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He dumped me, we remained friends, is he into me?

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Hey Guys,

Okay, my ex and I dated for one year and he broke up w/me. He said all the arguing, stress, and the fact that he wanted to date other women—since he’s only been w/ one other girl before me—made him lose feelings for me two months before the break up. When we broke up he wanted me to stay w/him as he started to cry. He gave me a big hug before parting ways. He felt really, really badly because I’m the closest person he has in his life.

He said he truly loves me and wants to be there for me but just doesn’t love me in the relationship way. I decided to not speak to him for a couple of days and then came to terms w/how things are going to be and decided to be best friends again. We were very close before dating, but we fell for each other. I’m still in love w/him even though I have no real problem being his friend. We see each other now and then but I have some questions that need to be answered regarding if he still likes me or not.

1. We went out w/friends and he was hitting on a girl in front of me all night, and I was somewhat cool w/it. But when it got too much I told him I have to go. I was sober but he thought it was too dangerous for me to go home alone. He demanded I stayed the night. I left anyway behind his back. That morning he called me 25 times. When I answered he was angry that I didn’t stay and that I had his ipod. I asked him if that’s why he called me 25 times and he said yes. He called just for his ipod and that I was supposed to stay at the apartment. I told him he was a jerk and that we can no longer be friends. We hung up went to bed. An hour later I woke up to 15 missed calls, I called him back, we apologized.

2. He lifted weights in front of me and watched to see if I was checking him out. I’ve been telling him that I don’t want a relationship again just to convince him I’m not trying to be friends to get back w/him. He seemed happy I said that.

3. We sat on his bed to watch “24” and he laid his head on my lap. I moved away and for the rest of that night he looked sad. Dropping me off at my place, I peaked outside the window and he’s parked outside my house looking a bit sad for 5 mins before driving away.

4. He sort of avoided me the next day, no calls, texts.

5. He texted me good morning the day after. We agreed to hang out. He picked me up, watched “24,” and was more friend friend like. He sits/lays closely next to me on the bed. I felt suspicious.

6.In the car, he tells me why we broke up (again), and that he likes being friends because he treats me right. He tells me I’ll find someone more suited for him.

7. In the car he helps me feel better because I’m conflicted w/school. We hold each other and stuff but more friend like.

8. He comes inside my house. One foot on the door he’s gonna leave but I keep him to talk to him more. He stays w/me and we’re like an inch apart from each other staring into each other’s eyes while talking and giggling for 6 minutes, just mega close to each other. He walks out the house. I kiss him on his forehead. He kisses me on mine.

9. He calls me twice this morning to check up on me. We assure each other once more that we’re just friends.

I’m really confused. I need to know if he likes me or is developing feelings for me. If he wants to just be friends and no feelings then I’ll be his friend, if not when is the proper time to talk about it to work something out? HELP!!

Nia

Dear Nia,

Thanks for your question.

We can see how you’d be confused. The lines between friendship and dating are blurred here. Our first reaction is: Do you think it’s healthy for you to still be hanging out with him? We know you say you’re not trying to get him back, but are you really being honest with yourself? It just seems you’re going through a lot of trouble to figure out what he’s thinking, and what he wants.

And what does he want? He says he wants to date other women. That seems pretty clear to us. Otherwise, why in the world would he break up with you? You sound like a great match for him, and the two of you have a wonderful friendship. He’d be a fool to give that up, unless he really views you as a friend, rather than girlfriend.

We can see some inconsistencies from your list, but here’s a guy rule to keep in mind, that might explain things more.

Rule: Guys don’t want their ex-girlfriends to date anyone else, even if they don’t want to date them anymore.

(Maybe we’ll do a video about this. Have you checked out our Video Page?)

Anyway, this rule could explain why he’s keeping you close. Sure, he values your friendship, but on the other hand he hits on other girls in front of you. Then he says he only wants to be friends, but then he kisses you on the forehead, and does other things that make you wonder what’s going on. This is a game. Sure, he’s conflicted, and part of him feels like a fool for breaking up with you, but he also knows he doesn’t want a relationship with you. So you’re getting mixed signals, and this will continue for a long time. In fact this is likely to continue until one of you starts dating someone else seriously.

So you have to decide whether or not this friendship is working for you. If it’s not, time to move on, as sad as that may be.

As far as your question: We think you should talk to him as soon as you’re ready.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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11 Comments on He dumped me, we remained friends, is he into me?

  1. Dear Guys,

    I was recently dating a great guy and we were in a relationship for nearly two months. Everything was great and we were really into one another, enjoying walks, going to restaurants and bars, and staying over at his place.

    The last weekend I was there, I was just kissing him gently, and he suddenly went very quiet with me. I thought I did something wrong to upset him and I started to cry. I went to rinse my face in the bathroom then came back. He asked if I was OK, and I asked him if I did anything to upset him. He said that I hadn’t. But then he hot me with the bombshell that he thought things weren’t working out between us. I just completely broke down. He said I was lovely and that he liked me, but he didn’t see us as a couple.

    I had fallen head over heels for this guy, but I’m struggling to understand why he decided to call time on us and why he couldn’t have approached me sooner if he didn’t want to be in a relationship. I’m so confused, and I agonise because I miss him so much. It’s been nearly a month and I’m still thinking about him. Please help me.

    Lilo

  2. @Lilo……We’re so sorry that you’re feeling so sad about this. Losing someone you love is very hard. But the reason he didn’t tell you sooner was because he wanted to be sure of his feelings. What we’re reading here is that he cares for you very deeply but he just didn’t feel that “feeling” that he wanted to feel. And as soon as he realized this, and was 100% sure, he told you. The best you can do is let yourself feel sad, but then pick yourself up, surround yourself by people who care for you, and try to move on when you’re ready. Take care Lilo. And please let us know if we can help in the future.

  3. Dear Guys,

    This is a long one but I am so desperate for help 🙁 4 weeks ago my boyfriend of nearly 3 years split up with me just after we got back from a lovely holiday in Tenerife, it was kind of out of the blue. we don’t live together he lives with his mum but stayed over at mine for 4 nights a week. We were very happy and although when we did row it was pretty explosive, we went on 3 holidays abroad every year, we had fun days out and stayed in hotels, as well as cosy nights in. Anyway back to the point, after being together about a year and a half, I asked him if he would buy a house with me, he seemed reluctant but agreed to it, we looked at houses, saw a mortgage advisor and I got so excited, then one day we had a row over something really trivial and he backed it and said ‘I don’t actually want this’ I was gutted but I accepted it and things continued as they were before.
    After another year I posed the question again and pretty much gave him an ultimatum, he agreed that in the new year we would get this house together, we would talk about ‘his garage for his motorbike’, the pets we would have, decorating etc etc i was so excited so went I went on about it a lot, but its what iv wanted for ages. A few days before he split with me I said to him in bed ‘I can’t wait till January’ he replied with ‘I can’ i cried and got quite upset, he was mad and said I couldn’t take a joke.
    Anyway the night he finished with me, he said he wasn’t himself anymore and he just didn’t feel happy. He was in absolute floods of tears and didn’t seem to want to leave, he didn’t take his stuff and when he got out to his car he was sick. He hugged me for ages before leaving,
    I met with him 2 weeks later as I said we could be friends, (I think I was clutching at straws and wanted any excuse to see him) we went for a lovely meal and just talked about normal things, such as work and his bike and me and my friends etc, when he dropped me off I thanked him and apologised to him for being grumpy if I ever was or too pushy, he just said said .i can’t give you what you want’ with a sad face.
    I decided not to text him for a while to let him miss me, he got mad and wanted to know why, he said he was finding it all very hard, I explained he finished with me and he calmed down, he then asked me if I wanted to see him again and when I said yes a week on Tuesday, he said ‘lets just leave it’ I think he wanted to see me sooner. Eventually he calmed down and we arranged to meet up another 2 weeks later, we met on Friday night, we went to a local seaside town and played in the arcades and then went for something to eat, it was like old times we had so much fun. At the end of the night, when he was dropping me off I asked him if we were going anywhere, he looked so confused, he said ‘I can’t make you happy it doesn’t matter how many times you say you don’t want a house yet. I know you do’ I explained again that I loved him and would wait and he said it wasn’t fair on me and I deserved someone to treat me like the princess that I am, all this was through tears, we sat holding hands crying for over an hour., he kept saying im sorry iv ruined your life. I hugged him before he left and I went to kiss him, I pecked him twice and he kissed me back. I told him I couldn’t see him again which made him even more upset but he seemed to understand.
    The following day I just couldn’t stop crying so that eve I text him, I told him I couldn’t cut him out my life and he said if I can handle it he will see me this Saturday. I am so desperate to get him back and make him see sense but I know not to ask again or be pushy, I am not even texting him. It has been 3 days since I have seen him, please give me your advice or opinions, I think maybe be wants to be with me but is scared, I’m heartbroken and confused 🙁
    Thanks Guys xxx

  4. @Katie….We know how painful this is. We’re sorry. Truly. We wish we could give you some sort of solution to your situation, but the best we can do is be honest with you. From what we can see he desperately wants to love you the way you love him. He wishes he was excited about buying a house and beginning a life with you. And he’s tried, over and over to be just that. But he knows deep down it’s not working for him. When he says, “I can’t make you happy” he’s saying that he knows he doesn’t feel the way he needs to feel in order to move forward, and that there are probably plenty of guys that would feel that way. His angst over this has been going on for a long time, probably since the first time you discussed buying a house. It might seem sudden to you, but he’s been mulling it over for the last year and a half. Sure, this may go back and forth for a time, him giving you mixed-signals and confusing you some more, but the best advice we can give you is try your best to move on. (That is after you’ve given yourself some time to process and feel sad over this. It is sad.) We just don’t see him changing his mind since he’s had three years to figure it out in the first place. Sure, it could be fear, it could be anxiety, but it almost doesn’t matter what’s holding him back, because it’s him. This is who he is. You’re not going to change him. Once again, we are truly sorry. Your thoughts? Take care of yourself and hang in there. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. @TGPBuzz.

  5. Dear Guys,

    A little background: I met a guy back in 99. We became friends then FWB which then led to a 2yr relationship which ended becuz he cheated. We hung out for a bit after that then suddenly he disappeared. After about 7 yrs we ran into each other one thing led to another and we slept together after we tried the friend thing but it didn’t work out. Then in end of 2010, I believe, I sent him a message on MySpace and we have been talking ever since. He has a gf, who found out that we were sleeping together every once in a while, he then told me that he loved her n that he told her he would try to not talk to me anymore. A couple months went by and he started calling n coming around again. He played his game of ignoring me and only calling when he wanted until I told him that if he wanted to be in this friendship It’s all of the time not just at his convenience. Finally, in Feb of 2012 things changed. He called me all the time n there’d be times we’d spend hrs on the phone, we hung out almost every day and still once in a while we’d sleep together, things were actually going great (and still is) but mind u he still has the same gf. He still has his moments of ignoring me but is there for me and has really showed me that r friendship is important to him like he said. He knows how I feel about him (I’m in love with him) and it has been hard at times but I want him in my life. I tell him i love him, not all the time, but he says friends dont tell each other all of the time and up until valentines day, a few days after i sent him an email telling him to really think bout r friendship n what it means to him cuz i was getting tired of being blown off especially the day before I had surgery n needed my friend. Then on Valentine’s day he called to check on me n said he loved me and has said it 2 more times since then. Which is surprising since it took him 2 yrs to say it again n before that it was back in 2003… Anyway I just wanted to give u some insight on r relationship. My question is. What does it mean when he feeds me? I catch him staring sometimes and we wrestle with each other almost every time we hang out. We hug all the time (like real hugs, squeezing me and holding me close for several minutes) and he kisses me on my forehead. He says he loves his gf n what we had is over but if that’s the case then why does he keep coming back into my life and why are we now best friends. I just don’t get it. People don’t normally remain this good of friends after a break up like we had. Idk if he’s keeping me in his back pocket in case things don’t work out with her or he really does love me but is torn between us. I’m sooo confused!! Please help! I just wish I knew the deal. I see the same look in his eyes that I saw when we were together but then Maybe It’s just me wishing n hoping n letting my emotions take over. Maybe It’s all in my head. Maybe the attraction I feel when we stare into each others eyes is just what I feel… Im so torn because I love him soo much and I love our friendshi, the way we can weird with each other and it doesn’t matter and how we make each other laugh and feel better when we are having a rough time. I’ve tried to move on n he says he has but I just can’t. I love him more than anything in this world, the good and the bad. I’ve told him this n he hugs me so tight and says he loves me too…I know I can’t change him and I don’t want to. I just want the honest truth once and for all bit I know he will never be completely honest about his feelings which drives me crazy…… Can u guys give any advice, insight anything?? Thanks!

  6. @Josie……..So let us get this straight: He’s got a girlfriend who he says he loves. But he also says he loves you. Is that right? To us, if he was totally in love with you he’d break up with his girlfriend to be with you. And he’s not doing that. So basically he’s either a total player and keeping you in the fold, or he’s not interested in you as anything more than a great friend, or possibly a FWB. And what about his girlfriend? He’s pretty much cheating on her emotionally with you. How do you think she’d feel about that. And do you really want a guy who does that to his girlfriend? Who’s to say he wouldn’t do that to you down the road? Bottom line: We think you’re clinging to something that isn’t going to happen. BUt of course that’s just our opinion. You have to do what you have to do. Good luck.

  7. In a similar, confusing situation. My ex and I have been broken up for almost eight months now. At this point, I realize it is because both of us have a lot of personal things to sort out in our individual lives. I personally feel like this is something we should be able to do as partners, but I don’t think he thinks that way.

    My question pertains to the way my ex has been treating me recently, if he’s thinking maybe reconciliation might be in the cards. After a slow start, we got to being friendly a few months after the break up, and we’d even started hanging out and flirting a little. Then, out of nowhere, he tells me he’s met someone, though he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to pursue her or what. I told him I couldn’t stick around while he was trying to figure it out so I went NC. He knows I still love and care for him and want to fix things, btw.

    Anyway, three weeks into the NC, he sends me this long, hand-written letter about everything he’s messed up on in his life and what he’s doing to fix it to be a better person. He talked about not being happy as casual acquaintances and that he thought I should take the time to “temper my beautiful soul” instead of waiting for him. He hoped for forgiveness from me in the future. I wrote him back to say I did forgive him, I understood and I was there if he needed me. Then I went NC again. Two weeks later, we started talking again, both via text and phone calls, and though it was rough at first, he eventually FB friended me again and has been blowing me up every day since. Very interested in my life, new hobbies, wants to play online games with me again, wants to hang out. He stalks my Tumblr and reads it literally every day. When we talk, our conversations are sometimes about fun, casual things, but sometimes they are very emotional (i.e. about things we screwed up on, our current emotional states etc.). He listens when I talk, he held me when I got overwhelmed by sadness while telling him some hard stuff I’ve been handling. Also, he avoids talking about the girl he’s seeing, and he calls her that… “the girl he’s seeing”… so I feel like it might not be serious?

    Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to understand is what my ex is doing, if he’s trying to feel it out and get closer again or what. I’m still interested in reconciliation, and he sometimes makes these little comments that implicate a future where things are okay. He scares easily, though, so I don’t want to be aggressive, but I also don’t want to be a hopeless doormat either. Thoughts?

  8. Dear Guys,

    I’m 21 years old. I have had a great and amazing but sometimes tumultuous 2-year relationship with my recent ex. He’s an amazing guy, who studies here internationally from Greece. During our relationship, I never had a doubt in my mind about how much he loved me. The thing that really shook our relationship was the fact that I had decided to go abroad to Germany for five months. I thought about our options (this is probably about 6 months to the date that I am leaving, I’m leaving this March), and decided that may be a break would be better for us. I trust him however, I didn’t want us to get into a fight over Skype or anything and break up while being so far away (he will be in New York for almost the entirety of my abroad stay). So I told this to him and at first he was very depressed and upset that I would even say such a thing. I had told him that it would be a break, and if there was any sex with anyone, it would be a don’t ask, don’t tell situation. I wanted to tell him early because I wanted him to know that it was coming. At the time I was half broken on staying together and breaking up but I thought that the answer will come closer to the date that I’m leaving. Eventually he complied and we were happy and we had some great memories.

    Coming up to this winter, we decided to get a new room together (we’ve been living together for almost the same time we’ve dated), because of roommate clashes. But the strain of moving and finals had as fighting a lot. It became too weary but we made up although we were tired. I drove him to the airport one day since he was leaving to go back to Greece for the holidays and we left on a good note. But two days after I skyped him, we got into a small fight again about the apartment and suddenly he broke up with me. At first I was stunned. We always had crazy fights where we would break up for a minute and get back together the next minute. It wasn’t serious. But I had an ill feeling that this was. We talked a lot on Skype after that, I was completely devastated and was really confused because he would cry when he was listening to me. I would always half accept the breakup but then beg him to give it another shot. He said he couldn’t, he just feels he needs to be a different person right now. (At this point its two months until I leave for Germany). Then I couldn’t handle fighting over long distance ( like I said why I wanted a break because I feared this would happen), and took the next flight to Greece.

    When I landed, I was preparing that he would be distant and cold but he embraced me and kissed me and held me the moment I came there. We had a great week and at first I didn’t bring up the breakup but then I eventually had to. He admitted he still loved me, does not want me out of his life, but he just doesn’t know anymore. He said all these things, even that he wants to marry me but that it wasn’t that simple. Eitherway, I tried to be strong and told him that as long as I know he loves me, then I’m fine (though I was dying). I left to go back home on a good note.

    But a week after I was back ( he was still in Greece at the time and wouldn’t arrive until a week later ), he told me matter of factly that it was over. Again the whole speech that he just doesn’t think we have a future, it won’t work, yet he still loves me, he doesn’t want me to leave his life entirely but that its over. He’s supposed to live with me when he comes back but decided that he would rather couch jump than stay in the same room. Then he said this, “I’m doing this to make it clear to you. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I love you but not in a relationship way.” It’s been a few days since he stated that and currently he’s staying in the same apartment complex with a friend, sleeping on the couch ( it drives me insane that its a friend who’s a girl), but he would visit me everyday. And in those visits, they were frustratingly brief where he would hug me, kiss my cheek, kiss my neck, tell me he loves me, then looks at his phone and says, oh I’m meeting up with my friends. And I would beg him to stay a little bit longer, since he is still paying for half of the apartment he refuses to stay at, and he says in an asshole way, “You don’t seem to understand what just happened to us.” And I tell him, yes I do, but if I am going to be his friend, then why is it so bad that I’m asking him to stay a bit longer. Again that whole thing about how this is hard on him.

    This is where I am currently, I’m leaving for Germany in six weeks. Like I said, its been a couple of days where this is my life. I’m basically branded as being single, yet stuck in an apartment that my ex is paying half for, an ex whom still states he loves me, wants to visit me everyday but can’t promise that he will since he states that one day he won’t want to and he doesn’t want me to get angry, so basically im in the Limbo of Limbos. Prior to him arriving my friends have come to comfort me and even slept over to get me through those dark nights. Half of me is at peace because I know that he still loves me and half of me isn’t because he clearly doesn’t want to be with me even if he does. I just want to know what he’s thinking. He doesn’t admit that the reason is Germany, he looks at me and says its not me and even if it is he still comes and holds me and snuggles me the same way (though to be clear, no sex or kissing has occurred), but at the same time he has never asked me to stay. Part of me wants to bring up the conversation of what would happen if I do stay (which btw, would screw over my entire school since I’m going there to study) but part of me is listening to my friends who are telling me that I shouldn’t feel trapped, that I should start acting single and that he only wants to keep his options open. And I kind of have, I’m slowly talking to people on dating sites but I know I wouldn’t want to really meet them or initiate anything with them, I’m really not that kind of girl, and to be honest, I’m not ready. It’s only been two weeks since we officially broke up and a few days since he arrived. Then I’m going to Germany ( if I go), so definitely nothing serious. I really just want a cuddle buddy, I’ve had a boyfriend sleep next to me for two years and I live alone now and the loneliness is so hard. Another thing that I don’t understand is his living situation, he’s waiting on his guy friend to fix his flooded house, that’s most likely the person he’s going to live with during the duration that he wants to avoid living with me, but because it isn’t happening soon. He’s living with a very rich girl that although he says he’s just a friend and I trust him, it still kills me that he’s slept at her place for two days now while we live in the same building. He sleeps on the couch and she has a roommate, all his luggages are there (he refuses to even put that in my room), but i feel or at least hope that she will get sick of him living in their living room. I don’t know if its gonna drive him back to our room or not, though I hope so so I know where he is. He’s also paying 1000 per month for it yet he doesn’t stay in it. He feels that its fine since he’s in school most of the time but still, I don’t know since it would depend on her and her roommate if they tolerate him long enough. The wicked side of me hopes they get sick of his presence. But to add to that point, she is a friend and friend’s can only tolerate so much.

    So again, I would just like some advice on what to do. Again were broken up so part of me doesn’t want to argue or really talk about much. There’s that part of me that thinks he just needs time and I should be this damsel waiting for him and loving him from afar while he treats me somewhat unfairly and has a chokehold on me though he doesn’t realize it. I don’t know if I have expressed how I really feel to him, I’ve just told him how hard this is for him to visit me then leave. There is that normal part of just knowing and understanding that this is a part of loss. Yet I’m afraid that if I continue to express myself or talk about this relationship, if there is still, it would only make him draw back. I haven’t asked him what would he do if I stayed rather than go to Germany, if that would make a difference, like I said, I don’t know if that is the real reason, if he did one day snap or have always thought about that it was either stay or break up, and simply can’t handle me being so far away so he’s simply just drawing himself way back to reduce the hurt. I don’t know, I’m wondering if it is. I really just don’t know what to do at this point. I really need help.

  9. @Sandra…….You’ve told us this whole story but you haven’t really stated what you want, only that you have plans to go to Germany. And maybe that’s what he’s reacting to. The fact that you chose to go to Germany without consulting him. And then you decided what was best for the relationship and made the decision that you needed to make a break without consulting him. And maybe it’s those thing combine with a tumultuous two years, and the fact that he’s relatively young to be tied down that drove him to make the break from you. It’s also possible that he didn’t want to wonder what you were doing for those 5-6 months that you’re going to be in Germany, and didn’t like your plan of “don’t ask, don’t tell” so he ended it. From our perspective it sounds like he’s reacting to the fact that you’ve taken control of the relationship and it’s no longer balanced. That said, he could also be using this as an excuse to make the break. So the question is what should you do? First you need to decide what you really want. Clearly, you dictating the terms isn’t working. Is it possible for you to go talk to him, tell him what you want, and see if you can come up with some sort of mutual decision? Or at least a mutual understanding of what’s going on? However Sandra, taking all of this in mind, sometimes relationships just run their course. Maybe you made the decision to go to Germany because you needed the space yourself? Maybe you felt in your gut that you needed to mix things up a bit? And you needed a change? We think you need to take a long look at your own actions and figure out why you’ve made the decisions you’ve made. It’s possible that this breakup is exactly where you need to be. Only you can answer that. Fill us in. Even though we’re being direct, we’re also trying to be supportive. Good luck.

  10. Hey,

    So this guy and I had a long distance relationship but he just wants to be friends with me so we broke up.

    What does it mean when guys says,” just be friends”…

    Does it mean they’re going to talk to you again? Or are they just saying that to be nice and no contact after the break up.

  11. @Maddy……Well, that depends. First off, it means he doesn’t want a relationship. Second, in your case, being in a long-distance relationships, it probably means that the two of you won’t talk much, which probably means, you won’t be friends. In general, the statement “just be friends” means he’s breaking up. UNLESS…..the two of you were good friends previously, and go back to being good friends. OR…..the two of you dated seriously for a long time and you both realized you were better off being good friends. Does that help clarify? Other questions?

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