He hides our relationship

Dear Guys,

So I’ve dated this guy for a while now, and it’s been a known fact between us that he doesn’t want anyone to know we’re dating. I was fine with it for a while but it started bothering me. I try to get into conversations with him about it and ask him why he doesn’t want anyone to know, but he never really answers, he just changes the subject. I know I might just be acting sensitive but it kind of feels like he’s ashamed of being my boyfriend which hurts. I’ve asked my friends and they constantly say break up with him, while others say he’s just being protective. I doubt the latter since when his friends or other guys flirt with me, he just stands there and acts like it’s not happening. Why does he act the way he does and should I break up with him?


Dear June,

Thanks for writing. We haven’t seen this type of situation in a long time. We can see how this would be hurtful to you. We’re sorry.

Unfortunately we don’t have good news for you. We can’t think of any positive reason he would want to hide this relationship. When people are happy to be with someone they typically want to tell the world. Sure, sometimes people hide things from their parents if they know they might not approve, but they certainly wouldn’t hide it from their friends.

As far as him being protective, it’s unlikely. That really doesn’t make any sense to us. Protective from what? If he was being protective he would be acting completely the opposite. He would want EVERYONE to know because he’d be claiming his territory. If he was being protective he wouldn’t let you leave his side, and he wouldn’t want other guys to talk with you or interact with you. (That wouldn’t be good either.)

June, we like to give answers that help people figure things out for themselves, but we don’t see this relationship going anywhere, and frankly it doesn’t sound like it’s good for your self-esteem. You need to take care of yourself, and make sure the relationships you pick boost your self-esteem, and energize, and empower you, not make you feel worried and insecure.

We hope this helps you put things into perspective.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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37 Comments on He hides our relationship

  1. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few weeks. His previous relationships lasted less than 2 weeks and he says he didn’t even hugged his past girlfriends in public.He holds my hands and kisses me in public but he doesn’t want anyone to know about us, especially our parents. He says he needs to fix issues with the university first so his parents won’t blame those issues on me. The thing is, he will transfer next semester to another university. When I asked him if he would visit me after the transfer but he said it was too early to think on that. Does he only want a relationship with me that lasts one semester? Should I wait until he finally fixes those issues?

  2. @Rose…..Honestly, it seems quite early to be worrying about next semester. Our advice to you would be to enjoy the present and see how it goes. Two weeks is a very short time. You’ll probably have a much better sense of where the relationship is headed in a month or two. And you’ll also have a better sense of how you feel, and whether you want to stick it out or not. If you still have questions at that time, check back with us and we’ll give you some feedback. Sound like a plan? Until then, have fun!

  3. Hi all, so my boyfriend and I met at college last year and started dating in May of last year. Everything was great I met his family eventually and he met mine. Come November we got into a constant argument over something so irrelevant but it ended things for a good 3 to 4 months but we stayed in contact. Come May of this year he came home from college and we started fully seeing eachother again. However in the time that we’ve been fixing things he has yet to tell his parents we are back together and to his sister he denies me. I believe that when we argue he results to her for moral support because he doesn’t have anyone to give him advice about us. To his sister she says he wants to move on and says I bug him but his sister has never been a trust worthy person to anyone in fact she’s screwed me over several times. But I know that his parents yet to have known about me since the split last year in November. What should I do about this? I love him and he loves me but I don’t know how to react.

  4. @AJ…..Sounds like he’s conflicted. Maybe he wants to wait and see what happens between the two of you? Or maybe he’s just viewing this as a summer fling and he’ll break up when he heads back to college in the fall? Whatever it is, he’s got one foot in and one foot out. You can either talk to him, and tell him how his actions make you feel, or you can just go along with things as they are. Obviously if you talk to him, it could backfire and he might decide he doesn’t want to be with you. Or you might get to a better place with your relationship. On the flip side, if you don’t talk to him you’re going to feel how you feel now. Frustrated. Upset. Uncertain. Insecure. It’s your call. ps. Please let your friends know about us. And check out our e-reports on the seven most frequently asked questions. Thanks.

  5. So I’ve been with my bfs for 13 months. We practically do everything together. However he keeps me and his friends separate. I’ve never meet his best friend but he knows of me. Yet I know nothing of him. He goes at to party’s and never asked if I would like to tag along. I do however have a curfew but still a “would you like to go” would be nice. His parents still don’t know in his gf he just says “they haven’t asked”. He won’t say we’re together unless someone ask. I feel insecure that maybe his ashamed of me?

  6. @Juana…..How old are you? Do you live with your parents? How old is he?

  7. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  8. Lonely on the coast // October 6, 2016 at 5:32 am //

    Hi Guys,
    I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a year now – on and off. We were coworkers and both went through breakups around last summer. We started seeing each other after that. Things were electric, until he started talking to his ex again. We cooked off for a month and a half. Everything picked right back up where we had left off – but was still seeing his ex until last spring. Now he doesn’t want me seeing other people and is pursing a full commitment with me, so he says. I have found him texting other women and he does not take pictures and post them on social media. I feel las if I’m being played the fool. It’s hard for me to see through the BS when I’m living with him and can see he’s spending his time with me. However, I’ve become insecure and doubtful when he’s on his phone or says he’s going somewhere that takes longer than it should. He has stated that he is wary of completely committing because of my baggage, but if this is the case why wouldn’t he just casually date instead of being in this relationship that no one knows about? Mind you I have met some of his friends. I just feel that if he was as serious about us as he says he wouldn’t care what others think. Example: my birthday was last night and he’s a big picture taker. He took pictures of our food and even if me but not one of the two of us. Plus, these pictures were only shared with my friends and family. I love him dearly and I want to pursue this relationship. I just don’t want to end up hurt.

  9. @Lonely on the Coast…..We’d like to help you figure this out but we need a little more info. When you said he was seeing his ex, does that mean he was dating her? When did you start living with him? What do you mean by your baggage? Why do you think he’s hiding the relationship? Is there something we’re missing? How old are you? Him? Are you the same religion/ethnicity? Please fill us in a little more.

  10. I with him been a year, I know he really been busy with work, he always tell me where he going whenever I ask, I know he telling me the truth because I know when I call him. I go his place once in a week or twice. But he don’t tell any of his friend we are in relationship. Is he dating another girl while dating with me?

  11. @Wenssey……That’s difficult for us to say. However, it’s not a great sign that he’s hiding your relationship. Why is that do you think?

  12. Hi, My boyfriend and i were going great for about 3-4 months but then we kept fighting and we ended it multiple times. We are currently together but its a lot different… He doesn’t hug/kiss me in front of anyone and we barely talk. He makes stupid excuses or says it feels weird to hug me yet when were alone he’s all over me? Also when i try to call him he says hes busy or that I’ve offended him (in a supposedly joking way) and hangs up. I really love him but i don’t know if i can stay anymore. and even if i do leave i know it’ll be really hard to move on.. help??

  13. @Anon……This sounds hard. Honestly, he’s acting like a guy who’s mainly in it for the sex. That would explain why he’s all over you when you’re alone, but after he gets what he needs he doesn’t treat you well when he’s not with you, or doesn’t want to be intimate. (Hugs/Kisses) And then the cycle repeats. We’re sorry. What are you actually getting from this relationship?

  14. I think I went on a date??? We flirted a lot and got close over the summer. He moved and I came to that state on separate business it we set a day aside to see each other. We planned on skydiving, but it didn’t pan out so he said we’d do something else. We went off-roading and were out all day. Did the things he loves, listening to country, driving around in his jeep, it was a cool day. He went out of his was to drive me home -2 hrs from himself. BUT I like to snapchat and he didn’t want me to get us in the video when he told me to snap from his phone. Also I had to use the bathroom at his house and after coming from NY to NC to see him not just my sister as well, but still very much for him he didn’t want his parents to meet me whom he had AT THE CERY LEAST became friends with and worked with since April and had been talking to since. Was it a date? And also after that day he cut of all communication- no reason not nothing. Why? Because he didn’t wanna hide me anymore?

  15. @Vicky…..Sounds like a date. Did anything physical happen? And where do you stand now? Any communication at all? (Also: When you say you got close over the summer. Do you mean physically as well?)

  16. This guy we’ve been together for a year now but he have never ask me out to be his girlfriend. He gets jealous when I talk to other guys, tells me he like me and that I am too good for him. He has not introduce me to anyone in his family besides his father because they live together. We are not friends on Facebook. I cannot look at his phone. He seems very secretive about it. We took a photo together with my polariod and he said he will keep it with his sisters pictures but I found it hiding behind one photo the next day. I have not confront him about this but it really hurted my feelings finding out photo behind another one. What should I do?

  17. I’ve been talking to this guy and we’ve gone on dates before but whenever he’s with his friends he acts like he doesn’t even know me. I’ll call him when he’s with his friends, and he’ll say he’s always busy and before I can say anything he’ll hang up. He told me he loves me but he never wants to be seen around with me and it really hurts to know that. When we’re alone he’s always all over me and pays attention to me. He gets mad if I talk to other guys and he does tell them to back off so I’m a little confused. He’ll ignore me when he’s with his friends and family but when a guy talks to me he finally acts like we’re in a actual relationship. He doesn’t want to be seen with me when he’s with his friends. What should I do? I feel like a fool when he does this to me.

  18. @Esme…..You’re right to feel confused, hurt, and angry. So is there some sort of reason you can pinpoint for why he’s acting this way? For example: Big age difference? Cultural difference? Socio-economic difference? Ethnicity? Educational? Fill us in and we’ll get back to you. (If you want to do this privately, consider our Ask a Private Question option. Yes, there’s a fee, so read testimonials on our Relationship Coaching/Advice page.) If not, we can provide some feedback here in the comments. Let us know or get back to us with your responses to our questions.

  19. WhenYou'resemifamous // August 13, 2017 at 10:23 pm //

    Hello Guys!
    My question is sort of on the same lines as this thread. My boyfriend and I have a great relationship. We have a lot in common, we’re both goofballs, he loves my daughter as his own, whatever. However, due to his job (professional sports), he doesn’t like other people, aside from his family, to know of our relationship. Normally I handle it fine because it doesn’t matter, but we just got into a heater argument about me telling a mutual friend about our date(which was great, no complaints) . He lost his cool and implied that if I was to do it again, he’d leave me. I dont want to lose him, but I feel like my life is a lie. Help?

  20. @WhenYou’resemifamous……What you need to figure out is WHY he’s hiding you. Meaning, he says it’s because of his line of work, but is that really the case. (It may be. It may not be.) What are some other reasons he could be hiding you? 1. He could have other relationships going on. 2. He doesn’t see you as someone he wants to get serious with so why tell anyone……..That said, what does he say is the reason he doesn’t want people to know? What did the argument look like? Seems to us that he’s pretty quick to move on. That’s not a good sign. We’d say that it’s more important for you to live an authentic life and have an authentic relationship, than to be hidden away from the world. What do you think? Before you do anything you have to be ready for what could happen. Which means, you have to be okay with him leaving if you push the issue. Are you?

  21. I have been in a relationship for three years with a guy who even proposed unofficially to me. Yet, he hides me. I can understand hiding from his parents if they are hard on him. However, he hides me from everyone in his life – his friends, co-workers, and anyone he even barely knows. I can’t wrap my head around the secrecy. He runs out of the room when he receives phone calls from anyone. He won’t even leave his phone next to me unless it is locked. He doesn’t even want a wedding because he doesn’t like people to look at him. He wants to marry at the Secretary of State (whenever that is… he won’t tell me if this is next year or five years from now) and quickly move to a remote area with me. He won’t even take pictures together.

  22. @Princess……Sounds pretty tough. Obviously you’re not okay with his behavior. (Nor should you be.) Not only is this behavior odd, it’s also rude and disrespectful. And FYI: When a man is truly in love with a woman, all he wants to do is tell the world. He wants to show her off. And he definitely wants to introduce her to his family and friends. In general, he wants everyone to know that she is his. He’s doing the opposite and that’s not a good sign. Be careful. Seems like you might be compromising just to to be with this man. So what do you think? What do your friends say? Do you have a specific question?

  23. Thanks for the reply.

    First, I wonder if he actually plans to marry me or if he is just confused. He can’t provide a timeline at all as to when this will occur.

    He blames his family for this issue, citing that he has a dysfunctional family. Yet, his younger brother just married a woman that the family didn’t even like and the wedding passed with no issues.

    He goes out of his way to make sure that there are no written records of us being together. If we do an activity where the two of us have to sign something, either I have to sign or he signs, but never both.

    He won’t buy me a ring because he says that he can’t do it until he resolves the family issues (that he admitted are mostly in his own head), and because he says that marriage must come immediately after I get the ring. Because the family issues are mostly in his head, I have no way of knowing when or if these will be resolved.

    He is FAR to old to let thoughts of what his parents may or may not say about his relationship affect him to the degree in which it has… He is turning 43.

  24. @Princess…….He’s 43 and worried about what his parents think!!??? Are we missing something here? Has he always been single? Is there a religious or ethnic or age difference component here? (Not that that should make much of a difference, but it might explain a little.) But if we’re being totally honest here, sounds like you’re going to have to compromise quite a lot to be with this man, even more than you are now.

  25. @Princess…..ps. How did you meet? How old are you?

  26. Thanks for the reply.

    We met at a restaurant. We are of different ethnicities, but we addressed that early in the relationship and he said that it didn’t matter. His brother even married someone of a different ethnicity.

    I think that the thing that bothers me the most is that I am 34 years old. He keeps saying that he has no idea when we will get married while ignoring the fact that my glamorous years will soon run out. I addressed this with him, and pretended to not have a clue why the age of marriage would even matter to me. It doesn’t matter as long as he can give me a potential date. If he said “I am planning to marry you at some point within the next six years”, that would be okay. However, he is avoiding giving me any time limit at all. I’m just supposed to stay with him until whenever he decides and if he doesn’t decide, then I’m supposed to date again at 50 and hope that someone marries my pathetic old self at that time. I explained this to him and he didn’t see anything wrong with that either. He just says “people get married at many ages”.

    I just want to know what is going on.

  27. @Princess…..Obviously you know him better than we do. And we’re not mind readers so we don’t know exactly what he’s thinking. That said, doesn’t seem like he’s making an awful lot of excuses for not stepping up to the plate? Do you think that’s going to change anytime soon? Might it be time to start putting yourself out there again? Just wondering. What do you think?

  28. Hi guys,
    I have been dating this guy for a bit over a month now and he says he doesn’t want people to know we are dating because of what they might say if the relationship doesn’t work out. I tell him I can’t be sneaking to and from his place like we are having an illicit affair. But he is sticking to his guns about this. He also doesn’t trust me because he is always doubting my words and actions saying women are pretentious.
    I’m confused..Is he just playing me or could he be very insecure about relationships because I don’t want to go on like this.

  29. @Yetunde…..Seems like you have a pretty good sense as to what’s going on but just need some confirmation. As we always say. There is no good reason for a man to hide a relationship. He’s either embarrassed. Or he’s got something else going on. Like he’s hiding something.. (Other women.) And if he is insecure, that shouldn’t come as a relief. Insecurity, is a way to hide embarrassment. We’re sorry. Remember: Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t respect you or the relationship. If he was way into you he’d be telling all his friends and letting everyone know. Guys like to “claim” their woman when they feel happy. It’s a way they get respect, and for many guys, it’s all about respect. Make sense?

  30. Thanks for replying. It makes a lot of sense now. Thanks a lot.
    Is there any way I can let go of the relationship without blowing things up? Should I just fade away?

  31. @Yetunde….Well, how it goes is up to you. Honestly, we’d probably just let if fade. We don’t see the point of calling him out. He’s not going to get it anyway, and that’s just going to stress you out. (Something you don’t need. And it’s not like you’ve gone out for a year or more.) If/when he calls you again, just calmly tell him that you’re no longer interested. FYI: It’s possible that once he realizes you’re no longer interested that he’ll promise to change. Be careful. Our advice: He told you how he wanted this to go. Now it’s time to trust your gut.

  32. Thanks a lot. Really appreciate you guys

  33. @Yetunde……Of course. You’re welcome. Come back anytime. ps. Be on the lookout for our book, soon to be on Amazon. It’s basically a book giving women a glimpse into the male mind when it comes to relationships. Please spread the word. Thanks. 🙂

  34. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. He’s divorced, a single father, and has two kids which I’ve met and are around often.
    Recently while in the car together, he received a phone call from a family friend (no ulterior motive detected on her end. I know who she is). The conversations started with business talk, until the person on the other end inquired about his relationship status. Upon being asked about his status, he replied “he’s waiting, and WHOEVER it is will have to understand his hectic schedule”. He said this while I was in the car with him. I feel like he totally denied me to my face. When I confronted him about it, he stated that he didn’t tell her because she’s nosy. The nosy part, I can agree to, but he could’ve at least told her that he was in a relationship without disclosing WHO he was in a relationship with. No; he denied the entire relationship. It hurts, and makes me question everything.

  35. @Cecil….We can understand why you’re hurt by what he said and DIDN’T say. And yes, it would have been nice if he had declared that he was in a relationship. But think about this. The fact that you were in the car supports his explanation. Why? Because he knew he was telling her a lie and he knew that you would hear the lie. So is he a mean, deceitful person who would try to hurt you by sending you such a message? Or is he a private person who doesn’t want to deal with a nosy friend? Meaning, he knew he was denying you, which means he knew you would question him about it. Which makes it seem to us that he’s telling you the truth. Of course, you know him better than we do. Ask yourself what kind of person you think he is and then decide. ps. Check out our new ebook on Amazon. Click the banner on our site.

  36. Hi.. I’m just curious what your guys’ take is on relationships and social media. I dated a guy for several months. I am 33 and he was 26. When we were first dating he didn’t accept my fb friend request for like a month.. I let it go but then over the course of our relationship he was very careful to not post it publicly that he was dating. Not pictures together, nothing. There were some other things as well, girls commenting on his pics asking when they were going to hang out, and he had a Snapchat account which I’ve never been on and didn’t see whatever he did on there.. finally this past week I started an IG acct after not having one for quite a while, and his account was private but I requested to follow him. He ignored my request for several days even tho I know he went on his IG daily..finally I confronted him about it today and he was very defensive saying I just wanted to snoop etc. But accepted my request. Then blocked me on it. So I locked him out of my house. He broke up with me. I just assumed after dating for this long it shouldn’t be that big of a deal and people should be transparent with their social media accounts in a relationship..

  37. @Michelle….Our take? It’s not anything specific to social media. Meaning, anyone, or any guy, who is in a meaningful relationship, one he is committed to, would likely be open on social media. Meaning, social media is a reflection of the relationship, and a reflection of the guy. In your case, whether it’s social media or not, your guy is a player, or at least he was with you. We are sorry, but clearly he was not as ALL IN as you were. So if your gut was telling you something was wrong, then you were spot on. We’d advise you to listen to your gut and use social media as a good barometer for your next relationship. That said, a guy isn’t going to introduce you to his world through social media in the first month. It might take a few months. Does this help? ps. For more practical information about guys, dating, relationships, you might want to check out our ebook on Amazon. Inside your Guy’s Mind. And if you do, please give us a positive review!!! 🙂 Thanks.

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