His actions don’t match his words; will he come back?

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Dear Guys,

My ex broke up with me about three weeks ago. The relationship was great and he claims that I was the best girlfriend he ever had. He said I was amazing. He introduced me to all of his friends, extended family, and even coworkers. He gets along with my family and friends as well. He’s been stressing about getting this job that he wants and some family problems too. I was the least stressful thing in his life. So he said that he didn’t want to do it but he needed a break. When he came back a week later, he told me that he thought we should just be friends for now until he gets his life and career sorted out and he doesn’t want to drag me through it but he still sees a future with me. He even says that he’s still attracted to me and that the spark between us is in no way gone.

He understands that I can’t wait for him, but he says he still needs to do this for himself and he’ll be upset if I move on, but it’s something he will have to cope with. His family and friends say that he was really hurt by the decision and he’s not taking it well. But on social media it seems like he’s perfectly fine. He even took down all of our pictures right after he broke it off. I also know that he’s been going out with his friends a lot and even started talking to another girl at a party. We’ve only been broken up for three weeks.

The breakup came almost six months into the relationship a month after I threw him a 21st birthday party with all of his friends and family. I got my stuff from his house after we broke up and he was upset about that. So I asked him if he really meant what he said about wanting to get back together after he figured himself out and I let him know that I’d be perfectly fine if he didn’t mean it. He said he absolutely meant if. But his actions aren’t matching his words. His friends and family tell me that he still cares but I just don’t see it. If he still wants to get back together then why is he acting this way by putting up a cool guy front and flirting around? And if I’m so great to him then why leave in the first place?

Steph

Dear Steph,

Whenever things don’t add up it’s good to question and get other opinions. You’re right. His actions don’t match his words. What you need to decide is which do you believe: What he’s saying or how he’s behaving.

Honestly, this sounds a lot like the old, “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse. Think about it. If he’s stressed out, and you’re the least stressful part of his life, and possibly even a stress-reliever, why would he decide to break up with you? Logic would point the other way. Sure, it’s not unheard of for a guy to break up because he’s having trouble managing his life, but often, it’s because there’s a doubt in his mind about the relationship. His breaking up with you is not just about his job and stressful life, it’s about something that’s missing for him in the relationship. We have no idea what that might be, but to us that seems the most logical explanation for why he broke up, especially now that he’s out partying, talking to other girls, and enjoying himself.

You know Steph, he’s a young guy, and probably not as mature as you, which also means he’s probably not as ready to be involved in a committed relationship. Sounds like he gave it a shot, but then realized it was too much, and decided he wanted to be single again and do what he pleased without having to answer to someone.

We’re sorry. We wish we could be more upbeat but we have to tell it like we see it. That said, talk to your friends, family, see what they say. And then decide what you want to do. You have two options: Wait around for him to possibly change his mind or move on and look for a guy who loves and respects you the way you love and respect him.

Take care of yourself,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll tell your friends about us. Thanks. Check out our ereports. They make for fun and informative reading.

10 Comments on His actions don’t match his words; will he come back?

  1. Hey Guys, it’s me again,
    So I’ve been doing good, moving on and all with my life and he texted me for Thanksgiving. It was a simple Happy Thanksgiving with a smiley face so a couple hours later I responded with the same. He immediately texted again asking how I was doing and basically it turned into an all day conversation. He responded to my last text for the day, the next day. I assumed that the conversation was over so I just didn’t reply for all of that Friday. However he texted me that Saturday saying he’d like to see me if that was okay with me, so I invited him to our mutual friend’s get together (because I assumed he was being friendly). At the get together he stuck to my hip the entire time and we ended up talking for 2 1/2 hours after he was supposed to leave. He kept saying how hopefully we could see each other again one on one and that it was really nice to see me. Since then we have texted everyday. We don’t always respond to each other right away but it’s always continues from morning to night. He’s always initiated contact but we both stay away from the topic of the relationship/break up. He also constantly tells me to tell my family he says hello. He never mentions sex or hooking up so is he just trying to be my friend? I’m not sure because he doesn’t even text his own friends everyday. Or is he just playing with my head? He does hint at seeing me again in our conversations and uses some of our old inside jokes as well.

  2. @Steph….Glad you’re doing well. Interesting development. But this is a “wait and see” situation. It sounds like he’s having some second thoughts and misses you. And his interest seems genuine. However, his behavior is not that uncommon after a breakup. Second guessing. Remorse possibly. He could be lonely. It’s hard to say really. Remember, you were a big part of his life for a long time, and often times, the woman in a man’s life is his main emotional support and outlet. Now that he doesn’t have it he misses it. That said, be careful here. If he had doubts or questions about his feelings or the relationship, his recent behavior doesn’t mean they’ve gone away, he’s just ignoring them in lieu of more pressing issues: feeling lonely, horny, or sentimental. Proceed with open eyes here. Remember, waiting around for him, means you’re holding yourself back from other possibilities. Good luck. Ask another question anytime. And please spread the word about us. THE GUYS

  3. Dear Guys,
    There’s been another development. Last week he got some new that he’s basically gotten the job he wants and he texted me saying that we have to celebrate because it’s mainly because of me sticking by him and motivating him (I did do a lot for him with this) etc etc. He told me before he even told his parents and friends. I didn’t really think we’d celebrate so I said sure and congrats and all. The next day he asked if we could go out to lunch so I agreed, he had taken from all three jobs he currently works to do this and get some paperwork done. The day after, we go out to lunch, he pays, it’s just like old times with us catching up and laughing and joking as well as him showing me pictures of his family and giving me updates on them as well (this was the only time he paid he phone any mind). Afterwards we hang out for a little bit more, he even came and talked to my dad for 30+ minutes. When we were hanging out alone however he cuddled up next to me and tried to kiss me but I stopped him and asked him what he was expecting. He said he knew it wasn’t leading anywhere and that he just wanted a kiss. So I told him that I thought he just wanted to be friends and asked for him to tell me what’s really going on. He said that he does want us to back together after he’s settled into his career but he can’t tell me when because if things don’t work out then he doesn’t want to be labeled as the bad guy for wasting my time and he doesn’t want to make promises he can’t keep. I did give him a kiss because I did really miss him but that’s as far as it went. I told him that we could be friends but it wouldn’t be friends with benefits and he agreed to that. We watched TV for a little longer and he fell asleep in my lap for a bit and then he had to go because I had to go to work. He’s still texting me on the regular everyday since then. I’m taking this as I should not get my hopes up?

  4. @Steph…..Certainly this is not a bad sign. But…..proceed forward with open eyes. He might have said he didn’t expect anything, but you can be sure he was hoping for a little celebration romp in the sack. What concerns us is that the future of your relationship depends solely on his job working out. That just seems odd to us. You either want to be with the person or you don’t. This is your call, but we see red-flags here. Even if you get back together who’s to say this whole scenario won’t keep repeated?

  5. Hey Guys,
    I took you all’s advice and moved on since we last spoke and I’m actually doing great. Thank you! I just wanted to update you since a mutual friend recently told me the entire story and I was hoping it’d make sense to you (because it doesn’t to me). So around the time that we broke up, a new girl came to work at his job. Here’s the kicker: she was already three months pregnant. Everyone knows it was not his child because she has already put the father on child support. After we broke up he started dating around and kept a couple girls in his rotation including her. He tried to keep in contact with me all the way up until March when he got his job that he had wanted but I kept ignoring him. So he stopped. I then saw him at another friend’s party in March where he was flirting with me but people took him aside and to him to leave me alone because they knew what was going on (I still had no clue of any of this). He told them that she was just a friend to him even though he took her everywhere with him although his family and friends all strongly dislike her and the circumstances. Some of them still try to keep in contact with me He was even there after she had her child and is still with her. Saying that he’s serious about her and that now they’re officially together as of some time late April. Good for them and I hope everything works out (I honestly do). He does not post anything tying them together online ever and never brings her to anything that I will be at that our friends have (even though I would not make a scene) like he did with me which leads me to question: was he just faking our relationship? I know that some guys say that the happier the relationship the more private and he was never really private with ours. He posted pictures before I did way before we were together and was the first to change his “status”. He was like this with previous relationships as well. I’m just curious if I was facade of some type. Thanks for all of you guy’s support!

  6. @Steph…..Nice to hear you’re doing well. You know, it’s really difficult to tell exactly what’s going on in his head, and why he’s doing what he’s doing, and if he was faking things with you. But here’s what we can say. A general rule of ours: When relationships work, they just work. There’s not tons of second guessing, wondering, questioning. Both people just want it, and off it goes. That wasn’t the case with your relationship with him for whatever reason. Hopefully your next relationship will be smooth from the beginning. Hope this helps a little and glad we could offer you support. Take care and thanks for sharing our site with friends.

  7. I met a man 2.5 years ago who was in a relationship that was on again and off. We hung out just as friends and there was serious chemistry between us but I never crossed that line. Fast forward to November 2016.. I get a test out of the blue from this man wanting to get together to catch up. He told me that they had broken up and we began spending time together. We spent almost everyday together up until the beginning of February. I started to get this feeling in my gut that something wasn’t right but of course the female brain didn’t allow me to process that. Saturday February 25th (2 days after my birthday) we watched movies, he told me he made a list of things he wanted us to do and made plans for the next day. Sunday.. February 26th… I woke up with this feeling I could not shake (nervous energy). We had plans to get together later in the day but I sent him a text that said “I enjoy spending time with you but I feel lately that the feeling is not mutual”.. The response I got explained my feeling I had throughout the day.. He responds with “I enjoy spending time with you as well but we need to talk”. I couldn’t meet with him and needless to say the breakup was done through text messaging. He said I was the best girlfriend to him that he could have ever asked for but he could not get to the same place with me as he could with his ex. He said I deserved better than him, any man would be lucky to call me his, but he needs to concentrate on creating stability and security for him and his daughters. He was completely devastated by his last relationship that I feel it caused the destruction of ours. I was completely blindsided by the break-up since we always had such a great time together. It was so effortless and the laughter we shared, my stomach would hurt. He texted me last week letting me know again that I was an amazing person but he could not love me and that he never meant to hurt me. My last text to him was “This is my final text .. I am sadden that it didn’t work out and I will miss you and your girls very much. Just know I will always be here if you ever need a friend”. I guess my question is … Do you think there could be a chance of him coming back?

  8. @Natasha……Sure, there’s always a chance. BUT…….based on what you’re saying, and what he’s saying, NO, we don’t think he’ll come back. That’s just our opinion of course, but it sounds like he cares a lot about you but something was missing for him. (Maybe even something he can’t articulate.) But, we’d recommend you start thinking about moving on. We are very sorry. You take care of yourself.

  9. Natasha Leach // March 12, 2017 at 9:30 pm //

    I appreciate your honesty and I will move forward. There will always be a glimmer of hope that one day our paths will cross when the time is right. He has a lot of mental baggage he needs to deal with and what we had was really special but he just couldn’t see it. His heart was too broken by the last woman and I feel he cut and ran to protect himself from another heartbreak. It would be nice to know if he thinks about me as much as I do him. Again I thank you and just take it one day at a time.

  10. @Natasha……You take care of yourself. Wish we could have been more upbeat with our response. And sure, like we said, there’s always a chance, but be careful not to keep yourself in an emotional holding pattern. We’d hate for you to miss out on some other opportunity because you weren’t able to “see” it. Be well. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

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