He’s a musician: Is he worth the wait?

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Hey Guys,

I need your advice. So four years ago I met a good friend of mine online. My friends were playing with my Myspace profile and they added his band. They convinced me to start talking to him; he lives in Montreal, Canada, and I live in Chicago.

To be honest I didn’t think that our friendship would last this long. And I always figured if we stopped talking to each other life would go on as if we never met. During those four years I’ve seen his fan base grow and his bandmates grow into these amazing musicians. They have toured in China, Japan, India, London, and France. And they were even featured in a Final Fantasy soundtrack. He’s amazing, kind, very talented, considerate; he’s all these good things. And we have a great friendship. So when he said we wouldn’t be able to talk as much because of his band I was okay with it. He seemed like he didn’t want to stop our communication, and he seemed sad. But I told him “Do what you gotta do and I’ll be here when you’re done.” A few months later I figured out I really liked him.

I went to go see his band play in the Canadian Music Week in Toronto on March of this year. Every chance he got to touch me he did. But here is the problem as much as I like him, but he is just so confusing. And to be honest it’s starting to piss me off. (From The Guys: We’re going to shorten this.) He gives me mixed signals. He tells me I’m the most amazing woman in the world and I should never change, but when he talks to other people it’s just business. Sometimes he can be the most romantic person in the world, but then will call me “Little Sister.”

The last time I told him I was dating someone he didn’t talk to me up until my birthday. I dropped my friend’s camera and said “Julian is going to kill me.” He looks the other way and his tone changes from a happy one to a sad one and he says, “Julian?” So I decided to write him a love letter to tell him I like him. I sent it but he’s never said anything about it. I sometimes think he likes me, but I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart says he’s the one, and that I should wait for him, have patience, but my head and friends tell me I’m stupid for having any hope of being with him. I’m starting to think the same thing.

What do you think? Is he worth the wait? Or should I move on…

Thanks for the help,


Dear Rogue,

Thanks for your question. We understand your confusion. Of course we wish we had a little more information. One important piece of information you omitted was your age. (So we’re going to guess. We’ll assume you’re in your early 20s. Maybe he’s slightly older. Mid to late 20s?)

It seems like all our women friends have a story similar to yours, where they fell for some guy in a band, and thought he was “the one,” only to find out they were “one” of many. Of course having said that, we do know of one situation that did develop into an actual relationship. And we are happy to report that this couple actually got married. But typically these types of relationships don’t get beyond the flirting stage.

Keep in mind too that he’s made his band a priority. (We’re not saying he shouldn’t; we’re just stating the facts.) And part of being in a successful band is being free to say YES to any opportunity that arises. The other piece is to slowly expand your fan base at the grassroots level. You see where we’re going with this don’t you? Flirting with girls at every stop is one way of expanding the fan base. We’re not saying he’s not attracted to you, but we are saying that his primary focus is his band, and everything he’s doing, and thinking about is related to his band. And in some ways it has to be. But even having said all of that, if he was actually interested in you beyond flirting—unless you are not of age— he would already be pursuing you regardless of whether or not he was touring with his band. So since he’s not, there are only two reasons for this.

1. He wants to be free to “capitalize” on the band’s burgeoning popularity, and mix with the locals as he hops from city to sin city.

2. He’s not interested.

You can take your pick, but neither scenario is great. So sadly we’re voting with your friends on this one. (You should watch our video on this very topic: Listen to your friends)

Good luck,


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6 Comments on He’s a musician: Is he worth the wait?

  1. I have already come to terms with my situation. I just want to explain it to someone and see their opinion. However, I don’t wish to type it out incase my email won’t be received. This is important to me, and I hope you will allow me to send you another email expressing myself. The mind of males and females is different and I guess you could say, I’m trying my best to understand him before I move to Finland this November.
    Please respond, so I can explain,
    It would mean a lot to me.

    Thank you very much

  2. @Anna….We replied to you on the other post. Will he come back?

  3. I have a sort of similar question.

    The past year or so I’ve gone to a couple concerts in which I was able to meet this same band and have very ( I mean VERY) brief conversation. Both times I’ve seen them, their vocalist has complimented me up and down, couldn’t stop staring, so on. Now, Like you stated in your answer to Anna’s question, it is part of their gig – flirting with fans to keep them where they want them. However, this just sort of seems..different. It seems like there’s a bit more attention being given then just enough to keep me as a fan. And on top of that, I’m not the only one who’s noticed it. I’ve had girls come up to me in the audience and ask if I know him personally, because of how the way he stares and smiles, and so on.
    To be honest, the guy is really attractive. And from the brief conversations I’ve had with him, he seems down to earth and very nice, someone I could easily get along with.
    I’m going to be seeing the band play again next week, two nights in a row. (I have a different group of friends each night who decided they wanted to go, and I needed a vacation from school and work so I agreed to go both nights). I have tickets that allow me to “meet & greet” with the band before the concert starts.
    I have an urge to approach him. Not in a sexual way. But I want to ask him to coffee or dessert or something after the show. Something so I can have a person to person conversation with the guy, not a person to famous person conversation with the guy.
    I’m just not sure how to go about asking? I’m sure he’s been begged by fangirls to date them to marry them etc. And I definitely don’t want to come off as a desperate fan girl who will die if he won’t say yes. Because thats not the situation. I know there’s a big chance he won’t go for it. However, there is still a chance that he will, and I won’t know unless I just do it.
    I was thinking maybe sending a small bouquet of flowers to the tour date before the one I’ll be attending and saying something along the lines of: “I would love to go out to coffee or dessert after the show tomorrow, my treat! I’ll be in the audience tomorrows show, but here’s my number ———- , – Kelsey ” Then the next day he’d know I was the one that sent them because I’d introduce myself to him during the “meet&greet”.

    I guess my biggest concern isn’t doing it, because I feel like I should just try, the worst that can happen is he says no. But I just don’t know how to go about asking.

    Would appreciate the help! 🙂

  4. @Kelsey…..First of all, thanks for the donation. We do appreciate it. Honestly, you seem to have a good handle on this. You don’t want to come across as some crazy fangirl, but at the same time you’re probably going to have to take a risk and reach out to him. Partly because it’s easier for you to get something to him than the other way around. Question: How famous is the band? The guy? Would we know him? What’s the band’s name? (That might help us gauge what you should do.) When you mentioned flowers our gut says it might be too much. What about a funny card? Something silly. Possibly music related? Or not? Include your number and then see what happens. You definitely want him to be the person to pursue you so don’t say “my treat.” Say something like, “If you’d like to grab coffee sometime, give me a call.” Or whatever. And then see what happens. If nothing does, then be proud that you took the risk. We admire you for going for it. But remember, he still needs to be the one to pursue you. You’re already making it easy by providing your number. Don’t do anything more than that. Good luck.

  5. Thank you! And here I was thinking I was completely bat-sh** crazy for even trying haha. They’re definitely a growing band, Boyce Avenue. So something silly/funny, do you think it’s a good idea to get whatever it ends up being delivered to the tour date before the one I’ll meet him at? So that he gets a chance to read it? (I always assume that anything bands get they save to look at til after the show due to the lack of time before) And then I’ll make sure to not make it too easy for him by saying my treat, but definitely introduce myself to him when I do meet him at the meet and greet?
    Thanks again,

  6. @Kelsey….We’ll check out their band. You’re going to have to make the call on the logistics. But yes, your plan seems solid. Remember, you’ve got nothing to lose here. Just go for it and see what happens. If it doesn’t work out, well, then hey, you’ve got a fun story to tell. Good luck and keep us posted.

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