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Going from ‘friends with benefits’ to a dating relationship

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Dear Guys,

Story is that I met this guy three years ago and we had two dates. Then I did the regrettable: I had sex with him. Since then I’ve liked him, but we never got to the stage of it becoming a serious relationship. All he would really call me for is sex. I began to get the hint and I cut him off three times; but yet I find myself missing him and going back. I recently went back like a month ago and we had a long talk on how I didn’t want to have the FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationship. I told him I liked him and that’s the only reason I’ve had sex with him.

We have seen each other twice since then and the second time he unhooked my bra. I knew what he wanted to do but I backed away; and before I left I gave him a hug and then I don’t know what I was thinking but I went in for a kiss and he gave a me a weird look. Now I am officially confused as to what the situation is. And the truth is I really want him to be my boyfriend.

Guys please help me out =(

-Ariie

Dear Ariie,

Thanks for your question.

Your situation is more common than you might think. Women and men often think about sex differently. For you sex with this guy is your way of showing him how much you like him. For him, it could be purely physical.

Guys can easily separate the physical from the emotional. Once the “act” is over, we can easily transition into the next thing: What’s for dinner? What’s on TV? That’s not to say guys are incapable of love. We are certainly capable of love, and want it as much as women. But when it’s not there, we can still have sex just as easily.

It is possible to transition from a “Friends with Benefits” situation to an actual relationship, but we think this guy would have pursued you by now if he wanted more than just sex.

Having said that, we still think you should seek the answers you need. Remember: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Tell him how you feel—again. And tell him what you want. It’s good to be specific. Don’t just tell him the only reason you had sex with him is because you like him. Be straightforward and tell him you want to be in a relationship with him. If he says he’s not interested, you’re no worse off than you are now. In fact better, because you’ll be able to move on to pursue a relationship that might have potential for a future.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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4 Comments on Going from ‘friends with benefits’ to a dating relationship

  1. Kristina // April 3, 2012 at 11:36 pm //

    I am in a similar situation. Basically we started dating had sex on the 3rd date and then he started to freak out because he thought things would be too complicated. We decided to just be friends but then he would go for days to a week at a time constantly pursuing and trying to see me. I would cave and hook up…but then I could tell he was freaked out again. He says that his last relationship was horrible. The ex was very controlling and didn’t want him going out with his friends. He doesn’t want a relationship but keeps pursuing me and wants to be monogamous. So he wants to hang out with me, have sex, but no relationship… Is he really using me and playing me? Or did his past really make him wary? Should I continue this game? Can I slow things down now and stop having sex with him?

  2. @Kristina…….Guys know they can use the “ex-factor” as an excuse because women always believe it. They believe it because for a woman it probably is a legitimate reason for not getting close. But guys are wired differently. A controlling ex isn’t the reason they don’t want to get serious with their new woman. This guy wants a FWB relationship with you, but it doesn’t seem much more. Is that what you want? If not, we don’t see this changing. At this point he knows he can play to your emotions and you’ll keep having sex with him. You’re going to have to be strong if you really want to stop this. It’s hard, but there are other guys out there who will want the entire package not just the physical. Good luck.

  3. Alexis2424 // October 8, 2012 at 3:39 am //

    Im sort of in the same boat. We dated about 3 years ago my first his second year in college. We dated for just a few months. Never got to the I love you stage of the relationship. After that he got in an serious relationship and so did I. We got engaged to those people and it didnt work out for both of us. Now we reconnected and have been hanging out about 1 or 2 times a week. I told him I didnt want to date him again and that I need time. He said he agreed. We are sleeping together again. I now feel like I want more with him. He keeps dropping hints that make me think he feels the same way but then we tell each other someone worthy of him or me is out there and we will find them. I am lying to myself and him when I tell him these things but I dont want him to go away or stop talking to me. How do I ask him if he wants to date me again without seeming like I want him first?

  4. @Alexis2424……This doesn’t feel good. If you’re already sleeping with him and he hasn’t said anything about being serious with you again, then he probably hasn’t changed his mind. It’s a great situation for him. He gets to have sex with a woman he’s attracted to without having to worry about drama or anything else, and then he gets to continue his search for his ideal woman. We’re sorry, but that’s how we see it. (We hope we’re wrong.) Our suggestion: Stop sleeping with him. Tell him how you feel. If his reaction is wishy washy or worse then you’ll have your answer. (Time to move on) If his reaction is positive then try to gauge whether or not he’s being truthful. If you feel he is, then proceed slowly and with caution. Typically FWB arrangements don’t lead to anything but confusion, resentment and heartbreak. Your thoughts? Good luck and keep us posted. Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please share our site with friends. Facebook and Twitter. We appreciate it. Thanks!

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