He won’t pursue me because his friend likes me: WHY?

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There’s this guy at my school who I like very much; he said he likes me as well. But his best friend likes me too, and this friend made him promise that he wouldn’t hit on me. Do I still have a chance with the guy I like?

It is very obvious that we like each other because we have pet names for each other. We exchange text messages when we’re not in school and we chat online every single night. The only problem is that we can’t be together because he says there are too many barriers.

This thing annoys me a lot, because his friend is deciding for both of us.

Please I need your help. I really want this to work


Dear Yang,

Thanks for your question.

We can see how this would be frustrating for you. In some ways it doesn’t make any sense, and in other ways it makes perfect sense.

Guys have an unwritten code which says, “We shall not hit on any woman our friends are into.” This is something men try to live by because the world has enough conflict as it is.

However, reasonable guys talk about things, especially friends. Your “guy” is trying to be a good friend by not pursuing you, but since you’ve made it clear you’re not interested in his friend, he needs to talk to his buddy and sort this out. If his friend is not cool about it, then your “guy” has two options.

1. He can pursue you regardless of what his friend wants and deal with the backlash. (It’s likely he might lose his friend.) But in our mind, there’s no reason to have a friend that is completely selfish and possessive.


2. He can continue to frustrate both of you by not taking your relationship to the next level.

(One other possibility. He’s using his friend as an excuse because he isn’t interested in a relationship with you. We’re just throwing this out there. You would know better than we would.)

So the question is: What should you do? Or is there anything you can do?

Certainly you can talk to your guy about how you’re feeling, but ultimately it’s up to him to work this all out. If he doesn’t, then it seems clear he’s not willing to risk anything to go out with you.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment.


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3 Comments on He won’t pursue me because his friend likes me: WHY?

  1. this guy will still pursue if he really likes you then if not .. then thats it … his likeness to you is not much as his loyalty to his bestfriend that can ruined their friendship…remember crazy little thing called love story? … anyway.. 5 years ago i was in the same track i like this guy but his friend likes me too so his friend courts me and it turned out NOTHING because i dont like his friend … and when i came back on that place last month ..the one who courted me made a confession … and here it is “he likes you too .. he did not even bother to tell to you his feelings because he knew that i like you ..” that day rains what if’s … what if he tell me ,what if we have a time , what if we have each otherand what if i make my own way for him to know my feelings … but its too late .. he is now married a month ago … so for you .. if you still have a chance to have this guy then make a move before its too late .. YOU DESERVES TO BE HAPPY

  2. I have had a crush on this guy since elementary school and everyone else believes he likes me back and so do I. I’m pretty sure he is aware that I like him however I’m not 100% he likes me. He goes through phases of texting me a lot, while sometimes he won’t. Me and him are both shy but only around each other. With us being in the same friend for many years you would think we would be close but since we are both nervous around each other we just play the “eye contact game” I’ve had this problem for a while and right as things start to lighten up and we start talking more my best guy friend and his best friend since preschool likes me…like a lot! I don’t want to break a friendship and things to get awkward around us. Since he has cane out and said he liked me, my crush (his bestfriend) has stopped talking to me as much as before. Moral is two guys like me, I like one and not the other. I dont want to reject the one I don’t like because I don’t want him to be upset with me or his bestfriend (the one I want to date) I know this sounds like weird middle school stuff…but that’s becaue it is. : )

  3. @Aubrey….Okay, we understand your situation. So here’s the deal. You say he knows you like him. Correct? If so, then he has all the information he needs to pursue you beyond friendship. What you need to find out is why he’s not pursuing you? Here are some possible reasons. 1. He doesn’t want to hurt his best friend. Guys will stick together in these types of situations. 2. He’s actually not into you. 3. He thinks it’s “weird” since you’ve been friends since you were kids. 4. He’s too shy 5. (He doesn’t know you like him.) So which one do you think it is? First need to find out why he isn’t initiating. Because if it’s just a matter of him being shy then it’s possible you can make it easier for him by flirting more, or making it clear you’d be open to his advances. But we’re not mind readers so it’s hard for us to say. Maybe you can get a friend to do some investigative work for you? Since you mentioned middle school!! 🙂

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