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Thanks so much.
I really need help on this one. I’m 21 and recently started hooking up with this guy. We have been sexually active together for about 3 months now. He tells me it’s the best sex he has ever had; and for me, it’s the same! We hang out pretty much every day. Some days things seem to be going great. We hang out just the two of us, or with his friends, or go to the movies. He takes me to dinner, and we’ve even met each other’s families.
And then other days he acts completely different with me. We won’t kiss, touch, but he still flirts with me and is always super sweet. He’s always the one to make the first move when we hook up, just because im a little more shy when I’m with him. (This boy seriously makes me weak in the knees.) But some nights we won’t hook up or anything and it’s just plain weird, I guess? We both just got out of serious relationships not too long ago, and agreed that we were not rushing back into another one anytime soon. But we also agreed that we weren’t going to hook up with anyone else either. I guess I’m just confused on why he acts diffrently towards me some days. I really like this guy and just don’t want to mess anything up.
Thanks for your question.
From everything you say, it seems like he likes you more than just a casual hook up. In fact it seems like the two of you are boyfriend and girlfriend, since you’re doing all the things couples do: going out to dinner, going to the movies, hanging out with friends, meeting prospective families. We think you need to have a discussion about this, don’t you? Just because you both SAY you don’t want to rush into anything new, your actions say otherwise. And hey, that’s a good thing if you’re both happy.
His behavior is a bit inconsistent, although you say he’s sweet to you even on the days when you don’t kiss, touch, or hook up. Typically if a guy considers a woman to be a fling, he only wants to be with her when he’s hooking up with her. Your guy doesn’t behave this way. So we have another possible explanation for his erratic behavior.
A man’s affection can often be traced to his changing testosterone levels. Meaning, a guy might behave differently on the days he wants to have sex, as opposed to the days right after he has sex? If a guy wants sex it’s likely he’s going to touch a woman more, maybe hold her hand, give her some love “squeezes” here and there, generally be more physically loving, and all around more agreeable. But some guys who don’t necessarily need sex every day might need a day of recovery. On those days— recovery days—guys can be more business like in terms of physical affection. See if this pattern holds true for your guy. And let us know.
If this is the case it can mean a lot of things. If he continues to be sweet with you, and treats you with respect there’s no reason to be concerned. It’s certainly worth a conversation down the road, maybe when/if you two decide to make yourselves an official couple. If this pattern becomes more extreme, you might need to reevaluate if you want to be with him. (This might mean there’s more going on than we can say based on your note.)
Overall, we feel pretty positive about what’s going on between the two of you. But keep those eyes open, and be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling about him and the relationship. We always say, TRUST YOUR GUT. (Be on the look out for our first video, on this very topic next week.)
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