He treats me like a dude

Hey Guys,

First of all you guys give awesome advice so I thought I’d give it a shot. So my boyfriend and I have been together for three years now; he’s 23 and I’m 24. At first we were just friends, then FWB, then we started seeing each other exclusively. Things between us have been great, besides a few little problems.

My main concern is that I sometimes feel like he treats me too much like a dude. I am not the most girly girl in the world, but I am definitely not a tomboy either. For much of our relationship he hasn’t bought me Christmas or anniversary gifts or anything like that. Last Christmas he got me a used PS3 cause mine broke and this Christmas he bought me a skateboard. In my opinion, they felt like the most not thoughtful and masculine gifts I could even think of. Do you guys think I am being too annoying or do I have the right to want to be treated like a normal girl?

When I treat him to dinner or get us a hotel, I dress up cute and give him enough heads up so he can dress up too. But with me, the few times he’ll take me out to eat or to the movies hell just pick me up from work and expect me to go with him looking all bummy and crazy. Is it me or can this be fixed? I don’t want to change him but I wish he would treat me like his girlfriend, not like a friend he has sex with!


Dear Anonymous,

Your boyfriend doesn’t realize how lucky he is. He’s with the cool chick, the woman with feminine  sensibilities and guy interests. Wow, most guys would cut off a body part to have a young woman like you. The problem is that the ‘cool chick’ badge is fraught with issues, one being, that a guy might not able to see past it. Your boyfriend loves that you can hang with the guys, but that’s the problem. He’s not able to see that gaming or skateboarding are just activities you enjoy, rather than activities that define you. Does that make sense? You are much more complex and interesting than that but he doesn’t see it. In part because you haven’t showed him, but also because he’s young and immature. In title, you may be in an exclusive relationship, but the reality is, it sounds much more like a Friends with Benefits arrangement.

Time to take action. First off, maybe it’s time you shifted the activities you do together. Less guy stuff and more couple stuff. Movies. Theater. Dinner. Dancing. Hikes. Bike Rides. Beach. Second, it’s time for you to sit him down and talk to him. The direct approach. Guys usually mature later than women, so it’s possible he’s just clueless rather than aloof. You need to teach him what’s what, even if he gets annoyed at you. Actually, if you take the direct approach you’ll likely get the answer to all your questions. If he’s open to the conversation, and agrees that he needs to step it up and start treating you like the woman he adores, rather than a video game buddy, then our concerns are unfounded and your relationship will possibly move to a new level. However, if he’s snarky, or poo-poos your suggestion, or even gets angry and tries to shut down the conversation, then you’ll know that he sees you as someone fun to hang out with, have sex with, but not someone with long-term potential.

Risk is involved any time you push the envelope, but honestly, we’re of the mindset that answers are better than questions.

Thoughts? Follow-up questions? Leave in the comments’ section below. (You must be Logged In to do so.)

Take care,


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4 Comments on He treats me like a dude

  1. Girl who asked the question // February 10, 2016 at 3:58 pm //

    You Guys never fail with the awesome advise. Thanks a million times for answering my question, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. The main follow-up question after reading your response is this, what do I do now if I have already told him a million and one times how I feel. We’ve talked so many times about the lack of gifts, dates, and just common couple things we’ve missed out on for 3 years. He always says “I’m such a bad boyfriend because I never take you anywhere” “You deserve so much better” He complains more about himself then I do, but rather than complain I try to fix the issues, because I love him.

    Last night I tried something new, I took him out on a date because he hasn’t taken me on any for a very long time, besides watching a movie. I’m trying to lead by example but I’m scared he’ll just get used to me making all the plans and whatnot.

    Am I just an idiot Guys?

  2. @Girlwhoaskedthequestion………You’re welcome. Glad we could give you some things to think about. But it’s time. Time to ask yourself a few questions: What do I want from a relationship? Does my current relationship reflect the vision I have for myself in a relationship? Do I think it’s possible for my boyfriend to change, or get motivated or something? What am I getting from my relationship? What do I love about my boyfriend? Remember, that in order for a relationship to thrive, both people have to choose it every day. And in choosing it, they have to put the required effort into keeping it alive. You can’t do it all, nor should you. But what you should do has to be your decision. We can only help you think about your relationship and see it with a different lens possibly. But we do have one comment/observation about your most recent comment. Your boyfriend saying that you deserve much better, but then not doing a thing about it, is an excuse, and either shows that he’s too immature to be involved in a grown-up relationship, or he doesn’t care enough, or he doesn’t need to do anything because you’re doing it all. In a word: LAME.
    ps. We hope you’ll spread the word about us and our site. Thanks!

  3. Hmm, I dunno if this is also the place to post …but I have some concerns in my relationship. I’m dating a youngster w a baby and he also treats me like a dude. I don’t rreally get it …but I am a simple girl. We were long distance for a year then moved in together & as soon as I started having issues with him having a baby and all, he told me he loves his daughter more than me…she’s just more needy and he has such great responsibilities with her. I dunno I cannot get this out of my head and am quite hurt by this. Is it normal for a dude to see his girlfriend as second when with his daughter? I just think he’s so young and I’m ready for a mature and stable human to be with. He then thought I got jealous and frankly I’m just confused. Why am I thought of this way ? Also he doesn’t think of going on dates with me but basically taking me with him everywhere he goes and I’d rather he does dates and call me like a boyfriend should do.

  4. @Monique……We see two separate issues going on. First of all, do not try and compete with his daughter. You’re going to lose that contest every time. (And yes, that’s normal, at least with guys who take their responsibilities seriously.) We’d suggest you try to accept that relationship and incorporate yourself into his daughter’s life. That said, sounds like he doesn’t put any effort into your relationship, which should be your primary concern. From what you’re describing, he’s taking you for granted. Basically, he’s getting all his needs met. Why did you move in with him?

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