I don’t want to cheat on my Prince Charming

Hey Guys,

I was raised in a very conservative family and was taught that one ought to save themselves for marriage. I grew up as a strong young woman with firm beliefs, and did save myself for the man that I am with today. I was very clear with him when we first got together where my boundaries were, and even though he’s from a completely different background, he was prepared to wait for me —something very few men would do. We have been together for over 3 years now (I am 25) and I lost my virginity to him about a year ago. I haven’t regretted it for a second. He’s been supportive and amazing; he genuinely loves me, and I love him.

The problem arises, however, now that I have been awakened into this whole other world of sex. Even though I have no problems with how I was raised, I have started to wish that I didn’t in fact wait so long until I lost my virginity. I think that what I did was a beautiful thing, saving myself for my one true love, but the fact of the matter is that now I wish that I had had a LOT more sex before I met “the one!”

My boyfriend is one helluva guy and he raises the bar way high, but I have in fact met a few guys who I have had crazy chemistry with these past few months. I have never done anything with them, but I still feel like I am cheating because in my mind, I am. I imagine myself having crazy, wild sex with other men. It’s not that my boyfriend and I don’t have good sex— but then again, what do I know what is good sex or what isn’t? All I know is that all my life, movies, music and everyone around me has been running around and being crazy about SEX. And I want to know what all that hype is about! Having sex with my boyfriend is fun, it feels good and he does make sure my needs are met. But it’s not that crazy, electric, goosebumps-all-over, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you-naked kind of thing that I’ve been hearing about all my life. I guess I’m just too comfortable with him? But since when did that become a bad thing?

And sure, maybe it IS just that the grass-is-greener on the other side, and if I were to taste it, it would simply confirm that what I have here and now with this relationship is amazing. But how do I know that? How can I just take someone’s word for it? If I can’t stop thinking about having sex with others, surely that’s a tell-tale sign that something isn’t completely right? I don’t want to cheat on him, but sometimes I wish I could push the pause button on the relationship, screw around a little, and come back to him. But I know it doesn’t work like that. If I were to break up with him just to be able to sleep with some random guys, he would never take me back. And I don’t want to lose the best, most stable guy I’ve met in my life—someone that I know I could spend my life with. On the other hand, I don’t want to end up a married 40-something with kids who starts to cheat on her husband of 20 years either, because I suddenly have a mid-life crisis and need to get something out of my system!

I don’t want to cheat on him (Cheating is baaad! Badbad! Trust is crucial!) buuuut sometimes it feels like the only way to kill those grass-is-greener thoughts is by having a taste. I have imagined talking it out with a distant guy-friend (we dated a little once, it fizzled and we became distant friends), laying my cards out on the table, and asking him to jump my bones, and then leave it at that —both of us being very aware of what it is that I am asking for. I am also aware of the fact that it is, actually, a bad idea, seeing as it would be cheating, but for me, it feels like it would be the only way to get some random, meaningless sex with others out of my system so that I can fully understand what an amazing thing it is that I have with my boyfriend already. Sound confusing? Yes I know… I don’t actually understand why I have this need to sleep with others when I already have someone so perfect in my life already, but I can’t stop the thoughts from entering my mind. :(

So HELP! Either tell me something that will stop me from wanting to sleep with others, or tell me that it is okay to want to have some random, meaningless sex before I get hitched and spend the rest of my life with the one guy I’ve ever been with!

Sudden Non-Virgin

Dear Sudden Non-Virgin,

Thanks for your question. It’s an interesting one, but you’re certainly not alone in your thoughts and feelings. You sound like a lot of guys we know. :)

Having fantasies about other men and women is perfectly normal. Most everyone that’s honest with themselves—and in touch with their true feelings—would admit to having some sort of fantasy from time to time. Being with one woman or man is a compromise. Actually, every decision in life is a compromise, and a mix of gain and loss. For example. if you choose one college, you don’t get to go to the other one you got into. If you decide to vacation in Italy, well then you can’t go to Japan. And so on. It’s the same for relationships. If you choose one man, you can’t have another. And if you choose to be in a monogamous relationship you can’t have sex with other people, unless you want to cheat on the person you’re purported to love.

We happen to think that the sex you have from a stable relationship is much more gratifying and deeper than what you get from sleeping around. However we understand your conundrum since you’re relatively inexperienced and never got to “live” the single life. Yes, we can tell you that you’re fixated on thinking the grass-is-greener, but we’re not you. And if this is something that’s going to eat away at you, then it’s going to seriously impact your relationship, beyond just you cheating. It’s likely you’ll start feeling resentful and angry, and your boyfriend—or possibly husband by then—will have no idea why you’re lashing out at him. It will go from bad to worse, and if you don’t cheat on him, you’re likely to leave him. You’re smart to try and figure this out now before you get too ahead of yourself.

So what about sex? We love your quote. “But it’s not that crazy, electric, goosebumps-all-over, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you-naked kind of thing that I’ve been hearing about all my life.” Is it possible you’re watching too many movies? (We’re just kidding.) Yes, there is that. It’s called, “sex with someone new.” The first time—which could last even a year or so—can be crazy, all-consuming, mind-blowing. It can be wild and out-of-control. But not always. Sometimes it can be downright bad, when you’re with a lover who’s selfish. Or even dangerous. (You sleep around at your own risk. Lots going around, especially if you’re having random sex, with random guys, as you say.) 

You say the sex with your boyfriend is good, but you’re not sure what that means. Well, simply put: That’s good. You’re with a man who loves you, and cares about satisfying you. Not all men are like that. (Or women.) So don’t discount what you have with your boyfriend. He’ll never be the “new guy” to you again, but he loves you, and it sounds like you love him. That’s nothing to scoff at. (We know you’re not, but it’s good to hear it from an objective viewpoint.)

Our suggestion: If you feel the weight of wondering pulling at you every moment you’re with your boyfriend, then you might need to take a hard look at it. We’re not saying you should break up with your boyfriend, but we’re saying, if this is going to affect your relationship then you need to decide now what you want to do. We wish we could give you the answer, but unfortunately we can’t, and won’t. This is your decision.

However, we do know guys that were in your current position. Some decided to suck it up and deal with it, and went on to marry their girlfriends. Others, decided they just weren’t ready to commit, and they went the other way. We can tell you—we’ll speak for THE GUYS—that every guy we know would like to be able to have sex with other women, even though they’re happily married or in committed relationships. For us, the longing of a new woman doesn’t go away. Some days it’s better than others, but we’re wired to sleep with as many women as we can. But acting on it is a whole different story. The guys that cheat, and throw away their marriages/relationships, usually regret it later. Maybe you’re more like a guy in this way. (The fact that you have the longing.)

If you do decide that you just have to experience “more” we understand. You’re young, and sometimes people have to make difficult decisions that affect other people. If this is just one of those things you have to do, please don’t cheat. You need to break up with your boyfriend first. You don’t need to give him every detail—we wouldn’t—and tell him every single thing you’re thinking. But if you’re honest with him—tell him you need to be single a bit longer before you get married—you never know what might happen down the road. Most guys would have a really difficult time with this, but maybe he’s different. There are certainly no guarantees he’ll be around when you’re ready.

Hope this helps. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. (Leave it in the comments section below.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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6 Comments on I don’t want to cheat on my Prince Charming

  1. charllie // July 22, 2012 at 5:41 pm //

    Dear Guys,I met a guy online months ago and I felt like I was all he ever wanted. Things were great, he would call, text me all the time though he run a busy schedule at work because he was a doctor and tell me all the nice things. He visited me twice but on the second time I saw him, we had a great time together as we always did, one thing led to the other and we slept. Ever since then, he stopped calling or even answering my calls. He hardly reply my texts but will occassionally text to say he was busy at work on so on. We had agreed to spend. A weekend together the day he visited but he cancelled on me that very morning to say he was busy at work that’s why he wasn’t keeping in touch and also was attending a wedding that weekend so couldn’t make it and then said he missed me in the end.Its been about 4 weeks now and he still hasn’t called me, only text once in a while. I once called him with a private number and he answered but then I hang up and called with my number which he ignored saying he needed time to himself cos his older brother died. Was he using me? Please I need your advice.Thank you GuysO

  2. @Charlie……We’re sorry about this confusing situation. This is a classic example of a guy that thought he felt a certain way, and then realized he didn’t after having sex with you. We don’t think he overtly used you, but it all amounts to the same thing. He slept with you, and is now not interested. Unfortunately this happens. You’re not the first so try not to feel badly. We’d move on though. He’s not responding and you’re just going to get more confused, then annoyed and angry. Take care. And feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted as things progress.

  3. hi guys,
    ok so i met this guy on a dating website which ive NEVER done before but we talked for days and days via emails, text, and then over the phone previous to meeting in person. once we did meet, we ended up hanging out for over 9 hours..i finally had to call it a night considering i wanted to see him again and we clearly had alot to talk about. we had a 2nd date soon after and had a blast doing nothing again and ended up kissing. he went a few days with no contact and i was confused because we had hit it off on so many levels and he kissed me. so i politely emailed him and said i assumed he wasnt interested due to the lack of communication suddenly. but that i was happy to have met him and was refreshing to have met someone in which i had so much fun with and wishing him luck in his future. he quickly responded via text within minutes and said hes so glad that i “understood” and was so sweet about it…and that he would be happy to still be friends..i agreed i would also enjoy that because regardless we had fun. so then he came out 45 minutes out of his way to hang out in my nieghborhood and spent all day even met my mom by accident…the part that confuses me is that he was holding my hand the WHOLE day and putting his arm around me..i felt a bit of flirtation..especially when he kept complimenting me and told me my smile can light up a room…and even offered to cancel his plans that evening so he could stay longer…
    so i guess in my question is…why did he say he isnt interested and only wants to be friends but his actions say differently???? even joked with me as we walked past a bridal shop…i didnt go in and laughed and i kept walking leaving him in front of the window…help? im sooo confused and i want to know where to put him…friend category or allow my feelings to come out?
    thanks a bunch :)

    mixed signals

  4. @Nicki…..Yes, he’s giving you major mixed signals. Here’s our best guess. He enjoyed your company a lot, the kissing part as well, but maybe didn’t feel that special “spark” he wanted to feel. But when you emailed and he felt you understood that he wasn’t interested on that level it took some of the pressure off of him. So when he was with you he felt he could just be flirty and goofy because he wasn’t worried about any weird repercussions. You see Nicki, a guy might not be interested in a relationship, but he still might like hanging out with you, or having sex with you. If you continue this “friendship” we wouldn’t be surprised if he suggests a FWB arrangement. But this is all conjecture really. Hard to say without seeing him in action, with you. Does this make sense? Your thoughts?

  5. @Sudden Non-Virgin…I want to share you my story in helping you make a decision if you haven’t already. I was a virgin until the end of high school. I started dating and having sex with someone I thought was nearly perfect…a prince charming if you will. We had a great summer of “love” until I had to go to an out-of-state university. We were apart for months at a time, and I started to have the same wandering thoughts. I went to parties wanting to have sex with every attractive guy there. There was so many more guys to choose from than high school. Everyone else seemed to be hooking up too. I started to doubt my relationship and question if there was something more out there. What if I’m missing out on more? What if, in the future, I regretted staying with my first and not experiencing other guys? So I cheated on him. He was so good to me and didn’t deserve that, but I did it anyway because I knew the thoughts of doubt would always be lingering on my mind. It’s been a couple of years and I still regret what I did. I think about him every day and wonder if I would be with him if I hadn’t done it. Since I was fortunate to find another great guy who I feel an even stronger bond with, I’m glad that my first didn’t work out. But at the same time, I wish it hadn’t ended that way. Cheating is something I’m very experienced with and I greatly urge you not to do it. It’s something that never leaves your sub-conscious. If you do decide that your urges are more important than being with a great guy, do please break up with him first. It will be better for the both of you.
    Good luck.

  6. @Meghan…..Thank you for sharing your story. We’re sure it will help a lot of readers. Take care. Feel free to ask us a question anytime.

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