Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice involving divorce:
This is gonna make your brain hurt but here goes. I’ve been together with my guy for seven years, and married for four. We have a two year-old son. We have had a tough couple of years given my husband (now my ex-husband) is a police officer. There have been several emotional affairs and one or two intimate ones.(By him) I have forgiven him for them but will never forget.
I have literally lived in a very, “I love you today, wish you would leave the next day” relationship for about two and a half years. We finally divorced about one week ago. I did not want the divorce but he said he needed to find himself and he’s not who he is. Well I can second that! But what changed?
He wrote me two letters in the past two years telling me I made his life wonderful and he loved me more than I would ever know. His most recent letter was telling me just how proud of me he is and that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. And the next month he moved out of our bedroom? That was last year. Then he starts texting and sexting other married women and sneaking out with them. And when I question him about it he says, “We’re done. I told you I was done with you.” When did you tell me I wonder?
I know we’ve had hard times and yes we’ve yelled the “I want a divorce” crap several times but I never knew it was being yelled for real, becasue we would be fine a few days later. I didn’t want this divorce I am in love with this man.
I can’t stand to know he’s going to be sleeping with other women; it kills me. I asked him to leave our home in November after finding a text to another woman whom he refuses to tell me anthing about. The text was all about how much they love each other and can’t wait to be together. He says it was a drunk text. Maybe that’s true. I haven’t seen them call or text each other but once since.
He came home on December 10th and told me he wanted to talk to me before any decisions were made about the divorce. Three days went by without him saying a word to me. Then we had a good night and I casually asked if we were gonna have the talk. He blew up at me and filed the next day. And ever since that day he’s begged me daily to hurry and sign the papers. Well I finally did and he just seems so happy without me. It’s heartbreaking. My therapist says that he seems to be narcissistic. I dunno, but another man’s POV (Point of View) would be helpful.
I want my family back and my husband back. What do I do?
Rather not Say
Dear Rather not Say,
Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. We never like to see families break up.
For some guys it takes a while to settle into a marriage. Many guys don’t realize there’s a big difference between saying, “I do” and actually doing it. And when that reality hits some guys step up to the plate and get their act together—albeit some take longer than others—and some guys just can’t seem to see the treasure that’s right in front of them. The “latter” guys view marriage as a prison. It’s a place where they have no fun, they have no freedom; a place where they feel burdened with responsibilities. These are the guys that stray, cheat, and finally do irreparable damage to their relationships, all the while dragging their spouses through the mud.
Does this sound familiar to you?
Marriage can be difficult, especially with kids in the picture. And that’s another pivotal point for some guys. Now they are no longer their wife’s number one. In fact for a while they are quite the distant second. And a lot of men just can’t handle that. It’s not that they don’t love their baby, it’s just they are still babies themselves. These guys haven’t matured enough to realize that becoming a father is not just a huge responsibility, but one of the greatest things that can ever happen to a man. We imagine your guy’s touching notes to you were written during one of his rare moments of reflection when he took a hard look at his life and all the wonderful things in it. (You, your son) It sounds like he’s capable of self-reflection, but the more narcissistic side of him is winning the battle. And so yes, we agree with your therapist to some degree.
We’re not saying marriage is right for everyone. And we’re also not saying that people should stay in a loveless marriage. But so much of the time people break up and get divorced only to find that they’re no different in the next relationship, and that their same old patterns keep resurfacing over and over. Changing the environment is only a temporary fix for these people.
So what can you do?
You can take care of your son and be the best mother you can be. You can do the best to move on by pursuing your interests, passions, career, etc. You can lean on your friends and family for support. But you certainly don’t need to change anything to make yourself more alluring to him. If a loving wife and beautiful child is not enough to keep him committed then nothing will. We fear he’s not going to change any time soon. From what you describe he’s got a lot of learning to do. The good news is that he’s aware of it, and in those quiet moments he might even be reflecting on it. But that doesn’t mean he’s close to figuring it all out. He should read, “Are you with the right mate?” It’s from a recent Psychology Today. (You’ll find it interesting as well.)
It is possible that he could get his act together, but it could take a long time. And who knows if you will be open to him still when he figures out what he gave up.
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Good luck and keep us posted,
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