I really really need your help. I’ve got myself into a situation and don’t know what to think or do anymore. Three months ago I moved into a shared house and instantly clicked with one of my house mates. We were both in relationships at this point, but would have deep conversations about our relationships.
A few weeks later things broke down and we both ended up single! We then started to spend a lot of time together talking through all the crap we have been through and giving each other advice. I found that I was becoming attracted to him and we would always end up play fighting and teasing each other. We agreed that there was chemistry between us and a lot of sexual tension but that neither one of us could do sex without feelings getting involved and that both of us were not emotionally available! However one day we ended up having sex and it happened twice more since then. He says he doesn’t want a relationship but then acts like he does. We spend hours together every day, we cook for each other every day, we go out for meals, he even asks me to go shopping with him, or just out with him when he has places to go or things to do. (I.e going to the barbers or doctors!)
Recently, we spent a fun day together, but when we came home, he just turned around and said, “This has got to stop. I need to change my behaviour around you. It’s not fair to you.” Since he said those words he’s been quite cold with me!
I could really do with a man’s perspective on what is going on! I’m so confused and hurt I feel like I have lost a friend and potential partner. Do I give him some space and time or do I just give up and get on with my life?
Thanks for your question and donation.
Quite simply, he’s not able to see what’s right in front of him. It could be that he’s still processing his recent relationship and breakup, and that’s he’s just not emotionally ready to jump into something new. But our guess is, that the two of you bonded while commiserating about your partners. It happens a lot. Shared misery, anger, pain, confusion. It brings people together, connects them. It doesn’t always have to be about romantic partners, it could be shared experiences around family, loss, achievements, really almost anything. Often these types of connections can lead to something more. Which is what happened in your case.
The problem is, you see it as beginning, and he sees it as a transition. You are someone who made a difficult period in his life easier. That’s not to say he’s not very fond of you, it just means that he never had plans to take things as far as they got. He let himself go with it, and now he realizes that that was a mistake.
You might wonder: But why can’t he just go with it, especially since it’s so easy, natural and good?
For whatever reason, he doesn’t see you as someone he wants to have a serious relationship with. We aren’t mind-readers, but we don’t think this is about him being emotionally unavailable, or bad timing. The timing is actually good since you’re both conveniently single, which doesn’t happen so often.
In general, we don’t think this is going anywhere. He might be up for more sex, and more fun, more hanging out, but you have to listen to his words, not be confused by his actions. (Sex is a comfort for him, but it doesn’t go beyond that.)
We’re sorry. We wish we could be more positive.
ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!