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High School Dating: Am I hot or not??

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Next Up:

Four years and counting

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Dear Guys,

There’s this guy I’m friends with and before we met he always told his friend how hot I was. Well after we met for the first time he told his friend he liked my personality. So we started texting and had really good conversations. Then we hung out twice in a group, and after that he stopped texting. It’s like he didn’t care. My question is, how can a guy say stuff like that and talk to you until like 1:30am but then all of a sudden just stop?

I’m 17 and so is he. We go to the same school but never see each other there.

The only time that he’s kinda asked me out was last week. We were texting and he asked when I was leaving for spring break and I told him not until sometime during the week and he said “Gotcha. Sooo we are all gonna chill this weekend then?” And I said yeah we could go to the movies and he was cool with that, but we ended up not being able to go. The “all” in the message is in reference to his best friend and his girlfriend who happens to be my best friend; that’s how we met.

I’m black and he’s white; I don’t know if that makes a difference or not. It’s not an issue with either of us or our friends cause they’re interracial too. He also said that he respected that I am still a virgin and he said he hates guys that try to pressure girls into sex so I don’t think that’s his main goal. But, I also have had experiences with guys saying that and they turn out to be complete douches so I do have my guard up kinda.

One more thing, my friend said that she was reading her boyfriend’s chat message and the guy I’m into was supposedly hooking up with some girl, which didn’t really bother me because it’s not like we were dating, but I mean it still didn’t sit well with me…

Thanks so much for helping 🙂

Asia

Dear Asia,

Thanks for writing to us. Let’s try and sort this out.

This guy is fishing. He’s trying to figure out what his best play is. We’re not completely comfortable with his approach.

First of all, we don’t like to hear that this guy is hooking up with another girl. That’s a red flag in our eyes. On the one hand he says he respects you for being a virgin. But on the other hand he’s trying to get some action from some other girl while he’s pursuing you? What does this say to you? To us it says that his actions speak a little louder than his words.

We will cut him some slack since this is not atypical of a 17 yr. old guy, but really he should just come right out and ask you out instead of being passive and putting the onus on you.

For example. He should say:

“Would you like to go to the movies with me?”

Instead of:

“Are we gonna chill this weekend?”

The first example is active. He’s actively pursuing you. The second is passive. He’s trying to elicit some sort of response from you and get you to be the initiator. And you did just that by suggesting the movies.

Asia, it might feel good to take control, but in the end it’s going to backfire on you. No matter if you’re 17 or 35 or 55, let the man pursue you, at least at the beginning. That doesn’t mean you should play hard to get or play games, it just means, don’t make it easy for him by taking the reins.

So here’s what we think. Just see how this plays out, but let him pursue you. And if you hear about him hooking up with other girls, it might be time to check out some other possibilities yourself.

Best to you,

THE GUYS

8 Comments on High School Dating: Am I hot or not??

  1. Dear Guys,

    I’m 18 and I’ve never had a boyfriend, been kissed or even been approached. Normally, I won’t let this bother me, because I know there’s someone out there for me…I just haven’t met him yet. Occasionally, however, I will wonder if there’s something about me that sends guys the other way. I admit I am a shy person, but once I get to people, I open up and become my usual self. Is being shy a bad thing? I mean, do guys only like super outgoing girls?
    So I guess what I’m trying to ask is this: is there something wrong with me because I’ve never had a boyfriend?

  2. @Morgan…..We’re assuming you’re either a senior in high school, or just starting college, or starting a job. Guys around your age are not as confident as they seem. Outgoing girls are easy to approach. And much of the time, they’re the ones approaching the guys. But a shy girl is a different matter. The guy has to be more confident in order to approach someone who’s quieter; they have to know how to start a conversation and keep it going. It’s more pressure than some guys are ready for. But being shy is certainly not a bad thing at all. And as guys mature, you’re going to find it easier and easier to meet people, especially in college, where it doesn’t matter if you’re a big athlete or a cheerleader. Many people who weren’t popular in high school blossom in the college atmosphere. So no, there’s nothing wrong with you. You might think everyone else is falling in love, and dating, and in relationships, but much of that is posturing. Most people are searching just like you are; they’re just better at faking it. Does this help? Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And keep in touch and let us know how things are going. Sorry again for the question mix up. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. Share on Facebook, or wherever. We appreciate it.

  3. Thank you, and yes this did help. A lot. I’m actually taking a communications class at the local community college up my street, because I want to break out of my shyness just a little. Not a lot, but enough to broaden my social life. You see, for being someone who is extremely shy, I’ve alienated myself from people while I was in high school, because the fear of making a fool out of myslef was way too strong to take that leap of risk. Which means that I was a homebody most of my school career, and I still am, kind of. The only difference now is that I’m finally ready to make some changes that is my social life. Of course the fear of stepping out of my comfort zone is still there, but that is why I’ve chosen to take this communications class. While the class is helping tremendously, I still have comfort zone battles that is keeping me from being truly invested, inside the class and outside of the class. So I was wondering if you could please give me some suggestions on how to approach new people(male/female) so I can finally begin to cultivate friendships? I’m open to anything; as frightening as it may be, I need to do this in order to actually see myself moving forward.
    Thank you again for your input and taking the time read my questions, as I’m sure you guys are busy enough 🙂

    Sincerely,
    Morgan

  4. @Morgan…….We’re glad we could help. Taking this class is a great first step. In fact, an easy way to approach someone is to see if they want to study for upcoming exams, or work on an upcoming project together. Also, when is the class? Sometimes people go out after class for coffee, drinks (if you’re of age of course), or some other activity. That’s a good place to start. Taking other classes—if it works for you—is also a good idea. The more you expand your activities, the more likely friendships will follow. Have you tried: meetup.com ?? We’ve heard a lot of people rave about it. It’s not a dating site—although people certainly meet there to date. It’s more a place where they have activities for people to enjoy, and at the same time meet new people. The good thing about it is, everyone is there for the same reason: to meet people. So everyone feels a little shy, and in turn, everyone feels a little bit more motivated to reach out and talk to people. We’ve heard that people are receptive to others coming up to talk with them. Check it out. If we come up with other thoughts we’ll let you know. Last thought: High school is its own little world, with its own little rules, groups, etc. The rest of your life has nothing to do with high school; and the more you’re out in the world the more you’ll see that. So chin up, and take some risks. Sure, rejection is part of risk taking, but you’ll get used to that. (We’ve been rejected hundreds of times for various things. It’s not as bad as you think.) So can we ask a question? Why are you so shy? What does it stem from? If it’s an ongoing issue it could be worth talking to someone about it. No shame in trying to get to the bottom of your issue. More and more people are talking with therapists/counselors for insight. Thoughts?

  5. Dear guys,
    I am in highschool. Every morning this guy and I are always stealing glances at each other. Then he will smile at me and then I smile back. It’s the usually stuff. But the second I think he is finally going to approach me, he doesn’t. It’s the same daily routine too! We see each other between three different periods and he hasn’t even started a conversation with me. Hell, I don’t know what to think any more. I want him to ask me out, but I am so sick of waiting. Should I look for a different man? Or should I approach him myself? Oh help me!!! 🙁

  6. @Cassie…..He’s scared. Is there a way you can break the ice somehow? Do you know any of his friends? Do you have mutual friends? What else does he do? Can you insert yourself into a situation where it would be easy for him to talk to you? We think he should initiate the asking out but if you make it easy for him to do this it might help. (And we do think he is interested, but somewhat immature and inexperienced, as most high school boys are.) Keep us posted and good luck.

  7. Sarah Yvette // March 13, 2013 at 8:19 pm //

    I like this one guy at my school, and I’m not sure if he likes me, he gives me mixed signals. I remember that back in the day he used to like me and I’m not sure of he still does. I see him looking at me sometimes. Like almost staring. I think I kind of like him too, but the thing is tut he is the complete opposite of me. He used to play basketball and be athletic and what not, but now he smokes weed and stuff. Any advice?

  8. @Sarah……Let him take the initiative here. If he’s not able to approach you then he’s probably not mature enough to be in a relationship, or, he’s either not interested, or used to girls chasing him. Also, are you sure you want to get involved with a guy who does some things you don’t? (Like drugs.) You need to think about that. Not saying he’s a bad guy, just, you don’t want to get caught up in that sort of thing. It happens.

3 Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. High School Dating: How do I get this guy in biology to notice me? | The Guy's Perspective
  2. When do you know if you’re ready to lose your virginity? | The Guy's Perspective
  3. Should I break up with my high school love when I go to college? | The Guy's Perspective

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