How to start a long distance relationship?

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Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 


Dear Guys,

I recently met a man and really hit it off with him, even though we only spent about a week together. The problem is he lives a two hour plane ride away. We’ve kept in touch via texting and it’s been getting very suggestive. I want to see if this could potentially be a relationship but is he just in it for phone/cyber sex? I’m not sure if I should go with it and see what happens or back off?


Dear Olivia,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s hard to say what this guy wants. But if you’re really interested in pursuing this more you need to get to know him much better.

The first way to do this is talk to him as much as possible. We know that texting-especially of the suggestive nature-can be fun, but it’s keeping the relationship in the fantasy realm which is always sexy and seductive, but not going to help you gather the information you need to figure out if you want to pursue a relationship with him. And since you live a good distance from each other you need to up the actual conversation to find out more about him-his friends, interests, job, family- and then hopefully find out about what he wants-casual relationship, committed relationship, marriage, or a fling.

Of course ultimately the best way to find out about him is to get together in person. You don’t mention how the two of you met but we assume from your cautious tone that maybe you met online. It doesn’t seem like he’s a friend of a friend or anything like that. So if you do get together maybe it should be on your terms and your turf. If he’s really interested he’ll be willing to do whatever he can to see you, which includes abiding by the guidelines you set.

If you really want to explore this but don’t feel you know him well enough, then have him stay at a hotel while he visits you. That way he’s not actually staying with you while he visits. You always have the option of inviting him to stay, but at least this doesn’t throw you into an uncomfortable position of having to move faster than you’re ready to. It’s also not a bad thing to proceed with a little caution since you don’t know him that well.

If for some reason you decide to visit him, we suggest the same thing. You should stay with a friend in that city, or at a hotel, just so you can have a little bit of separation for you to think, and remove yourself from the intensity that is part of any long distance relationship, and any “activities” he may be encouraging you to engage in.

But first and foremost start talking to him as much as possible. If he resists or doesn’t seem like he wants to put the time into really getting to know you, then he probably is looking for just a hook up.

Keep us posted. And good luck.


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37 Comments on How to start a long distance relationship?

  1. chichi183 // July 4, 2012 at 12:37 pm //

    Hi Guys,

    Thank YOU Thank You so much for this advice, this has somewhat enlightened me… I admit it I have been reading over the weekend LDR’s + blogs about not meeting family etc and believe me, the comments aren’t nice at all. And you were right it somehow builds resentment deep inside me. As a matter of fact I was planning to end it tonight with him via bbm which I know is very childish and stupid idea. Wherein he doesn’t do anything bad at all other than of my concern. But you really give a lot of sense on that part. That was the best advise as you never add up on my suspicion but instead enlighten me to that fact. Which is may not be his fault really. He has three sisters and his the only boy in the family. His mom loved him so much and so does everyone. We are on the same religion which is good. He meets his family on a weekends very often. He’s always eager to know everything about me and get really so close with the people that matters most to me. And you have the best point in there as every one in his family still treats him like a very precious to them. It maybe hard for them to accept. Well thank you thank you really!! Such a big help of enlightenment on my part. More power to you guys and indeed I will keep you posted!

  2. @ChiChi…..You’re welcome. Good luck and yes, keep us posted.

  3. Hi GUYS,
    I was on a bus ride home today when i met this guy both of us coming from new York. He lives in new York and i reside in pensacola fl. So anyway i initiated the conversation by asking how old he was. Has 28. Works for apple as a consultant. We spoke of his passion and mine for singing and he came and sat by me for the hour ride he had left. We spoke of how we started music we like and then he added me on Facebook. I told him id ask for his number but i don’t have minutes and he said he was going to turn his phone off to just hit him up on Facebook. That has always on. And said why did i wait till 30 minutestill his spot to talk to him. Is he genuinely interested or just being nice?

  4. @Esther……Well this is interesting and fun. It’s way too soon to know. What kinds of things did you talk about? Our main suggestion: Let him do all of the initiating. He should be the one asking for your number, your email. He should be the one contacting you and making an effort to keep in touch if that’s truly what you both want to do. Then you’ll really know if he’s interested or just being nice.

  5. Hi. We moved to Richardsbay a few weeks ago I got guy on bbm we’re talking everyday now I saw him at the beach the other day I was to scared to say hi to him he didn’t see me at all that night I told him I saw him over bbm and he said sorry for not seeing me and stuff and now I’m starting to like him but I don’t know if he likes me he will always send me hugs and immediatly notices when I’m a bit down. But know I don’t know if he’s only using me or he’s really into me? Were meeting for the first time tomorrow and I don’t know what to expect! Any help please? He’s only 2 years older then me

  6. @Denise…….It’s hard to say. You don’t give us a whole lot to go on. Why don’t you see what happens and ask a question when you have a better sense of what’s what. It seems like he’s into you, but to what extent is difficult to surmise. Keep us posted. And thanks for sharing our site with all of your friends.

  7. I met a man at a wedding over a year ago. He was from out of town and stayed about a week. From the moment we met we hit it off very well. Spent the whole week together, even after the wedding. I didn’t think anything of it I mean everyone hears about hook up’s at weddings. So I just decided to have fun knowing I would never see him again. While we were together over the week everyone thought we were a couple we were so hooked on each other. He even made the comment of me visiting him where he lives, asked about how long of a drive or if it would be better to fly. I made the excuse I get car sick (I heard before I met him that he gets women easy and I didn’t want to be a long distance booty call). So after that he never made an attempt to ask me out his way again. Over the year I would send him a random messages and he would send me one every once in a while. In December I made a comment on his facebook and then we really got started talking. This guy recently move to another city, so he kept making the comment when am I coming out to visit. Most of our talks are brief; I’m not an open person and have a hard time communicating with people I don’t know. However, once my wall comes down I don’t shut-up. He hasn’t gotten past my wall yet; I’m still reserve about what we talk about. I decided I needed to get away and booked a plane ticket to see him, on his invite of course. This was soo out of my box, but I just remember the way I felt last time I was with him and wanted to feel that again. While out there I had a great time, like we did over the wedding only less alcohol was involved. This was only for two days. In the end I had the same feeling like I’ve known him forever. We were able to pick up where we left off as if there wasn’t a huge time difference since last time we saw each other. I did get to know him better because we spent a lot of time driving. After asking many questions and talking for two days straight I realized we have a lot in common. He however didn’t really ask me much. When it was time to go to the airport I asked about work and if he gets free time what places he’d want to go to, I dropped the hint about coming to visit me. When leaving we didn’t talk about seeing each other again nor did we talk about what it is we’re doing. He did let me know he had a really good time and was glad I came. Now I’m wonder where do we go from here? I think I should just play it out and see what happens? What if I was just the out of town booty call? I really don’t know what to do next? I do know I that the way I feel about him when I’m around him I haven’t felt like that before or with any other guy.

  8. I just experienced an amaaaazing long wkend in the Bahamas with a college “friend” I had not seen in 23 yrs!! The chemistry was electric, comfort level exceedingly high- I was essentially swept off my feet!! Very nice at 45 (he is 42) after a string of distastrous connections. . . We both decided to start a relationship, albeit long distance, and see where it takes us. He wants to “make it happen” and meet me in the states later this month during my spring break. His job is way demanding, btw and plans to return to the states with new gig by next Jan.

    I feel like after a week I have come down from the giddiness and I am crashing because the communication waters seem muddy. What is the protocol when starting out or is it for he and I to decide? Even prior to the visit, which was a good 4-5 weeks’ build up, he rarely initiated communication but was quick, energetic and sweet in his responses. Still is– do I just lay low and wait for him to call etc.? He knows I can’t call b/c of the expense and when we left each other, he said there will be many, many calls- just put “call me” in the subject line of the email and I will call you. Is he used to being led? I want him to call b/c he wants to call, not because I have asked him to.

    I have not emailed him in 2 days b/c I don’t think I should be the one doing all the work, even if I do have more time on my hands. When you want to communicate with a special someone, you make time. I am weary of men, it is hard for me to trust and hope to H-LL this guy is one of the “good ones” like he says he is. Advice? Thank you. As you can tell, I am very smitten but I do need to protect my heart.

  9. @CTChick…..First of all, thanks again for your donation. We do appreciate it! Your instincts are spot on. We’re still old-fashioned in the sense that we believe the guy should be taking the initiative. Although your situation is slightly different since it’s long distance, and you have a previous connection. However, it’s not his lack of communication that bothers us more than the fact that he doesn’t realize how important it is for him to show you that he’s interested. We would think by 42 he would have enough understanding of how relationships work to know that asking a woman to text him first so he can call later is kind of lame. To us it shows one of three things. 1. Insecurity, and a lack of confidence. 2. A guy who’s used to getting his way. 3. Cluelessness …..We’re not trying to rain on your parade, but we don’t see how this long distance relationship is going to work if this is his idea of effort and communication. It’s very likely he’s a good guy. (You would know better than us.) But is he also aware? That’s the question that you’ll need to figure out in the coming months. Hopefully this will work itself out. It does sound like he’s into you. We just hope he knows what it takes to be in a relationship. And long distance relationships require even more effort and communication. Any more questions? Thoughts?

  10. Hey guys, I already shot you an e-mail, and it’s the same subject as this. I’m reaaaaaally impatient, no pressure. But I was wondering when I’m going to get a reply back and how, through e-mail or on this site?

  11. Dear guys,
    I got the e-mail and thought that it would just be easier to put my question on here. Ok, so I met a guy, online… I know, I know, it’s dangerous and all that. But I really like him. I also really think he isn’t lieing to me about who he is. We have talked for a few weeks, and for hours on end. I mean hours, we once talked for 8 hours straight. So I really think he is interested in me, not future benefits. We have a lot in common and I really like him and I’ve told him so. He says he feels the same way but he has a long distance girlfriend. I’m really glad it didn’t crash and burn at that moment like it does with usual guys. We still talk and I like him even more. I’m just wondering, should I still talk to him, I really want something more. I’m not going to pressure him and push him away. Should I continue thinking it could work, or should I just give up on that dream, be realistic, and be a good friend?

  12. @Alex……The question you should ask yourself is: If he has a girlfriend why is he on an online dating site? That said, it doesn’t hurt to talk to him, but we’d be very cautious here and proceed slowly. We get the sense he’s not representing himself accurately. Trust your gut Alex.

  13. Hey guys. Here is my situation. I went to new york for the 4th of july weekend and I met this guy. He is one of my cousin’s realllyyy good friend. The night we met we hit it off great. We were talking for a bit and having a great night with everyone. The second day, on saturday we were connected some more. We went to brunch with everyone had a few drinks. We even shared a drink back at my hotel room with everyone. Saturday night we got even closer and we hooked up. My flight was sunday evening and saturday he told me he didnt want me to leave and that he loved me(we were both drunk). Now we’ve been texting a bit but im not sure if he’s really intertested so not.

  14. @Rutu…..It’s too soon to know. See how this plays out over the course of a month. However, it’s likely you shared a fun weekend and now it’s back to reality.

  15. So, another one here…I met a guy online, he contacted me and said if I was ever in his town, I should let him know, he would show me around. That was about 10 months ago. That led to a phone call at thanksgiving and a few back and forths by text. On July 4th he contacted me out of the blue to say hello and ask when I would be in town. It turned out about a month later ii had a business reason to be in town and friends in the area, so I extended. The date was a whole day of sightseeing, and he seemed smitten and mentioned maybe coming to my town to see me.

    The one issue was that I unexpectedly was leaving for Latin America for a week and a half after the trip. He did follow up the next day saying what a great time he had and was looking forward to seeing me again. We had a nice back and forth until I left. When I arrived in chile, he had texted me something silly, and I responded including that I would not be checking that phone much and he could feel free to text me on my work phone. I did not hear anything back, but I did not think I would until I was back stateside. In addition, he had not been online on the site for a week. I texted him again 5 days later just saying hello and wishing him a great weekend, and it looks like he has been back online. Could his interest have faded that fast? Was I overstepping? I have only contacted him once where it was not a responce.

    Or are we both free agents, and just wait to see if he calls when I get home? I have not responded to his text responding to my hello, he did not ask any questions. I know it is possible he could really like me, and not want to do long distance… Thoughts?

  16. Oh, just one other thing, I don’t get home until Wednesday? Was it ok to check in? I would normally not do that unless I was out of town. My plan is to not contact him again, unless he initiates. I suppose the momentum may have dropped…

  17. Hey,
    So I met this guy online and I thought he lived near me, but it turns out he was only visiting. He asked to meet me and we had fun. The next day I asked if we could meet up and we did, it was one of the best dates ever, he went and added me on all my social media sites even. He left the next day and I texted him wishing him safe travels and he texted me back and told me that he wished me luck with my dating life. I’m really confused, we got along so well and I thought he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. Do you think he is scared of entering a long distance relationship and is worried that I might find someone else (he has had something similar happen before) or is he just not as interested as I thought he was?

  18. @Ellie….Honestly, it’s hard to say with so little information. What we can say is if he was WAY into you he might have tried to take things in a different direction. Our best guess is that he liked you well enough, but not to the point where he wants to commit to a long distance relationship. Our suggestion would be to keep in touch with him and see if anything transpires. (Another visit perhaps??) However, make sure you let him lead and initiate any sort of get together. Otherwise you won’t really know where he stands with the situation. Good luck. (Please let your friends know about us. Thanks)

  19. Hello,
    My name is Mar and I’m from Spain. This summer i meet a boy 5 years older than me (24) and i fell for him.
    We talked everyday through whatsapp, he is from Holland, and everything was just great ‘bill one month later I went to Holland and I met with him and his friends. I stayed with one of his friends because he had university and I only met him the last day.
    It was fun, we didn’t talk a lot but we played cards, went to party and laughter a lot…
    After i got back to Spain we continued talking but little by little we started talking less ‘bill Christmas when he almost started avoiding my messages.
    I don’t know what to do… I really like him and it feels like I won’t be able to forget about him ’till i talk with him but he’s not making it easy.
    In 2 days I will be going to Holland on a week vacation but he will be in Turin almost the same days. My only chance is to meet him the day before going back and the day after he games back but i don’t know if he will want to see me…
    What should I do?
    P.D. he told me that he wanted to flirt with me before, but I don’t know if he would still want that… (even thought I don’t think so ’cause of the way he acts towards me…)

  20. @Mar….Nice to hear from you……Honestly, if he was really into you he’d be making much more of an effort than he is. In fact, not only is he not making an effort, it seems he’s doing what he can to avoid you. We know you really like him, and we know at first he seemed to really like you, but you can’t ignore his actions now. He’s making it clear that he doesn’t feel the way you feel. He might not be saying it, but he’s showing you. We’re sorry. Maybe it’s time to find a nice young man in your own country?

  21. Dear Guys,
    I’m from Montana and I have a little problem. So I have a friend that I really like but he lives across the country from me. We talk non stop and he shows interest in me too. But I’m not sure if starting a long distance relationship would work. I would like to start a relationship with him but I’m shy and second guessing the whole thing. Help?

  22. @Sarai……Has he asked you to start a long distance relationship? Has he asked to come see you? How old are the two of you? How do you know one another? Fill us in a little more and we’ll get back to you.

  23. I met a guy online in his early 40s about 3 weeks ago. We are around the same age, but I am still a virgin by choice until I met the right person (obviously I still haven’t), and he is not a virgin and has been married before. He “liked” me on the dating website we used. I unfortunately didn’t wait for him to text hello first, I did but we started to text several times a day. Within a week we were flirting and eventual it turned to phone sex. We are very attracted to one another. Things got a little complicated after that because I had never done that before and felt a little guilty based on religious thoughts but enjoyed it at the same time and got more emotionally attached. I expressed it to him and he had a hard time and felt bad that I felt bad for doing it. It was in no way forced, I initiated the flirty texts throughout that day that led us to that point and it was exciting. I had to keep assuring him that my guilt was not his fault. Finally we got last that after a few days and had phone sex again. I was totally fine with it. He is a sweet guy but he doesn’t talk much,
    I do most of the talking and asks most of the questions about him and his life than he does about mine. He understands where I’m at now regarding premarital sex and gets thy I need patience. He hasn’t said that he wants to end things and has said that he is possibly willing to wait. But, but I’m having the same issue as a previous poster, there are
    2 day lags between his texting we haven’t yet Skyped or anything like that and I would love to just interact with him in that way and not just texts and a few calls. Lastly, he has a great family responsibility caring for an elderly family member with one of his parents and he works full-time. He says he has alot going on so I don’t want to overwhelm him, I would like to be a respite for him from all of his responsibilities.
    We have said that we would meet hopefully within the next month but haven’t solidified anything and by the way I’m nursing an injury so I can’t drive or be on my feet for the next 8 wks so the possibility of meeting even half way between out cities is hard at least until Oct. So I have more time on my hands to think, speculate and doubt and wait for texts. I really like him and but I don’t know where is head is at. I also don’t want to bombard him with serial texts so I try to wait and the texts are not like they were in the beginning again it’s only been 3 weeks we’ve been talking, should I be worried that he can’t handle a virgin? Does he just have a lot going on in his mind, like he said? Do I need to have patience with him as well? When or how often should I text him so I don’t feel like I’m bothering him?

  24. @Beth……A few questions for you: Are you definitely NOT open to pre-marital sex? Are you wondering if he sees you as long-term potential? Is that what you are looking for? Long-term commitment? Marriage? The thing is, he may find you attractive, and like flirting with you or having phone sex with you, but it seems unlikely that he’d want to wait to get married before he has sex. This is not a criticism or judgement about your choice, we’re just trying to give you some insight into what he’s probably thinking. We know it’s a bit soon, but has he said anything about wanting to get married again? Typically a divorced guy is NOT looking to jump back into a serious relationship or marriage. Instead they’re looking to date around and make up for lost time. (We’re talking sex.) Fill us in a little more and we’ll get back to you.

  25. Dear guys,
    Thank you answering back. I’m open to premarital sex if it’s at the least its a committed relationship. He’s been single for over 14 years so it was time and when I asked him what he was looking for he said a wife. He has dated but not with much success. When I questioned whether he’d be willing to wait he said that he didn’t say that he wouldn’t be willing to wait.

  26. @Beth…What’s your gut tell you? All we’d suggest is to keep your eyes open if you move forward. We’re not getting the sense that he’s all in at this point. What do you think?

  27. Dear Guys,
    Yes I agree, which makes me a little sad. Can you tell me what things you think show that he may not be all in? I know I’m being blinded my my feelings and probably need a wake up call.


  28. @Beth….What shows he’s not all in? Well, how about that you ask most of the questions and are trying to get know him more than he is you. Also the fact that isn’t great at communicating with you, or not great at returning your texts, or initiating texts. And the fact that he says he’s really busy and has a lot going on. Basically making excuses. The thing is, if he was really all in he’d be doing everything in his power to talk to you, get to know you, and especially see you.

  29. Thanks Guys,
    I know I just needed to hear it. He told me tonight that I probably won’t hear him say how much he likes me because he’s guarded. I told him well if I have some feeling and he doesn’t I’d prefer to cut my losses and go if I never hear how the man I’m spending time with feels. He then answers with “great now your going to cut and run?” He has a lot of esteem issues and I don’t understand how he could really make me happy. I told him that I didn’t understand how do you expect to get married again if you don’t express your feelings? It’s weird I feel like I just walked into to my own version of 50
    Shades of &@#**ed up! Only without the great penthouse apartment, the Audi and the helicopter. His son story reels me back in but, I think I need to cut this off. Thanks, Beth.

  30. @Beth……We were just being honest based on what you told us. As to whether your should stay or go? Well, we’d say, you would know better than us. Just trust your gut. Let us know if we can help in the future. ps. And please share our site with friends. Thanks!

  31. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  32. Kira River // November 16, 2016 at 4:49 pm //

    I went and visited a friend of mine this past summer whose family had moved from my state to the state “next door”. In the time I was visiting, I ended up re-meeting my high school crush, her brother, whom I had initially considered standoffish.
    Having spent over a week with the family, I really got to know the brother and we had several late night discussions (nothing flirtatious or immodest, honest) almost all of which he initiated and I merely added to at times.
    Since my return home, over the last few months, we have made it a habit to talk nearly every night, sometimes texting, other times late night Skype calls, and again, nothing flirtatious or immodest. He starts the majority of and carries most our conversations, even though I try to help at times.
    I have really grown to like him, from a schoolgirl crush, to best friend, to something more. I have a feeling he might be interested in me as well.
    We often talk about what we would do together if he came down to visit, and eventually move back, but so far no free time has occurred for either of us.
    Does he care for me as more than a friend? Should I even consider a long distance relationship?

  33. @Kira…..If he’s spending this much time talking, texting, Skyping you, then yes, he’s definitely interested. Should you consider a long distance relationship? Why not. But make sure he initiates any sort of get together and any sort of relationship proposal. That way you’ll know where he stands. Resist the urge to take the lead. Good luck. We hope it works out for you. ps. You might want to read our short e-report on Long Distance Relationships. (Go to the E-Book page and check it out.)

  34. Dear Guys,

    In January I met someone online (I know, original) that I was really taken by but it is very complicated. I had been online dating off and on since September and nothing really took off with anyone. In fact, I have never been in a committed relationship at any point in my life. That being said, I have had sexual relations, but I’ve never developed an emotional attachment.
    This guy that I met is a foreign veterinarian (I’m pre-veterinary myself) and we have many similarities across various planes. He was in my state for an externship and we didn’t get to see each other a whole lot because he was working about 7 days/week. But we had an incredible first date where I took him sightseeing, and we spent over 8 hours together. The second date was his last night in town, we watched a movie together and it ended in sex. I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to be upset when he left, but the truth is I couldn’t stop thinking about him, however a LDR is not really realistic

    One issue is he was only in town for about 3 weeks after we met and he lives 6 states away. Another issue is, he is applying for a residency and I am applying to vet school both for next year, and the chances that we would end up at the same school are very slim.

    We still talked daily and flirtatiously for the first week after he left, but after that it went down to every other day, and now just maybe once a week. I still like talking to him and want to keep things going even if we aren’t in a committed relationship (maybe that is a bit naive), but I don’t want to be the one having to initiate all the conversations. He also said when we were together that I was welcome to visit if I wanted to, which I do, but it is not something I would bring up if he isn’t still interested.


  35. @Hannah…..Yeah, LDRs are tough and they only work if BOTH people are completely committed. Sounds to us that this is turning into, “Out of sight, out of mind” for him. Sorry. It’s not that he doesn’t like you. He does. And it’s not that he wouldn’t want to see you. Sure he would. It’s just. He probably doesn’t see the point in putting that much effort into it, especially with your uncertain futures. We’d suggest you let him initiate and see what happens. If communication gets less and less then you’ll know. Keep us posted. ps. And we hope you’ll share our site with friends. Check out our e-report on this topic. LDR.

  36. Hey guys,

    I’ve been met this guy on tinder a little over 2 weeks ago and we’ve been talking since then and seeing eachother/sleeping together since then.
    He’s moving back home (about 8 hours away) in about a month.
    I really like him and would want to try a long distance relationship with him and when we were intoxicated, he asked what I was going to do when he leaves and I’m PRETTY SURE I told him I wanted to try something long distance and if it worked after a little while I’d consider moving to be with him (uprooting my home, my job, leaving all my family to go to a place I’d know him and be about 4 hours away from one of my best friends).
    He used the “L word” after drunk sex but I don’t know if he actually meant he loves ME or what we had just done or what. He said it again and when I asked about it, he said I was freaking out and kind of shut down. (Hes not a talker of feelings).
    What can I do?

  37. @Kelsey…..So why don’t you see how it goes for the next two weeks. You don’t need to rush the conversation. Ideally he’d bring it up, not you. Check back in with us in a few weeks. ps. Also, you might want to read our book on Amazon. There’s a lot of good info about guys in there, plus a chapter on long distance relationships. “Inside Your Guy’s Mind.”

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