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I suggested Friends with Benefits (FWB): Did I just dig myself into a hole?

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Dear Guys,

So after 10 years of crushing hard on my best friend’s brother I finally got my chance. I went and visited him and spent the night. We did “the do” and I went home the next day.

Neither one of us want a relationship but I do have some serious feelings for him. But what I wanna know is what’s going through his mind. Out in public we hang out with each other and talk, we have fun and I enjoy his company very much. But does he enjoy me being around?

When I stayed the night I turned over and faced my back to him. He scooted to me and curled up and put his arm around me. The next morning I tested the waters by scooting close to him. He moved his arm and let me in to lay on him; then put his arm around me. He took pictures of the two of us on my camera and while I was riding the bull he took pics of me on his camera.

I got “antsy” because I didn’t know where I stood with him so I tested the waters yet again and offered a “Friends with Benefits” situation. He said, “Yeah, for sure.”

Now is this like a situation where he’s thinking about only getting laid, or is there something there and this is a way for us to be around each other minus the commitment?

Curiously Screwed

Dear “Curiously Screwed,”

Thanks for your question.

As we were reading your question we were thinking that things were going fairly well between the two of you. That is until we read your last paragraph where you offered this guy a “Friends with Benefits” situation. We think you know what we’re going to say, but here goes anyway.

A guy will almost never turn down an offer like that. Even if he actually wants something more—like a serious relationship. And that’s the biggest problem with a FWB situation. It’s so convenient and as close to risk free as you can get when it comes to sex. (Sex if never totally risk free.) So most guys will jump at the opportunity.

But the problem is you’ve leaped into a situation that won’t give you the answers you’re looking for. That’s the issue. It’s clear you have feelings for this guy beyond sex, and have so for some time. We don’t think you should deny those feelings, which you’re doing by saying you don’t want a commitment. It feels a bit like you’re trying to protect yourself. And when you suggest a “Friends with Benefits” situation, how is he going to think about anything else besides getting laid? He’s not. So yes, in this way you’ve dug yourself into a hole.

Some of this guy’s actions would suggest to us that you’re not just an average “booty call.” But we think you need to backpedal a bit and rescind your offer of FWB. And in doing so tell him how you really feel. (We don’t think you should give it all away, but at least tell him that you’d like to see if this could develop into something more. We just get the sense that that’s what you really want.) And in doing so, hopefully you’ll learn something about where his head’s at.

Is this a risk? Sure it is. But what’s the worst that can happen? Maybe he won’t be interested? But at least you’ll have some information to go forward with. And that’s better than having a nebulous affair that will only frustrate and confuse you, and eventually lead to resentment. And you can always go back to a FWB situation. Like we said, a guy will almost never turn down a “Friends with Benefits” situation. And that also means reverting back to one. Guys will even do this with an ex-girlfriend, although we don’t recommend that for either party.

Keep us posted, and good luck.

THE GUYS

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10 Comments on I suggested Friends with Benefits (FWB): Did I just dig myself into a hole?

  1. Okay, I’m that typically girl who really doesn’t date guys. I mean I usally don’t even flirt with guys I like, I’ve always been like this and I don’t know why! So here’s my problem. There’s this guy who I really like, but he’s moving soon. I don’t want anything serious but kinda like a fling. I’ve moved things really fast because I ready to be “spontaneous”. Here’s the part I’m confused on. How do I tell him, that I’m not looking for something serious? I’m not really experienced at these hook-up things,( this would be my first time!) and I’m not for sure what to do. Like, I just really want to get with this guy, but I stuck on how to ask if he wants the same thing. This guy is pretty used to dating tons of girls and I don’t want to seem completely ignorant when it comes to hook-ups.

  2. @Ciery…….While we aren’t going to encourage you to do a hook up with this guy—mainly because hook ups in general aren’t the best way to go— we will answer your question. First of all, he’s moving, which automatically puts whatever the two of you do into the “casual” category. What else could it be unless you were both ready to try a long distance relationship? You didn’t mention your age, but we’re sensing you are younger, so that sort of relationship is unlikely. How do you let him know you want to be with him? Just flirt and kind of put it out there. If he’s interested at all, or attracted to you at all, that’s all it should take. Guys are pretty simple. And if a woman they are attracted to shows some sort of interest in dating or sex, it’s pretty much a done deal as long as they make it known. You see, we’re trying to tell you w/out actually saying it because again, we don’t want to encourage you to do something you’ll regret later. But it’s up to you. Hope this helps a little. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks! ps. You might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” Enjoy!

  3. Hey guys!

    Thanks for reading this and just to warn you it’s going to be a little long.

    A little over three years ago I had a F.W.B. with my ex boyfriends friend who just happened to be my best friends cousin as well. It lasted only a few months and it we only had sex about once a month when he was in town since he lived about 70 miles away. I decided to have a F.W.B relationship with him in particular because he is a player so I figured there would be no feelings what so ever involved and on top of that most of out encounters had the help of alcohol.

    Anyways, it was only a week after we started doing stuff that he started saying things. For example: ‘I love you’, ‘I want to marry you’, ‘Please move in with me’, and talking about us having kids, a future together. At first I just shrugged it off and figured it was the alcohol and him trying to get into my pants more. I even told him one time not to say that stuff if he doesn’t mean it because it doesn’t affect anything if you don’t mean it but he just kept saying that stuff, even sober. There was even an incident when my ex was talking to him about me and wanting to get back with me and he replied ‘No, don’t go back with her. She’s a bitch, I hate her.’ His excuse was because he didn’t want me getting back with my ex at all because he wanted to be ‘my boy’

    We never called each other when we weren’t together, he never tried making contact with me ever. I think the only time we talked on the phone was when I was telling my friend that I might be moving out of state and he was trying to convince me I wouldn’t like it out of state and when to the point of saying ‘they don’t allow dogs in Texas’ (WTH) trying to stop me from moving. One night I met his father at at his aunts house and when he heard my name he said that he has heard alot of good things about me from his boy.

    Well, I finally ended the whole thing after he asked me to move in with him after the billionth time and even explained to him why we would never work as a couple.

    A month later I got back with my ex for a couple of months till we broke up for good. My ex F.W.B. messaged me and asked me about it angrily. Then he even tried getting his aunt to turn against me by saying we were dating and that I said I wanted to be with him and he wanted to be with me but I lied to him and cheated on him with my ex, I never said any of that nor did I cheat on him since were weren’t in a relationship. I mentioned him being a player and by player I mean player. He would sleep with a lot of women and he did so during our fling which I didn’t care because we weren’t together, together but if I even looked at or talked to another guy he would give me a dirty look or have an attitude with me.

    We would run into eachother occasionally at his Aunts house but other wise then that made no attempt to contact eachother.

    I got married to a wonderful man last year and couldn’t be happier. Well lately I’ve been hearing from his cousin and his aunt that he has been talking crap about my husband ( someone he has known since childhood because my husband is best friends with his cousin ) he was saying things like ‘Why is she with him?’, ‘She shouldn’t be with him, she should be married to me’, ‘I give it 6 months to a year, Tiffany will leave him soon, she’s to independent to be married for long.’ so on and so on. It’s rather annoying. His cousin and aunt also say that he has never acted like this towards anyone else and it’s rather unusual. He on occasion would say bad stuff about my husband to me which I think is rude and innaproaiate. He also told me that he was going to get a tattoo of a star because it would symoblize me something he loves. The reason for this is because I have a bunch of star tattoos. I talked to him and asked him why he would want that and he kept trying to convince me that he was in love with me and will always will be in love with and I’ll always be in his heart.

    I was drinking and having a girls night with his aunt and he showed up at his aunts house when I was there with another girl and the girl tried to start a fight with me saying that ‘He doesn’t care about me because he loves you’ as he gave her the death stare, which I had no clue what was going on at the time and she kept an eye on me the whole night, made me go everywhere with her and kept asking me if I think he likes her. After he got home he told his cousin that the girl was only there to try to make me jealous. I even tried to talk to my husband alone in the bedroom when he came over to check on me that night and he used the girl as a shield to bust the door down to see what we were doing because he asked his aunt what we were doing and she said probably making out.

    I ran into him the other day at his Aunts house and he kept trying to flirt with me, hug me, stare at me and would say things like ‘I’m so excited your’re pregnant, I can’t wait to hold your son’ ‘Tiffany, you know I love you’ and would give me an intense look.

    I don’t know what is going on in his head and it’s bugging the hell out of me because it wasn’t suppose to be like this, he was never suppose to get feelings that was the whole point.

    I want to know if he actually does have feelings for me and if I should take the risk of trying to talk to him about it and telling him nicely to move on. I just don’t know what to do to diffuse the situation.

  4. @Tiffany….We’re not sure exactly what you’re asking. We see your question, but we’re just wondering if there’s something deeper going on here. Do you still have feelings for this guy even though you love your husband? Because we’re getting that sense. And if we are, maybe he is too, which is why he won’t stop this nonsense. (It is nonsense) We suggest you first figure out you’re feelings and why this guy still has a hold on you, even though he’s clearly a player, and not someone you could build a life with. Sometimes we need to make difficult choices. But this choice seems pretty straightforward. You stop contact with him, and for the time being, anyone close to him. Because right now it seems like things are pretty incestuous and that’s not going to work if you really want to give your husband and marriage a fair shot. You can’t be hanging around his family and him, and still be fair to your husband. And what about your husband? How does he feel about all of this? He must be very upset. We would be. Give us some more details and we’ll offer some more opinions/advice.

  5. Honestly, I do not have any feelings for him. The only thing I have towards him is that I’m grateful for that whole summer fling because it was my first summer of freedom I had in a long time. I say this because, now I wasn’t going to get into the whole ex thing because it’s hard to talk about, my ex was extremely abusive and that summer was the first summer that I started feeling good about myself and started getting my confidence, and myself in general back which eventually helped me get away from my ex for good. Now for his family, his Aunt and cousin are my best friends, they gave me shelter, protection and advice even when I didn’t want to hear it when I needed it the most. They were there for me when my actually family wasn’t and they are the ones that introduced me to my husband. My husband use to leave across the street from them and my husband is best friends with them all his life and we are all still very close. I love my husband and I’ve never felt for anyone the way I do for him. As for my husband he’s upset and he doesn’t like the guy, he never did even when they were kids, but if I let my husband talk like he wants to him it wouldn’t be pretty. As for hanging out with him, I never go over to his Aunts house to purposely to hang out with him, he shows up unannounced most of the time. Everyone including my husband says he has feelings for me but I don’t see it that way, I see it as a player trying to get into a girls pants. I want to know if it would be more effective if I tell him to stop with all the nonsense or if his Aunt should that I don’t have to sit there and have a conversation with him about this.

  6. @Tiffany…….Thanks for sharing more details. We have a better understanding of your situation now. However, someone needs to tell this guy to stop. And soon. We think this guy is confused about you. He’s a player and he’s being territorial. But he’s also confusing these feelings with other more serious feelings about you, and so all of this is swirling inside of him. This is a guy who is used to getting his way, and is not used to understanding his own feelings. He hasn’t had to be that self-reflective and in this case it shows. He’s not sure how he feels, or why, so this is how it’s emerging. In order of who should tell him: You, his aunt, his cousin, your husband. If you need support you can ask his aunt and cousin to be present. But his inappropriate actions and remarks need to stop immediately.

  7. Hi there. I have a really complicated situation here. Firstly, i’m married. Not very happily though. I havent had sex with my DH for about 3months. I would say a year but we had one while almost half asleep 3 months ago, so the timer has been “reset”. Anyway, our marriage went downhill since he admitted that he visited some prostitutes. Well, recently i went clubbing with a good guy friend (whom i’ve always been attracted to). He was very touchy feely. Problem is, he’s married too. But i’ve always feel a spark in between us. That night, i confided in him on my marriage problems and told him of my DH’s indiscretion. Nothing happened between us, but ever since then, i have been having sexual tots about him. Call it me being so sexually deprived. So i orchestrated another clubbing session and invited him. He came. But this time, being a little drunk, i was admittedly a little upset with the state of my life right now and the plan to seduce him was forgotten and at one point, i teared up. He hugged me really close and sent me home. I’ve put on some weight, but still attractive. But he did “suggest” maybe my DH wants me to lose some weight. So now, i’m itching to start a FwB with this guy. I want to get it over and done with. 1) Will i ruin my friendship with this guy? 2) I dunno how to propose the FwB situation to him. Will i scare him off? Is there some ways i can test the waters a bit? Or do i come right out and ask him?

    thanks in advance.

  8. @Sara……But don’t you want to try and figure out your marriage first? Is it going to work? Is it not? What’s your plan with that? It seems like you’d want to resolve that first before you start something else? As per your questions. If anything is going to happen with this guy let him be the one to initiate. That would be our suggestion. Thoughts? Questions? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  9. Hi Guys,

    I’m an attractive mature lady, and in a bit of a situation, for want of a better word, and really hoping your perspective would be helpful 🙂

    I met a guy over two years ago, he is the same age by the way, we dated for several months then drifted apart, we met again just over twelve months ago, the discussion came up of how we should move on and not wanting to get hurt, I suggested we should keep the to just ‘friends with Benefits’ this continued, until earlier on this year, in April there were suggestions that he would like to go on holiday with me, as I own a property abroad, we agreed we would go together, we booked the flights for early July, and then disaster struck, he was diagnosed with a serious eye problem, after two serious operations, he wanted me to visit every week, we had what you would call a ‘relationship’ taking him out for dinner, shopping etc. as he couldn’t drive, the holiday is now on hold for the foreseeable future as he’s not able to fly.

    We seemed to get close in this time, though I would be there for him, I still maintained that we were just F/B’s, he’d joke and say ‘what one’s that don’t’ Mentioned in jest I should become his ‘girlfried’ which I’d laugh off! In this time I admit to not showing my true feelings for him, for fear of getting hurt, as I’ve been torn apart in the past, but through all this, my emotions are sky high, and have come to realise I’m deeply in love with him.

    For the last few weeks since he’s recovered, gone back to work, he seems to have pulled away, and I’m devastated, he’s said that he finds me difficult to read, and that I should feel more comfortable talking to him. I’ve let my feelings slip a little, and he’s now saying he’s shocked, as since we hooked up over twelve months ago, he says that he thought the relationship has always been on MY terms, and I had maintained we were just F/B’s.

    I’m at a loss what to think or do, he seems very distant, and I’m frightened to talk to him for fear of rejection, I don’t want to move in with this guy and marriage is the last thing on my mind, were both past having kids, having grown up ones of our own, I’m extremely independent and have a full life. I guess I just want to be with him however I can.

    Would be grateful for your thoughts x

    Hi Guys,

    Thanks so much for the reply, I really appreciate it, no I’m sorry, may be it was a little confusing, it’s me that’s saying that I don’t want to move in, be commited in that way, well not just yet anyway…….so everything is as the original question….up to feeling frightened to talk to him for fear of rejection! Long term commmitment has been discussed between us, being his steady girlfriend, living abroad etc….but it’s me that’s laughed it off! We have a really healthy sex life, and I know we both appreciate that!
    We are still talking, well by text anyway, and he asked me out for dinner last week and I had to decline as I had already been invited to a Wedding reception with my daughter, he did seem dissappointed, and I replied by saying I’d have loved to have gone….. he has mentioned in the past that he never knows where I am or what I’m doing! So the distance between us remains………thanks in advance for your kind thoughts again with this x

    I asked the above in October, the second post was in answer you guys, since then I whole heap of stuff has occured, my ex husband filing for my bancrupcy, which was dismissed, having to move home and loosing my Dad! The above guy has never lost touch with me, he’s chased my friends to find out where I moved to, which incidently is nearer to him, not intentionally though 🙂 He seemed made up to find out I was near him 6 weeks ago, he’s made it clear he likes me, we’ve been out a couple of times, he call’s around immidiately after I text him to see how he’s doing, so I tried to tell him I had feelings for him, but simply stated I didnt want a relationship….I was quite adamant about it, I’ve proably confused the hell out of him, because now he’s just ignoring me, I’m so upset as I feel I’ve ruined everything…..I just cant understand why he backs off so quickly, this is such an awful situation….please guys if you could help me clarify this xx Lily

  10. @Lily……Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it! As you know, once a relationship heads one way, sometimes it’s difficult to reverse course. But it’s not impossible, especially if both parties want it to change. So the question is: What does he want? It sounds like up til now the relationship has been more about what you want, which means there’s been an imbalance of power weighted heavily in favor of you. This likely has bothered him over the course of your time together. And maybe now that he’s feeling healthy again and stronger, he doesn’t want to deal. However, even though he’s behaving more distant and this feels sudden to you, feelings don’t change that quickly. So this probably has something to do with his ego, and general tolerance of being the person who has less power in the relationship. So what exactly is going on? Are you still in your somewhat undefined “FWB” arrangement or is something different? Our suggestion: Try to get things back to the way they were, and when you feel that you’re connecting again at least physically, then open up to him and let him know that you realize you’ve been guarded and you want to try and open up more. And see what he says, or how he feels? We know this is hard and there are no guarantees it will go the way you hope. However, being honest, and opening up to another person, generally have positive outcomes. And you know as well as we do that relationships are all about being open and establishing trust. That’s the big component that’s missing in your “relationship.” TRUST. He doesn’t trust you, and you don’t trust him. It’s hard to have any sort of significant relationship without that. So that would be our first suggestion. Try to connect with him on a deeper level so you can start building trust. Don’t be fooled. Men want the same things as women. Thoughts?

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