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Some recent questions:
I’m 26 and my boyfriend of three years is 23. He is a great guy and we get along great. We have a house together and a life. Everything between us is 50/50. I don’t really have a lot of time to hang out with friends and to be honest I have lost touch with most of my friends over the last few years. Mainly we hang out with his friends which I consider to be my friends as well.
Lately I have been having real issues with his mouth when he is drinking, and hanging out with his buddies. The guys are all between 21-27 years old. They all love to talk about boobs! It does not seem to matter to them that there are girls around, they just talk about how great boobs are and also talk about other girls too. I didn’t let it bother me too much because I know boys will be boys but it started to really get to me when he was drunk one night and started talking about having sex with one of my friends. (Of course he said with me there too.) He was listing my friends and telling me to ask them if they were interested. He said, “I could tell that she wanted me.” He was not kidding around either. He said to me, “What? Do you expect that I won’t ever have sex with anyone else?”
Anyway the next day I didn’t even bring it up because I was sure he would not even remember. To be honest this is a BIG reason I don’t bring my friends around. I’m afraid to give him ANY opportunity to screw around on me! I have a hard time trusting and so does he. The other night while we were drinking and talking we were trying to figure out who could go with us to Cedar Point next week. I asked my 25 year old cousin to go with us. (Female) She said that she would and when I told the guys including my boyfriend, he asked me how big her boobs were!! I was so upset. He says it like it’s no big deal. It makes me feel like crap, and he always asks why I never invite my friends over or anything? Yeah I wonder why?!?! If I did, he’d be thinking of sleeping with them.
How do I bring this up to him without making myself feel worse? He is so young at times that he is hard to talk to. I know most of it is drunk talk, but its sticks with me all the time, and not just when we have a few drinks. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m jealous, or just not trusting, or crazy, or overreacting! What do I do? I feel a rage coming on with this and I think one day I’m gonna snap when he is acting like this and make an ass of myself in front of people.
Thanks for writing to us. We’re glad you asked us this question. A lot of our readers will be interested in this topic; and it’s a question we don’t get often because it’s not easy to talk about.
Sure your boyfriend at 23 is young, but that’s no excuse for treating you with such disrespect. Sure he drinks, but that’s still no excuse for discussing his fantasy threesomes with you. In fact we can’t see any excuse for his behavior.
You’ve been worried that maybe you’re overreacting, 0r overly jealous, or maybe crazy. Here’s a good test. How would he feel if you were sizing up the guys in the room and discussing it with him? How would he like it if you said you didn’t plan on being faithful to him? We don’t think he’d be too thrilled, especially since you mention he has trust issues. So we can see why you’re not either.
So how do you solve this problem? Have you tried having a heart-to-heart with him, telling him how his words and actions make you feel? Have you talked to him about what you need out of the relationship? If you haven’t, you need to soon. It might help, or it might not, but you need to do this in private before you snap in public.
What’s painfully clear to us is: He doesn’t know how to be in a committed relationship. Because a person who is committed to another person doesn’t talk about being with other people. Please don’t make excuses for him, or you’re going to find yourself feeling more and more frustrated. And that frustration will soon swell to anger and resentment.
So why are you trying so hard to make it work with this guy? Maybe you love him, but what are you getting from him? You deserve to be with someone who is faithful, loving, and respectful. You should be able to trust the man you’re with. You shouldn’t settle for anything less. And we’re just not sure he’s ready to be in a relationship at this point in his life.
ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!