We’ve been married for twelve years and have one child and one on the way.
My husband has been having an ongoing affair for two years. When I found out about it he told me he just wants to be free for three years, and then he will come back to me and our children. He says he would rather kill me than divorce me.
He is now living with the woman and he won’t talk to me or our child. He said that he got married too young (21) and he wants to live his life and he says I just better wait the three years on him. WTF? Please help me understand this!
Thanks for your question. We can help you understand the guy’s perspective here, but some of what you mention is beyond our scope of assistance. And we encourage you to seek some professional support, especially if you’re feeling at all uncomfortable or scared with some of the things he’s said to you. (A counselor or therapist are examples. They will be able to point you to the correct services if necessary.)
At least he’s being honest with you by saying he got married too young. Twenty-one is young for a guy to get married and then have kids. (It is for a woman too. At least these days.) He’s probably feeling he didn’t get to experience–sleep with— enough women before he started dating you, and now he wants to experience that, but still not lose you. In essence, have his cake and eat it too.
To be fair, he’s not alone in this feeling. Many guys would love to continue sleeping with as many women as they could, even when they love their wives and kids. But the thing is, once you make a commitment to someone, you can’t then have both. Some people do anyway, and that’s called cheating, but that kind of betrayal does not belong in a loving, committed relationship.
We’re not going to tell you what to do, but you really need to figure this out. He’s controlling you with his words, and possible veiled threats. If you can’t work this out yourself, we urge you to seek some professional help with this. There are services to support women in your situation.
Good luck and take care of yourself.