Have I finally screwed up so badly that there’s no hope?

Hi Guys!

My story is a little complicated to correctly put it under any single category.

I started dating my best-friend of six years when I turned 18. Things are generally pretty good, but due to my extensive traveling schedule for work, and the fact that he joined the military we don’t talk as much as I’d like. Or rather, I feel like I try to make time for him but he doesn’t make as much time for me. This has led to some trust issues in our relationship, although we’ve generally been able to work through everything when we see each other.

Fast forward four years and I had been having some difficult interactions with his best friend from home. To the point where I didn’t want to speak with this guy at all. Then I had to have ACL surgery and my boyfriend took two weeks to actually come see me. Whereas, his best friend broke up with his girlfriend and he immediately came to see him. I was so angry. I felt so betrayed. I said I didn’t want to be friends with his friend anymore. This caused some serious tension between my boyfriend and me, to the point where he wanted some space.

We tried to resolve our issues but then he deleted me off Facebook, which I assumed was his way of breaking up with me. When his friend heard about this he tried to patch things up with me. So we agreed to be civil and I let my boyfriend know this. But still I didn’t get much of a response from my boyfriend.

I know he’s been overwhelmed about this whole thing. I know after all that, plus anything else he might be going through with school and work must be really stressing him out. I want to give him some space to try to clear his head because he’s never been so frustrated before, and perhaps meet up when I’m in town again. However, when I asked about the latter, he replied, “Maybe.” It hurt me, because he asked the same question to me and I quickly agreed, thinking there was hope for us. There are just so many things I’m confused about, and I know it’s asking a lot, but I would really like to know…

Was I wrong for standing up for myself?

Am I wrong for finally agreeing to what my guy wanted and making amends with his friend?

Is it too late?

And since we are no longer “friends” on Facebook and he hasn’t texted me back recently, are we officially over? Or is he waiting for me to make the first move again?

These are the main questions on my mind. I would hate to lose him over something like this. Especially being so close to our four year anniversary, and having had plans to someday live together and get married. But most importantly because I’d be losing more than a boyfriend. I’d be losing a very good and close friend. I’m sure this is a lot to take in, and although I’ve asked a few of guy friends and have even had my father’s opinion, I’d really appreciate a Guy’s point of view.

Thank you very much!

Stefany

Dear Stefany,

Thanks for your question. To be clear, this isn’t about you screwing up, this is about a general eroding of a relationship.

Your guy is using your conflict with his friend as an excuse to take a break. Obviously something about your relationship is bothering him. Something other than the purported issue. No guy is going to break up with a woman they love because that woman is having issues with their best friend. Instead they might try and figure out a way to resolve the issue. If push came to shove, it’s likely they’d choose their woman over their friend, although not without feeling a bit resentful, especially if they thought their girlfriend was being petty.

As for you, your feelings toward his friend are misplaced. His friend isn’t the issue, it’s what his friend represents, or rather the fact that he reminds you that your boyfriend placed a higher importance on his issues rather than yours. And we understand why that hurts you, and feels like a betrayal in some ways; but it’s misplaced. (It’s good you worked through the issue) Once again, it shows a larger lack of trust between the two of you. Not a lack of trust like ‘We’re both worried the other person is cheating’ but more not trusting that you have each other’s back, and that you’re there for each other.

Give your boyfriend some space and see if he’ll contact you. When he does the two of you need to have a serious sit-down. Something is going on that you need to get to the bottom of. It’s hard to say what it is. Has he fallen out of love? Is your constant fighting too much for him? Or is he overwhelmed by everything that’s going on in his life and just needs some time to put things in order? Or is it something else that he’s not telling you? Whatever it is, it’s there, and without having an honest and open discussion, you’re not really going to know what’s going on.

Keep in mind. This discussion is not just about finding out where he’s coming from, it’s also about you explaining all the emotions you’ve been feeling over the years—and having him listen—and maybe explaining to him the real reason the conflict occurred between his friend and you. Your feelings are just as valid as his, and he should want to understand why you’re feeling the way you do.

We can’t guarantee that having a talk will somehow fix everything Stefany. It’s possible he’s already decided to move on and is afraid to actually say it to you. If that’s the case, he’ll make excuses about why he doesn’t want to talk. But you at least need to reach out to him and try. That’s all you can do. Don’t give this up until you’ve explored and discussed all the avenues. Hopefully he’ll be open to doing that.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

33 Comments on Have I finally screwed up so badly that there’s no hope?

  1. Hi Guys!
    Me and my ex broke up three months ago, or rather she ended it. I was devastated but accepted it. I got a new job and things were looking up, she called me that night to ask what it was and when i started before crying down the phone about how much she misses me and begging to meet up. I tell her we will discuss it during the week. That was it, she ignored my calls and messages from there. Turns out that very same day she had met someone new, and started a relationship with him.
    At least i now had the evidence it was truly over. I went NC for a while, she was abroad on charity work which made it easier. When she came back she started getting in touch, asking how I was, telling me she would be up here soon and could we meet?
    I ignored her messages until Sunday, in my hungover state I agreed to meet her.
    We went for a drink, caught up, laughed.
    Went back to my car and she wrapped her arms around me, and then it happened.
    She started kissing me. I couldnt stop, Its exactly what I wanted. We went back to hers and ended up in bed having the most passionate night of our lives, she kept saying she missed me, missed this, missed everything. There was no mention of her new man at all.
    When It came to me leaving, neither of us wanted that to happen, so she asked if we could meet up when she came back from her holiday (she leaves today).

    I thought it was all going well, she seemed to really want me again, and I know I want her. But her messages have been a bit strange. She’s glad we met up, glad it happened. But she’s now confused. She wants me to meet her in a weeks time, but understands if I dont want to see her again. She also said that in honesty, that she doesn’t know what she wants right now… surely thats better (for me) than her knowing she wants to do with me.

    Please dont slaughter me for sleeping with a taken girl, I know that was wrong. But It wasn’t just sex, I love this girl. Always have & always will.
    Please, any advice, thoughts or help would be appreciated!

  2. @Iain……Why would we slaughter you? She didn’t mention him so it’s not up to you to probe. The only thing we can see is, we doubt you really want to be having sex with her if she’s also having sex with this other guy too. (We probably wouldn’t) But the cheating aspect is on her. We can see that you have deep feelings for her and that’s why you keep putting up with her mixed signals and on again off again behavior. She is confused and it’s good that she’s finally fessing up to it. So what should you do? First of all, figure out exactly what you want. Would you be willing to take her back if she wanted to come back? Do you think you can trust her? (If she’s messing around with this other guy and you, who knows what else she’s doing.) Do you think you can trust her emotionally? (Meaning is she really going to be able to open up to you and give herself over to you AND not take advantage of your feelings toward her.) It’s clear that the two of you feel drawn to one another the key is to figure out why? (From both sides.) Is it because you truly love each other and need to be together? Is she refusing to let you go because she’s scared of the unknown or lonely, or hasn’t found someone else she likes? Etc. Start with thinking about some of these questions and talking to her about what you want, and what she wants. If you really feel like she’s being honest with you and just needs some time to sort things out in her head, well then certainly be patient. What do you think? Please ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Also, please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  3. Hi again,
    First off, I want to thank you for your time, and for your approach, every other forum I’ve been on I seem to be subject to nothing but abuse.
    I see exactly where you’re coming from, sleeping with someone who is more than likely sleeping with somebody else is, risky.
    But on that note, she certainly enjoyed it. I wont go in to too much depth, but I think knowing what she likes and so on was a plus. For both of us. Before we met up again, I think I was making (slow) progress. Totally against my nature as a person, I had hooked up with a couple of girls (safely), but in the morning, I felt nothing towards them. Almost repulsed in all honesty. They weren’t her.
    Now, when I look at other girls, try to imagine being with them instead, I cant. I’ll be honest, there were a lot of issues in our relationship. We have broken up before for a month or so. She has had a rough upbringing, alcoholism in the family, depression, eating disorders and so on. Having done some reading, I think there may even be an element of Bi-Polar disorder in there too.
    She was reluctant to tell me any of this at the beginning, but when her incredibly malicious Ex (before me) appeared on the scene, she didn’t really have a choice as he was threatening to use all of this against us. I stood by her, I didn’t judge her or her family. I was always there for her. I’ll admit I could have been better, at times I got frustrated by her mood swings which in turn angered her and so on so forth. When we were lying in bed on Sunday night, she cried, saying I was so so good to her throughout our time together, and yet she was nothing but awful to me. To which I disagreed, It takes two and all that. I really wish I had asked more questions at the time, why are you with me now? Where does this leave us?
    But instead, I have to wait until she returns from her trip, maybe when she comes back she’ll decide she wants to give the new guy a chance, maybe she won’t. The way we left it, she knows she has me, if & when she wants. I felt the connection, this wasn’t just sex, this was intimate, the touching, holding, hugging, kissing.
    I would give it another go, I just pray that when she gets back, she’s true to her word and asks me to visit. This time, I have questions i want to ask, things I want to say.
    I understand there’s not much you guys can do, I want to hear what I want to hear and all that. And that aint how this works. But thanks for the impartial advice, the honesty and such. Definitely recommend to others!

  4. @Iain….Well thanks for filling us in on the details. Complicated, just as all relationships are. Good luck and definitely keep us posted. And thanks for spreading the word about us. ps. Last note; Please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (No amount is too small or too large.) Take care.

  5. My ex and I met 3 years ago at work and fell in love. We dated for 1 yr and then decided to buy a house together. The relationship was progressing along seemingly fine. We had our ups and downs but seemed to push past them. “Seemed” because apparently he was building resentment all along that I was blind to. I was so focused on our future and not the current state of the relationship at the time. I also realize I have insecurities and fears that I respond to with emotional neediness. He has a passive aggressive personality and stonewalls when he is upset. The length in the stonewalling got progressively longer in length when he got mad throughout our relationship. He proposed to me after living together for 1 yr (after I got mad that he had not proposed yet) and I said yes. In retrospect, I should not have forced the proposal and when he did propose (albeit under duress) I should have said No. The timing was all wrong. So as I was planning the wedding, the focus was all on the details and me and blah, blah, blah. The bloke got lost in the shuffle and I was feeling resentful that he was not helping more to plan the wedding. I lost myself by loving him more (and the idea of him and our future) rather than loving myself and really maintaining my boundaries and just doing the things in my life to make my own happiness. I forced myself upon him on a silver platter. Even by turning a blind eye to a big red flag and boundary breaker that he was a pothead. Fast forward to a few weeks before our wedding and picture a couple under stress with planning a wedding, the groom is having unspoken reservations, the bride is having unspoken fears, the couple is bickering, and there is an underlying tone of discord, walking on eggshells and unhappiness. The groom is ready to go on his long awaited Bachelor party and what should have been a 2 day Texas to Louisiana casino trip turns into a last minute 3 day trip. I had counted on my fiancé to be available to accompany me to a Friday dance performance that I had told him about 1 month before. Also at this time I had asked for details of where he would be staying in case I needed to reach him in the event of an emergency (my mother taught me this when traveling). He told me 1 week out that he was not going to be in town on that Friday after all. I had also asked for his hotel info and he summarily dismissed my request at this point with a response of, “If you need to reach me you can call my cell”. I tried to explain this was not about me showing up or spying on him. I trusted him but this was a very important value to me and he was dismissing it. I kept hoping he would appear anyway at the show but he did not (he has set precedence before). That was when I overreacted and blew up his cell with text messages and emails. I involved his father and his best man. I said exactly what was on my mind unfiltered. When he got back from LA he grabbed some clothes and stayed with a friend. He never spoke a word to me. WE had a one hr conversation a week later where he said he lost faith in us, he did not accept me for who I was as I was, that he thought he could change me, that he was a loner, that he was agnostic at best, etc. Translation = I need out, emotionally confused and spent, and will find whatever sticks. I try a small amount of desperation to no avail. 5 days before the wedding he emails a cancellation to the venue. Insert Nuclear Explosion. I am in shock and denial. The whole thing is public at work having to return gifts to family and coworkers. My mom and I go on the honeymoon cruise together. While I am away, he officially moves out of the house. I try to call him and stop him to no avail. The next few months there are some emails regarding details and wrapping up loose ends. One of his emails finally revealed what I find to be the truth. He listed that he felt that he could not be just himself (unapologetic self), that he could not go out with his friends w/o making me upset, that he felt like he was walking on eggshells, and that he hated that he had to check his phone all the time to see if I texted or called so I would not get mad. My email messages during this time reflect that this is the best idea since sliced bread and that I am as happy as a lark. Actually, I am dead inside and go into full blown depression. The whole grief process along with profound rejection is intense. I have weekly counseling sessions. All the while I project grace and dignity at work. I did blow up a few times in the emails with anger which is a giveaway but it felt good none the less. But he only sees a slimmer woman, one who changed her hair and wardrobe and is constantly smiling. My last 2 emails regarding the house were full on mean. So mean in fact that I am ashamed however at that point I no longer cared. Currently, I am dating someone new (albeit I feel it is really a rebound and need to stop so I can fully heal and not hurt others), traveling, painting, dancing and all in all recovering from shattered to broken. Not full on healed yet. So here we are 10 months later, and the persistent cockroach after the nuclear explosion has left me a card at work requesting to talk. He wants to make things right with me if he can. He is giving me the house no strings attached. He is basically apologizing with remorse and reparations. Honestly, I want to rush into his arms, but I will not. I am torn between moving forward in my life and giving him, us, a second chance. I do love the man, not his poor actions. I have forgiven myself for squeezing the life out of him. I contributed to the demise as well. I see what he is capable of and what he is not capable of. I accept him as he is right now. But I have grown up enough to love him from a distance and see him happy even if it is with another woman. I have resigned myself to the higher power. My 2 questions to you is If he has truly matured (I know I have grown), is willing to work on communication and conflict resolution skills with me, is willing to seek counseling with me, address the addictions and is willing to start over new (not pick up where we left off) can we have a fulfilling relationship? I realize our values, boundaries and the reasons why it failed and why he chose now to insert self have to be reviewed. I would want a second chance. But is the trust foundation reparable? And for extra credit why has he chosen now to change his song and dance? I seek the male perspective.
    Thank you!

  6. @Lark…..Well, we’re sorry. We hate to hear about people splitting up, especially how your situation played out. To your questions. If both people truly are committed to trying again by finding a common ground, working together on how to understand the past and learn how to resolve issues in the future, then there’s no reason two people can’t begin again. It’s a good sign he’s waited this long to contact you. It’s not a gut reaction. He isn’t reaching out in desperation. It’s probably not out of fear of being alone. It sounds to us like he genuinely wants to try to figure this out. But your instincts are dead on. What he thinks he wants, and the reality may not jive, so the only way you’ll know is by how invested he seems to be, and what he’s willing to do—counseling or whatever it takes—to right the ship and get the two of you back on track. And this means over a period of time. You see Lark, your answers lie within both of you. You have to choose each other again, and do that every day for the rest of your lives. So yes, it can work if you both have that sort of fortitude and determination. Let us know if you have any other questions. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  7. I am in a dilemma right now. I was seeing a man for the past few months who had lost his wife to cancer. He got involved in a relationship with a woman immediately after his wife passed and he states that he is not happy in this relationship, although he has been in it for a couple years. I come along and we just click without any effort. He stated that I helped him to feel again, and showed him that he can be close to someone. He also stated that he wants to keep me in his life.

    Here is the catch; he has been going back and forth on, now that he sees he can feel again, he wants to offer that to her and see if he can feel for her, or just ending it.

    He has not told her that he is seeing me and I told him that was being dishonest and she deserves the truth. I told him I would give him time to let her know he wanted to date other people and her.

    Well it has been over a month and he did not do it. Now she is showing up at his house late at night unannounced. He says she has never done this before, but he still let her in and did not tell her not to do that again. When he shared that with me red flags began to wave and my insecurities when from 50 to 500.

    All my past pains came flooding in and unfortunately took over. I knew if I shared those insecurities and harped on them it would push him away. So, I said it. I realized afterwards that most of it was true. He said he wanted to cry seeing how pessimistic I was about myself.

    I then explained that I could not be the other woman because I have lost out when guys cheated on me and I was the main girl. I also shared that I looked at our situation through his eyes and I would choose her over me because I come with so much financial and personal baggage. I also explained that I did not want to walk away, but I need to respect his choice.

    He has not responded at all and I am afraid I have pushed him away all together. Do guys ever come back to women when they have such an emotional outburst and reveal such insecurity?

  8. @Latrice…..Before we get to your question, we don’t think you’re seeing this clearly. Here’s a guy who is basically cheating on his girlfriend with you. He’s also being dishonest with her, and basically playing you. Do you really think this is a guy you can build a solid relationship with? To answer your question: Yes, a guy will come back if he’s way into the woman. He’ll do what he can to work through the issue. We see your “outburst” as more a reaction to his poor behavior, and his “have his cake and eat it too” attitude. Anyone in your position would be bothered by this. Maybe they wouldn’t put themselves down, but they’d be very upset; and with good reason. So don’t beat yourself up over this. Just see it clearly and decide what your really want to do. Remember, you deserve to have someone who cares about you the way you care about them. Your thoughts? Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please share our site with friends. Or on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google plus, etc. We appreciate it. Thanks. ps. And THE GUYS are always happy to accept donations if you feel like we helped. No donation is too small or too big. Use PayPal button on right side of any page of our site.

  9. I need to know if theres a chance. I was friends with this guy for awhile until we realised the feeling were mutual so we started dating. He lost his job and didnt want to talk i went and hung out with a guy friend just to talk but in the past this male wanted a booty call. The guy im intrested in called him and i told him that i had hung out with this person he told me that we were done and never to talk to him again. I told him i no longer talk to this guy and he replies back to me saying he will always love me and i asked if we could work things out because i feel hes the one and that i do truely love him. He replied back by saying he feels the same way but needs to find a house and a job by me since there is some distance between us. I havent heard from him for 4 days. Will he be back or no? What do i do?

  10. @Katie….It’s too early to know. You need to wait and be patient, and see how this plays out. He’s got a lot to figure out first. Job. Home, etc. Just go with the flow and keep us posted. Come back and ask us another question when things have progressed a bit. Good luck. ps. Please share our site with friends. Thanks!

  11. I have very little paientce. Do i just wait paiently till i hear from him or do i call or text him just to let him know im still here?

  12. @Katie….You can call or text him to say hi, but we recommend letting him take the initiative. We see this taking a long time to sort itself out. If you’re not very patient, this situation might drive you crazy.

  13. So basically what your telling me is to be paitent cause hell be back?

  14. @Katie……We’re saying that he’s not even ready to make that decision. He’s got too much other stuff to sort out. Wish we could give you a guarantee but you’ll have to just wait and see on this one. It could go either way. Hang in there.

  15. My friends are telling me hes playing me but in my heart i know he didnt but its just so frustrating!!!!!

  16. @Katie……Ultimately this is your decision. We know your heart is speaking, but don’t discount your friend’s opinions. Sometimes friends can see things that the person in the situation can’t because they’re not so close to it. Something to consider. Good luck and take care. Keep us posted and come back anytime to ask a follow-up question.

  17. There not exactly friends there acaitance… But today he told me how much he misses me and that he messed up. Were going to try and work things out and hes looking for a job and a place here :)

  18. @Katie…..Well keep us posted and good luck. Just keep your eyes open and proceed slowly.

  19. He asked me to move there but now hes not talking to me at all today. I told him id move there im just so scared what should i do?

  20. @Katie…..We’d be cautious here. What is your gut telling you to do? What do your friends think? His inconsistent behavior is unsettling and probably indicative of how he’ll be if you move there. We know a part of you is very excited about the possibility of being with him, but you need to think really hard about this. Do you have any other reason to move there besides be with him? And how far are we talking? What will you do when you get there? It just seems like a huge move, almost like you’re skipping about five steps in between. We think you really need to get to know him better for a while. Date. Do the long distance thing. Something. Have your friends come on here and comment. We’d like their opinions as well.

  21. My gut is telling me everything will be ok. My friends are happy and excited they really liked him. Its the friends that didnt even meet him that thought he was a player. 500miles ill be moving. Im moving cause were both ready to take our relationship to the next level :)

  22. @Katie…..Okay, Katie. Good luck and keep us posted. Ask another question anytime.

  23. He ended up being a player and was leading on two other girls too.

  24. @Katie…..We’re sorry. But at least you know. Time to move on. Take care of yourself and come back anytime to visit, ask a question, or VOTE on our Ask our Audience page.

  25. I have been dating a man for a few weeks. Things were very well until he said I was coming on to strong after I told him I missed him. He broke it off with me. I am wondering what I can do to get him to give us a second chance. I have not called or text him and I also wonder how long I should wait to call him to say hi and maybe ask if he would like to go to lunch. He kept telling me he really liked me and it felt like he has known me forever. I am really confused.

  26. @Sawyer………If he was way into you he’d be fine with how strong you’re coming on. Might be time to move on.

  27. Heartbroken // June 4, 2013 at 10:26 am //

    Me and my now ex met on a dating site and had been together for 7months. I had been reluctant to meet him in the first place because I had been out of the dating game for so long. But I took a chance and went out with him and it was the best first date I ever had. We had a unbelievable connection however I still wanted to take things slow. Fast forward to a month later on New Years we finally began a relationship. We quickly fell in love with each other. He lives 45 min. Away but a quality we both have is patience and we made it work. We had the best time together. We never argued other then little disagreements. He was so in love that is was always him who brought up the future. Marriage, kids, one day hopefully adopting mine ( I am a single mom of two and he also has two) he always was the one to bring up commitment I never asked for. We made a plan that when our oldest daughter were out of school for the summer that we would start looking for places together, more towards where he lives because he recently just a got his new job as a correctional officer working towards his career, and my job is easliy transferable. His new job has been a little stressful for him as he works 2nd shift and his days off are Mondays and Tuesdays. So as you can imagine, it’s been hard to talk let alone see each other as much. Over the past month he had been expressing how hard that is for him and I could feel him get more distant from me. I tried what I could and support him but it wasn’t working. He wasn’t trying back. Finally I told him we needed to have a discussion about where this relationship is going. And he dropped the ‘I think we need a break’ bomb. We live 45 mon apart, barely see each other and he wants a damn break?! I told him I didn’t think that would help but because I love him I went with it and said ok however I’m not putting my life on hold. I assumed in my head him saying he wanted a break was an easy way of letting me down that it was over and he didn’t want to see me anymore. When I agreed he became a little defensive and made it clear that he didn’t want us to date other people. He ended up calling that very night asking to come down and see me. I agreed. We went to a local park so we could talk. After a long discussion it basically came down to he loves me, he’s still looking for places for us together, he still thinks in the one he wants to marry, but basically he has a few issues within himself he needs to work on before moving forward. I was hurt, but took the indifferent route cuz i didnt want him to see how hurt i was that he wanted time away from me. im a female what can i say? He took me back home and when I got out of the car I handed him a cute note I had made with some of our fun times and memories on them. He must have read it cuz 15 minutes later he pulled over on the side of the road and called me. He said he felt he should have stayed and worked things out tonite. And then he got mad at me! He said I didn’t fight for him, I was so indifferent, and I just got out of the car and walked away! He said he was gonna turn around and come back. But he must have been speeding and ended up getting pulled over and told me not to wait up. That he was going home and would make plans to see me.

    That was a week ago. I tried giving him the space he needed while trying to take care of myself. I got together with a friend that night and she showed me something that broke me in two. He was back on the dating site we met off of wanting a relationship and claiming to be looking for his princess. Wtf. I ended up texting him that I wish him well in his search for his princess and that I couldn’t believe I was so stupid. He never replied. Matter of fact he blocked me on Facebook after that. Like I was nothing to him and so replaceable. I cried. I was angry. But I took a couple more days to get myself together and realize a few things. I texted him yesterday and told him basically that he did not have to reply, but wanted to let him know that I’m not angry. Nobody can expect every relationship to work out I told him I missed talking to him becaus we were each others best friend. And if we were going to walk out of each others lives I would rather it be on good terms then bad.

    He did reply later that night asking why I didn’t question him about the dating site profile rather then just assuming. I told him because I was angry and hurt. He said he wasn’t mad but he made it as a ‘backup plan’ and it was supposed to be hidden and he wasn’t using it. How the hell do you go from wanting to marry someone to having a back up plan? Then he said that from the moment he said he needed space he felt like I had given up and the profile was his way of moving on. I told him I never have up, that I thought he was done and letting me down easy.
    He then said and this was the last text he sent me was “so basically we destroyed us over a misunderstanding” I said it appears so and I haven’t heard anything since. I feel I should just not contact him and give him his space. But guys please, this man I’m in love with has got me so confused with his actions. Does he want me or not? Am I really that replaceable that fast?

  28. Heartbroken // June 4, 2013 at 10:28 am //

    Correction * when our oldest daughters were out of school. We do not have kids together

  29. Felicia // June 24, 2013 at 1:51 pm //

    Hi,

    My name is Felicia and I’m 25 years old.
    During the past 2 years I have been having an on and off relationship with a guy that’s 27.
    We met on cruise ships where we both worked and he is an officer. We instantly fell in love with each other and it was the best and most amazing time in my life. To him as well if I should believe what he tells me.
    It hasn’t been that great all the time though and I really have a hard time to know what to do.
    After we had worked together, we got separated and he started to work for a different company. We made plans to keep the relationship going, but as soon he came onboard his new ship, he stopped contacting me. I got hurt and frustrated and broke up with him.
    I felt devastated after and was still so in love with him. A couple of month after, he contacted me and told me he missed me. We started to talk again, more or less every day and one day he came to visit me just for a few hours. The spark was still there and after the meet up we were crazy about each other again. Now there were no chance for us to see each other though because of our jobs, but we kept in touch as much as possible through email and Skype.
    After his contract we were planning for him to come and visit me in Barcelona where I now live and study. A month, more or less, before his visit, he sends me an email telling me he can’t come, but that he will call me so we can discuss it. He have other plans he needs to take care of that is important because it’s regarding his job.
    I get very upset and can’t believe he does something like this to me again. The phone call doesn’t end well because I feel hurt and neglected so I break up with him again and tell him I don’t want anything to do with him.
    I move to Barcelona and while I’m here I can’t think about anything else then this guy. My life feels empty and incomplete without him. After all, he was my best friend. I send him an email 3 months after the break up and write that I miss him and just 10 min later I receive a reply. Our contact is on again. This was in November last year and after that we have been having a steady contact. We were able to out of the blue meet up for (again) only a day. We said we wanted to try again and make it work and I could see that he had changed for the better. Paying more attention and sharing more of himself to me. We have been having daily contact, either on Skype where we talk for hours or on emails. The last was that we planned for me to come and visit him for my summer break for 2 months on the ships. We both said that we really looked forward to it and were both excited.
    Then a week before he is about to sign on again, the things happens. During our “relationship” I have always felt a little bit worried that I will get hurt again and I guess that is the reason why I have reacted they way I have. He has been saying that he is going to call me, but I’ve been ending up just waiting for nothing. That had happened a couple of times before he was about to sign on and I got frustrated and angry. I told him that he hurt my feelings and the next day he wrote me back that he was sorry, but that he had been really busy, but that I can’t tell him that I hurt his feelings just because of that. That triggers me and I start to write a long message about how neglected I feel, that he doesn’t care they way I do etc. I send it and I wait.. nothing. Then I ask him for a answer.. nothing. At this stage I have realized my mistake I think “what the hell did I do that for?” and then I get in to the mood of fixing it.. I NEEEEEEED to talk to him no matter what. I become CRAZY! I write to him to apologize, I call him 100 of times on his phone, Skype on gmail.. well everywhere and he doesn’t pick up. I feel completely foolish, but at the same time I just want to explain my self. I believe that he is angry at me because of what I wrote and I don’t want to be that crazy girl that suffocate her guy. All this accrued from Sunday to Monday and a little bit in to Tuesday. I beg for his forgiveness and things like that.
    On Thursday he is suppose to fly to Alaska and I end up writing him an email saying that I believe he is acting stupid and that he can’t just leave things like this. I’m still upset and in some kind of panic mood.
    Later he writes to me “I’m sorry I haven’t contacted you but I have been so busy that I want to cry. I call you later”
    Then he writes again an answer on my email “I apologize for not replying you, but this behavior of yours is more crazy than I thought”.
    I feel so ashamed, I’m not like this in normal circumstances, I became just absolute crazy and I realize it myself.. but way too late. I write to him that yes I know, it went completely over the line.
    The next day he contacts me on Skype, he is nervous for his new assignment. He is signing on a ship he has never been on before and a new place too. I try to support him, but I’m still upset because he acts like nothing have happened. He calls and he doesn’t apologize to my face so I act cold and not that supportive.
    This is a Friday, on Monday it’s my birthday and I don’t think he will write to me, but he does. It’s short though and just says that he hoped I had a good day. He explains his situation onboard which is really bad and he ends with a “take care”.
    I reply just a normal email, by now I feel like I have messed up EVERYTHING. I try to understand his situation with the ship and gives a couple of solutions and also a couple of questions. I end the email by saying that I wish that we soon could talk on Skype.
    That is the last thing i heard from him and that is 2 weeks ago. I feel that I have completely made a fool out of myself and that I have made him run over the hills away from me. I know why I panicked in the first place, because of the fear of loosing him again, but my reaction went over the top.
    I haven’t tried to contact him, I did write on Skype though a couple of days after his email, saying “miss you voice” and I know that he have seen it. But that is the absolute last thing I did and now I need some advice on what to do next. Some say that I shouldn’t do anything. He should come to me when he is ready, but when will that be? I was suppose to fly to him in 6 weeks and I still want that. Then some say that I should just short write to him that I messed up and that I’m sorry, but will that be to pushy for him? Will he disappear even more?
    I know this is a very long email, but I would appreciate some kind of guidance on what to do. Long distance relationships are a pain, but I really want this to work and I do love him very much.

    Thank you,
    Felicia

  30. GenaMarie // July 15, 2013 at 4:06 pm //

    Hi, I too am curious that I am left without hope of ever getting another chance. My story begins that I got pregnant by a guy who never spoke to me again and I’m now 8 1/2 months pregnant. He is not what I’m questioning though. Now yes, I realize another man stepping in to what I’ve already got going on is a lot to take on, but he’s known since day one. I am going to be 21 here soon and the guy is turning 22 a month after my birthday. He started talking to me after a shaky break up between the father of the baby and I, and he wanted to hang out and get to know each other better as we already knew of each other for quite a while since we worked together. The day we spent together I divulged everything as I wasn’t looking to hide anything from this man who seemed kind and seemed to be interested in me. A few days later he asked me to be his girlfriend after hanging out each day, even though I assumed my situation with the pregnancy would have turned him off completely. We dated for a total of 6-7 months, which was the majority of my pregnancy, meanwhile I ended up on strict bed rest in the hospital and he either stayed with me each night in the hospital or he would visit me on days he couldn’t stay. He would tell me that he loved me and that ever since he was young he had a list of things he wanted to accomplish and that list pertained to a career he had already chosen, getting a camaro which he’s always wanted, and to find a woman to settle down with. He told me he found that with me. Whenever we were together he would kiss my stomach and talk to my baby and tell him he loved him and he told me that he loved my baby as if it were his own. Things seemed perfect, I fell in love and never expected a single thing to happen that happened with him. He spoke of the future as he saw it between us while I was in the hospital and he wanted to get me a promise ring, which was his idea and he wanted to move slowly as he said he wanted to make sure I and my son were okay and taken care of first. He let me choose what ring I wanted which I saw one online I really fell for and he said he planned to get it. He told me that he wanted to get engaged eventually, get a house together eventually, he wanted to get married and then one day (he gave a rough time frame of 5 years from now) he wanted us to try to have our own baby together if I was ever willing to go through what I went through during this pregnancy he said he wouldn’t pressure me and understood if I wasn’t wanting anymore kids. He really seemed to mean what he said about what he wanted and where he saw our relationship going? So what happened? Well, like all relationships there was fights. When I turned 32 weeks pregnant they finally let me go home to continue my bed rest outside the hospital and the very next night my boyfriend went with his friend to watch his dad’s band play. We were texting so we could continue talking while he was out, and things were fine, and going the way they normally did. Cutesy pet names like sweetheart and babe thrown around during conversation. The convo turned sour as I asked him if he’d be coming over the next day because I wanted to see him and spend time with him. He said of course he would, and I proceeded to ask if he’d be staying with me again like he does most of the time when we spend time together. He said he probably wouldn’t be able to and when I asked why he said he believed he had plans with his best friend again. I got upset as its hard to be lonely on bed rest and the one thing I wanted was to see my boyfriend, and him stay overnight at my place. He jokingly said not to “get bent out of shape over it sweetheart” and that he’d be here all day with me beforehand. I was still upset because I was hoping to wake up to him and although I knew I was overreacting, Istill got upset because I constantly felt that he spent almost all his free time with his best friend and I always felt I had to be penciled in to his busy schedule and finally I just got upset and lost it. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore that I felt I was not able to spend as much time with him and yes, I basically got needy. Immediately after sending him the text I wanted to take it back and I tried apologizing and explaining and told him I didn’t want to end things, but he already told me wow you always assume I’m doing something I’m not (meaning not spending as much time with me as he does others, i assume?) And he used my words of “setting him free” against me by saying “thanks for setting me free though” with a smiley face. He refused to speak to me afterward. I tried texting and calling, left a voicemail to explain. Got no response. I waited the next day, tried again. Still nothing. He ended up hiding our relationship status on his page this day. The next day no contact again from his end, and he restricted what I could view on his page, but my relationship status no longer said I was with him and I realized his had to be single now. Nobody can see it on his page though. Still no contact from him, and a friend of mine told me he removed pictures and posts I had tagged him in or he tagged me in. I tried to contact his best friend which seems like a stupid and horrible idea now, but I tried asking what I did to deserve such a horrible reaction. He never responded, and deleted me on facebook but yet my now ex boyfriend was still friends with me? This all felt like a horrible dream as I didn’t see it coming. I quit trying to contact him for almost a week, tried messaging him on facebook when I saw him online, he read it but I got no response and I just asked if it were okay if we talked. nothing. Finally I made one last stupid decision which I shouldn’t have made, I parked next to his car in the parking lot where we both worked, waited for him to come out just to talk for a moment. His best friend showed up, ran inside to tell him I was out there I assume, and after waiting an hour a group of people walked up to my car telling me I was creepy for parking next to his car and to leave and that I didn’t need to wait on him because he refused to come out until I left and that he wanted nothing to do with me and didn’t want to talk to me. Basically, I’m curious as to what could have happened? Why did things take such a drastic turn for the worse? What did I do that was so horrible? Does he not have feelings for me all of a sudden? Why didn’t he block or delete me on facebook with things ending like it did? And my last question is, did I mess things up so bad that I have no hope or chance of being with him again?

    Thanks for your response, I really hope to hear a guys perspective.

  31. My names Sydni and my boyfriend of a year left me a week ago (technically). Our 13 months will be in 2 days. So we had a rocky relationship even from the start but from my side, I was always connected to him. I THOUGHT I had my first love right before him but he changed my mind. Right from the start, I could tell I was the only girl. But before him, I was having issues with another ex and my father. Which led me to make bad decisions while I was talking to my new guy. For example, I kept in touch with another ex and I had close male friends which he didn’t like. About 2 months into our “talking” stage, we both caught feelings for other people. We stayed with each other and let the others go. For the next couple months, there was a lot of arguing and jealousy. He is a very very very very jealous, over-protective, stubborn guy. We have both made our fair share of mistakes and mess ups. Within the past 2 months, a lot has gone on. In the middle of June, he asked for a break. I mistakingly kept texting him begging for him back. Then one day he saw me (about a week later) and came running back. For the next couple weeks, I found out about another girl he was hiding from me. I did all my stupid female instincts like investigating, texting her, everything. After 2-3 weeks, she was gone. Now about a week ago, a lot of evidence showed that another girl was coming along. It was like the beginning of the last time. So I got mad and said quickly out of my anger, “I am done.” So he took that as I broke up with him. Well in the past, we did have a lot of stupid pointless break ups that never lasted longer than a day. So when my anger passed and I went to explain myself to him, he told me he was gone because that was the last time. Mind you, 2 weeks ago he did the same thing to me and just told said “I meant I was done with the moment. Not you.” So I forgave him. But this seems legit, almost like the break. I have texted him everyday since the break up. He has told me he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t wanna be with me, he hates me, everything in the book. I also saw him twice and it didn’t affect him. I really don’t understand cause every other time, we could work it. He said a lot of things over the course of the relationship that made it seem serious. He was my first love and I was his. I also took his virginity. I now think hes wanting a new girl; hes making it very obvious on twitter. Though I don’t know if he’s saying those things for my attention. His new girl is also my friend. She claims there are no feelings, no nothing between them. Everyone is telling me he’s long gone, but why is there still that hope that he’ll be back? It’s now late afternoon and I haven’t talked to him all day. This is the first time I’ve gone a day without talking to him. We were always together 6-7 days a week and when we weren’t together, we’d be texting every second of the day. Now I’m looking for serious advice and guidance. Do I move on or will he be back? If so, when will he be back? Thank you!

  32. @GenaMarie……You didn’t do anything wrong. This is a case of a guy getting caught up in the fantasy of love, or the idea of love but not the reality. And once things began to ramp up he realized that he was in over his head and that maybe he didn’t want this type of responsibility at 22. So instead of being honest with you like a mature person might do he reversed things and put it all on you. It happens and it sucks. We’re really sorry. But we don’t get the sense he’s coming back. He’s happy to be free and realizes that he didn’t want what he thought he wanted. Our advice: Focus on your baby and taking care of your baby. This guy is not the guy you thought he was.

  33. @Sydni…..He might come back but it will be much of the same stuff. Do you really want that? Our advice: Learn from this and move on.

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