He’s sketchy with his internet use

Hello Guys,

My boyfriend of a year now still has an issue with closing out of a window when I walk into a room. It really bothers me. There was an issue back in April of this year that I saw him clicking through his ex-girlfriend’s pictures all the time. What made me look in the first place was I was always near him and could see what was going on. Oddly enough it was never their pictures he’d be clicking through when I’d be there or walk by. I started to pick up on the fact he’d get all weird when I did walk by and I actually did see him click out of Facebook when I walked by.

He went to work one day and I saw allllll of these girls he had been looking at. After awhile before I said anything I wanted to see if it continued. It did. I did confront him after not too long and he denied that he was ever with any of them, denied that they were ex’s and tried to walk out of the room. I knew for a fact they were, and after a bunch of yelling he admitted it. Did I want to yell and be in tears? No, but he was being a liar and I had moved away from my home to be with this man and to now find out he was creeping every ex’s photo they had was upsetting. He would even try to look at one’s profile that was private!! I’m not some jealous control freak, but when he swore up and down in the beginning how much he couldn’t stand them why would he be stalking them??

That was April. Recently in September we were on his computer; he typed in something and the history brought up one of the same ex’s profiles. The history showed links of him obviously searching her. He called me a control freak and threatened to leave me because I was mad and upset over what I saw AFTER we had already been through the fact that it wasn’t cool. He said at first that was months ago, but it was obvious he looked her up. This was the same girl he would try to look up who had a private profile on Facebook.

My question. Why would he swear up and down how much he can’t stand these girls for one? (I did see messages from the past where he was nice to them after their awful so called break ups. Not like he was calling them crazy whores then.) And two, do I have something to worry about? Is he a potential cheater or is his creeping harmless? From time to time I still do catch him clicking out of his internet tab really fast and awkwardly when I walk by. If I ever bring something like this up I’m called a control freak and sent through this circle of how it’s my problem and my illusion.

Please  tell me the reason for this behavior? Am I dealing with a liar and potential cheater or am I the issue? Please help. 🙁


Dear Anne,

Thanks for your question. Well, obviously we’re only hearing your side of the situation, but you seem like you’re trying hard to be objective. And if you’ve described your situation accurately then you are definitely not the problem. He is.

All people are curious about what their ex-boyfriends/girlfriends are up to. Even if the breakup was bad, once you’ve been intimate and close with someone, a part of you is always connected to them. It’s human nature to be curious. Guys take this a step further though. Most guys fantasize about having sex with their ex-girlfriends. It’s normal. Most of those guys aren’t thinking about getting back together with their ex, but they’d like another few shots at hooking up. Why? Because, much of the time guys don’t break things off because the sex isn’t good, they break things off for other reasons. 1. They don’t want a commitment. 2. The girl doesn’t satisfy every “requirement” they have. Looks. Personality. Whatever. 3. The timing is off. 4. Something is missing for them. We know this is somewhat vague, but understand that guys can compartmentalize sex and love. And to be very direct about it, a guy will crave sex with a woman who he thinks—or remembers— has a hot body, even if he isn’t attracted to her face. (We know, brutal. We even have a hard time saying it, but it’s worth it for you to know. And other women reading this.)

Questions: Is he just looking at pictures, or is he corresponding with any of these women? Do you have any details about the correspondence? That might help you assess. And us.

The red-flag here is the lying and sneaking around. That’s more our concern than him “creeping” about on his ex’s Facebook page. We don’t expect him to say, “Honey, just wanted to let you know that I’ll be checking out “so and so’s picture now.” But after getting busted he should have fessed up instead of trying to reverse things on you. And just because we say it’s normal, doesn’t mean it’s okay, especially since he knows it’s very upsetting to you. (We don’t blame you.) Ask him how he might feel if you were checking out all of your ex’s pictures? You have every right to feel suspicious, upset, confused, angry, and resentful. And he should be doing everything he can to prove to you that he loves you, and that his internet shenanigans are not a threat to you, and that he’ll stop. He’s not doing that, and that’s what bothers us. That’s the issue here. (Unless of course you find some damning correspondence, or find out he’s actually hooking up with some of these people.) At this point, that’s too hard to call.

So what do you think? What’s your plan? We think you need to get more information from him and find out what’s really going on. He needs to tell you directly WHY he is doing this. (We’d be interested in his response, and whether or not he tells you the truth.) And then the two of you need to figure out how you’re going to move forward from this. It’s possible you might need see a couple’s counselor to help you resolve this issue. We don’t think you should sweep it under the rug.

Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. Leave us your question/comment in the comments’ section below. Also, do us a favor? We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.




17 Comments on He’s sketchy with his internet use

  1. I feel for you! I’, in a similar situation with internet use. I too wonder if I’m being to suspicious? Or do I reason for being suspicious?

    I have been with my boyfriend just over 3 years. We both came from long-term relationships; he was married and I was common-law. We both have children.

    We lived together for awhile and he moved out after numerous fights about money and his drinking problem. I had lost my job and he was supporting us. He drinks almost daily, but very rarely is “drunk”.

    Recently I have found him looking at porn….a lot! It bothered me a bit, but his sex drive has always been higher than mine so I accepted that he looks. At least he is not cheating. But now I wonder about that too. Well, I am almost positive he hasn’t, yet, but may?

    I am bi-sexual and we recently discussed about it having been some time since I was with another woman, etc. After some discussion he told me he is alright with me having an encounter with a woman as long as no man is involved, except maybe him. I created an account on an online dating site VERY CLEARLY posting for women only…NO COUPLES AND NO MEN!

    He has visited the site on the rare occasion to check out my profile or browse through the women for women ads to see if he finds any profiles that may interest me. I am OK with this. However, just this past weekend I discovered he went to the sight, went to “basic search”, filled his postal code in the postal code space and the “I am” space to male and the “looking for” space to female and proceeded to look through 8 pages of women looking for men for relationships/dating and casual encounters ads. He selected 4 womens’ profiles from those in the lists and took a closer look. All 4 women were within 30 minutes of his home.

    He knows I look through his history, most times he deletes stuff (or so he thinks), but I still find it. This is the first time I have found him doing this. I confronted him via cell phone while he was at work. He said he was “just looking”, got angry when I pressed the issue and hung up on me. I stayed at his place all afternoon (I had spent the night and stayed sleeping when he went to work). I was there when he got home and insisted we talk about it. His story then was he did it “on purpose”. He says he knows I look and he has told me repeatedly that he considers that a violation of privacy and trust. That he has been with me 3 years, never cheated and is not about to start. There was also in his history file a Google search for “stop creeping my computer”. He says that was a message to me as well.

    When we last had a big fight, and he moved out, he deactivated his main Facebook account and blocked me from his alternate one. He however did not think to block MY alternate account. I have sent him friend requests and he does not accept. After the confrontation yesterday about the online dating thing, I sent him a message via Facebook saying I will do my best to not snoop his computer (it is hard for me as my ex had numerous online affairs and had joined many online adult communities while with me). All I asked in return is that he accept my friend request and change his status back to “in a relationship” from “single”. Instead of doing so, he DELETED his account. Then when I text him asking why it was such a big deal to add me and is he ashamed to admit to our few family and friends that we have added on those accounts that we are back together, I get this response…”not really…just sick of being bullied on the comp and being TOLD what I can and can’t do. I’m not ur child”.

    My girlfriends are all saying he got caught looking at women on a dating site, hung up with me when I called and confronted him then had 7 hours till he came home to come up with the ‘it was a lesson’ story to try to cover his ass. Factor in that he WON’T add me on his Facebook, had his status at single and gets mad that I check his history all says he is worried what I’ll find.

    Am I over-reacting? Could it be he really is a good guy and just sick of me not trusting him?

  2. @Laura………Interesting dilemma. We kind of fall in the middle here. Your girlfriends have a good point. It sounds like he hates that he got busted and is now creating a diversion to cover up his actions. However, it’s also likely he’s sick of being told what to do. Of course your girlfriends might say, “Well, if he stopped acting like a child and more like a responsible man, he wouldn’t get treated like a child.” This could go back and forth in perpetuity. However, here’s where we diverge from this whole argument. You mentioned you were bi-sexual, and that there’s been recent discussions about you being with a woman. Could you explain this to us? Because in our minds, if he’s not involved with your tryst, you being with anyone else is cheating. So maybe he felt that once he agreed to allow you this “opportunity” that he should be allowed more freedom, even though you never discussed it. What do you think? Our opinion: If you’re going to open that door—which you have—you need to be a bit more flexible about what walks through it. So you might want to think about that aspect of this situation. We think it factors in more than you’re aware of. Thoughts? ps. Speaking of your girlfriends. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  3. @Guys – I have nver pursued my bi-sexual side while with him as either man or woman I too consider it cheating. However, after our recent talk about it, he says he does NOT consider it cheating as long as it is just a woman and I make him aware of it. I actually created the online ad with the intention of finding a girl I clicked with to join US in the bedroom for his upcoming 40th birthday. He has always expressed interest on seeing me with another woman. It has been made clear ever since we first talked about that idea just over a year ago, that if it ever did happen it would be purely for him to watch…no touching allowed (except he can touch me of course). He always said he was cool with that…until recently. Now that I went ahead and created the online ad looking for another woman, we have discussed the possible encounter more. I made it quite clear AGAIN that she would be there for my sexual enjoyment and he could watch and have sex with me, not her. I may feel OK to him fondling her breasts or genitals, but absolutely no oral, kissing or intercourse. His response this time was, “Things may change in the heat of the moment and after a drink or two”….with a chuckle. I said NOT LIKELY! He said he was just teasing me and he knows how I feel about him being intimate with a woman other than me. He feels the same about any other guy being intimate with me. Hence why we decied right away, no couples.

  4. He swears up and down he “Isn’t that guy”, referring to cheating. His ex-wife cheated on him after almost 13 years of marriage and got pregnant with the other guys kid. It took him down a really dark path. However, I also know he had profiles up on Fubar, Little Black Book, Tagged and other sites back in 2007 (2 years before their marriage ended). She also told me about a time he forgot his cell at home and a woman called. Turns out it was a lady he worked with. They had been flirting back and forth and were supposed to get together that weekend for a date. She was under the impression he was divorced. All this stuff took place during the 3 years he was addicted to Meth. He swears up and down it was the drugs and that is not the type of person he is. He swears nothing more than a kiss ever happened between him and this woman from his work. But it leaves me questioning other things. Last Summer while we were still living together, we moved next door to a buddy of his. This buddy had a female friend staying there. She, like my boyfriend, liked to drink her beer and smoke pot. He would go over there quite a bit and sit in the back yard smoking and drinking with her. Most times he was only there for 20-30 minutes and I could see them when I glanced out our kitchen window. However, there was this one time he went next door to blaze while I was cleaning. I looked out the window and couldn’t see them. 30 minutes later he hasn’t come back, I look outside again and still can’t see them. I decide to wander over. I went through the side gate connecting our yards and up back porch steps. I could see into living room for the most part and couldn’t see them. I call out and they both appear from the area of HER bedroom. To this day I question that. He insists they were going through a box of toys which her son no longer played with (my boyfriend has 3 boys), yet no toys came back next door with him?? About a week later we took our family camp trip. The day we returned she was outside in the yard tanning in a bikini top and barely there shorts (she is a tiny busty looking thing while I am curvier. We weren’t home 20 minutes and he was next door! I ended up unloading the car alone. She also came over and knocked on the door many times asking for him. She moved out sometime later and wasn’t around for months. We had a fight a few months later and he moved next door for awhile. Low and behold, who starts coming around again. One day I came home and she was sitting on the porch steps next door waiting for the guys to come home from work. I assumed she was waiting for my boyfriends friend, but his friend later told me she came to see my boyfriend and smoke up with him. My boyfriend insists their friendship is innocent and they talk because she grew up in the community his Dad lived in and knew him and people he knew. He only saw his Dad a couple times a year. Again….am I thinking too much into this or does he have the potential to cheat?

  5. @Laura…….Sorry for the delay. Busy day yesterday. It’s hard to give an opinion about this other woman who lived next door. He says nothing happened, you think something might have. From our perspective there’s some trust lacking in your relationship. Maybe for good reason, maybe for no reason, but it’s there. And that’s the issue. Maybe he’s telling the truth, maybe he’s not, but you don’t trust him, and that’s all that really matters. He could tell you he’s innocent until he’s blue in the face and that might never erase the doubt you feel in your gut. So, once again we come back to the “open” feeling of your relationship. We think the two of you need to really sit down and figure out exactly what’s okay and what’s not. It just seems like you’re both pushing the boundaries a bit and when that happens, people don’t always make great decisions. Does that make sense? It’s like a guy who agrees to have a drink with a hot co-worker even though he’s married. Sure, he doesn’t plan on anything happening, but just agreeing to the drink is the problem. Because after you go there it’s very hard to say no a second time, or a third time, especially with the drink flowing. That’s what we see here. Both of you seem to be agreeing to have “that drink.” Him with these other women and online sites, and you wanting to include another woman. Yes, we know they’re different. And yes, we know he’s on board with your plan. But still, we said this before. Once that door is open, it’s open, and there’s no closing it. And that’s when questionable decisions get made. Just like his comment, “Things may change in the heat of the moment.” Do you really think you can invite another woman in your bed and not have your man want to get down with her? To us, that would be the only reason he would agree. Trust us, maybe two women having sex is a turn-on to some men, but even more so, is them having sex with those two women. Have you thought about using that as a compromise? Meaning, you both agree to invite another woman occasionally, but he must completely cease and desist with any other sort of shenanigans. What do you think? That way you can come up with the terms of engagement together. No? Yes? Maybe? We also are still recommending you see a couple’s counselor to work out some of these trust issues. We get the sense that both of you don’t feel “heard.”

  6. I have another concern. His Mother. When him and I first met and began dating 3 years ago, his Mother lived in Prince George BC (We’re in Surrey) and came into town at Christmas. We had been dating barely 2 months at this point. As he was working the day she came into town, he asked if I could pick her from the Greyhound. I was happy to oblige. We spent the day Xmas shopping, had lunch, and then I drove her back to his place. We got along quite well. Fast forward 8 months to Summer 2010. Him and I and his 3 boys went to PG to visit her. We went camping for 2 days in the middle of nowhere. I’m a city girl and camping is still fairly new to me. I’ve never been camping anywhere other then campgrounds, so having no washrooms, showers, etc was foreign to me. Then factor in the fact I had NEVER been away from my kids. I had my cell phone with me and one morning while my b/f and his kids were at the lake, I checked my phone (charging in car) to discover I had missed 4 calls in 20 minutes from home. I was freaked out something was wrong and was wondering around trying to find reception. Meanwhile, his mother is sitting there muttering about how you don’t take f**ing technology camping and when she goes in the bush she leaves her f**ing cell phone at home, blah blah. I politely said to her that I have never been away from my kids and I brought my cell phone so that if there is an emergency, I know immediately. His ex wife never stood up to his Mother, and she sure didn’t like me doing it. The rest of the time up there was uncomfortable to say the least. Shortly after we returned back to Surrey, I was on Facebook and discovered she was slandering me all over her friends pages. She had uploaded a few unflattering pics of me with quotes like “The pig stuffing her face”, “The whale having a morning swim”. Keep in mind this is a 60 year old woman! Anyways, it started a fight between her and her son where he told her off…on her Facebook page I might add…to which she posted a whiny comment, “Obviously I see how you feel. I will leave you two alone. Have a nice life together”. Then she did not speak to him for just over a year. All because he stood up for me! Now, a year or so after the blow-up, she calls to advise that she has decided to sell his childhood home and move to Abbotsford BC. She has had it with the cold PG winters and wants to be closer to her family. A month later him and I rent a van and drive to PG to help her back up the house and say goodbyes. Her and I let bygones be bygones and the trip went well. She even got me a lovely pair of gold hoops for Xmas that year and got gifts for my kids. Over the course of the next 9 months her and I would talk on the phone. I called her mostly when I was upset with him about his drinking. We had both agreed that his drinking was problematic and he made need professional help to get it under control. In September of this year the sh*t hit the fan. I was depressed because I lost my job, we were struggling financially and he was still drinking after telling me in August that he realized he has a problem and needs help. We had an argument where he said something uncalled for and I slapped him. He called the cops. I spent the night in a jail cell and came home to him moved out. We didn’t speak for the next 3 weeks. He was staying at his Mothers. I don’t know what they discussed, what he said about me, etc in those 3 weeks but she now hates me! The day this happened, I had spoke to her on the phone. In fact, I was on the phone crying to her when the Police arrived. She couldn’t believe he called them! She and I both questioned if he was using hard stuff again because just the way he had been acting those past 2 weeks up to that day made no sense. Anyways, fast forward to now. We obviously aren’t living together. Actually, I lost our home shortly after he moved out. I am not working and Employment Insurance was barely enough to feed my kids, never mind pay the rent. I moved back in with family and he has gotten a place about 30 minutes drive from me. Just before Thanksgiving (early October) we started to talk again. We missed each other and wanted to see each other. He called and invited me to come see his new place. I went out and needless to say things heated up and I stayed the night with him. Now I spend on average 3 nights a week out there. Shortly after we started seeing each other again, he suggested I buy some little items to leave there for when I am over. Shampoo, body wash, deodorant, etc. I have my toothbrush, comb, pony tails, face cream in the medicine cabinet. My deodorant and hand mirror on the counter. My robe hangs on the bathroom door. Etc etc. It is very obvious to see I stay there. Last month his Mother came to stay a few days for his sons birthday. I came a day after she left. I have a shower, get out and discover my personal effects are not where I left them in the bathroom. I ask him and he is clueless. We search the house to discover them all stuffed into a empty bread bag and hanging on a hook behind his bedroom door like trash. I was not impressed! Where the hell did she get off touching my stuff! Well, she is now in town again for the Holidays. She arrived Thursday (today is Saturday). I went there last night to visit him and his boys with my 2 daughters cause his Mother was in Vancouver visiting her friends for the night. I go to use the bathroom and my stuff is missing again! This time he knew about it. Apparently she went about cleaning Thursday and putting HER stuff in the bathroom. He walked in on her about to thrown my stuff in the trash! He got mad (he says) and told her, “I don’t come to your house and thrown your stuff in the trash. Leave her stuff alone!”. But instead of putting it back, he puts it in a bag and hang sit behind the bathroom door where she doesn’t have to look at it. How is that standing up to her?! She just got her way. So I was pissy the rest of the visit and we had some words when I was leaving. I broke down in tears and told him I am sick of her treating me like this. He says it is hard for him to be in the middle and maybe I should talk to her if I am so mad. Everyone is telling me I need to confront her and tell her how I feel. I’m just worried about the outcome. He says he has told her we are back together and he says he told her off about my stuff, but I don’t know that for sure. She could know I am around, but not know to what extent. He could be telling me what I want to hear for all I know. So I think it could go one of three ways.

    1) I tell her we ARE back together and that I’m not going anywhere and she needs to accept that and we agree to try to get along for his sake. 2) She is caught off guard because he HASN’T been honest and he gets mad at me for forcing the situation to be addressed. 3) She gets mad and basically says she will never accept me, forcing him to choose between us like she did the last time. I however will not make him choose and I will walk away. Which is letting her win but ending my misery. I’m so conflicted about what to do but I really don’t want to start a fresh new year with this issue still hanging around. HELP!

  7. @Laura……This is a pretty complex issue. Are the two of you seeing a couple’s counselor? It seems there’s a few things that need addressing in your relationship. As per his mother. She is his mother after all, and the last thing he wants is to have to choose. He might be upset at her for creating a rift, and he would likely choose you and your relationship over her, but still, that’s not what he wants. (Even if she is difficult sometimes.) Is there a way you could talk to her and steer things towards #1? Something like: “We both love your son and I know it’s hard for him when don’t get along. Could we figure out a way to make things work between us? Is there something I could do to make things work better?” Of course this is easy for us to say. In theory, the high road is always the best path, but it’s a lot harder in practice. Is this possible? Could you do that? Because understand that she’s definitely not going to change who she is. She feels she has no reason, and she’s set in her ways. Most parents are. What do you think?

  8. I spoke to him briefly today. I told him I have been thinking this over since leaving there last night and that I plan to come by Sunday evening and the 3 of us need to sit and talk. He seems OK with that idea. His Mom is a 60 year old biker b*tch, set in her ways. She is very hypocritical, 2-faced and judgmental. She can be very difficult to get along with. I told him though that this is the Holidays and I shouldn’t have to avoid my boyfriends house because his Mom is there. I should be able to go over and the 3 of us sit and have a drink and celebrate the Holidays together. He agrees. I still question how honest he has been with her about me and how honest he is being with me about what he has said to her. I guess we will find out Sunday evening.

  9. Oh! And to answer the question about a counselor….No, we are not. I have suggested it many times. His ex-wife wanted to as well. He is not up to the idea.

  10. @Laura…..Good luck. Keep us posted.

  11. I went there last night as planned. When I arrived I called his cell to let him know I was outside and ask him to come out and give me a hand as I had a few items to bring in. He came out to help me unload my car and I asked if his mother was aware I was there. He said he told her I came over to drop of the kitten, but didn’t say anything otherwise. We went inside and she was laying on the sofa watching TV. She was not facing us. He said, “Mom, the kitten is here”. She didn’t respond. I assumed she was faking asleep to avoid speaking to me. Him and I went into the bedroom breifly and closed the door and I asked him if he felt she was even going to participate in the conversation. He said he had no idea. We went out to the kitchen/living room area, I made a tea and him and I sat down at the kitchen table. She was still on the sofa, back to us, ignoring us. I could see his anxiety level had kicked up big time and asked if he was getting anxious. He nodded yes. I asked him if I should start and again he nodded yes. So I started, “******, I didn’t come here to visit **** tonight, I came to speak to you”. Silence. “**** and I have agreed it’s time the 3 of us sat and had a talk. The stuff going on between you and I is causing **** a great deal of anxiety. It’s the Holidays and him and I both agree that he should be able to have BOTH of us in his home together without fear of tension or any issues”. She snorts, “If I wanted any s**t from you before Christmas, I would have called you”. I asked her how she could not see the anxiety she was causing her son and how just in the time since I arrived and he knew we were going to start this conversation his anxiety has gone up. Silence again. I stated how I understand that as a mother she only wants what is best for her child, but him and I are both grown adults and therefore make our own decisions. To this she replied, “I haven’t said a f***ing word about it!”. I said maybe not really said anything, but you come over, go through MY stuff and threaten to throw it out. She yells at me, “You don’t f***ing live here and your s**t shouldn’t be here!”. I calmly explained how it is ****’s house and it was his idea that I leave toiletries and my spare robe there so that I have them for the nights I sleep over (on average 3 nights a week) and that being HIS house and HE doesn’t have a problem with it, where the hell does she get off having a problem with it?! She was silent again. At this point my boyfriend pipes up, “Point being Mom, I don’t want either of you mad or upset. You are both important in my life. ***** knows she does not live here, nor is there any plan for her to live here. Nor is there any plan in the near future for me to move. We know we can’t live togther right now. However, I invited her to spend nights here and it was my idea for her to leave stuff here. You shouldn’t be touching it. I did agree we need to talk about this. If you aren’t going to participate in this conversation, say so now”. She said she feels she made it clear she does not want to talk. And that was it! He looked at me with this, “What do you expect me to do” look. We got up and I grabbed my coat, purse and shoes. We went outside and I got angry at him for letting here pull that. I said quite loudly, and I am sure she heard me, that she is acting like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. He agreed but said that he already knows if we force the issue to be discussed she would throw a bigger hissy fit, probably pack up her bags and the gifts for him and his boys and head back to Abbotsford…spoling Xmas for him and his kids. I agreed that I could totally seeing her pulling a stunt like that. He begged me to just please let it be for now and not spoil the Holidays. I told him I don’t think the discussion will ever happen. Now that she knows how I feel, she will avoid it ever happening. He insisted he was going to go back inside once I left and make her talk about it. I told him that is all fine and dandy, but I won’t be there. I’m not going to know whats discussed. My best girlfriend thinks it was all staged and his Mom knew well ahead that I was coming. She thinks he is stringing me along. He has always had a woman to take care of him. He left his mothers’ home at about 18. He met his wife in his early 20’s. After they split he lived with a friend and his wife up until meeting me and moving in with me. I always did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping. His job was bringing home the paycheck and taking out the trash. That’s it! He is not use to being on his own at all. When he got his own place in October, he had nothing. He was literally eating off styrofoam plates and drinking from plastic cups. He opened cans with his hunting knife. He had a cookie sheet and a pot and pan his ex wife gave him to cook with. When I lost OUR home mid-October and was forced to move back in with family, I had to scramble to find places to put all my stuff. A 2-storey house worth! Some was sold, some was left behind, the rest was split up between 4 houses and stored because there was no room here to bring it all. As he had no kitchen stuff, my WHOLE kitchen was packed up and sent to his place. My dishwasher, deep freeze, toaster, microwave, pots/pans, cutlery, dishes, glasses, blender, etc. etc. My 50 inch big screen, my lamps, my towels and some bedding. Yes I was saved the cost of getting a storage locker, but he was saved the hundreds of dollars he would have had to dish out before Xmas to buy all that himself. He is a typical bachelor too. I go over there to dishes in the sink, clean dishes not unloaded from dishwasher, crumbs on counter, etc. I will unload dishes, load dirty ones, wipe counters, sweep floor, etc. I still clean up after him. He has a warm body in his bed 3 nights a week, sex when he wants it (I am very accomadating and we have sex almost every time I sleep over), I cook for him when there, I run him around in my car (he doesn’t have one, but he does contribute gas money to mine), and he has free use of my stuff. All my friends say he has it made! I see it from all angles. Sometimes I do feel used and taken advantage of. But other times I feel he really loves me and wants me in his life. When I come over and walk in the door, he looks up and always says something like, “There she is!”, or “Hey beautiful!”. When we cuddle up to watch movies he loves to stoke my hair (he always says its so soft and smells good), he kisses me passionately, he does call me when I don’t call him (except when his Mom is there), he spent alot on my birthday 2 weeks ago. I don’t know what to think anymore. I use to be so good at reading into things and I’m just so torn right now. Between the issues with his mother, our past/present relationship stuff, and everything everyone else is saying….I don’t know how to choose.

  12. @Laura…Well, you tried. It was a good attempt and you did a nice job keeping your composure. She’s not going to change unfortunately and she sees you as a threat. (Sees every women in his life that way.) So question: Is she living there now? Or did we miss something? (It’s possible) Anyway, this is going to be clearer after the holidays are over. Give it a few more weeks and then just see how you feel. Right now it feels like it’s all jumbled into a pot and it’s hard to decipher what’s what. Keep us posted on where you’re at. And try to enjoy the holidays. (We’re off for a few days) Take care.

  13. No, she is only in town for the Holidays. She is supposed to leave Boxing day morning. I am supposed to go over Boxing Day evening. I would not be surprised however if she does something to screw our plans. I did try, and my b/f appreciates I kept my cool and acted like the mature one in the situation. When I spoke with him earlier today, he told me he got the silent treatment all last night from her. I am going to let the topic rest for now, enjoy my Holidays and hopefully get an opportunity in the new year to broach the subject again.

  14. Hi, I’m also having a problem with my bf being online. We have Been together almost seven years and lately, it seems as if he’s obsessed with other women. Let me back up a little.. When we first got together, I caught him going online with all of these your foreign women, having web cam sex. He used to get out of bed with me and go online with these women when he thought I was asleep. When I caught him, I saw that his computer was filled with pics of naked girls. Some were holding signs with his name on them, saying they loved him. After a major freak out , I stayed with him a d he sword that he’d stop. One other problem I found is that one of those girls, he was serious about… Going as far as trying to get her a fiancée visa into the country. Anyway, a couple of years later, we moved in and I found he had never deleted the pics, just saved them to a disc. Lately, he’s been going online again and I’ve caught him on chat sites and looking at dating sites for young Asian women. I know he spends a lot of time on porn sites late at nite, but I’m at the point now that I think he’s always trying to hook up with one of those girls. It’s only been two days since I caught him downloading more chat sites. He denied it and showed me his computer to prove it. I had to point out the date when he downloaded the site and than he said he can’t remember (the site was from two weeks ago). Do anyone think this is ok or am I right about it being wrong for a guy to be doing this?

  15. @Sarah…….Seriously?! What do you think? What’s your gut telling you? He’s crossed the line, and he’s doing what he can to cross it further. Major red-flags here. Especially since this is round two of this sort of behavior. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to make any real changes. Might be time to rethink this relationship. Up to you of course.

  16. Hey guys, Reading the questions on here I’m amazed by the relationships ruined by online encounters the cheater says never happened or would of never happened in real life had they not been total retards and been caught(yeah! ok whatever they say). My question is not really for what I should do (I made my mind up on that when I found him calling the hookers) but more for my own peace of mind. Two days before our wedding day I received a anonymous text from a Skye number that basically said my soon to be hubby was bi sexual he said it was a ex girlfriend trying one last time to ruin his life, I let it go with a is there anything you need to tell me before we make the walk down the aisle (he said nope). Two months into the marriage he doesn’t log out of his email account and I purposely not accidently read over all these profiles that had been emailed to him from sites that you hook up with local women, men and couples and yes once I purposely cracked his password to the site found he had all three marked as what he was looking for, I confronted him he said it was before we met and the date his profile was created was before us but he said men were not marked, once again I let it go with a this is red flag number two if there is going to be a number three let’s just get it out now. Two and a half years into our marriage I heard his phone go off several times several nights in a row way past the time he would normally be a sleep (hmmm), then noticed he never had his phone on him around me (hmmm), not mention he was being a little testy and lost interest in sex (with me,hmmm), so as the curious crazed lunatic part of my female brain took over I started going through the cell phone bill at one am ;)) and there they were all the calls and text to the Trans Sexual Prostitutes (no female ones keep in mind) needless to say by three am I had printed three months of cell phone records and every hookers profile in a 5 state radius and was standing over him as he sleep throwing the paper balls I had turned them into at him (after I mad a copy of course and packed a bag of clothes for him). Of course, I was paranoid and despite a room full of female with penis paper balls every where he denied it (really?? why does this sound like a good idea). We are on the tail end of the whole divorce process and of course he is sorry, sorry, sorry, and can’t live without me(ok,lying sack of turds I believe you, NOT). The one thing he swears is he isn’t bi sexual. Do you think he is or not? For some crazed reason I need this answer, maybe if I think he is in the closet I think I can trick my brain into stopping screaming I told you at me.


  17. @Nik……We’re really sorry. Betrayal is so hard. We wish you the best with your healing. To your question. We hate to speculate. Certainly there is much evidence to support your concern, at least what you’ve shared with us. But let’s answer in the general sense. We know a handful of guys that swore they weren’t gay, but yet, they liked hooking up with random guys on Craigslist. They weren’t looking for a relationship, just sex with another guy, usually of the “receiver” variety, if you know what we’re saying. These guys were in heterosexual relationships and seemingly happy. They just had a “taste” for “variety” from time to time. It’s your call. We don’t think he’s gay, but if he’s sleeping with guys, he’s bi in some form or another. It might not be the relationship type of bi, but more the physical type we described. Hope this helps a little. Good luck. The most important thing you can do in moving forward, is NOT blame yourself for this. Sure, maybe you ignored the red-flags, but love can do that. But his dalliances have nothing to do with your lack of sex-appeal, or something you did. This is how he’s wired. Take care.

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