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He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex

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Also, check out our latest podcast Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves.  The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

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Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.

Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.

Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?

Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?

Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?

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TGP Episode 33: Dating questions, dentist fees, pet peeves

Last week’s questions:

Jealousy: Friends with the opposite sex

Break up confusion; will he come back?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used?

Is he my boyfriend or am I just booty call?

We smile; does he like me?

Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship

This week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

 

Dear Guys,

I went to prom with my best friend, and my boyfriend Toby got mad about it. I see Toby every Saturday and Wednesday and usually one other night a week.

About once a month I like going to concerts or something big with one of my other friends but I hang out with them on a weekly basis too. My boyfriend has a friend named Lyndsay that he hangs out with and they are best friends. And I have a guy named Joel that I like to hang out with but I told Toby, my boyfriend, that I was planning on going to a concert with Joel and he got mad, and started on about how his life is hell and how I am selfish and don’t give him my all.

What should I do?

Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Thanks for your question. Hmm….what should you do?

First of all you need to figure out what you really want. Do you want to be free to do anything you want, with anyone you want, anytime you want, or do you want to be involved with your boyfriend? We’re not saying the two are necessarily mutually exclusive, but relationships require a certain degree of give and take, as well as empathy; and that doesn’t sound like it’s happening in your relationship with your boyfriend. It doesn’t feel like either of you are taking each others’ feelings into account when you go out with your friends, especially friends of the opposite sex. It’s natural for him to be jealous. Most guys would feel a degree of jealousy if their girlfriend started hanging out with some other guy, even if they were told he was just a friend. Guys know guys. Or rather, a dog knows a dog.

The degree of jealousy is the issue here. Healthy jealousy is not always a bad thing. Toby is showing you that he cares about you. However, it can easily slip into the unhealthy realm, which can lead to all sorts of dramatic, unsavory, and even dangerous behaviors. One of the ways to address jealousy is to talk about it. Sit Toby down and find out why he feels jealous. Let him talk about his feelings. And then try to explain where you’re coming from, and why you need space to hang out with your friends too. He needs to allow you that freedom, and it’s a tricky balance. Often it’s what a woman is doing with the other guy that is the problem. If you were just having coffee and talking to your boy friends that would be one thing, but if you’re going out dancing and to dinner with them that’s another thing entirely. Having friends of the opposite sex is a great thing, but these friends shouldn’t replace the emotional connection you have with your boyfriend. And you shouldn’t be doing activities that fall under the boyfriend and girlfriend category like: dancing, dinners, vacations, etc.

If the the two of you can’t work this out, maybe both of you aren’t ready to be in a relationship with each other; or maybe the two of you don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship at all. You’re young. There’s nothing wrong with just enjoying being single, or dating casually. Either way this will all work itself out if you the two of you have a nice sit down and talk things through.

Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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2 Comments on He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex

  1. For once I don’t agree with your advice Guys. If he’s jealous of her male friends, that’s his issue. He goes out with his female friend, so what, he can do what he wants but she’s supposed to drop her friends to please him? I don’t think so. He needs to get over it.

  2. @Raven….We never suggested she should drop her friends. But, both men and women, don’t have free reign in a relationship, unless they agree to some sort of open relationship. No one in our crew would be cool with their wife or girlfriend dancing the night away with some other guy. And no woman should be comfortable with their man dancing the night with some other woman. That’s just wrong on so many levels. We’re all for friends of the opposite sex, but that doesn’t mean anything goes.
    Kayla and Toby need to talk to each other. It’s all about communication. It may very well be that Toby is too jealous, but based on the information we received we can’t make that call.
    That’s up to Kayla.

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