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He came back, but he’s not asking me out

Hi Guys,

Ok, so here’s my situation. There’s this guy I really like. We went on a few dates and I really liked him. But then he said he wasn’t sure if he was staying in the country because he only had one year on his work visa. (So he said, “Take care, maybe I’ll see you around.”) I was so gutted and upset. I know in my heart there was potential for us.

Seven months later, much has changed for me. I got a new job and started college. I thought I had moved on, but I was wrong. He came back and added me on Facebook. I was in shock that he found me since I have a private profile. He tried to be casual about it but then admitted he’s been searching for me. And he said he missed me. I was so excited but I’m not sure if I believe everything he’s saying to me. Is he saying the same things to other girls?

Come to find out he scored a three year work visa. So, he’s been messaging me, wondering about plans for the weekend, and inquiring about when I’m studying. But he doesn’t actually ask me out. So I’ve been playing it cool. But finally I decided to go for it and said, “We should catch up. It’s been too long.” He responded by saying, “Yeah, it’s been too long.” But I still haven’t heard anything more, and it’s been two weeks since that correspondence.

I’ve been busy with exams, but I think about him every day. I still want this guy. I told myself that I won’t have a boyfriend for the next three years until I finish my degree, but I will make an exception for him. He is really worth it. Now, my question is: How do I show the guy that I want him without coming on too strong? And how can I tell if he is sincere and if he feels the same way?

If I don’t do something, I might lose him forever. Hope you can help.

S

Dear S,

Thanks for your question and donation.

We don’t doubt that you’re very much into this guy, but it’s hard to say how he feels. To us it seems like he’s playing games, trying to get you to do all the heavy lifting. Keep in mind, that in your first go-round, it didn’t take him long to start making excuses about how it wasn’t going to work because he was leaving the country. Now that he’s back, do you really see a big difference in his behavior? What you should be looking for is consistency. How consistent is his interest? To us it seems a bit intermittent.

But if that’s all true you’re probably wondering: Then why did he come back and search for me?

The answer is: He’s available and he hoped you’d be available. But that doesn’t mean he wants anything more than a few dates, maybe sex, hopefully a fun time. It certainly doesn’t mean he’s all of a sudden serious about you. If that were the case, he probably wouldn’t have let you go in the first place, and he’d definitely be pursuing you much more seriously AND consistently now, instead of the sporadic communication you’re seeing.

Understand, that it’s important for the guy to take the initiative. From where we stand, you’re the one doing all the work and that does not necessarily bode well for the future. When guys are way into a woman they usually are much more assertive than he’s being. Guys tend to ask for what they want. So far he’s been wishy-washy, trying to gauge whether you’re still open to him. At the very least, he seems a bit immature, and clearly not ready to be in any sort of committed relationship.

Our advice: Let him take the initiative from now on. That means, he should text or call you first. And he should be the one to ask you out. And keep in mind, a date is not going over to his house to hang out and have sex. A date is going out to dinner, or coffee, or to a show, out on the town. A date means talking and getting to know one another. If you decide to move forward, proceed with caution, and keep your eyes open.

All the best,

THE GUYS


 

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