I didn’t want the divorce; How do I get him back?

Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice involving divorce:

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I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced


Hi Guys!

This is gonna make your brain hurt but here goes. I’ve been together with my guy for seven years, and married for four. We have a two year-old son. We have had a tough couple of years given my husband (now my ex-husband) is a police officer. There have been several emotional affairs and one or two intimate ones.(By him) I have forgiven him for them but will never forget.

I have literally lived in a very, “I love you today, wish you would leave the next day” relationship for about two and a half years. We finally divorced about one week ago. I did not want the divorce but he said he needed to find himself and he’s not who he is. Well I can second that! But what changed?

He wrote me two letters in the past two years telling me I made his life wonderful and he loved me more than I would ever know. His most recent letter was telling me just how proud of me he is and that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. And the next month he moved out of our bedroom? That was last year. Then he starts texting and sexting other married women and sneaking out with them. And when I question him about it he says, “We’re done. I told you I was done with you.” When did you tell me I wonder?

I know we’ve had hard times and yes we’ve yelled the “I want a divorce” crap several times but I never knew it was being yelled for real, becasue we would be fine a few days later. I didn’t want this divorce I am in love with this man.

I can’t stand to know he’s going to be sleeping with other women; it kills me. I asked him to leave our home in November after finding a text to another woman whom he refuses to tell me anthing about. The text was all about how much they love each other and can’t wait to be together. He says it was a drunk text. Maybe that’s true. I haven’t seen them call or text each other but once since.

He came home on December 10th and told me he wanted to talk to me before any decisions were made about the divorce. Three days went by without him saying a word to me. Then we had a good night and I casually asked if we were gonna have the talk. He blew up at me and filed the next day. And ever since that day he’s begged me daily to hurry and sign the papers. Well I finally did and he just seems so happy without me. It’s heartbreaking. My therapist says that he seems to be narcissistic. I dunno, but another man’s POV (Point of View) would be helpful.

I want my family back and my husband back. What do I do?

Rather not Say

Dear Rather not Say,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. We never like to see families break up.

For some guys it takes a while to settle into a marriage. Many guys don’t realize there’s a big difference between saying, “I do” and actually doing it. And when that reality hits some guys step up to the plate and get their act together—albeit some take longer than others—and some guys just can’t seem to see the treasure that’s right in front of them. The “latter” guys view marriage as a prison. It’s a place where they have no fun, they have no freedom; a place where they feel burdened with responsibilities. These are the guys that stray, cheat, and finally do irreparable damage to their relationships, all the while dragging their spouses through the mud.

Does this sound familiar to you?

Marriage can be difficult, especially with kids in the picture. And that’s another pivotal point for some guys. Now they are no longer their wife’s number one. In fact for a while they are quite the distant second. And a lot of men just can’t handle that. It’s not that they don’t love their baby, it’s just they are still babies themselves. These guys haven’t matured enough to realize that becoming a father is not just a huge responsibility, but one of the greatest things that can ever happen to a man. We imagine your guy’s touching notes to you were written during one of his rare moments of reflection when he took a hard look at his life and all the wonderful things in it. (You, your son) It sounds like he’s capable of self-reflection, but the more narcissistic side of him is winning the battle. And so yes, we agree with your therapist to some degree.

We’re not saying marriage is right for everyone. And we’re also not saying that people should stay in a loveless marriage. But so much of the time people break up and get divorced only to find that they’re no different in the next relationship, and that their same old patterns keep resurfacing over and over. Changing the environment is only a temporary fix for these people.

So what can you do?

You can take care of your son and be the best mother you can be. You can do the best to move on by pursuing your interests, passions, career, etc. You can lean on your friends and family for support. But you certainly don’t need to change anything to make yourself more alluring to him. If a loving wife and beautiful child is not enough to keep him committed then nothing will. We fear he’s not going to change any time soon. From what you describe he’s got a lot of learning to do. The good news is that he’s aware of it, and in those quiet moments he might even be reflecting on it. But that doesn’t mean he’s close to figuring it all out. He should read, “Are you with the right mate?” It’s from a recent Psychology Today. (You’ll find it interesting as well.)

It is possible that he could get his act together, but it could take a long time. And who knows if you will be open to him still when he figures out what he gave up.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question, or leave us a follow up comment. We’ll respond here in the comments section as well.

Good luck and keep us posted,


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12 Comments on I didn’t want the divorce; How do I get him back?

  1. @Navjot…..We’re sorry, but we’re not sure what you’d like us to do. Your husband needs to stand up to his parents. If he’s not able to do that he’s probably not mature enough to be anybody’s husband. But we agree, you shouldn’t be treated the way you’re being treated. But it’s up to your husband to stop it.

  2. What a horrible situation. My heart goes out to you! It sounds to me, from my distant perspective, that you’re better off without him. You feel now that you’ll always love him, but you won’t, at least not to the extent that you hurt over him any longer. Give yourself and your child a chance to heal and grow, and you’ll find life good again. Keep busy and try to concentrate on other, more positive parts of your life.

  3. @Delilah…..Thanks for sharing your opinion.

  4. im in a similar situation …me and my husband were married for 2 and a half years we have been seperated on two occasions on my part the second seperation i cheated and was gone for 7 months during that time period he had knee surgery and he says a heartattack and i wasnt there for himn and now he wants a divorce and i dont we have a 16 month old son and my husband is telling me to move on and that he has moved on and now is dating someone i went to school with and he says he forgot all the memories in which we had and that he wishes i felt like this when he needed me an d now his heart and mind is in a different place and during the seperation i got the mans name tattooed on me also and i need to get my husband back we are now in the process of a divorce he also says maybe we can get back together in five years but there is no guarantee and that he can offer me his friendship but i love him too much and i need and want to keep my family …help

  5. @Ashlee…..We’re really sorry. But we’re not sure what we can do. It sounds to us like he’s moved on. (Guys usually say what they mean.) If he doesn’t realize that he still wants you there’s nothing much you can do except tell him you still love him and want to be with him, and apologize yet again for your actions. Understand Ashlee, that trust is everything in a relationship. And some people never recover from a betrayal. In fact, many relationships don’t rebound from the type of betrayal you’re describing. This comes down to him, and what he ultimately wants and needs. You can remind him all you want about how great your relationship was, because he’s got to choose it again.

  6. Anonymous // March 23, 2013 at 8:58 am //

    Guys, I made the decision of move away from my house in September of 2013 after taking with my husband he got very upset and we hurt each other with mean words. I try to explain him I needed time to heal from an affair he had 2 years prior, and that I wanted us to try dating each other again to bring the romance back. He didn’t gave me and answer an things continued like nothing happen, in October he began to stay out the weekends and in later Dec due to a phone call I revived I found out he was dating somebody else. I couldn’t believe how things where so fine at home including intimacy, but yet it was another woman in the picture. I confronted him and he admitted to been with her, however he keeps taking care of me on every way you can think, ended up moving in January of this year, and every single night before I moved he held me at night and didn’t visited her. After I left we been on a few dates and even celebrate our wedding anniversary with a nice dinner. I have asked him several times for a divorce, not because I don’t love him but because his dating somebody else and I just can’t take the situation any more. His response every single time is “I don’t want a divorce, give me time” so I’m all puzzle and don’t know what to think anymore, his always telling me how unhappy he’s in his new relation and she try’s to manipulate him, but every weekend he goes to her… Please give me and advice. Yesterday was the last time I asked him and his answer was the same. PS. I only want a non- contest divorce and we don’t have any kids. I don’t want any money or material things, just my freedom so I can heal. We been together for 9years married 5years. Thanks Anonymous

  7. Anonymous // March 23, 2013 at 9:02 am //

    I just noticed all the typos… That’s what happen when you write after weeks without sleeping more than 2 to 3 hours a day…

  8. @Anonymous……You’re talking as if you have no say in the matter. Do you feel scared about something? If not, you need to assert yourself and move on. It sounds like a part of you is unsure about this and that’s the issue. You need to decide what you want and then do it. If you want to wait and see if he’ll come back then you’re going to continue dealing with all of this. If you want to move on, then you move on. Of course this is your call. We can’t make it for you.

  9. SadHusband // July 1, 2013 at 6:11 am //


    I read the the post and all the answers.I really feel amazed that too much happened to you girls and still you want to be with that guy.I must say your husbands are lucky to have you in life and this is their biggest mistake to move out from an relationship with you.Pity on them.

    My story is totally different,We were married for past five years and I have a kid of 3 years.I always felt in this past five years that my wife is physically there with me but mentally somewhere else.She never took interest in me ,We did had good sex life since first day of my marriage.I thought that she will take some time to catch up buts its been five years now that we occasionally go intimate.

    Recently she was in her parents place where we had little argument over phone on me complaining that she was not giving time to me .Since then she slowly stopped talking to me.I called up her dad and he told me that they want divorce.I deeply love my wife and kid and miss them a lot.

    But i know that she is not going to come back as she follow her parents only.I am not able to understand that if she wanted divorce then why she didnt opted in first two years when we didnt had the kid.One more thing is that she had an affair before our marriage and that guy ditched her,of which i was aware as i got her love letters.

    Now I am in delimma what to do.I only loved her in my life and want her back.I am totally broken down and dont have anyone to share my feelings with.Please guide.

  10. @SadHusband……We are truly sorry. This is very hard. It sounds like your wife has never truly left her parent’s nest. Which means she still isn’t able to make decisions on her own. This does not bode well for any sort of reconciliation. Our advice: Remember, you’ve got a child to consider and we imagine you want to see him/her as much as possible. That should be your goal. Whatever sort of arrangement you decide on, make sure you don’t get short-changed when it comes to time spent with your child. As far as reconciliation with your wife: Try to get her away from her parents so you can talk to her privately. This might be difficult. If she’s choosing them over you, then you’ve got a problem now and in the future. Honestly, your relationship sounds like it’s been broken for a long time. We’re sorry. If you can get through this, and begin a new life where you’re seeing your child regularly, you might be able to see that you chose a women who was not emotionally available to you, and that knowledge will hopefully inform your next choice of partners. Because the kind of relationship you want, we doubt you’re going to have with your wife. So sorry. Good luck and take care of yourself.

  11. Elaine Hearne // February 12, 2016 at 12:35 pm //

    I have been married for 10 years but with my husband 25 years altogether I threw him out after he genuinely mentally and emotionally abused me for years, then after being apart for over a year I find out he has a girlfriend a weekend girlfriend I just want us to try again I do genuinely believe we can be together, we are currently I a no strings fling and he refuses to give up the girlfriend we have 5 adult kids and a 7 year old

  12. @Elaine…..You clearly had good reasons to remove yourself from the relationship. What makes you think things will be different this time around? Has he showed some sort of sign that he wants to try again?

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