we will end up back together but I don’t know when that day is and I don’t want him suffering the entire time waiting, but at the same time I don’t want to see him move on.
    I want to have my cake and eat it too.

  6. @Jess…..Yes you do. You want your cake and eat it too. Our first reaction? We feel badly for your boyfriend. Here you are with him, but pining away for someone else. Maybe you should break up with him and be alone for a while and try to figure this out? Because right now you’re kind of stringing along both of them. Let’s talk about your current boyfriend. Ask yourself this question: If you didn’t have an ex in the picture could you see yourself falling in love with him and having a long-term relationship with him? If so, then maybe you need to focus on trying to develop your relationship and forget about your ex. As far as your ex goes. You may think you’re going to be with him in the end, and maybe that’s true, but he’s got a lot of growing up to do. What person breaks up with someone without any sort of explanation and then comes back, conveniently when his ex is now dating someone else, and says, “I broke up with you without any sort of explanation because I was trying to protect you.” That’s pretty weak. It shows us a guy who is not very communicative, and keeps his feelings inside, and someone who is not willing to have a difficult conversation. Or it shows us someone who isn’t in touch with themselves. So even if you do end up with him, you’re in for a long road.

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