I cheated on my “Friends with Benefits” guy and now he hates me

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

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Dear Guys,

HELP! I dated my FWB (Friends with Benefits) for eight months. He treated me badly. Forgot my birthday. Gave back the Xmas gifts I bought him because he said he didn’t like them. Screamed at me on Xmas because his car broke down. And more.

He used to be a gentleman but it changed over time. I now pay for our dinner dates. I’ve helped him with his paperwork at his job so he could meet deadlines. I was over supportive. After eight months I asked him if we could be together (labeled girlfriend) and he said he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend because he was too busy working three jobs.

I got fed up, and slept with another guy, took a pic of the guy in my bed and texted it to my FWB, and told him to F off. I guess it was eight months of pent-up frustration after tolerating disrespect and constant put downs. He told me he didn’t love me, acted like he didn’t care if I dated other men. (All I ever wanted was him.) I told him to block my number if he didn’t like the texts I was sending. I went off on a rant, but he wouldn’t block me. He told me I ruined anything that we could of possibly had.

My question? What did I ruin? He never wanted a relationship, and if we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, I didn’t technically cheat on him. He’s been stringing me along and I guess he didn’t see this coming. I gave him everything. I feel so unappreciated and degraded, but I take full responsibility because I enabled his behavior. Now after he saw the text, he said bye and that he didn’t care anymore, and that he’s done trying; then I said goodbye too.

An hour later he rings my phone but I let it go to voicemail. Later on the same day he texts and asks me to schedule an eye doctor appointment so he can get glasses. (I work at Optometrist office, and in the past I scheduled and went to the eye doctor with him.) This time I ignored his text. The next day I got another text from him asking me to schedule an eye doctor appointment for him. Again, I ignored it. If we are broken up, then all contact should be severed. The following day, instead of texting he IMs
me on Google and asks the same question and I ignored that as well.

He didn’t contact me anymore after that. I miss him terribly, but I know I deserve better. I would just want to know what could possibly be going through his mind? Now that I am gone and standing my ground—which I have never done with him in the past because I have spoiled him rotten—do you think he is finally starting to realize how he mistreated me throughout the relationship? Please help, I am heartbroken, but determined to move forward. It was childish of me to send that pic to him, but I reached the end of my rope. I wasted eight months being strung along while he enjoyed the benefits. He treated me very badly…

Chanel

Dear Chanel,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so down right now. Hopefully as you have some space and time to take a look at your relationship the pain will lessen.

We’re not going to give you a hard time about your actions. You know it wasn’t the best idea to send him that text, although it probably felt good at the time. (And we totally get why you’d want to send it.) But the problem is there’s nowhere to go from there. You’re basically acknowledging the relationship is over. And in addition, when you do something like that it tends to shift the spotlight on you rather than on his poor behavior over the course of your relationship. In some ways it lets him off the hook.

But you didn’t cheat on him. At least technically. Because you’re right, there’s typically no commitment in a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement unless exclusivity was discussed ahead of time. And frankly by the way he acted all throughout your time together we don’t see that you owed him anything.

Here’s the problem with a FWB arrangement. It always seems like such a good idea at the onset. But when guys propose a FWB relationship they mean just that: casual sex with no strings attached. When women agree to this type of arrangement, often they are hoping something more might develop. And this illustrates a striking difference between men and women. Men are able to separate the physical from the emotional more easily than women, so a FWB relationship can work for them. (Although we’d like to qualify that by saying, men also suffer from this type of situation. Any self-respecting man understands he’s hurting the woman he’s having sex with even if he tries to ignore that nagging feeling. It’s not good for his soul or his karma.)

It’s very natural for you to miss him even if he treated you badly, which he did. We’re sure he must have some positive qualities otherwise you wouldn’t have lasted eight months; but from what you describe he’s got a lot of work to do on himself. And ultimately you’re right; you deserve much better. Acknowledging this is a step in the right direction.

So why is he contacting still? You’re familiar to him. And convenient. Sure, maybe he’s feeling some regret and remorse but more likely he believes he still holds some power over you and thus can contact you to help him. It doesn’t make a lot of sense maybe, but to us his actions after the two of you “broke up” illustrate even more clearly why you need to move on. A guy who’s able to flip a switch like that and transition so easily into survival mode isn’t a guy who is going to meet your emotional needs.

Our advice: Don’t get sucked back into his den. Be strong. Learn from your mistakes and apply that new knowledge to your next relationship. And don’t settle. That means, no more FWB arrangements. They don’t work.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

THE GUYS

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10 Comments on I cheated on my “Friends with Benefits” guy and now he hates me

  1. I need to fill you in about the last 9 months of what has happened for you to understand the whole story.

    I started sleeping with a guy 9 months ago who I had met through a friend, and he made it clear from the start that he didn’t want a relationship!
    We carried on sleeping with eath other then I started getting feelings for him. I made him aware that I was and his excuses for not getting into a relationship consisted of : I’m not ready, I don’t want to be a bad boyfriend, I’ve not got a job etc…
    But from this we decided to go exclusive to each other and started seeing each other. After another few months, around December, I told him that I wanted to be with him and I really wanted to give it a shot! Again, he told me he wasnt ready for a relationship, So I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore that it wasn’t fair on me.
    He insisted we could be friends and that he was sorry for the way he had been with me but still want to be close to me.
    After this we carried on sleeping with each other, less regulary as before, but it was still happening. And it has taken me until now to stop sleeping with him. Beginning of March to be precise!
    I finally feel like i’m moving on, But this guy keeps going on about how things have changed and how i’m moody all the time when i’m with him and I moan a lot when i’m with him. Usually about the fact that he is always trying to touch me in a sexual way! It’s not what I want and he seems to always get so annoyed about it. For example, I’ve decided to stop staying over at his house! Which ended up in the biggest row ever last night. He told me that he doesnt like the way things have become, and that “he’s never known me as a friend and doesnt like whatever this is” and that he always “cuts the dead wood out of his life” the list is endless!
    Whereas, when I stayed over last week and wouldn’t sleep with him, he asked me “why I was staying over if I didnt want to sleep with him, and that he wishes he hadn’t invited me to stay over”
    Mixed signals to me!
    Now my question is why is he acting this way! It was him who was alway saying we can be friends! In my head I am his friend now AND i’m finally sticking to my guns, But he can’t seem to grasp the idea or still wants more from me!
    Lets just say i won’t ever do the FB thing again! Too many complications!
    Thanks x

  2. @Laura…….This guy wants to do the Friends with Benefits thing for as long as you’ll do it. We think you did the right thing by not sleeping with him anymore. And honestly Laura, he doesn’t seem like a great friend really. He seems kind of manipulative. You might want to give this whole situation some more thought. Maybe it’s time to move on completely? We’re just sayin’.

  3. Hopelessly Hopeful // June 26, 2012 at 7:55 pm //

    Hey guys! I asked you a question a while back about my fwb and if it could ever turn serious, and well I talked to him about it and we did date for about a month but he ended up going upstate for a few weeks and then flying to Hawaii for Christmas where he dumped me over text message, then changed his mind a few days later, and ended up texting me repeatedly to tell me how much he missed me and couldn’t wait to get back. Things were actually really good for a while but one day I decided to ask him if we were still ‘exclusively’ with each other and he told me that over the year and almost five months we spent hooking up, he had been with six other girls. At that point, I decided it was time to try and walk away. We remained friends but no longer slept together, and one night I went to a party and hooked up with someone else and apparently he heard about it because I woke up to a text calling me a lying scandalous skank. That was the last time i spoke to him. I don’t see how I warranted any of that when what he did was at least six times worse than what i did, nor have i seen or heard from him in over two months, and yet, I still care deeply about him. Is it possible that the person I originally fell for is still somewhere in there and that things could go back to the way they were? If so, is there something I can do to help it get there? Or if not, what should I do to get closure? It sounds insane but the first 10 months or so were the best I have ever spent with anyone and I would love to have that back in my life or at least be able to stop thinking about it. Thanks!

  4. @Hopelessly Hopeful……..We know you had a good time with him, but what was it based on? At that time you thought you were having a grand time he was hooking up with six other women. So from his side of things, it was a lie. He wasn’t being honest with you. We’re just not sure what there is to go back to? And look, we get it. Relationships are complicated. Sometimes we totally fall for people we shouldn’t fall for. And sometimes we keep going back for the same punishment over and over. But since you’re asking the question, our answer is, time to move on. Closure comes from understanding who he really is and realizing you deserve better. Because you do deserve better. What do you think about all of this?

  5. Is He Hurt or is it His Ego? // August 6, 2012 at 2:42 pm //

    Dear Guys,

    Three years ago I started a FWB thing with a friend of many years. We both agreed we would also see other people. For the past year I’ve been dating a charming guy as well as seeing my FWB. Recently he asked me to become exclusive with him. I talked with my FWB and conveyed what my new guy asked (exclusivity). My FWB said he wasn’t ready for a serious commitment and didn’t know if he would ever be ready. I advised that we would need to phase out our FWB thing because I really was getting into my new guy. I did finally end it with FWB only to have him contact me a month later. We met up and ended the evening in the usual manner – sex. Afterward I distanced myself from FWB and began to concentrate on my BF. Enter FWB again to find me packing for a 3 yr project in Europe and an engagement ring. FWB looks at the boxes packed and stacked then asks “would a marriage proposal make you stay?” I answered “are you proposing?” I was dumbfounded! We never talked about marriage. He states “No I was simply asking for sometime in the future possibly.” I ignored his statement. He asked out of sheer panic that I was leaving.

    Didn’t see FWB for another month. My BF and I set the wedding date. I was excited and sent emails and texts to “Hold-the-Date”. Since this info went out I haven’t heard from FWB. I contacted him to ensure he knew my current status. He never returned my call, text etc. Now remember we started out as friends before the FWB status. I really assumed he would be more supportive of my upcoming nuptuals. After not hearing from FWB I finally decided to leave him a vm asking him why he was being so passive-aggressive with me. I told him I cared for and loved him as a “friend” but I was not in love with him because he never invested himself emotionally in our relationship. Never a dinner date, a birthday card or a Christmas present, although I did acknowledge him with gifts on those occasions. He always remained aloof.

    I sincerely don’t understand the male psyche. He never invested in extending or taking our relationship to the next level, yet he acts as if I cheated and he’s mortally wounded??? I’ve always liked him and treated him well but kept my emotional distance after he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. The sex was just that sex- nothing more. I believe (from a woman’s perspective) that its his ego and pride that are wounded, not his heart. My BF has known about FWB, and I did end it (sort of) when we became officially exclusive. But once marriage came into our conversation all bets were off with FWB. Though I tried to remain friends.

    I love your site. You guys offer up thoughts and opinions we women would never think of (cause your guys). Please help me understand whats going on with my friend? And can we go back to simply being friends? Thanks so much! I will definitely tell all my gfs about your site. We’re always trying to solve the problems of the “male” world – now we have you!!!

  6. @Is he hurt…….Thanks for your kind words. First of all, we know you were friends with your FWB before you actually starting having sex together, but it seems like you’re still a bit too emotionally connected to him, or want to be. Otherwise you’d just chalk it up to a jealous guy friend and say that’s that. So what’s the deal? Do you still have some sort of feelings for him? If he came forward, professed his love—and was serious—would you pause to consider his proposal? It just seems like those answers need to be really clear for you before you move forward with your marriage plans. (Although we do understand that people have crushes on people throughout their lives.) To answer your questions: yes and no. Yes, he’s jealous. You see guys are territorial. If they’re sleeping with someone, or have slept with someone, they don’t want that person to sleep with anyone else, even if they have no plans for any sort of serious relationship with that person. That goes for breakups as well. Guys don’t even typically want their ex-girlfriends having sex again. It’s just our nature. This guy also thought that he could just pop in and out of your life and you’d always be available to him. He’s not living in reality. So let him be upset. You don’t owe him anything, and frankly, you were honest with him, and gave him every opportunity to step up to the plate. And he didn’t! Per your second question. Our answer is no. No, you won’t be able to go back to just being friends, nor should you. Honestly, it just doesn’t seem that appropriate. No, there’s nothing wrong with women having male friends or vice versa but considering the circumstances it just seems a bit too close. And your boyfriend—soon to be your husband—would probably be happy that you’re not hanging out with this guy, even if he’s too much of a gentleman to say so. It’s time to move on. Let your FWB guy be upset. And we agree with you. It’s more about his ego or pride than anything else. Finally, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Thoughts? Any more follow up questions or concerns?

  7. Sonya Caraway // August 8, 2012 at 5:36 am //

    Dear Guys…

    Thank you so much for your perspective (Is He Hurt). To answer your question “if he were to come back and profess his love and was serious would I consider his proposal? No. I’ve understood since our agreement that I would not invest in him emotionally, and although I do care for him I’m just not in love with him nor interested in exploring that level of a relationship with him. There have been other issues that have challenged the relationship as well, and these too contribute to my opinion. I did suspect it was simple jealousy on his part as well as an inflated ego. I will miss him, but life goes on. And I do agree after much thought. A friendship would seem too uncomfortable and awkward no matter how much time passes. Again, thank you so much for your insight and I as well as my female tribe will continue to follow and support your site. What a great idea!!!! Talk again when my next “man” issue surfaces (and it will)!!! Be blessed…

  8. @Sonya…….Glad we could help. Good luck and take care.

  9. Dear Guys,
    I have this friend with benefit and now he has a girlfriend. I have developed feeling for him over the time we were friend with benefits but he keep coming back to me for sex but he has a girlfriend. Later he tell me we cant do this anymore because he doesnt wanna cheat on his girlfriend and that he loves her. But we end up have sex again. Why does he keep coming back? Also, he always get jeoluse when i talk to other guys and he always looks at my phone? Why is he doing this does he love me or have feeling for me please help i need to know what i need to do.

  10. @Angel……..He’s using you and cheating on his girlfriend. We’re sorry, but we feel it’s best to be honest here. You need to stop having sex with him because if he wanted a relationship with you he would have made it happen a long time ago. Move on. You deserve better than this. You deserve a guy who’s going to love and respect you the way you love and respect him. Thoughts? Take care of yourself. And we recommend doing this as soon as possible. ps. We hop you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask the Guys page.

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