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He’s not willing to commit; Where is this going?

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Hi Guys,

I have been in a relationship with the same man for 7 years. We have a 3 year old and I love both of them more than anything.

My quetion is, will he ever commit? He says when he is ready he will ask me to marry him and that I need to accept that. But he has said he won’t be ready for at least another 2 years. I am worried that he doesnt’ love me like he used to. His priorities are #1 work,2 our daughter,3 the dog,4 friends,5 beer,6 porn,7 hanging out with neighbors,8 sex,9 sex with me, 10 me. I do not know what to do.

I do everything for him cook,clean, laundry, start sex,make his plate for dinner, make him lunch, teach our daughter, take care of the dog etc.. And when I asked him what he thought his responsibilities were he told me he does the money making and that should be enough.

Just last night I tried to have sex with him I started things because he was watching porn on TV so I figured he was in the mood. He turned me down, kept watching, and eventully changed the channel and fell asleep.

What doe this mean?

Kaylee

Dear Kaylee,

Thanks for your question.

The father of your child has checked out emotionally and this has thrown your relationship into a major rut. On the plus side, at least he has a job and cares about his child. (Many people who check out of relationships, check out completely. He hasn’t done that. Yet.)

But, your relationship is definitely gravitating towards the danger zone. Meaning, if a spark isn’t lit soon the fire may fizzle completely. Your definitely have some valid concerns, but from our point of view you’re enabling him by letting him think his responsibilities stop with making money. We’re not sure where he got that line from—actually we can guess—but it certainly wouldn’t fly in a high percentage of modern households. Times have changed, and men and women are often sharing all responsibilities revolving around the kids and the home. Sure it’s never exactly even, and if he’s working long hours then maybe he gets a pass for some of it, but he doesn’t get a pass to sit around and watch porn while you suffer from his lack of caring.

But what bother us more is the fact that he’s not even willing to have a conversation about it. Successful relationships involve solid communication where couples can air their concerns without being completely shot down and shut down. Your job is to figure out how to get him to hear your point of view.

We’d start by trying to reignite the romantic piece of the relationship. Maybe get a babysitter and actually go out on a few dates. Try to remember why the two of you got together in the first place. You two need to start connecting in some other ways besides sex. However, we wouldn’t be surprised if this is not easy. He might need a not so gentle push to get him up off the couch. But if he’s unwilling to work with you on the relationship then you need to ask yourself a few questions.

What am I getting from this relationship?

And how far am I willing to go to get what I need?

This may sound selfish, but it’s not. A relationship needs to be gratifying and satisfying for both parties. Marriage may be what you ultimately want, but our guess is, if he was a more agreeable and giving partner you might not feel so anxious about it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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3 Comments on He’s not willing to commit; Where is this going?

  1. I was going out with this guy for 1 year and 3 months. For the last 3-4 months, he seemed to have become uninterested. He was not as affectionate as before. He would not touch me unless we are making out. I would have to go to his place most of the time if I wanna spend time with him. I became very tired and I told him how I felt. He acknowledged that he was being lazy and was taking me for granted. He promised that he would put in more effort.

    And he did. 2 days later I asked him why was he so hesitant for me to meet his parents now. He was very eager to in the beginning but I was not ready. Now that I am ready, he does not want me to meet his parents anymore. He broke up with me on that very day. He said that my question made him realised that I am not the one and he does not want to do this anymore. He said he would like us to be friends in the future, but we have stop commnicating with each other for now until we are over this relationship.

    I could not accept the breakup. I called him three weeks after the breakup and asked whether him whether he is happy now and whether he is already over me. He said he is happier in some areas and yes he is over me.

    He did mention that our relationship meant a lot to him, than in that case why was he able to get over me so fast? Was I only an infatuation ?

  2. @Celeste……We’re really sorry about your breakup, and that you’re going through a tough time right now. Often there isn’t one thing that causes a break up, sometimes it just happens. People fall out of love, or realize they were never in love. Sometimes people realize their values are too different, or sometimes people breakup when things get too serious because they can’t handle the weight of commitment. And the list goes on. If you really want to know why he broke up with you, you should ask him. As far as getting over you fast that’s a different matter. Here’s what happens with breakups. The person breaking up has been thinking about it for a while BEFORE they actually break up. So that person has already come to terms with many things; so when they break up they seem to get over it faster, but really they’ve already gone through the agony, indecision, uncertainty, sadness, etc. before they finally break it off. Does this make sense? So no, he’s not necessarily getting over it faster than you. Hope this helps a little. Take care of yourself. And hang in there.

  3. I will try to keep this short and concise. I have been with my partner for 7yrs. 4ys ago we were 4 months away from getting married. However we didn’t as his family caused some upset regarding guest lists and my partner to ‘keep the peace’ with them verbally attacked me. The wedding was cancelled and another attempt couldn’t take place as his brother couldn’t make it. Anyhow, he chose his family and did not commit. Since then his family have ignored and been rude….well indifferent. They don’t care about me. Things are tenuous to say the least. And I did not react very well to being kept in the dark about our future. He just ran away doing his own thing and left me dealing with family, friends, plans etc. He won’t deal with his family and won’t move forward with me. He is fine with his family’s behaviour, they all seem to have made me the escape goat. Since then he has not really been here for me and has treated me with anger and resentment. He has withdrawn emotionally and physically. I am not included in plans (I can come if I want) and he is very secretive about ‘his business’. He is very indecisive in nature and now says he is not sure about me, which feels like another kick in the teeth. He pulls me up in front of his family for things he perceives I have said disrespectfully. Basically he makes an example of me and is fighting their corner, only they are the one’s throwing the stones. so I no longer wish to go, something that I feel is their intention. This is a very humiliating experience and needless to say there needed to be discussions but he seems incapable of opening up. This leads me to become very frustrated and communication is not productive. I know you cannot force someone to commit, nor would I want to but I feel he is asking too much and giving nothing. He took me counselling to get me to ‘shut up’. So the extent of our ‘relationship’ (if you can call it that) is he comes and goes and puts his rent money on the side, now needs reminding!!! He will not make future plans with me as he says he doesn’t know where he will be, as I have thrown him out several times for very disrespectful behaviour e.g. he went out swimming just after I miscarried his child. He said and felt nothing. Any time he spends with me is like he is doing me a favour ‘I took you to dinner didn’t I’. I have thought he was Autistic, passive-aggressive, commitment phobic….you name it….I don’t get it. I feel I just don’t count. What could he be possibly getting out of it? A place to stay? Why would you stay? I was the one let down but I am being treated as the villain. I am being treated as the problem because I call him on his bad behaviour. I feel worn out, dragged down and am wondering whether this is an emotionally abusive relationship???? Any thoughts?

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