Please forgive me if I go on but I need to explain some background. I’m 23 and Indian and he is 28 and Italian. We met two years ago when he was visiting India through a mutual friend and it was love at first sight for us.
Soon after he left India he moved to the UK for higher studies and that’s when we really got talking everyday and were crazily in love. Our families accepted it all on the condition that we take things slowly cause it really was so obvious that we were soulmates. Regular Skype sessions and daily talking/msgs was how we kept in touch. He and I had the same opinions on important stuff in life like marriage, kids, religion(we’re both Roman Catholic) cheating, casual sex etc. He has visited me thrice and loves my family. I’m supposed to have been seeing his family for Xmas this year. I have a brilliant career here and an amazing family and he has a fabulous career in the UK. (He lives alone- his family is in Italy.)
When we started dating he promised me and my family that he would move to India or anywhere just to be with me. Recently he started having doubts about settling down in India and so I agreed to move to the UK for a while once we were married. Last week he issued me an ultimatum that at no cost would he move here—it’s beneath him and his family is too important to leave behind and that the only way to move ahead in this relationship is if, and only if, I move across the world for him. I know LDR’s are tough but is it reasonable for one to be so demanding? India is not half as bad as the world thinks.
We split last week because he refused to budge and I told him I didn’t mind moving to the UK/Italy but even he should be willing to move here and then we can figure out where we want to settle. We haven’t spoken in a week now. He said he never cheated or got tired of me. He just doesn’t know how we can work out where we live.
Am I wrong in waiting for him to come back? Should I move on? I’m so in love with him. My family are rallying around me cause they know how much it hurts me. What should I do? He spoke of marriage all the time..and now this? I’m in so much pain!! Can guys really just change their mind like this? How has this been fair to me?
Please help me!!
We can see that it’s his unwillingness to work towards a compromise that is upsetting you the most, besides of course your break up. Do you think something happened that caused him to all of a sudden freak out? Maybe he had a conversation with a friend, or spoke with his family, and they painted a picture of living in India that made him nervous. Or maybe, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to find work in your country, or at least a job that he wants, which means he’d have to rely on you to support the family, and that doesn’t sit well with him. Or maybe, he’s just scared, and is having a difficult time “seeing” how this is going to play out. It would be important to find out what is really going on with him.
We don’t think you’re wrong to wait this out a bit. It’s likely, after he gets over his initial panic, that he’ll realize he loves you and contact you to see if the two of you can work this out. But remember to let him initiate the reconnection. He is the person unwilling to compromise so he should be the one to reach out to you in order for you to best gauge where his head is at. (If you initiate, you’ll never know if it’s love or guilt that is driving him.)
You’re right when you say long distance relationships are really hard. One of the great things about a relationship is the every day physical connection. We’re not talking sex, but just a touch, a hug, a way to acknowledge the other person’s existence. Just being in the other person’s company can be reassuring and calming. Skype, texting, msging, email are all great but they are poor substitutes for the real thing. Now, in your case, throw in different countries, different cultures and you’ve got yourself an even more complicated situation, but not an insurmountable one. However, in order for this to work BOTH of you need to want it to work. BOTH of you need to be committed to compromise and committed to making yourselves and each other happy.
This is really about perspective. Right now he’s seeing your situation as an obstacle instead of an opportunity. He sees it as impeding what he wants out of life instead of enhancing it. He just needs to shift his perspective a bit so he can see what a rich and interesting life he could have with you if he just allowed himself to go with it. We know a creative solution is out there, you just need to discover it together. Give him a little time and space and we think he’ll realize what he’s throwing away and reach out to you soon.
Last note of caution: If he continues to be adamant and stubborn you need to take a hard look at that. We don’t like the language he used. (“Beneath him”) That is a red-flag. What else is beneath him? If he’s stubborn about this to the point of breaking up, what else might surface in your relationship that will cause him to check out?
That said, we do hope it works out for you both.
ps. Please let your friends know about us. Also, you might enjoy reading our short e-report on Long Distance Relationships.