I’m a 34 year-old woman, busy making my life work, and recently separated. Found a guy for a booty call. He’s absolutely great in bed. We have explosive chemistry. I don’t want a relationship with him. I’m sure he’s a nice guy but not for me. Here’s the thing. I’m a naturally sensitive, sensual person and I love to be sweet and generous to my lovers and I like it when they are the same to me. In the past, though, this has caused them to fall in love with me. Any thoughts on how I can express my naturally loving open-hearted style without causing him to fall in love? The last thing I want is to hurt him cuz I’m not an a-hole. I just want my cake and for him to eat it too!
At first we weren’t sure if you were kidding or not. (Guys don’t typically have a problem with a purely physical relationship.) But after reading your question a few times we can see that you’re quite serious and that you truly don’t want to hurt your new man.
The easiest way to keep him at arm’s length is to pull back and not be so generous and giving a lover. But where would that get you? The whole reason you’re into him is that the two of you have great chemistry.
Understand, that you have no control over how he feels, or how he might feel. All you can do is be honest with him every step of the way. Reassure him that you love being with him but that you’re not interested in a long-term relationship, and probably won’t be for a long time, especially now that you’re recently separated.
What’s interesting is that your situation is a complete role-reversal from what we normally see. (Typically it’s men who are trying to find the right balance between having fun and not leading a woman on.) The only difference is that your man—and most men—will likely accept your dating parameters, whereas a woman in the same situation, might throw in the towel when it became clear that the relationship wasn’t going to evolve into anything more serious.
Our advice: Don’t change what you’re doing, just be honest with him, and make sure he understands that you mean what you say. (You might have to repeat your speech regularly.) If he starts to act all funny and mushy then you might just need to cut him loose unfortunately. But until then, enjoy.
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